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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote] I guess I'm asking for advice about this because I know that part of the deal with not leaving after being cheated on was that I am supposed to be trusting him and checking his email and being freaked out by emails like this show that I'm not keeping my part of the bargain.[/quote]

I'm still stuck at this.  Usually, part of the deal when there is infidelity is that the cheater needs to offer full disclosure about his activities and whereabouts, and deal with the fact that the cheated-upon spouse may have moments of deep insecurity and need reassurance, even if it is asking to see an email account. The fact that he is having personal email exchanges with a woman you have never heard of raises a red flag. Perhaps you sensed something was up which was why you checked his phone?

There is only a slightly smoking gun here, but between the tenor of the exchange and the history, it seems quite likely that your husband is either cheating or acting in appropriating and not respecting the boudaries of your marriage. GIven the history, that is worrisome. However, it is also likely that if you confront him about this vague text, you will get a boatload of denial, and he will turn the issue back onto you and your failure to "trust" him, leaving you feeling confused and upset. It will also teach him to be more vigilant, and you will end up in a terrible limbo--at some level knowing he is not being honest, but not being able to prove it.

personally, I would sit tight, and gather more evidence if possible. If indeed he is cheating, I would then quietly see a lawyer and discuss the various scenarios of divorce. Only you know can make the decision, but while its easy for people here to tell you to DTMF, we are not in  your shoes. But a lawyer may be able to advise on issues of custody, support, travel. ANd of course, you have to figure out what you want, in your heart.

so sorry, OP. how old are your kids? [/quote]

OP again.  You described almost exactly what happened.  I asked him who she was and he told me she's a colleague from the other city he goes to frequently for work.  I asked to see the entire chain of emails and he acted evasive, said he'd show me later and then, when I was adamant, he dicked around on his phone for a few minutes and then showed me a chain of 6 emails that include the entire conversation and didn't have anything explicit.  He had an explanation for the red shoes comment. He accused me of not trusting him (duh), being cold and spending too much time complaining about how terrible he is.  I'm so tired.  I have an appointment with a lawyer next week.  I don't know what any of you mean about gathering more evidence; how would having proof of his affairs help me legally or personally?

For those of you who seem to think I deserve this type of treatment because I didn't leave when he first admitted cheating: I hope you're never in a situation where someone you love with all your heart and have spent years building a life with hurts and betrays you because it's a lot more complicated than it sounds on this anonymous forum.  Thanks for kicking me while I'm down.  [/quote]

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