Why don't some people have any friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because, OP, I am just. Too. Busy.
Realize this is pathetic, but it is true.
Insanely demanding job, DH, kids, ailing mom. If I spend time with a friend I have to steal that time from elsewhere--my evenings and weekends are needed by family.

+1. I talk to friends on the phone but rarely have time to get together with folks. There are a few couples DH and I like to have dinner out with but we all have kids and it is hard to fit time in to get together. I would love to entertain more at the house but don't have the time and no money to pay a caterer anymore with private school tuition.

[Anonymous]

I would say I am a mix between an introvert and socially awkard. In my career I interface with people all day and have great client skills, but I find it hard to connect on a personal level. When my kids were growing up I had a social life with activities and whatnot, but no real friends. I make every attempt with my 16yr daughter to make sure she has a full social life, but she actually told me she needs more downtime that most, so now I back off. I work in a male dominated industry, so I think what works with men does not work with women. And, I might just be boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say I am a mix between an introvert and socially awkard. In my career I interface with people all day and have great client skills, but I find it hard to connect on a personal level. When my kids were growing up I had a social life with activities and whatnot, but no real friends. I make every attempt with my 16yr daughter to make sure she has a full social life, but she actually told me she needs more downtime that most, so now I back off. I work in a male dominated industry, so I think what works with men does not work with women. And, I might just be boring.

1000 percent me too.

[Anonymous]

I'm a married woman who doesn't really have any friends. DH and I moved here knowing no one and we have no family here. So we had no one to introduce us to new people, and going to social groups and meetups didn't really help that much because I think that people in their 30's aren't open to making new friends. Most people I meet (such as all my work colleagues) have grown up here or went to school here and don't have the time or energy to make new friends. So that leaves someone like me in a really tough position. I need and want friends but can't find anyone who is looking to make new friends. Even those people who attend meetups and social groups aren't really serious about making new friends and tend to be very flaky.

It's frustrating. It's hard for me to accept my friendless state. I ruminate about this a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to pile on - please please please don't try to "fix" your introvert husband. Introverts are different from you - but we are not "broken" or "on the autism spectrum" just because we don't need people around all the time and don't feel the need to share all the f'ing time.



So you're content to having no friends and spending nights and weekends home alone because you're not able to maintain a connection with another human being?

There is "introvert" and then there is "socially awkward".

NP here.

Wow, PP, I don't know whether you meant it, but your response is incredibly insulting and presumptuous.

Just because someone is an introvert who doesn't need people around all the time does not remotely translate into having no friends or being unable to maintain a connection with another human being. How does a thinking person make such illogical leaps?

Leaving your nonsense judgments, I think the issue is in how we define close friendships and what we expect to get from these friendships on a regular basis. If you are an introvert, you have friends, they just might not be local and maybe you don't need frequent contact with them to be satisfied with your relationships. People who mourn not having more frequent contact with their friendships are not introverts...they are people who may be lonely because what they need from their friendships doesn't match what they are getting from their local friends. Two different things.

I'm an introvert who doesn't need a lot of social time, which sometimes disappoints my friends who want to hang out more frequently. I have people who would help me out if I were sick and whom I would go out for even when I thought I was too tired or ambivalent to talk to someone else. I have incredible empathy for people who are not introverts and who really want a BFF they talk to every day and see several times a week and just can't find that person locally. That sounds lonely. But again, it sounds like an issue of friendship expectations and people's needs.

People who don't have plans every night with other people aren't people without friends or meaningful attachments nor are they socially awkward by definition.

(That may be a personal best of number of negatives in a single sentence right there. Go me.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a married woman who doesn't really have any friends. DH and I moved here knowing no one and we have no family here. So we had no one to introduce us to new people, and going to social groups and meetups didn't really help that much because I think that people in their 30's aren't open to making new friends. Most people I meet (such as all my work colleagues) have grown up here or went to school here and don't have the time or energy to make new friends. So that leaves someone like me in a really tough position. I need and want friends but can't find anyone who is looking to make new friends. Even those people who attend meetups and social groups aren't really serious about making new friends and tend to be very flaky.

It's frustrating. It's hard for me to accept my friendless state. I ruminate about this a lot.

This makes me really sad. We've got a great group of gals here in NoVa that always welcome others into our group, and I've met some wonderful friends this way. Don't beat yourself up, maybe you just haven't met the right group of gals yet.

[Anonymous]

I asked my husband why he thought we didn't have many friends and his response was, "probably because I'm an asshole and you're neurotic." He could be right, though I imagine that in the DC area, we should be able to find other assholes and neurotic people to associate with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a married woman who doesn't really have any friends. DH and I moved here knowing no one and we have no family here. So we had no one to introduce us to new people, and going to social groups and meetups didn't really help that much because I think that people in their 30's aren't open to making new friends. Most people I meet (such as all my work colleagues) have grown up here or went to school here and don't have the time or energy to make new friends. So that leaves someone like me in a really tough position. I need and want friends but can't find anyone who is looking to make new friends. Even those people who attend meetups and social groups aren't really serious about making new friends and tend to be very flaky.

It's frustrating. It's hard for me to accept my friendless state. I ruminate about this a lot.

This makes me really sad. We've got a great group of gals here in NoVa that always welcome others into our group, and I've met some wonderful friends this way. Don't beat yourself up, maybe you just haven't met the right group of gals yet.

