Cheating husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I guess I'm asking for advice about this because I know that part of the deal with not leaving after being cheated on was that I am supposed to be trusting him and checking his email and being freaked out by emails like this show that I'm not keeping my part of the bargain.

I'm still stuck at this. Usually, part of the deal when there is infidelity is that the cheater needs to offer full disclosure about his activities and whereabouts, and deal with the fact that the cheated-upon spouse may have moments of deep insecurity and need reassurance, even if it is asking to see an email account. The fact that he is having personal email exchanges with a woman you have never heard of raises a red flag. Perhaps you sensed something was up which was why you checked his phone?

There is only a slightly smoking gun here, but between the tenor of the exchange and the history, it seems quite likely that your husband is either cheating or acting in appropriating and not respecting the boudaries of your marriage. GIven the history, that is worrisome. However, it is also likely that if you confront him about this vague text, you will get a boatload of denial, and he will turn the issue back onto you and your failure to "trust" him, leaving you feeling confused and upset. It will also teach him to be more vigilant, and you will end up in a terrible limbo--at some level knowing he is not being honest, but not being able to prove it.

personally, I would sit tight, and gather more evidence if possible. If indeed he is cheating, I would then quietly see a lawyer and discuss the various scenarios of divorce. Only you know can make the decision, but while its easy for people here to tell you to DTMF, we are not in your shoes. But a lawyer may be able to advise on issues of custody, support, travel. ANd of course, you have to figure out what you want, in your heart.

so sorry, OP. how old are your kids?

OP again. You described almost exactly what happened. I asked him who she was and he told me she's a colleague from the other city he goes to frequently for work. I asked to see the entire chain of emails and he acted evasive, said he'd show me later and then, when I was adamant, he dicked around on his phone for a few minutes and then showed me a chain of 6 emails that include the entire conversation and didn't have anything explicit. He had an explanation for the red shoes comment. He accused me of not trusting him (duh), being cold and spending too much time complaining about how terrible he is. I'm so tired. I have an appointment with a lawyer next week. I don't know what any of you mean about gathering more evidence; how would having proof of his affairs help me legally or personally?

For those of you who seem to think I deserve this type of treatment because I didn't leave when he first admitted cheating: I hope you're never in a situation where someone you love with all your heart and have spent years building a life with hurts and betrays you because it's a lot more complicated than it sounds on this anonymous forum. Thanks for kicking me while I'm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I guess I'm asking for advice about this because I know that part of the deal with not leaving after being cheated on was that I am supposed to be trusting him and checking his email and being freaked out by emails like this show that I'm not keeping my part of the bargain.

I'm still stuck at this. Usually, part of the deal when there is infidelity is that the cheater needs to offer full disclosure about his activities and whereabouts, and deal with the fact that the cheated-upon spouse may have moments of deep insecurity and need reassurance, even if it is asking to see an email account. The fact that he is having personal email exchanges with a woman you have never heard of raises a red flag. Perhaps you sensed something was up which was why you checked his phone?

There is only a slightly smoking gun here, but between the tenor of the exchange and the history, it seems quite likely that your husband is either cheating or acting in appropriating and not respecting the boudaries of your marriage. GIven the history, that is worrisome. However, it is also likely that if you confront him about this vague text, you will get a boatload of denial, and he will turn the issue back onto you and your failure to "trust" him, leaving you feeling confused and upset. It will also teach him to be more vigilant, and you will end up in a terrible limbo--at some level knowing he is not being honest, but not being able to prove it.

personally, I would sit tight, and gather more evidence if possible. If indeed he is cheating, I would then quietly see a lawyer and discuss the various scenarios of divorce. Only you know can make the decision, but while its easy for people here to tell you to DTMF, we are not in your shoes. But a lawyer may be able to advise on issues of custody, support, travel. ANd of course, you have to figure out what you want, in your heart.

so sorry, OP. how old are your kids?

OP again. You described almost exactly what happened. I asked him who she was and he told me she's a colleague from the other city he goes to frequently for work. I asked to see the entire chain of emails and he acted evasive, said he'd show me later and then, when I was adamant, he dicked around on his phone for a few minutes and then showed me a chain of 6 emails that include the entire conversation and didn't have anything explicit. He had an explanation for the red shoes comment. He accused me of not trusting him (duh), being cold and spending too much time complaining about how terrible he is. I'm so tired. I have an appointment with a lawyer next week. I don't know what any of you mean about gathering more evidence; how would having proof of his affairs help me legally or personally?

For those of you who seem to think I deserve this type of treatment because I didn't leave when he first admitted cheating: I hope you're never in a situation where someone you love with all your heart and have spent years building a life with hurts and betrays you because it's a lot more complicated than it sounds on this anonymous forum. Thanks for kicking me while I'm down.

