Do you remember death anniversaries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I divorced my ex because he didn't remember the first anniversary of my brother's death. It was a very big deal to me, heck the whole year was horrible. The fact that he didn't remember just cemented the fact that we just weren't on the same page for what's important.
So, I don't think that you are being too sensitive at all.
My DH is very in tune to this stuff and gives me tons of support around my brother's birthday and death anniversary.

I find it a little strange this was the reason you divorced your first spouse.

[Anonymous]

People are wired differently. Some people are very emotionally attached to symbolic things like dates, and others don't give a hoot. It doesn't mean they loved the person any less, it just means that they're not the kind of person who fixates on the date to feel happy or sad. I some cases each kind of person really doesn't get why the other kind behaves the way they do. If you understand/subscribe to the Myers-Briggs personality factors, it's usually a split between the strong Fs amd the strong Ts. (feelers/thinkers)

I remember this from my days when I was TTC. I was on a board forum that had a section for people who had suffered miscarriages/stillbirths. I had had a fairly late miscarriage, but even during the worst parts, I never felt the need to,do things like name an angel baby, plant a tree, fixate on my due date, etc. These were not helpful to me, and while I intellectually understood why it would be for other people, emotionally I dont get it. I remembered, barely, some of the dates/pointers the first year (not enough to fixate on it), but by the second year, I didn't remember at all. Yet on these boards were posts by people who were five years in and they still lived all the dates. They were angry at people around them who weren't remembering the dates and the events in the same immediacy they were.

So don't feel bad that you remember, but try not to view it as a character flaw that others don't ascribe the same level of importance to dates that you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I divorced my ex because he didn't remember the first anniversary of my brother's death. It was a very big deal to me, heck the whole year was horrible. The fact that he didn't remember just cemented the fact that we just weren't on the same page for what's important.
So, I don't think that you are being too sensitive at all.
My DH is very in tune to this stuff and gives me tons of support around my brother's birthday and death anniversary.

I find it a little strange this was the reason you divorced your first spouse.

It wasn't the only reason, but it was the "ah ha" moment that made me realize we were over. Life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who lost parents suddenly, I'm really sorry for your losses. This is totally hijacking the thread, but I lost my only sibling 4 months ago, out of NOWHERE (we had lunch the day before!) and I am having a really hard time. I also had a parent die after a long illness and the difference between the two experiences is huge. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that the loss has actually occurred- it doesn't feel real. I keep replaying the events in my head, etc, it's really bad. Anyway, since there seem to be a lot of you on here, I was just wondering if you have any tips or how long it took you to start to get to a good place again?

I'm so sorry PP. It's such a crappy club to be in. My brother has been gone almost a dozen years. Just writing that makes me think that it's not even possible. How can that be? I too replayed the (horribly tragic) events over and over in my head. I couldn't think of anything else. The first time an hour passed that I didn't think of him, I felt so guilty.
I ended up going to grief counseling, and I was diagnosed with PTSD. I used that hour each week to talk and cry about my brother. After awhile, I found that people move on with their lives, but I still wanted to talk about everything that happened. Therapy was great for that.
Really, time is the only thing that makes it "better". Lots of time. I still think of my brother daily, but I can look at a picture of him and not burst into tears. I can remember the good times, and they make me smile. I still cry sometimes (every 2 weeks?), but for much, much briefer periods. It's not that gut wrenching PAIN anymore.
Just last week, I was driving, and the thought popped into my head that I want to call him and say hi. It caught me off guard. So, I suppose that thinking that it didn't really happen is some sort of coping mechanism.
For me, talking about my brother and my memories of him helped a lot. Do you know any of his friends who could tell you stories of just normal/funny stuff he did? I liked hearing about a side of him that was different.
Four months is still so early. Allow yourself to grieve as much as you can.
Another thing that helped me was to pick a song that was a favorite of my brothers. Whenever I'm in a tough spot in life or just need a pick me up, I'm amazed at how I'll hear that song just when I need it. Pay attention to things like that. It helps me to feel like he's still "with me" even though he's gone.
I hope that you find peace soon.

[Anonymous]

I only remember the traumatic ones.

I remember the birthdays of other lost loved ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad died 2 years ago and yes, I remember the date of his death and his birthday, and so does my husband. I would be devastated if my husband did not remember these dates and give me support as I dealt with the emotions that inevitably come up. I think it's a little different for us, because we together watched my father battle and succumb to his illness, and the whole experience is something that is seared into our memories. I understand that with people one has never met, it might be harder to remember, and especially if it was a long time ago.

Also, OP, I just wanted to say I hear you and I know how tough it is. Hugs.

Hugs to you, poster. I could have written this post almost exactly, except I lost my dad 3 years ago. DH was close to my dad and we discuss the upcoming "anniversaries" before they happen. He knows it is wrenching and is painful for us all. (My dad also battled and succumbed to an illness: blood cancer.)