I'm the poster who wrote the above that you quoted. I'm very, very lonely. I long to have a BFF who I can feel close to, see frequently, and have a real connection with. Unfortunately I have not found anyone who is interested in this--I have made a few acquaintances who are very crazy busy with their own friends and family because they grew up in the area. It's very hard to be a newbie to this area. Where did you meet this great group of ladies in NoVA? I have tried lots of meetups and social groups, but have not had much luck with that. Most of the new acquaintances I have made are content with getting together once every 3 months or so and that is just not enough for me, especially with a new friendship and since I don't know many people here yet. I have no social support here and feel no sense of community in this area. DH and I never have plans and spend every holiday alone--our families are a several day drive away. It makes me so sad to have no sense of connection here. No one is interested in being friends at work either--just work acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

I grew up here and we have friends but we are too busy to see people much, with ft jobs, three kids, house stuff/chores it just seems like my friendships are dying away. Also, my house is never clean enough and/or I don't have money to go out. Sometimes I'm just too tired to make the effort or I want to hang with my kids. My SIL is constantly entertaining and sees friends ALL THE TIME and I'm kind of jealous. It seems they have people over every weekend. She goes on girls weekend trips away and on joint couple family vacations. I shouldn't compare but I wish I had closer friends and more of them and did more with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any close friends. You know those families that look normal on the outside but behind closed doors there's a ton of really fucked up stuff going on? That was my family growing up. I was socially awkward and my mother created a slew of hoops to jump through in order to go to a friend's house or have a friend over, so it almost never happened.

I'm better now, and have people I sometimes meet with for lunch or whatever, but no close friends. I don't chat on the phone with friends. Nobody would bring me soup if I were sick or help with groceries if I broke a leg. My cell phone can go days without ringing.

My facebook page has about 85 friends and half are family members.

It's a shame really, because I'd make a GREAT friend. But everybody's set already with their friends. Nobody's looking for a good friend in me.

It's the same for me, PP. Just want you to know you're not the only one.

I wish I understood the connection between the childhood issues and the adult issues a little bit better.

NP here. I've been thinking about this a lot. I grew up with an alcoholic father. We moved often. I just could not ever bring anyone home to my house and quickly learned to not bother forming friendships because I was soon going to leave. I learned to retreat into myself.

I do see a pattern in myself; once I get to know someone and become close, I almost repel and back off. All of a sudden, it seems to hard to maintain the friendship - reciprocating social things, returning calls, hanging out...and I let the relationship go, mostly out of guilt that I am a terrible, unworthy friend. The cycle repeats - I have a huge group of ex-friends who I am certain hate me and wonder what happened.

My alkie dad never, ever had any male friends. Not even drinking buddies.

My ILs have lived in the same town for 40 years. They have exactly one friend each, a married couple who lives nearby. They do not socialize with anyone else.

[ThatSmileyFaceGuy]

I don't have friends, I have acquaintences and I like it that way.

Tho my wife also makes a point to mention it now and then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any close friends. You know those families that look normal on the outside but behind closed doors there's a ton of really fucked up stuff going on? That was my family growing up. I was socially awkward and my mother created a slew of hoops to jump through in order to go to a friend's house or have a friend over, so it almost never happened.

I'm better now, and have people I sometimes meet with for lunch or whatever, but no close friends. I don't chat on the phone with friends. Nobody would bring me soup if I were sick or help with groceries if I broke a leg. My cell phone can go days without ringing.

My facebook page has about 85 friends and half are family members.

It's a shame really, because I'd make a GREAT friend. But everybody's set already with their friends. Nobody's looking for a good friend in me.

You sound similar to me. But are there many people who actually chat on the phone? These days, people chat online/text. I didn't go to college in the DC area but the bane of living in this area is the high turnover of people, coming and going. I have acquaintances and don't call everyone I know a friend. I have trust issues and take a while to get to know people.

I think the socializing is a learned behavior from parents/family. When I was growing up, my parents worked A LOT and we had family parties twice a year but no parties with non-family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any friends. I used to be very social, have lots of friends, however moved out of state after college and lost most of my friends. Got new friends in my new state just to have them get married and move away as well so now I am 30 and I have zero friends I am not antisocial, but all of my friends live out of state, and I feel like the older you are the harder it is to find people you click with. I desperately want friends but besides my coworkers I dont know anyone where I live fml

I agree that making friends requires some work. You have to get out there and meet people and spend time and effort to establish relationships. When I moved to this country I made a conscious effort to establish a new circle of friends. It took time and effort, and sometimes I was left disappointed, but now I do have a group of friends and acquaintances that I enjoy.

pp, did you have kids when you moved to the country? I think it's different if you move anywhere with kids or no kids, in terms of free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to pile on - please please please don't try to "fix" your introvert husband. Introverts are different from you - but we are not "broken" or "on the autism spectrum" just because we don't need people around all the time and don't feel the need to share all the f'ing time.

Funny, you mention autism. I'm an introvert and like to socialize once in awhile but not all the time. I have few close friends (I know who my friends are). My husband tells me that I am autistic and should get help, but I don't fit the description of someone with autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:+2, how many woman have posted" I don't need anymore friends" or "my friend circle is full.. blah blah blah- it goes both ways

Yep, I agree with that.