OP -- just curious, what was his explanation about the red shoes?

I'm really sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

"Thanks for kicking me while I'm down."

OP - Your DH is the bad guy here, not DCUM.

Good luck with the lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Unnecessary, 16:33. But of course you know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I guess I'm asking for advice about this because I know that part of the deal with not leaving after being cheated on was that I am supposed to be trusting him and checking his email and being freaked out by emails like this show that I'm not keeping my part of the bargain.

I'm still stuck at this. Usually, part of the deal when there is infidelity is that the cheater needs to offer full disclosure about his activities and whereabouts, and deal with the fact that the cheated-upon spouse may have moments of deep insecurity and need reassurance, even if it is asking to see an email account. The fact that he is having personal email exchanges with a woman you have never heard of raises a red flag. Perhaps you sensed something was up which was why you checked his phone?

There is only a slightly smoking gun here, but between the tenor of the exchange and the history, it seems quite likely that your husband is either cheating or acting in appropriating and not respecting the boudaries of your marriage. GIven the history, that is worrisome. However, it is also likely that if you confront him about this vague text, you will get a boatload of denial, and he will turn the issue back onto you and your failure to "trust" him, leaving you feeling confused and upset. It will also teach him to be more vigilant, and you will end up in a terrible limbo--at some level knowing he is not being honest, but not being able to prove it.

personally, I would sit tight, and gather more evidence if possible. If indeed he is cheating, I would then quietly see a lawyer and discuss the various scenarios of divorce. Only you know can make the decision, but while its easy for people here to tell you to DTMF, we are not in your shoes. But a lawyer may be able to advise on issues of custody, support, travel. ANd of course, you have to figure out what you want, in your heart.

so sorry, OP. how old are your kids?

OP again. You described almost exactly what happened. I asked him who she was and he told me she's a colleague from the other city he goes to frequently for work. I asked to see the entire chain of emails and he acted evasive, said he'd show me later and then, when I was adamant, he dicked around on his phone for a few minutes and then showed me a chain of 6 emails that include the entire conversation and didn't have anything explicit. He had an explanation for the red shoes comment. He accused me of not trusting him (duh), being cold and spending too much time complaining about how terrible he is. I'm so tired. I have an appointment with a lawyer next week. I don't know what any of you mean about gathering more evidence; how would having proof of his affairs help me legally or personally?

For those of you who seem to think I deserve this type of treatment because I didn't leave when he first admitted cheating: I hope you're never in a situation where someone you love with all your heart and have spent years building a life with hurts and betrays you because it's a lot more complicated than it sounds on this anonymous forum. Thanks for kicking me while I'm down.

OP, I got the idea that as you are college sweethearts it is a very difficult solution. Add in the fact that you have kids and probably all kinds of family expectations and it is not easy to throw your hands up and walk out the door. What should you do? I have not been in your shoes but you need to protect your kids, your mental health, and your physical health. And as others have mentioned, you need legal help. None of us know if your husband is fooling around or being an inappropriate ass with another woman. But what puzzles me is, has he ever given an explanation for his cheating? Did he change through time? What is driving this? He ALSO has a history with you. From you he has gotten support and two beautiful children. Maybe he has to be at the point where he runs the risk of losing them before he is willing to work on the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You let him get away with it so he does it more. I doubt Ms. Red Shoes is the only one he is seeing.

Sit him down and tell him that you have been some female issues and tell him you have a sexually transmitted disease and the doctor wants to test him to find out how to treat it saeeing it coudl be life threatening. He will sing like a jail bird.

I love this idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone recovering from husband's almost two year affair, I would gather more evidence. Cheaters lie. Affairs that are not the one-time business trip flings are addictive. My DH was a different person. He denied denied denied and lied. It was only after we separated from him being unbearable to live with and I was ready to walk away from the marriage that he came clean about everything and that was only after the affair had been over for a few months and he was out of his f-ed up fog.

I would make a plan, gather evidence. In the thick of an affair, there is not much you can do to stop it aside from blatant exposure. Not, are you having an affair, but "I hired a PI and I have evidence. Now is your time to make a choice."

+100. Wait and watch. Look at the cell phone bill numbers, computer history, phone history, credit card and banking statements. If you ask without pretty substantial evidence, he will lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I guess I'm asking for advice about this because I know that part of the deal with not leaving after being cheated on was that I am supposed to be trusting him and checking his email and being freaked out by emails like this show that I'm not keeping my part of the bargain.

I'm still stuck at this. Usually, part of the deal when there is infidelity is that the cheater needs to offer full disclosure about his activities and whereabouts, and deal with the fact that the cheated-upon spouse may have moments of deep insecurity and need reassurance, even if it is asking to see an email account. The fact that he is having personal email exchanges with a woman you have never heard of raises a red flag. Perhaps you sensed something was up which was why you checked his phone?

