Ballet tickets, MIL, and babysitting

[Anonymous]

"As we said, we're really not comfortable having you babysit due to the fact that you have physical limitations you're in denial of so you don't have strategies to work around them, plus the fact that you refuse to care for our baby the way we'd like him cared for. So thank you for your offer to babysit, but we have to decline. If you feel the need to take back the ballet tickets, we'll understand."

You could offer up that you and she go together and DH will stay home with the baby.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a troll post.

[Anonymous]

I think accepting the tickets and letting her babysit, even if you can rationalize it, sets a very bad precedent. What are you going to do when she buys you nonrefundable plane tickets to Hawaii and tells you she'll watch your baby for a week?

[Anonymous]

I would sit down with her and DH and tell her how much X, Y, Z rules matter to you.
If you want the rules followed, shorten that list as much as you can!!!

Then do a trial run of letting her watch Baby for an hour when he's awake and needs to be changed, fed and carried. DH can be there unobstrusively in the background.

Then go to the Ballet.

Caveat: if she lacks the strength to hold Baby, if she has balance problems, if she can't see properly, if she has judgement lapses, then of course use those as excuses to refuse.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. I probably do need to light up on some level, but as another PP noted, I'm partially annoyed because it IS a passive-aggressive way to get what she wants.

Apart from flat-out refusing to follow "my crazy FTM rules" (put him on his back to sleep, always use the car seat in the car *and* do up the buckles, no giving sugar to the baby as a treat, etc.), she does have some physical limitations and memory issues.

She's almost dropped him quite a few times and usually tries to cover it by saying that he's really wiggly or heavy or strong for her (he's 14lbs, not huge), yet then she tries to lift him up above her head to play "airplane." She's extremely iffy on the stairs and leans heavily on the handrail to get up and down.

She can't remember how to spell his name (it's 4 letters, not difficult), or his birthday, or how old he is. She can't remember if she fed or walked her dog that day, frequently forgets to close and lock the door to her house, often has no idea what day it is, etc.

Anyway, I like the idea of leaving DH with her and going to the ballet with a girlfriend. Or just explaining we're not ready to leave him yet and suggest she use the tickets. The thing is, I see these issues getting worse, not better over time (though he will get to be less work once he can walk, dress himself, etc.), so I'm not sure I will really ever feel comfortable with her babysitting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that the person to deal with your MIL should be your DH.

But, basically -- if you don't trust her to baby-sit, you shouldn't let her baby-sit.

Maybe you can tell her "No, thank you, but we'd rather not go." Don't go into reasons. Don't engage with her reasons. Just keep repeating, politely, with a pleasant smile, "No, thank you, but we'd rather not go", until you can't stand it anymore, and then say, politely, that you need to go now/would like to change the subject/whatever, to make it clear that the conversation is over.

She won't be happy, but would you rather have an unhappy MIL or a MIL you don't trust baby-sitting your baby?

Pretty much this. And if you are not ready to leave your baby yet, that is ok too.

[Anonymous]

OP, reading your update, there's no way I would leave a baby alone with her, even for a few minutes. Letting DH stay with her and going with a girlfriend would be a kind thing to do, but not if you feel pressured and not if you think DH would leave the baby alone with her.

Start speaking up: "MIL, no playing airplane. You are too wobbly." I have had to do this with my dad.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, that update is scary. You have plenty of reasons to not leave your baby with her. You just have to make it clear to her that it's not going to happen.

Also, to address one of the PPs -- grandma may have a "need" to be alone with the kid but there's no reason OP should give into it, whether Gma is stable/sane/healthy or not. No one is entitled to alone time with a kid except the parents. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I probably do need to light up on some level, but as another PP noted, I'm partially annoyed because it IS a passive-aggressive way to get what she wants.

Apart from flat-out refusing to follow "my crazy FTM rules" (put him on his back to sleep, always use the car seat in the car *and* do up the buckles, no giving sugar to the baby as a treat, etc.), she does have some physical limitations and memory issues.

She's almost dropped him quite a few times and usually tries to cover it by saying that he's really wiggly or heavy or strong for her (he's 14lbs, not huge), yet then she tries to lift him up above her head to play "airplane." She's extremely iffy on the stairs and leans heavily on the handrail to get up and down.

She can't remember how to spell his name (it's 4 letters, not difficult), or his birthday, or how old he is. She can't remember if she fed or walked her dog that day, frequently forgets to close and lock the door to her house, often has no idea what day it is, etc.

Anyway, I like the idea of leaving DH with her and going to the ballet with a girlfriend. Or just explaining we're not ready to leave him yet and suggest she use the tickets. The thing is, I see these issues getting worse, not better over time (though he will get to be less work once he can walk, dress himself, etc.), so I'm not sure I will really ever feel comfortable with her babysitting him.

Given that information about her physical and mental limitations, and her refusal to follow basic safety instructions, I wouldn't let her babysit. Carseats are simply non-negotiable, IMO, and if there was an emergency, her inability to remember basic information could be a serious problem.

[Anonymous]

Does your DH have any other family around? If there is anyone Gma knows (SIL, cousin, niece, whatever) have them come too to "help" babysit. Thank MIL a lot, go to the ballet, just make sure she isn't alone.
'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I probably do need to light up on some level, but as another PP noted, I'm partially annoyed because it IS a passive-aggressive way to get what she wants.

