Ballet tickets, MIL, and babysitting

[Anonymous]

^^Now that I read the whole thing, yes, DH stayed with her several times when she "babysat"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I probably do need to light up on some level, but as another PP noted, I'm partially annoyed because it IS a passive-aggressive way to get what she wants.

Apart from flat-out refusing to follow "my crazy FTM rules" (put him on his back to sleep, always use the car seat in the car *and* do up the buckles, no giving sugar to the baby as a treat, etc.), she does have some physical limitations and memory issues.

She's almost dropped him quite a few times and usually tries to cover it by saying that he's really wiggly or heavy or strong for her (he's 14lbs, not huge), yet then she tries to lift him up above her head to play "airplane." She's extremely iffy on the stairs and leans heavily on the handrail to get up and down.

She can't remember how to spell his name (it's 4 letters, not difficult), or his birthday, or how old he is. She can't remember if she fed or walked her dog that day, frequently forgets to close and lock the door to her house, often has no idea what day it is, etc.

Anyway, I like the idea of leaving DH with her and going to the ballet with a girlfriend. Or just explaining we're not ready to leave him yet and suggest she use the tickets. The thing is, I see these issues getting worse, not better over time (though he will get to be less work once he can walk, dress himself, etc.), so I'm not sure I will really ever feel comfortable with her babysitting him.

yikes. I usually side with in-laws on these types of posts, but given this description, I agree that she should not babysit. But you need to tell her what's up instead of just putting her off. She obviously is not getting the message. My DH has an aunt that helped care for him as a baby, and was over-the-top excited to babysit when our daughter was born (she's 3 now). We did not want to insult her, but she also had physical and mental limitations. We solved the issue by hiring a "real" babysitter, and then asking Aunt to come over and help keep an eye on things. The babysitter, who was a close friend, knew about the issue and made sure DD was safe, but I think it made DH's aunt feel like she was very invovled, and that we respected her as a caregiver. But we also made sure to never leave her alone with the baby.

For this round, OP, if you do not want to have this family fight (it's coming, though... you need to get it out there) I vote DH stays home and you go with a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you need to be grateful!

Your MIL wants to babysit. You have someone who loves your child that is willing to take your child for 3 short hours so you can reconnect with your DH. Do you know how many of us would LOVE that? I don't love my ILs either, but you know how thrilled I would be if they lived closer so I can drop off my child with them and go one a date with my DH. She isn't asking you to hang out with her. I don't see what the big deal about 3 hours is. Your kid is going to spend time with someone that loves them, and you get a night out.

Do you realize how much it sucks to not have any family in town to help you out???? Let's just say it sucks!

If you don't want to spend time your DH, then that's one thing, but if you do, suck it up!

The fact that it sucks not to have your IL's around here doesn't make her MIL safe to take care of a child alone. OP doesn't suffer from ingratitude (necessarily); if her MIL truly is senile and stubborn, she cannot take care of a child alone.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you need to be grateful!

Your MIL wants to babysit. You have someone who loves your child that is willing to take your child for 3 short hours so you can reconnect with your DH. Do you know how many of us would LOVE that? I don't love my ILs either, but you know how thrilled I would be if they lived closer so I can drop off my child with them and go one a date with my DH. She isn't asking you to hang out with her. I don't see what the big deal about 3 hours is. Your kid is going to spend time with someone that loves them, and you get a night out.

Do you realize how much it sucks to not have any family in town to help you out???? Let's just say it sucks!

If you don't want to spend time your DH, then that's one thing, but if you do, suck it up!

We have absolutely no family anywhere near us. It does suck. I wish we did, and I'm jealous of people who do. Even so, I don't think OP is off base here at all.

If MIL is truly incompetent, a whole lot can happen in three hours. If you read OP's post, it isn't about whether she likes MIL, so your point that "she isn't asking you [OP] to hang out with her" is irrelevant. That's not the issue.

OP, I think you have to decide what your "dealbreakers" are and discuss them honestly with MIL. In a perfect world, your DH would deal with his mother. Easy for PP's to say. I am in a situation similar to yours. I'm a big girl, and so is MIL. If we have issues, we address them directly. I don't need my DH to communicate on my behalf. Sometimes she really hears me, sometimes she doesn't, and vice versa.

One uncomfortable honest discussion could save you a lot of anxiety and drama moving forward. Be specific about the things that make you nervous.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I probably do need to light up on some level, but as another PP noted, I'm partially annoyed because it IS a passive-aggressive way to get what she wants.

