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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I appreciate all of the responses! Some answers- my BIL makes more than my husband, but our HHI is higher because I work. SIL stopped working when she was pregnant with  #1 10 years ago because it was too hard to work and be pregnant at the same time, and she will never work again, her kids are in school full time now. I don't have an issue with that at all and I don't want to be a SAHM. I like my profession. I enjoy having her kids play with mine and think it's important to spend holidays and vacations together, so I don't have issue with that at all and my children don't know we pay for them nor do theirs. I have an issue with the guilt and whining she pulls on my husband about how they have no $$ all the time, yet she's shopping at Nordstroms and they eat out all the time, etc. She makes herself sound so destitute that my husband sends her flowers for Valentine's Day, spa treatments for Mother's Day and "just because" sometimes because it's so hard taking care of three kids. I'm sure it is, I only have two and it's hard. I have always wondered how this makes my BIL feel (who is incredibly kind). My MIL/FIL enable this too, making comments to my husband about how one income with three kids is scraping by (which I disagree). I just feel like we are supplementing their lifestyle because my husband feels guilty for the choices THEY made.

[b]I need to focus my discussion with him not on them, but how we as a household are spending. If we are going to fund vacations for family members, we should discuss it and budget for it. I'd love to pay for my brother and his family to go on vacation with us! We as a couple need to have a joint financial strategy for our household, something we should have done before we got married. We need to have an understanding, especially at a certain $ amount like some of you have suggested. [/b]

[/quote]

This is exactly right.  You and your husband need to be making these kind of spending decisions jointly.  The issue is not that he gives money to his sister, its that he gives money to his sister without getting your buy in first.  You might jointly decide that it is worth spending money on a joint vacation so that the whole family can be together, but this should be something that is discussed, planned out, and balanced against other family needs.  And, it is not unreasonable for you to expect that extra money be spent equally on both of your families if that is going to be a family priority. [/quote]

It doesn't sound like they ever had a joint financial or family money - they each had their own money and paid certain set things. If that is the case then the husband and OP can spend their own money on whatever they want once their own family responsibilities are accounted for. If he wants to spend 100% of his discretionary income on his sister, then he should be able to. until they have an 'our' money rather than 'mine and yours' money, the husband's money is his to spend.[/quote]

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