Do you remember death anniversaries?

[Anonymous]

That are important to your spouse?

My parents died suddenly and I always get sad on the anniversary of their death. I was younger when it happened but since it was so sudden it was pretty traumatic.

My dh doesn't get it. He has never lost a parent and I just wish he would at least try to remember. He doesn't have to say or do anything special but just knowing that he cared enough maybe be a little extra loving would be nice.

He didn't know them so I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much here.

What say you? Am I just being to sensitive?

[Anonymous]

I divorced my ex because he didn't remember the first anniversary of my brother's death. It was a very big deal to me, heck the whole year was horrible. The fact that he didn't remember just cemented the fact that we just weren't on the same page for what's important.
So, I don't think that you are being too sensitive at all.
My DH is very in tune to this stuff and gives me tons of support around my brother's birthday and death anniversary.

[Anonymous]

I remember the exact date of my MILs death...I don't think my Dh even knows it.

[Anonymous]

I keep track of my SO's important dates and he does for me. Sometimes it's an extra hug or dinner or flowers, and it means a lot.

[Anonymous]

yes, i remember anniversaries of the people who are important to me, but i don't expect my husband to remember them. on the other hand, i tend to remind him so he's prepared for the sadness.

[Anonymous]

I get sad on the anniversary of my mom's unexpected death, her birthday, too. My husband knows it. He hasn't lost a parent, so probably doesn't completely understand, but I don't fully understand some of the stuff he's been through. But he remembers the dates and is sensitive to the fact that I am sensitive to it.

It's been a little while now, so things are less raw, but I do appreciate an extra hug and acknowledgement of the day. It makes me feel less alone. He knew my mom well, so it feels like a shared, but unequal, burden. But even if he hadn't known her, I'd hope for some recognition that it is a hard time.

I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I do think you are being too sensitive, but I'm not you. Have you told him any of this? What was his reaction?

I think, aside from the fact that maybe he's just not good with remembering dates, it's really, really hard for someone who hasn't lost a parent to fully "get it" until it happens to them. I lost my dad 10 years ago this year, and I think about him every day. I'm certain my husband, who was super supportive through it all, would not remember but for the fact that he died on Christmas. I'm confident he couldn't tell you my mom's birthday, and he adores her. Some people just aren't built that way.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

How does he remember their birthdays? We have a birthdays and anniversaries calendar that also has important family deaths on it.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. I lost my parents suddenly too (not together) and I remember the days like the days it happened. So sorry for your loss..

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're being overly sensitive.

I would discuss it with your husband and maybe even visit a grief counselor.

I used to be a hospice volunteer and that's one of the things they talked about in the training. Surviving family members often got sad around birthdays, holidays, anniversary of the death.

[Anonymous]

DD doesn't remember the date her father died suddenly when she was 15.

I have to think for a few moments to remember the exact date.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for your loss, OP. A lot of people experience this. (I'm a physician, and in med school they described this as 'anniversary reactions'). They can be very difficult, because they can seem to come out of nowhere.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/grief/MH00036

My family is Chinese, and doing something to honor a lost loved one on their death anniversary is an important tradition. My father died suddenly 6 years ago. We have a church service in his honor and go to the cemetery on his death anniversary. It helps to be able to grieve together, since his loss still is painful.

OP, maybe you can create a tradition on your parents' death anniversary, where you meditate and remember them. It is an important date, and hopefully you can introduce some healing as you continue to grieve. You could put the date on the family calendar to help DH remember.

[Anonymous]

My dad died 2 years ago and yes, I remember the date of his death and his birthday, and so does my husband. I would be devastated if my husband did not remember these dates and give me support as I dealt with the emotions that inevitably come up. I think it's a little different for us, because we together watched my father battle and succumb to his illness, and the whole experience is something that is seared into our memories. I understand that with people one has never met, it might be harder to remember, and especially if it was a long time ago.

Also, OP, I just wanted to say I hear you and I know how tough it is. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I think you are asking too much. I lost both of my parents very suddenly. I am sad around the anniversaries of their deaths and their birthdays, but I don't expect my husband to keep track of those dates. He knew both of them and had a great relationship with my dad, but they are not his parents. He is supportive when I talk about being sad about their deaths. That is enough.

[Anonymous]

My father died 30+ yrs ago. I can't remember the exact date but remember the month.

My mother died 15+ yrs ago. I can't remember the exact date but remember the month.

I don't expect anyone else not in my family to even recall the months and even maybe not that.