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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think his reaction is key. If he has shown genuine remorse and a desire to make things right, that is one thing. If he's impatient because you haven't forgiven him without him really doing very much other than ending the affair, that's a different story. Granted there's a lot of gray area in between but which way the scales are tilting matters a lot.[/quote]

But how do you tell between genuine remorse and shame filled regret, particularly when someone has been caught, details dragged out and so on?  [/quote]

I'm 12:11. For me, my husband was not really regretful and acted put out everytime I discovered continued contact and confronted him (this was all pre-confession of affair). Had more of "why are you checking my things" attitude more than regret that he was being unfaithful.

A few days after he confessed everything, he came over to talk and I made it clear I was willing to work on it and I asked him what he wanted to do. He said he wasn't sure. I'm going to be honest and say that I got pissed. Basically told him that I was willing to work through the terrible thing he'd done and *he wasn't sure* if he wanted to. I told him to get out and I cut off all contact. And 2-3 weeks later, his fantasy world came crashing down and the full impact of what he'd done (and how I was done as far as he knew) hit him.

From the moment we reconciled, he was willing to tell me everything. But, he never volunteered any information. I would ask questions and he would answer (sometimes too honestly). Sometimes, he would say "why do we have to talk about this" thing and I made sure that he knew that his cooperation was not negotiable if he wanted us to reconcile. In his mind, if we talked about it, I would get mad or sad and he didn't want us to sink back into those feelings. I let him know that this was what I needed to heal and if he couldn't do it, we'd have to call it quits. It's weird, but during his affair I acted like a pushover, but after we reconciled, I became so tough. I think a lot had to do with being a bit ashamed at even taking him back, so I punished him quite a bit in the beginning. Definitely not healthy and I wouldn't recommend, but it's how I coped.

The one thing I'm grateful for is that DH confessed everything to me on his own. I was such a trusting dolt that even after the now-obvious proof, I still thought this was an EA, not a PA. So it's a very (very, very, very) small comfort to know that he confessed willingly. Catching your spouse leaves you with all sorts of other questions to torment you.

I said all this to say that you will know he's genuine when he's willing to answer all of your questions openly and honestly. None of that "I don't want to talk about it", "Why are you asking me this" BS. Full disclosure. If he's not willing to do this, he's still being secretive and that's just not acceptable when such a violation of trust has occurred. [/quote]

PP here whose husband had 2 year affair. Can relate to so much of this. I also stupidly thought it was an EA for the first several months we dealt with it. But, I've forgiven myself for that. Was I naive, sure, but I trusted my husband. Too much, and it was a mistake, but oh well. I also toughened up a bit. I learned a lot more about my needs, how to articulate them, how to get them met, and a big lesson, that I was depending on my husband for too much (could and should meet some of my own needs). I mean, I don't want to paint myself as this clueless wallflower. I have a good career, friends, close family, I push myself physically and think of myself as tough in some ways, etc. But I played a part in allowing myself to get swallowed up in our marriage. Obviously DH had made a lot of mistakes too.

But back to your post: agree that when my husband was FINALLY ready to reveal, I had to ask the questions. But he did confess willingly. I would have never known about the sexual part and how long it lasted had he not opened up. Telling the details made it not just something they shared. It went to this "intimate" experience between the two of them (I don't think affairs have a lot of intimacy. There is so much selfishness and lying to each other, the spouses, and to themselves) to something we were dealing with. In a way, it took some of the power out of it. Still sucked though. [/quote]

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