How much do you encourage kids to "fit in"?

[Anonymous]

To be clear I’m not suggesting that every high school guy needs to be a varsity athlete, student body president, prom king or life of the party. Part of me thinks that if a kid is happy as is and has some friends, it’s fine if they can only talk about video games, technology and random internet musings. But after spending a weekend with a 17 yr old who is unable to make conversation with his peers or adults -- though he can talk about the most random things he’s reading on the internet but it’s a lecture not a conversation -- spends his life glued to a computer or video games and needs his mother to remind him of the most basic of tasks (the kind of clothing things you’d talk to a 10 yr old boy about - zipping up pants etc.) -- I’m thinking parents should focus on making sure kids “fit” in. Is it totally wrong to try to “change” a kid so that they can talk to peers and adults about a few normal things like sports, music, news, and/or community topics? While it's nice to march to the beat of your own drummer, how far do you let a kid go before you worry that they will become “that guy” at the office -- the guy sitting alone in his cube all day and no one interacts with him bc while he may be nice he says weird things and was never socialized the right way and after giving him 1-2 chances, no one wants to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

How do you know the parents didn't try?

[Anonymous]

I think parents should teach kids enough so they can interact politely-- that includes having your pants zipped up, or eating politely, and hopefully being able to make a bit of conversation (although that's harder to teach)-- but as to whether they are "normal" or "popular" I wouldn't try to change my kid.

[Anonymous]

How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

+1

[Anonymous]

He sounds like he's on the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he's on the spectrum.

+1

As the parent of one, believe me we try. You really need to mind your own business. Whether or not this child has or should have a diagnosis, your judgment is just out of line. You have no idea what these parents are struggling with.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and please stop judging "that guy" as well. That guy probably grew ip before high functioning ASDs were diagnosed. He is at higher risk for depression and suicide. And the last thing he needs is judgy people like you.

You are exactly the reason why I have fears about my DS' future, that there will be ignorant people who judge what he can't control.

And judge me as well, since you seem to be blaming parents entirely. You really need to educate yourself.

[Anonymous]

Assuming we go from 0-10 where 0 is "prom king/varsity QB/helps orphans across the street" and 10 is "will probably be better off in an institution."

Parents might be able to socialize their kids a point or two in either direction. My parents probably took me from a 7 to a 6 -- maybe I could get a diagnosis if I shopped around enough, and I know I'm probably too weird/fat for most women.

For example, I'll still misfire and just say something completely non-related to what my wife or others are saying. In order to get my attention, ANYONE will have to almost yell out my name, even in the middle of a group conversation.

BUT, I've learned not everyone cares about (whatever my pet interests are) the way I do. I've learned basic social skills.

Thing is, OP's friend's kid may well be doing the best they can to get their kid to that level. How does this kid being a little weird bother/affect you in any way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

This was my first thought after reading the post.

[Anonymous]

we know a kid like this in our neighborhood. I can't bring myself to say anything to his parents. I'm sure they're well aware of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

If I am close enough with someone that they'd invite me into their home to stay for a weekend I would assume we are close enough for them to tell me if their child has autism.

[Anonymous]

They may not know because they think of "autism" as Rain Man -ish, not a nerdy kid who can't read social skills and has obsessive interests. He very well may have Aspergers' or some other high-functioning place on the autism spectrum. Some parents are clueless, but this kid is slightly too old to have the benefit of the recent advances in diagnosing Aspergers and other spectrum issues, so he might just not have gotten the help he needed. Perhaps he was fine academically as well, so caught no attention for his lack of social skills. In any case, if you aren't directly involved and able to safely say something (this would be rare), then just stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

If I am close enough with someone that they'd invite me into their home to stay for a weekend I would assume we are close enough for them to tell me if their child has autism.

But seeing how judgmental you are, I sure wouldn't feel comfortable sharing something like that with you. And if someone is close enough to invite you into their home, they're close enough not to have you judge their parenting abilities. Fine guest you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you know this child isn't on the spectrum or otherwise dealing with social defecits that are inherent and not the fault of his parenting?

If I am close enough with someone that they'd invite me into their home to stay for a weekend I would assume we are close enough for them to tell me if their child has autism.

You know, my DH has a chronic disease and is very private about it. Very few people know he has it.

I can think of a dozen people/families off the top of my head who I would invite to stay for a weekend, but to whom I would not disclose DH's illness.

You are assuming a lot. If the child in question is on the spectrum it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.