How much do you encourage kids to "fit in"?

[Anonymous]

Ok, but what if they're not on the spectrum? Let's reframe OP's scenario.

Hypothetical parents of a hypothetical child know that he is not SN in any way. He's just weird or different to a point where it's impacting his ability to engage with his peers or other adults. Do the parents have a responsibility simply let their child grow up to be himself, or if you were the parent, would you try to guide and shape a little bit to bring your kid in from the margins?

[Anonymous]

How about this, OP? Instead of focusing on other kids fitting in (over which you have no control)focus instead on how you and your kids can learn how to draw more "quirky" kids out of their shells. You do have some control over that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

If I am close enough with someone that they'd invite me into their home to stay for a weekend I would assume we are close enough for them to tell me if their child has autism.

I have tons of friends who I have told and tons of friends who I have not told. It just depends on whether it comes up or not. Why would she tell you this?

[Anonymous]

My relatives have kids like this not on the spectrum at all. They just let the kids do whatever they want and don't encourage them at all to go beyond their comfort zone. They never did playdates growing up and have few friends beyond family. All of their kids are graduated now and living at home with no job or dropped out of college. At this point, I'm not sure what anyone could do to change the situation and don't bother mentioning it. But with my own kids, I make sure they are comfortable with others who may not be just like themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

If I am close enough with someone that they'd invite me into their home to stay for a weekend I would assume we are close enough for them to tell me if their child has autism.

You know, my DH has a chronic disease and is very private about it. Very few people know he has it.

I can think of a dozen people/families off the top of my head who I would invite to stay for a weekend, but to whom I would not disclose DH's illness.

You are assuming a lot. If the child in question is on the spectrum it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Eh, then we're not such good friends.

[Anonymous]

I help my kids "fit in" to the extent it makes them unhappy to not fit in, to the extent I can afford it, and to the extent it is just to put my kids on an even playing field and not make them "better" than other kids. So if my son really wants a certain sneaker because that is what most the boys are wearing, and it is in my budget, I buy it. I won't buy him an I-phone when all the other kids have simple phones just so he can be super cool. And if my kid is perfectly happy wandering around in a dorky Pokemon t-shirt that the other kids tease him about, but he is totally secure in his nerdiness and doesn't care, I'm not going to throw his shirt away and make him buy new shirts.

[Anonymous]

We work on social stuff a lot. DC is very social, but can be overbearing. We work in teaching DC that it's nice/polite to let other people speak. We don't talk over others when they are talking. DC should include other kids in conversation, even if he feels they are weird. DC is AHDH and has a hard time waiting his turn to speak in conversation. We remind him whenever he is talking over us or his friends. It might be helicopterish, but he needs to know what is expected in society. Same for personal hygiene - showering, washing under nails, brushing teeth, flossing. All stuff they need to know and we feel we should be showing.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I wouldn't frame it as "fitting in," but I aim to make sure that my child has life skills.

However, in my experience with many teenage boys, the combo of immersive gaming plus not zipping pants signals a neurological or other developmental disability. Being self-absorbed or hyper-focused on particular interests happens more commonly with kids and adults and not everyone is coached in how to participate politely in a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

If I am close enough with someone that they'd invite me into their home to stay for a weekend I would assume we are close enough for them to tell me if their child has autism.

You know, my DH has a chronic disease and is very private about it. Very few people know he has it.

I can think of a dozen people/families off the top of my head who I would invite to stay for a weekend, but to whom I would not disclose DH's illness.

You are assuming a lot. If the child in question is on the spectrum it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Eh, then we're not such good friends.

...by your narrow definition.

You are only entitled to information someone wants to share with you - and no more. What part of that is so hard to understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

If I am close enough with someone that they'd invite me into their home to stay for a weekend I would assume we are close enough for them to tell me if their child has autism.

You know, my DH has a chronic disease and is very private about it. Very few people know he has it.

I can think of a dozen people/families off the top of my head who I would invite to stay for a weekend, but to whom I would not disclose DH's illness.

You are assuming a lot. If the child in question is on the spectrum it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Eh, then we're not such good friends.

Who ever said you were?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

If I am close enough with someone that they'd invite me into their home to stay for a weekend I would assume we are close enough for them to tell me if their child has autism.

You know, my DH has a chronic disease and is very private about it. Very few people know he has it.

I can think of a dozen people/families off the top of my head who I would invite to stay for a weekend, but to whom I would not disclose DH's illness.

You are assuming a lot. If the child in question is on the spectrum it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Eh, then we're not such good friends.

Who ever said you were?

I wouldn't let someone who's not a good friend stay as a guest at my home for a weekend.

[Anonymous]

If the kid has an issue, his parents may or may not know or they may be in denial OP. You do sound really judgmental. You should thank your lucky stars you don't have a child like this and try to be helpful as others have said. My sister has a down's syndrome kid. She can't do anything or go anywhere w/o having to worry about that child. I couldn't do what she does and I know it. Try to have a little compassion.

If on the other hand this boy is just one of thousands who is allowed to play non-stop on his computer...then try to invite him out for a lunch or something for some fresh air. And, say "no tech".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

If I am close enough with someone that they'd invite me into their home to stay for a weekend I would assume we are close enough for them to tell me if their child has autism.

You know, my DH has a chronic disease and is very private about it. Very few people know he has it.

I can think of a dozen people/families off the top of my head who I would invite to stay for a weekend, but to whom I would not disclose DH's illness.

You are assuming a lot. If the child in question is on the spectrum it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

Eh, then we're not such good friends.

Who ever said you were?

I wouldn't let someone who's not a good friend stay as a guest at my home for a weekend.

Weird.

[Anonymous]

It does sound like he has Asperger's. Though sometimes kids who are exceptionally bright and gifted can have social quirks similar to the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

There is a difference between life skills and "fitting in". Zipping up your pants is a life skill. Talking about sports is something a lot of people do to "fit in"...although I find people who talk incessantly about sports to be boring and some of them quite clearly have issues with normal socializing. Anyway, you can't possibly expect all 17yr old boys to be articulate and charming...they are a jumble of hormones and angst. Mind your own business.