How much do you encourage kids to "fit in"?

[Anonymous]

OP here -- first time I’m responding, so I was not the one who said it’s my right to know something just because I’m at someone’s home. From my perspective, no idea if he is on the spectrum, nor do I expect anyone to share a medical diagnosis with me.

Is it possible that a kid is so into his own “world” -- whether it’s the internet or video games or whatever that he just doesn’t “know” how to socialize, or does it have to be a medical issue?

Either way -- why is it my business? Because these parents expect others to interact with their kid. How is one supposed to interact when the kid acts like this? This isn’t like putting up with a little kid with annoying behavior -- you do it because they’re little and don’t know better, but a high school junior -- shouldn’t they GET how other teen boys act and just mimic that behavior in public? I think I agree with the PP that parents can shift the kids 1-2 points on the scale but can’t change them altogether because I can’t imagine that these parents WANT this behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- first time I’m responding, so I was not the one who said it’s my right to know something just because I’m at someone’s home. From my perspective, no idea if he is on the spectrum, nor do I expect anyone to share a medical diagnosis with me.

Is it possible that a kid is so into his own “world” -- whether it’s the internet or video games or whatever that he just doesn’t “know” how to socialize, or does it have to be a medical issue?

Either way -- why is it my business? Because these parents expect others to interact with their kid. How is one supposed to interact when the kid acts like this? This isn’t like putting up with a little kid with annoying behavior -- you do it because they’re little and don’t know better, but a high school junior -- shouldn’t they GET how other teen boys act and just mimic that behavior in public? I think I agree with the PP that parents can shift the kids 1-2 points on the scale but can’t change them altogether because I can’t imagine that these parents WANT this behavior.

No, you don't get an out here, OP. You're shifting from your original post in which you lambasted these parents and ridiculed adults ("those guys") who are most likely on the spectrum. You could have been describing a close relative of mine and while I know there are people with your kind of ungenerous attitude in the world, it pains me.

Interacting with people is called human consideration. Yes, they expect you to interact. He's not an inanimate object. I would be pretty pissed if you treated my DS, who has AS and sounds a lot like this kid, as a piece of furniture. You get no sympathy because its difficult. had you posted something along the lines of "I am having trouble interacting with a friend's son because of ____," it might have been different. Instead you posted about what bad parents this kid has.

Poor you, having to try to make conversation with a child who has a disability. What burdens you have.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and since you are ignorant I will explain. No, they can't GET how other teens act. They cannot read nonverbal cues. Its like everyone is speaking another language. And basic mimicry is very difficult as well, for the same reason.

But really, you're not worth explaining this to because you'll just find another reason to show contempt toward something this family can't control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- first time I’m responding, so I was not the one who said it’s my right to know something just because I’m at someone’s home. From my perspective, no idea if he is on the spectrum, nor do I expect anyone to share a medical diagnosis with me.

Is it possible that a kid is so into his own “world” -- whether it’s the internet or video games or whatever that he just doesn’t “know” how to socialize, or does it have to be a medical issue?

Either way -- why is it my business? Because these parents expect others to interact with their kid. How is one supposed to interact when the kid acts like this? This isn’t like putting up with a little kid with annoying behavior -- you do it because they’re little and don’t know better, but a high school junior -- shouldn’t they GET how other teen boys act and just mimic that behavior in public? I think I agree with the PP that parents can shift the kids 1-2 points on the scale but can’t change them altogether because I can’t imagine that these parents WANT this behavior.

No, you don't get an out here, OP. You're shifting from your original post in which you lambasted these parents and ridiculed adults ("those guys") who are most likely on the spectrum. You could have been describing a close relative of mine and while I know there are people with your kind of ungenerous attitude in the world, it pains me.

Interacting with people is called human consideration. Yes, they expect you to interact. He's not an inanimate object. I would be pretty pissed if you treated my DS, who has AS and sounds a lot like this kid, as a piece of furniture. You get no sympathy because its difficult. had you posted something along the lines of "I am having trouble interacting with a friend's son because of ____," it might have been different. Instead you posted about what bad parents this kid has.