There is only a slightly smoking gun here, but between the tenor of the exchange and the history, it seems quite likely that your husband is either cheating or acting in appropriating and not respecting the boudaries of your marriage. GIven the history, that is worrisome. However, it is also likely that if you confront him about this vague text, you will get a boatload of denial, and he will turn the issue back onto you and your failure to "trust" him, leaving you feeling confused and upset. It will also teach him to be more vigilant, and you will end up in a terrible limbo--at some level knowing he is not being honest, but not being able to prove it.

personally, I would sit tight, and gather more evidence if possible. If indeed he is cheating, I would then quietly see a lawyer and discuss the various scenarios of divorce. Only you know can make the decision, but while its easy for people here to tell you to DTMF, we are not in your shoes. But a lawyer may be able to advise on issues of custody, support, travel. ANd of course, you have to figure out what you want, in your heart.

so sorry, OP. how old are your kids?

OP again. You described almost exactly what happened. I asked him who she was and he told me she's a colleague from the other city he goes to frequently for work. I asked to see the entire chain of emails and he acted evasive, said he'd show me later and then, when I was adamant, he dicked around on his phone for a few minutes and then showed me a chain of 6 emails that include the entire conversation and didn't have anything explicit. He had an explanation for the red shoes comment. He accused me of not trusting him (duh), being cold and spending too much time complaining about how terrible he is. I'm so tired. I have an appointment with a lawyer next week. I don't know what any of you mean about gathering more evidence; how would having proof of his affairs help me legally or personally?

For those of you who seem to think I deserve this type of treatment because I didn't leave when he first admitted cheating: I hope you're never in a situation where someone you love with all your heart and have spent years building a life with hurts and betrays you because it's a lot more complicated than it sounds on this anonymous forum. Thanks for kicking me while I'm down.

Oh dear. I read this entire thread since I left a cheater (and it wasn't easy) and I spent nearly twenty years building the "perfect" life with him. I was barely out of college when I met him.

But your last paragraph reeks of self pity and blaming people who don't deserve it. I think that only one poster was unkind, and she had a somewhat valid point.

The only person to blame is your husband. He's a serial cheater. You married a serial cheater. It sucks, but you need to get used to the fact that every divorce attorney, every therapist, and most of your friends will say/think the same thing: YOU married him. You are partially responsible for this mess. So now you need to fix it, one way or another. You need to toughen up.

Good luck with your lawyer, and make sure you get the best best therapist for yourself. As for gathering evidence, what exactly don't you understand??? I don't know if you live in a non-fault or fault state, but if you're in a fault state, you'll want proof that he is a cheater.

More than an attorney, I think that you need a good therapist, stat.

[Anonymous]

Well, here's the thing. He admitted to cheating and picking up one or two women. There were more. There ARE more. Because you stayed, he knows you feel guilt about leaving because of the kids, and he's got you snowed, thinking YOU'RE the one doing something wrong by snooping after he's proven himself a cheater. He doesn't have to pay you child support or lose access to his kids and he gets to have flirtatious emails with coworkers and one night stands around the country. He's getting off scot free here.

You have two choices: decide to leave, or decide to stay. If you KNOW you're not going to leave no matter what, then just don't bring it up and stop snooping. Because you're causing yourself stress and heartache. I don't advocate staying, but you seem set on that, so you really just need to adopt the blind eye approach. Don't go looking for evidence of what you know is going on. Don't confront him about something he's not willing to change and which you're not willing to leave for.

If you decide one day to muster up some self-respect and think you can leave, then confront him and give him the option to change. And REALLY change, not give you the run-around. But if you're really and truly unwilling to leave him, you're just going to have to suck it up and make the best of it. Because otherwise you're going to be making yourself sick trying to find all evidence of the cheating you KNOW he will be doing, then starting fights with him, and then what's the point of staying, since your kids will be in a miserable home? Stay or go, but if you stay, know what you're in for and accept it. Because it won't change unless you force it to. This is who he is.

[Anonymous]

It's really not as simple as some of you pps would like to make it. There isn't some light switch that you just flip. And your tough love attitude probably does nothing but make the OP feel worse about herself, which though you might not understand this, will only make it harder for her to leave if that's what she chooses. All it does is damage her self-esteem. NOT HELPFUL.

Look, this really is more like a death. If the OP's husband had died, you wouldn't talk to her this way. Yet psychologically, what's happening to her is very similar to the grief process that happens with death. And, in fact, something has died! Her illusions about her husband, the dreams of a happy marriage, her hopes for herself, her kids, and their future... She's dealing with the five stages of grief here and you guys want her to go from denial to acceptance in 10 minutes. Her life is literally falling apart around her. Give it a rest already with the tough talk. She's allowed to mourn.

Honestly, are you people really that clueless that you don't see this?