Ballet tickets, MIL, and babysitting

[Anonymous]

MIL has been itching to babysit our son since he was born (he's 5months now). She has offered to babysit many times, but we always politely thank her and decline a) because we don't need her to and b) neither of us really trust her with our son (senility, unwillingness to follow our parenting style ["I'm the Grandma, I don't have to follow any rules!!"], dismissal of the importance of things like back to sleep and car seats, not admitting to her own physical limitations, increasingly poor driver, etc.).

Now, she's bought us tickets to the ballet (which she knows I love) so that "we have to let her babysit." If I say the date doesn't work for us, she will only reschedule. She is adamant.

I know I need to stand my ground on this one, but how to do so politely? DH stands behind me on this but generally doesn't involve himself in family politics because he's genuinely very busy (company startup) and he sees arguing with his mother as a never-ending waste of time. So, it's up to me to deal with her, for the most part.

Suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Let her babysit. It's for three hours.

[Anonymous]

What time is the ballet? Could she babysit after bedtime, when many of those issues (i.e. carseats) arent relevant?

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to deal with his mother. That said, if the ballet is in the evening, and the baby is in bed, then you don't really have to worry about things like driving and car seats. But you really do need to stand your ground when it comes to real concerns about your child's safety, politeness be damned.

[Anonymous]

You either have to sit down and tell her why you won't let her babysit, or find a way to let her do it.

If you tell her why, it will insult her, and probably cause a big family fight. If you don't want her to babysit ever, though, then you have to do it.

And I don't care how busy your DH is; either he agrees with you and helps you deal with his mother, or he doesn't agree with you and is refusing to get involved because he doesn't really care what the baby eats for dinner.

How about another tactic? Can you go to her, tell her you're a neurotic mom (put it on you) and say that only way you'll agree to lether sit is if she follows rules a,b, anc c to the letter? Maybe she'll see it as worth it to follow your "crazy" rules to get to do this.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the person to deal with your MIL should be your DH.

But, basically -- if you don't trust her to baby-sit, you shouldn't let her baby-sit.

Maybe you can tell her "No, thank you, but we'd rather not go." Don't go into reasons. Don't engage with her reasons. Just keep repeating, politely, with a pleasant smile, "No, thank you, but we'd rather not go", until you can't stand it anymore, and then say, politely, that you need to go now/would like to change the subject/whatever, to make it clear that the conversation is over.

She won't be happy, but would you rather have an unhappy MIL or a MIL you don't trust baby-sitting your baby?

[Anonymous]

Your DH stays with the kid, you take a friend to the ballet. Be over-the-top thankful to MIL -- "I so needed some time to reconnect with my girlfriend!"

[Anonymous]

Is she really senile or just annoying? Take the tickets and leave DH home with her and the baby. Bring or don't bring a friend. If you go alone at least you will have a private seat .

[Anonymous]

If it's senility, then you can't do anything but disallow her as primary caregiver. If it falls short of senility, give her a trial run and let her know that's what it is. "MIL, we'd love for you to care for DC from time to time, but so far you have rejected many of our parenting and safety measures. If you're willing to reconsider and follow the house rules, we can leave DC with you. But until then, we need to use a babysitter we can trust to follow through with our instructions." And then let her choose. If she agrees, try a shorter outing first. Maybe dinner out near your home. If that goes well, then the ballet.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but you need to be grateful!

Your MIL wants to babysit. You have someone who loves your child that is willing to take your child for 3 short hours so you can reconnect with your DH. Do you know how many of us would LOVE that? I don't love my ILs either, but you know how thrilled I would be if they lived closer so I can drop off my child with them and go one a date with my DH. She isn't asking you to hang out with her. I don't see what the big deal about 3 hours is. Your kid is going to spend time with someone that loves them, and you get a night out.

Do you realize how much it sucks to not have any family in town to help you out???? Let's just say it sucks!

If you don't want to spend time your DH, then that's one thing, but if you do, suck it up!

[Anonymous]

Lighten up, OP. it's 3 hours. Unless she really is off the deep end mentally or physically, your kid will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband needs to deal with his mother. That said, if the ballet is in the evening, and the baby is in bed, then you don't really have to worry about things like driving and car seats. But you really do need to stand your ground when it comes to real concerns about your child's safety, politeness be damned.

This is really all there is to be said. Well put.

[Anonymous]

Can another family member come over, say a teenager cousin that is responsible? Then the two of them can babysit together?

[Anonymous]

My problem with your MIL is that this is a very passive aggressive way to get what she wants. It puts you in a very uncomfortable position and forces your hand. I've found the best way to deal with passive aggressive behavior is to address it directly. I think your DH could say you understand that she wants one in kne time with dc, but you both just aren't comfortable yet. This is a problem that isn't going to go away, so you need to find a way to address her need tone alone with dc, while meeting your need for dc to be safe. Perhaps she could doplaytime with dc alone in your backyard or something. I think you can deal with this in a loving way that doesn't hurt her feelings.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. Let her do a test run while you're somewhere around. But I wouldn't take the tickets, since that will signal to her that if she's craft enough she can passively-aggressively get one over on you. And who cares if your husband is busy? It's his mom and the message needs to come from him or at least from you both as a united front.