Do you remember death anniversaries?

[Anonymous]

I don't think remembering the dates is necessary, so long as he is supportive once reminded. I remember losing a lot of respect for my (now ex) step-dad when on the first anniversary of my (maternal) grandmother's death he told my mom to "just get over it already".

[Anonymous]

my brother died in 1981 (auto accident) and I never forget it, mid-late July has never been the same to me since...

my grandfather died 10 days later...

my father died on Valentine's Day 2010, it, too, will never be the same...

hell, yes, I remember.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad died 2 years ago and yes, I remember the date of his death and his birthday, and so does my husband. I would be devastated if my husband did not remember these dates and give me support as I dealt with the emotions that inevitably come up. I think it's a little different for us, because we together watched my father battle and succumb to his illness, and the whole experience is something that is seared into our memories. I understand that with people one has never met, it might be harder to remember, and especially if it was a long time ago.

Also, OP, I just wanted to say I hear you and I know how tough it is. Hugs.

Hugs to you, poster. I could have written this post almost exactly, except I lost my dad 3 years ago. DH was close to my dad and we discuss the upcoming "anniversaries" before they happen. He knows it is wrenching and is painful for us all. (My dad also battled and succumbed to an illness: blood cancer.)

[Anonymous]

I know the date when my dad died. I know the month my FIL died but not the day.

[Anonymous]

i think it depends. i would just talk to him about you feel. speak openly but without judgement because i am sure he isnt doing this purposefully and would def be more sympathetic if he knows how you feel.
also i think its harder for someone to remember something they werent around for. so if he was with you when it happened, be mindful of that.

[Anonymous]

For those who lost parents suddenly, I'm really sorry for your losses. This is totally hijacking the thread, but I lost my only sibling 4 months ago, out of NOWHERE (we had lunch the day before!) and I am having a really hard time. I also had a parent die after a long illness and the difference between the two experiences is huge. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that the loss has actually occurred- it doesn't feel real. I keep replaying the events in my head, etc, it's really bad. Anyway, since there seem to be a lot of you on here, I was just wondering if you have any tips or how long it took you to start to get to a good place again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who lost parents suddenly, I'm really sorry for your losses. This is totally hijacking the thread, but I lost my only sibling 4 months ago, out of NOWHERE (we had lunch the day before!) and I am having a really hard time. I also had a parent die after a long illness and the difference between the two experiences is huge. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that the loss has actually occurred- it doesn't feel real. I keep replaying the events in my head, etc, it's really bad. Anyway, since there seem to be a lot of you on here, I was just wondering if you have any tips or how long it took you to start to get to a good place again?

Same happened to me; I lost my brother in my 20's. I absolutely adored him and he was my big brother and always there for me. The first year was so hard and even harder because he left behind a wife, 5 yr old, and 18 mos old so you feel like it is really their loss more than yours and you need to be strong for them. I missed a lot of work for a few months but my boss was so understanding. I almost did not date my now DH because I met him only a few months later and I felt like it was wrong to be happy and/ or moving on. i knew dh was a keeper when he said " take whatever time you need; I am just happy I met you.".

It has been over 15 years but I think of him almost daily. Certain songs or things happen and I tear up. He died on good friday so I really hate the easter season and I am always weepy on his birthday. Watching his kids milestones without him is heart- wrenching even though they grew up very much loved and are happy and successful. So, the pain of the loss never goes away, but you do move on and are happy again. A big hug to you.

[Anonymous]

No, and I get very annoyed at my husband, who does. It's like we're losing days every year. If I suggest we do something fun on a certain day, he'll look shocked and offended and say "But that's the anniversary of so-and-so's death!" He refuses to be cheerful on those days. If he forgets that today is The Day, and then remembers it midday, boom, a good day is over.

And as family members die, as time goes on, the death days keep piling up.

This is the man who forgets birthdays and our wedding anniversary.

[Anonymous]

Yes, miscarriages

[Anonymous]

OP here

Thank you all for your comments. I discussed this topic with dh the first year of our marriage and maybe mentioned it during the second year. But he still never remembers. We'll be married 10 years soon. He does have add and nothing in his life is very organized. He doesn't remember trash days, bill due dates, etc.

I know he loves me and he never forgets my birthday or our wedding anniversary...just this date.

I also don't show sad emotions in front of anyone generally, so he won't see me very upset or crying. I guess this doesn't help.

I might try to talk with him one more time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who lost parents suddenly, I'm really sorry for your losses. This is totally hijacking the thread, but I lost my only sibling 4 months ago, out of NOWHERE (we had lunch the day before!) and I am having a really hard time. I also had a parent die after a long illness and the difference between the two experiences is huge. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that the loss has actually occurred- it doesn't feel real. I keep replaying the events in my head, etc, it's really bad. Anyway, since there seem to be a lot of you on here, I was just wondering if you have any tips or how long it took you to start to get to a good place again?

OP here

I'm sorry for your losses. Losing someone close to you really is life altering. I still think of my parents everyday, it's hard but I know they would want me to carry on. It takes some time but at some point you know there is nothing you can do to bring them back and the best way to honor their memory is to live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here

Thank you all for your comments. I discussed this topic with dh the first year of our marriage and maybe mentioned it during the second year. But he still never remembers. We'll be married 10 years soon. He does have add and nothing in his life is very organized. He doesn't remember trash days, bill due dates, etc.

I know he loves me and he never forgets my birthday or our wedding anniversary...just this date.

I also don't show sad emotions in front of anyone generally, so he won't see me very upset or crying. I guess this doesn't help.

I might try to talk with him one more time.

As someone with ADD, I have found that I move through emotions much quicker and that includes sadness and grief. I don't put as much emotional energy into things like death anniversaries because litterally there are so many other things that will flood through our mind on a daily basis that the anniversary just get's lost in a sea of relentless information and ideas.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.
I am an orphan as well and have lost many family members.
A spouse should remember the important dates in your life. Both of your parents? Yes, should know the dates.
You are not being overly sensitive. Only people that have lost a loved one have empathy, but it is a loss unparalleled with any other life event. Hugs to you, OP.

[Anonymous]

we're not allowed to acknowledge my father's death around my narcissist mother because he died on her birthday. Yheir marriage was not a happy one--and my brother is delusional and I am broken by all their crap. My DH is very understanding as his first wife committed suicide in the same month, although a decade earlier. August is a pretty bleak month around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those who lost parents suddenly, I'm really sorry for your losses. This is totally hijacking the thread, but I lost my only sibling 4 months ago, out of NOWHERE (we had lunch the day before!) and I am having a really hard time. I also had a parent die after a long illness and the difference between the two experiences is huge. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that the loss has actually occurred- it doesn't feel real. I keep replaying the events in my head, etc, it's really bad. Anyway, since there seem to be a lot of you on here, I was just wondering if you have any tips or how long it took you to start to get to a good place again?

I am so sorry for your loss PP. I think the only thing that takes away the shock is time, the loss will still be great but not shocking. In time I've found peace, but give yourself as long as you need to find that peace, it took me several years. Sending you and your family my thoughts.