Poor you, having to try to make conversation with a child who has a disability. What burdens you have.

OP here -- who is asking for an out? Why do I care if you disagree with my opinion? Hate to break it to you but there are lots of others out there who will not figure out how to handle such interactions -- they just avoid them altogether.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, but what if they're not on the spectrum? Let's reframe OP's scenario.

Hypothetical parents of a hypothetical child know that he is not SN in any way. He's just weird or different to a point where it's impacting his ability to engage with his peers or other adults. Do the parents have a responsibility simply let their child grow up to be himself, or if you were the parent, would you try to guide and shape a little bit to bring your kid in from the margins?

Of course. It's called teaching your kid manners.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is you point, OP? Now you want guidance, but initially you just wanted to vent about these parents. What is it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here -- who is asking for an out? Why do I care if you disagree with my opinion? Hate to break it to you but there are lots of others out there who will not figure out how to handle such interactions -- they just avoid them altogether.

This is concern trolling. "I, of course, am not bothered by interacting with people with disabilities! But there are other people who might be! We need to be thinking about them!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here -- who is asking for an out? Why do I care if you disagree with my opinion? Hate to break it to you but there are lots of others out there who will not figure out how to handle such interactions -- they just avoid them altogether.

This is concern trolling. "I, of course, am not bothered by interacting with people with disabilities! But there are other people who might be! We need to be thinking about them!"

I didn't see anywhere in OP's post or subsequent posts that indicated this child is SN. I have a family member like this, crazy genius-level smart and crazy weird. He is not on the spectrum, he has no special needs, but he is beyond the description of what people on DCUM call quirky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- first time I’m responding, so I was not the one who said it’s my right to know something just because I’m at someone’s home. From my perspective, no idea if he is on the spectrum, nor do I expect anyone to share a medical diagnosis with me.

Is it possible that a kid is so into his own “world” -- whether it’s the internet or video games or whatever that he just doesn’t “know” how to socialize, or does it have to be a medical issue?

Either way -- why is it my business? Because these parents expect others to interact with their kid. How is one supposed to interact when the kid acts like this? This isn’t like putting up with a little kid with annoying behavior -- you do it because they’re little and don’t know better, but a high school junior -- shouldn’t they GET how other teen boys act and just mimic that behavior in public? I think I agree with the PP that parents can shift the kids 1-2 points on the scale but can’t change them altogether because I can’t imagine that these parents WANT this behavior.

NP here. I think it might be helpful to think of this boy as obviously having challenges, regardless of whether he does or does not qualify for a particular diagnosis. As far as teaching kids basic social skills, it is not difficult to be an adequate parent to neurotypical kids. Generally children want to fit in, they want to have friends, and most are born with the ability to imitate others and read clues in social situations. Yes, some kids may have more practice in social situations, and they may as a result be more polite and skilled socially, but a neurotypical kid does not require all that much practice to come off as someone in the average range. When a child is struggling the way you describe, I think it is pretty clear that he has challenges. Often a kid like this needs to be taught social skills very explicitly for a long time.

[Anonymous]

OP - Does the kid have an overbearing mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- first time I’m responding, so I was not the one who said it’s my right to know something just because I’m at someone’s home. From my perspective, no idea if he is on the spectrum, nor do I expect anyone to share a medical diagnosis with me.

Is it possible that a kid is so into his own “world” -- whether it’s the internet or video games or whatever that he just doesn’t “know” how to socialize, or does it have to be a medical issue?

Either way -- why is it my business? Because these parents expect others to interact with their kid. How is one supposed to interact when the kid acts like this? This isn’t like putting up with a little kid with annoying behavior -- you do it because they’re little and don’t know better, but a high school junior -- shouldn’t they GET how other teen boys act and just mimic that behavior in public? I think I agree with the PP that parents can shift the kids 1-2 points on the scale but can’t change them altogether because I can’t imagine that these parents WANT this behavior.

