Why don't some people have any friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's your job to fill her void, assuming she has a void, but if you have extra time, it's a nice thing to do.

It feels like charity. Like it's not something I'd do if she wasn't needy. I feel like "oh, I have to schedule to bring my children over to see MIL on Friday because she's lonely". Like children are circus monkeys that you take around for entertaining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any friends. I used to be very social, have lots of friends, however moved out of state after college and lost most of my friends. Got new friends in my new state just to have them get married and move away as well so now I am 30 and I have zero friends I am not antisocial, but all of my friends live out of state, and I feel like the older you are the harder it is to find people you click with. I desperately want friends but besides my coworkers I dont know anyone where I live fml

I agree that making friends requires some work. You have to get out there and meet people and spend time and effort to establish relationships. When I moved to this country I made a conscious effort to establish a new circle of friends. It took time and effort, and sometimes I was left disappointed, but now I do have a group of friends and acquaintances that I enjoy.

[Anonymous]

OP, glad I'm not alone. ILs are military and only have military friends because they are "built in" - i.e.: through the dad, otherwise they would only have maybe one or two each, if lucky.

I find it odd, but always just assumed everyone had friends. I mean, who doesn't??!! YIKES!

Yup, I say its them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's your job to fill her void, assuming she has a void, but if you have extra time, it's a nice thing to do.

It feels like charity. Like it's not something I'd do if she wasn't needy. I feel like "oh, I have to schedule to bring my children over to see MIL on Friday because she's lonely". Like children are circus monkeys that you take around for entertaining.

I don't like my MIL all that much but I still don't understand this attitude towards family. Wow. Just wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any close friends. You know those families that look normal on the outside but behind closed doors there's a ton of really fucked up stuff going on? That was my family growing up. I was socially awkward and my mother created a slew of hoops to jump through in order to go to a friend's house or have a friend over, so it almost never happened.

I'm better now, and have people I sometimes meet with for lunch or whatever, but no close friends. I don't chat on the phone with friends. Nobody would bring me soup if I were sick or help with groceries if I broke a leg. My cell phone can go days without ringing.

My facebook page has about 85 friends and half are family members.

It's a shame really, because I'd make a GREAT friend. But everybody's set already with their friends. Nobody's looking for a good friend in me.

It's the same for me, PP. Just want you to know you're not the only one.

I wish I understood the connection between the childhood issues and the adult issues a little bit better.

[Anonymous]

First read this - http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2003/03/caring-for-your-introvert/302696/

I am happy, content and secure. I don't have any local friends. I have a few friends I call and email from other places I've lived. I hang out with co-workers and attend work events, charity fundraisers, etc. about one evening a week. However I have a very people centered job - I go to meetings all day every day. Once I am home I don't want to talk much. My husband calls it being "all talked out". He is kind and doesn't bug me about it and knows I am happy to listen to him talk about his day and tell me things he's read, but that I don't want to tell long stories about my day.

He has many friends. I encourage him to call people, make plans, join clubs, go to his work happy hours, etc. I am happy to tag along when he makes plans with other couples, he doen't mind if sometimes I stay home.

As long as the person who needs lots of friends and excitement can get what they need - while respecting that not everyone needs the same level of social interaction to feel happy - I am not sure what the issue is.

[Anonymous]

Just to pile on - please please please don't try to "fix" your introvert husband. Introverts are different from you - but we are not "broken" or "on the autism spectrum" just because we don't need people around all the time and don't feel the need to share all the f'ing time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to pile on - please please please don't try to "fix" your introvert husband. Introverts are different from you - but we are not "broken" or "on the autism spectrum" just because we don't need people around all the time and don't feel the need to share all the f'ing time.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to pile on - please please please don't try to "fix" your introvert husband. Introverts are different from you - but we are not "broken" or "on the autism spectrum" just because we don't need people around all the time and don't feel the need to share all the f'ing time.

This. So very much this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to pile on - please please please don't try to "fix" your introvert husband. Introverts are different from you - but we are not "broken" or "on the autism spectrum" just because we don't need people around all the time and don't feel the need to share all the f'ing time.

So you're content to having no friends and spending nights and weekends home alone because you're not able to maintain a connection with another human being?

There is "introvert" and then there is "socially awkward".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to pile on - please please please don't try to "fix" your introvert husband. Introverts are different from you - but we are not "broken" or "on the autism spectrum" just because we don't need people around all the time and don't feel the need to share all the f'ing time.

So you're content to having no friends and spending nights and weekends home alone because you're not able to maintain a connection with another human being?

There is "introvert" and then there is "socially awkward".

Umm yeah, I am really happy without many friends. I am very content to stay home, alone in the evening while DH is out with friends because I enjoy being alone after being social all day at work. I am very capable of having connections with a few close friends and DH. Some people just don't need / want lots of friends or lots of time spent "hanging out" with others. That's the definition of an introvert. I can be social when I want to be. I just don't want to be social as much as other non-introverts.

Why do you have to put down others just because they are different than you and you can't understand it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to pile on - please please please don't try to "fix" your introvert husband. Introverts are different from you - but we are not "broken" or "on the autism spectrum" just because we don't need people around all the time and don't feel the need to share all the f'ing time.

This. So very much this.

Another +1. My daughter is an introvert. She has two close friends, but spending time with them is exhausting for her. She would much rather hang out at home with her family. There is nothing wrong with her. It's just who she is. She is happy, confident, and successful.

[Anonymous]

Because, OP, I am just. Too. Busy.
Realize this is pathetic, but it is true.
Insanely demanding job, DH, kids, ailing mom. If I spend time with a friend I have to steal that time from elsewhere--my evenings and weekends are needed by family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's your job to fill her void, assuming she has a void, but if you have extra time, it's a nice thing to do.

It feels like charity. Like it's not something I'd do if she wasn't needy. I feel like "oh, I have to schedule to bring my children over to see MIL on Friday because she's lonely". Like children are circus monkeys that you take around for entertaining.

I don't know if you meant it to come out like this, because your statement sounds very cold and selfish. And I say that as someone not all that into hanging out with family. It's not charity to bring a grandmother and her grandchildren together. One day you may be a grandmother, and you will feel powerless if your son/daughter-in-law begrudges you spending time with your child's children. And unless she's some kind of monster, your kids can only benefit from the love and attention of a grandmother. If you're saying all this from a perspective where you feel overextended and worn out, well, just leave the kids with her when she wants to see them, if she can look after them on her own, and everyone wins. You get a break, she gets to be with her grandkids, and the kids get grandma time.

[Anonymous]

I moved here a few years ago, and was lucky to meet a group of people at work. Over the past few years, they have moved away, one by one. Now, DH and I have one friend each that we see about once a month.

At my new job, everyone is about 15 years older and they have been there forever. We're friendly at work, but I'm never invited to outside events. DH's job doesn't really lend itself to making friends because everyone's on their own. It's funny because in the last place we lived, we both had great circles of friends. We are both very friendly, it's just hard to start from scratch and make lasting relationships when people are so transient here.