Apart from flat-out refusing to follow "my crazy FTM rules" (put him on his back to sleep, always use the car seat in the car *and* do up the buckles, no giving sugar to the baby as a treat, etc.), she does have some physical limitations and memory issues.

She's almost dropped him quite a few times and usually tries to cover it by saying that he's really wiggly or heavy or strong for her (he's 14lbs, not huge), yet then she tries to lift him up above her head to play "airplane." She's extremely iffy on the stairs and leans heavily on the handrail to get up and down.

She can't remember how to spell his name (it's 4 letters, not difficult), or his birthday, or how old he is. She can't remember if she fed or walked her dog that day, frequently forgets to close and lock the door to her house, often has no idea what day it is, etc.

Anyway, I like the idea of leaving DH with her and going to the ballet with a girlfriend. Or just explaining we're not ready to leave him yet and suggest she use the tickets. The thing is, I see these issues getting worse, not better over time (though he will get to be less work once he can walk, dress himself, etc.), so I'm not sure I will really ever feel comfortable with her babysitting him.

yikes. I usually side with in-laws on these types of posts, but given this description, I agree that she should not babysit. But you need to tell her what's up instead of just putting her off. She obviously is not getting the message. My DH has an aunt that helped care for him as a baby, and was over-the-top excited to babysit when our daughter was born (she's 3 now). We did not want to insult her, but she also had physical and mental limitations. We solved the issue by hiring a "real" babysitter, and then asking Aunt to come over and help keep an eye on things. The babysitter, who was a close friend, knew about the issue and made sure DD was safe, but I think it made DH's aunt feel like she was very invovled, and that we respected her as a caregiver. But we also made sure to never leave her alone with the baby.

For this round, OP, if you do not want to have this family fight (it's coming, though... you need to get it out there) I vote DH stays home and you go with a friend.

15:39 here. I missed OP's response when she first posted it.
NO. No, no, no, no, no. This woman cannot babysit. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I probably do need to light up on some level, but as another PP noted, I'm partially annoyed because it IS a passive-aggressive way to get what she wants.

Apart from flat-out refusing to follow "my crazy FTM rules" (put him on his back to sleep, always use the car seat in the car *and* do up the buckles, no giving sugar to the baby as a treat, etc.), she does have some physical limitations and memory issues.

She's almost dropped him quite a few times and usually tries to cover it by saying that he's really wiggly or heavy or strong for her (he's 14lbs, not huge), yet then she tries to lift him up above her head to play "airplane." She's extremely iffy on the stairs and leans heavily on the handrail to get up and down.

She can't remember how to spell his name (it's 4 letters, not difficult), or his birthday, or how old he is. She can't remember if she fed or walked her dog that day, frequently forgets to close and lock the door to her house, often has no idea what day it is, etc.

Anyway, I like the idea of leaving DH with her and going to the ballet with a girlfriend. Or just explaining we're not ready to leave him yet and suggest she use the tickets. The thing is, I see these issues getting worse, not better over time (though he will get to be less work once he can walk, dress himself, etc.), so I'm not sure I will really ever feel comfortable with her babysitting him.

The PPs calling OP ungrateful need to read the above. MIL is clearly on the road to senility or dementia, and is apparently less-than-capable physically as well. OP, don't feel bad for one second about not letting her take care of your child by herself, and don't give in to this ridiculous passive-aggressive ploy of hers. She can spend all the time with your son that she likes, as long as you or your DH is present.

[Anonymous]

It is a waste of time for DH to argue with his mother. He should tell her what the deal is and then end the conversation. No entertaining arguments.

[Anonymous]

it's time to just say you won't leave your child alone with her, ever. Sit patiently with her and allow her to be angry. Find a mantra to repeat.

[Anonymous]

PP here: It is difficult to reason with MILs in this state of mind. And very painful for DH, who sees his mother getting much older, feebler. It is sad for him. A little sit down talk may not accomplish the objective. Now I remember we also had our real babysitter come over and help with DH could not be there. It was a tough situation. The dementia/lack of coordination was much farther along than we realized. We were tired and it was our first baby. I would never have left my baby with MIL alone.

[Anonymous]

^^I mean I never did leave the baby...alone with her.

[Anonymous]

Let her babysit - have a neighbor drop by to 'return a cassorole dish' so that someone is checking up on her and can report back to you