NP here. I think it might be helpful to think of this boy as obviously having challenges, regardless of whether he does or does not qualify for a particular diagnosis. As far as teaching kids basic social skills, it is not difficult to be an adequate parent to neurotypical kids. Generally children want to fit in, they want to have friends, and most are born with the ability to imitate others and read clues in social situations. Yes, some kids may have more practice in social situations, and they may as a result be more polite and skilled socially, but a neurotypical kid does not require all that much practice to come off as someone in the average range. When a child is struggling the way you describe, I think it is pretty clear that he has challenges. Often a kid like this needs to be taught social skills very explicitly for a long time.

+1

What OP describes is more than just a lack of social skills. This child has intense special interests and is also disengaged from the world around him (i.e. not zipping up his fly). It reads as a classic case of AS. I think most posters on this thread read it the same way. Most of us would clearly see this as a kid with some sort of neurodevelopmental issue and would treat the family accordingly. OP seems to lack a certain social awareness herself by not picking up on this and then by digging in (Those inadequate parents didn't tell me how to talk to their child! And why can't the child just mimic other kids and get over his thing?).

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why so many people think this is a special needs kid. There are simply some parents that don't care whether their child fits into society and do nothing much to help them or even encourage their odd behavior because it pleases the child. Just watch TV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why so many people think this is a special needs kid. There are simply some parents that don't care whether their child fits into society and do nothing much to help them or even encourage their odd behavior because it pleases the child. Just watch TV.

Given that nobody has any idea whether this child (or any other socially awkward child) they meet is autistic or has other developmental issues, why would you feel so compelled to jump to the conclusion that his awkwardness is his parents' fault? It would make just as much logical sense and be a kinder and less stressful way to view the world if you accepted his awkwardness as part of who he is, whether that means he is on the spectrum, is super shy, or is having an awkward stage, and had compassion for him and his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why so many people think this is a special needs kid. There are simply some parents that don't care whether their child fits into society and do nothing much to help them or even encourage their odd behavior because it pleases the child. Just watch TV.

Op here - this is what I was thinking. Is it necessary that every odd kid has a medical issue these days? Frankly if this kid or any kid is on the spectrum, his parents should be talking about it so that people realize their kid isn't just weird and it isn't a parenting issue. Otherwise the rest of society - except dcum which is apparently pro aspergers - concludes this is a strange kid they don't want to interact with. Yes - there is an overbearing mother who can't possibly be helping by imparting her dorkiness on him, planning every aspect of his life from the next meal to grad school, and frankly discouraging him to hang out with his dad who fits into the world and understands the world better than mother and son. Whatever - don't care what this kids issue is but was surprised by his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure why so many people think this is a special needs kid. There are simply some parents that don't care whether their child fits into society and do nothing much to help them or even encourage their odd behavior because it pleases the child. Just watch TV.

Op here - this is what I was thinking. Is it necessary that every odd kid has a medical issue these days? Frankly if this kid or any kid is on the spectrum, his parents should be talking about it so that people realize their kid isn't just weird and it isn't a parenting issue. Otherwise the rest of society - except dcum which is apparently pro aspergers - concludes this is a strange kid they don't want to interact with. Yes - there is an overbearing mother who can't possibly be helping by imparting her dorkiness on him, planning every aspect of his life from the next meal to grad school, and frankly discouraging him to hang out with his dad who fits into the world and understands the world better than mother and son. Whatever - don't care what this kids issue is but was surprised by his behavior.

I don't talk about my kid's ASD with people. It's not their business. I don't care if people think he's weird or I'm a bad parent. Better they think that, than that they think he is retarded or that he is dangerous like Adam Lanza.

Here's the deal: you were uncomfortable and felt awkward in their home. You can stay with them again and put up with it, or you can decline any future invitations. Just like with any other family. Making decisions about how the kid behaves or how they parent isn't your business.