Apart from flat-out refusing to follow "my crazy FTM rules" (put him on his back to sleep, always use the car seat in the car *and* do up the buckles, no giving sugar to the baby as a treat, etc.), she does have some physical limitations and memory issues.

She's almost dropped him quite a few times and usually tries to cover it by saying that he's really wiggly or heavy or strong for her (he's 14lbs, not huge), yet then she tries to lift him up above her head to play "airplane." She's extremely iffy on the stairs and leans heavily on the handrail to get up and down.

She can't remember how to spell his name (it's 4 letters, not difficult), or his birthday, or how old he is. She can't remember if she fed or walked her dog that day, frequently forgets to close and lock the door to her house, often has no idea what day it is, etc.

Anyway, I like the idea of leaving DH with her and going to the ballet with a girlfriend. Or just explaining we're not ready to leave him yet and suggest she use the tickets. The thing is, I see these issues getting worse, not better over time (though he will get to be less work once he can walk, dress himself, etc.), so I'm not sure I will really ever feel comfortable with her babysitting him.

There's absolutely no way I would let her babysit by herself. This goes well beyond merely having a MIL that doesn't want to abide by your rules. This is clearly someone who should not be left alone with an infant. I mean, what if she wants to give him a bath and then walks away because she forgot to grab a towel beforehand? Or she wants to carry him up and down the stairs even though she herself struggles with them.

This is a no-brainer to me. You shouldn't feel bad at all and anyone who tells you to "lighten up" because it's "just 3 hours" is welcome to leave THEIR children in her care.

What if you invited her over to your house to "babysit" so you can get "things around the house" done. You could make it a really big deal. Call her up and say, "Oh my gosh, I have SO much I need to get done around the house and I just can't do it if I don't have someone to watch DS. Can you come over to babysit for him so I can reorganize my pantry/clean my closet/re-caulk my shower. I would appreciate it SO much." And then keep an eye on her. Let the small stuff slide so she doesn't feel monitored but be present enough in case things get dicey.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but you need to be grateful!

Your MIL wants to babysit. You have someone who loves your child that is willing to take your child for 3 short hours so you can reconnect with your DH. Do you know how many of us would LOVE that? I don't love my ILs either, but you know how thrilled I would be if they lived closer so I can drop off my child with them and go one a date with my DH. She isn't asking you to hang out with her. I don't see what the big deal about 3 hours is. Your kid is going to spend time with someone that loves them, and you get a night out.

Do you realize how much it sucks to not have any family in town to help you out???? Let's just say it sucks!

If you don't want to spend time your DH, then that's one thing, but if you do, suck it up!

The fact that it sucks not to have your IL's around here doesn't make her MIL safe to take care of a child alone. OP doesn't suffer from ingratitude (necessarily); if her MIL truly is senile and stubborn, she cannot take care of a child alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I probably do need to light up on some level, but as another PP noted, I'm partially annoyed because it IS a passive-aggressive way to get what she wants.

Apart from flat-out refusing to follow "my crazy FTM rules" (put him on his back to sleep, always use the car seat in the car *and* do up the buckles, no giving sugar to the baby as a treat, etc.), she does have some physical limitations and memory issues.

She's almost dropped him quite a few times and usually tries to cover it by saying that he's really wiggly or heavy or strong for her (he's 14lbs, not huge), yet then she tries to lift him up above her head to play "airplane." She's extremely iffy on the stairs and leans heavily on the handrail to get up and down.

She can't remember how to spell his name (it's 4 letters, not difficult), or his birthday, or how old he is. She can't remember if she fed or walked her dog that day, frequently forgets to close and lock the door to her house, often has no idea what day it is, etc.

Anyway, I like the idea of leaving DH with her and going to the ballet with a girlfriend. Or just explaining we're not ready to leave him yet and suggest she use the tickets. The thing is, I see these issues getting worse, not better over time (though he will get to be less work once he can walk, dress himself, etc.), so I'm not sure I will really ever feel comfortable with her babysitting him.

OP, your DH and you need to sit down and have a talk with his mom about being evaluated neurologically. This is not an issue of you being a persnickety FTM. If she followed your rules for car seats, food, and back to sleep, she'd still be physically frail and have major cognitive deficits. You don't know what she might forget when she is alone with your child.

You're right that it's going to get worse, that is, if she has Alzheimer's or another degenerative disease. Even when your son can dress and feed himself, she can't be a babysitter. That doesn't mean that she can't have "grandma time" with him and form her own relationship - this is what she probably really wants most right now. But the bigger issue is that someone needs to have a conversation with her about her declining health. These are TOUGH conversations but it is dangerous to put them off.

Your DH can't let himself off the hook for this. It's his mom. No few hours of working are worth not having this conversation with her.

[Anonymous]

IF she is senile, it isn't going to get better, only worse. You might as well have the big family fight now and just say no babysitting.

If she is senile, then she shouldn't be driving anyone, anywhere, including herself.

And if she is senile, then I really don't understand why any of her points of view would bother you. If she is cognitively impaired, then she isn't thinking clearly and there is no point in getting upset at an opinion that is rooted in senility.

[Anonymous]

My MIL had some dementia issues. We could not let her babysit. Part of the dementia was insisiting on doing it. She would grab the baby and jump up and down, and stumble all around the place "proving she could do it" I thought I was going to have a heart attack. Finally she got very mad and said we were ungrateful and would never babysit for us ungrateful persons. (Thank you!) It was just scary watching her with the baby. Sometimes it happens. You will not forgive yourself for giving in if something happens.