Thank you, and a big hug, PP. I also lost my dad to cancer, so it seems we really did have a very similar experience.

OP, I think it's great that you've decided to talk with your DH about this again. Maybe you could try giving him a reminder a few days beforehand, which would help him prepare for your difficulties over the coming days. Something like, "Wow, I know this is going to be a tough week because this is the anniversary..." To me, it would be less about actually remembering and more about showing compassion and support during the event. This would give him a better opportunity to really come through with the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thank you all for your comments. I discussed this topic with dh the first year of our marriage and maybe mentioned it during the second year. But he still never remembers. We'll be married 10 years soon. He does have add and nothing in his life is very organized. He doesn't remember trash days, bill due dates, etc.

I know he loves me and he never forgets my birthday or our wedding anniversary...just this date.

I also don't show sad emotions in front of anyone generally, so he won't see me very upset or crying. I guess this doesn't help.

I might try to talk with him one more time.

I think you have to let this go. Either put it in his calendar as a recurring event or just tell him a few days in advance.

I am a "grief date" person, but the reaction varies. Usually I find myself just feeling awful, then I look at the calendar and realize why. I usually tell DH, he sympathizes, and we move on. He lets me have some time to myself if I need it or extra hugs.

[Anonymous]

My spouse has never had a parent die, so I have nothing to remember. He certainly doesn't remember the death anniversaries important to me.

[Anonymous]

My DH doesn't, but I also don't really mourn on the particular dates. I mourn in moments when something will trigger a memory, and he is always very supportive during those.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the person.

Me- I don't rememeber the dates a loved one died, but then I've never had anyone close to me die from anything especially tragic.

My DH lost a parent very tragically at a fairly young age. And grieves a bit each year on the anniversary. And I am completley sympathetic and remember the date- b/c it is important to him.

I think you need to communicate to DH what it is you need from him.

[Anonymous]

I do remember death anniversaries. My dh doesn't remember them. It doesn't bother me because like your husband he hasn't been through and may never feel like I do when he does go through it. Grief is personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those who lost parents suddenly, I'm really sorry for your losses. This is totally hijacking the thread, but I lost my only sibling 4 months ago, out of NOWHERE (we had lunch the day before!) and I am having a really hard time. I also had a parent die after a long illness and the difference between the two experiences is huge. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that the loss has actually occurred- it doesn't feel real. I keep replaying the events in my head, etc, it's really bad. Anyway, since there seem to be a lot of you on here, I was just wondering if you have any tips or how long it took you to start to get to a good place again?

I'm so sorry PP. It's such a crappy club to be in. My brother has been gone almost a dozen years. Just writing that makes me think that it's not even possible. How can that be? I too replayed the (horribly tragic) events over and over in my head. I couldn't think of anything else. The first time an hour passed that I didn't think of him, I felt so guilty.
I ended up going to grief counseling, and I was diagnosed with PTSD. I used that hour each week to talk and cry about my brother. After awhile, I found that people move on with their lives, but I still wanted to talk about everything that happened. Therapy was great for that.
Really, time is the only thing that makes it "better". Lots of time. I still think of my brother daily, but I can look at a picture of him and not burst into tears. I can remember the good times, and they make me smile. I still cry sometimes (every 2 weeks?), but for much, much briefer periods. It's not that gut wrenching PAIN anymore.
Just last week, I was driving, and the thought popped into my head that I want to call him and say hi. It caught me off guard. So, I suppose that thinking that it didn't really happen is some sort of coping mechanism.
For me, talking about my brother and my memories of him helped a lot. Do you know any of his friends who could tell you stories of just normal/funny stuff he did? I liked hearing about a side of him that was different.
Four months is still so early. Allow yourself to grieve as much as you can.
Another thing that helped me was to pick a song that was a favorite of my brothers. Whenever I'm in a tough spot in life or just need a pick me up, I'm amazed at how I'll hear that song just when I need it. Pay attention to things like that. It helps me to feel like he's still "with me" even though he's gone.
I hope that you find peace soon.

Thank you for this. I too, lost a sibling (my twin). I am struggling, and wonder if there is PTSD issues. My functioning is hampered, and I am not doing well. I appreciate what you offered here. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

We have a calendar with birthdays and death anniversaries for both a family. This really helps keep us on the same page. My mom died very near Mother's day so my DH remembers that as opposed to the actual date. Maybe that would be helpful for DH?
I also wouldn't feel bad about continuing to talk to him/remind him about it in the future. This was a huge thing in your life and I'm sure he'd like to give you an extra hug or bring home flowers or light a candle to help you grieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember the exact date of my MILs death...I don't think my Dh even knows it.

Yup, I'm in a similar situation. My FIL died when DH was 19, and I never met him. But I know the date he died, and I always send a card to my MIL. DH doesn't usually remember the date, but he knows it was around the middle of June.