dads/moms with "professional careers": do you eat dinner with family on weekdays?

[Anonymous]

First of all, can we all get over ourselves that many of the people posting on this thread are apparently in the 1% and have HHI of 300k+, because there are many people who have "professional" jobs who make quite a bit less than that.

DH and I both have professional jobs and make about $90k each. We are hardly poor, nor are our jobs any less important than yours. We both get home by 6pm most of time. Not lawyers or doctors either, but do have to answer lots of email at night and on weekends, and we argue about who has to stay home with a sick kid sometimes.

Your question depends on a ton of factors:
1) whether one or both parents work
2) commute time for both
3) office flexibility (or perceived flexibility)
4) age of childen and how many
5) how important it is to you.
6) when daycare/nanny relief time is

FWIW, I think not eating together is more common when you have very young children, when one person has a very demaning job, and when you have a bad commute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

DH and I are both practicing lawyers, both working full time. We make it a family priority to eat dinner together as a family every night. We eat at 6:30. Coincidentally, we also live in Vienna, and my DH commutes to DC.

We do this by declining evening obligations as much as possible, going to work super early, working at home after dinner and being happy with secure but low to medium powered careers. Our HHI is over $300,000 though so not any financial sacrifice to do it this way.

this is the OP. getting to work early would not make a difference, unless I could change all of my co-workers and clients. I need to be there when they need me. and yes, if your combined HHI is $300K you are making a sacrifice. That is fine for you and I'm happy it works out, but my target in a few years is approx $350-400K or so myself. besides, it cuts my commute in half if I can get on 66.

Hey OP, I'm sorry to be judgmental since you are obviously trying to make more family time but $300K HHI is not a "sacrifice." If you want to pursue your career goals of making $350k-400k, then unless you are in charge of your own schedule, in most jobs, clearly you are not making it home for family dinner at 6pm. I am the PP who is a 2 lawyer family who has dinner at 6pm nearly every night. Our HHI is probably $250k. We own a house in DC, have 30 minute commutes via metro and have zero financial stress. I would not trade in our comfortable life (including family dinners) to make an extra $150k. But you do. You can't have it all.

Amen, PP! We are the same - combined HHI of just over $250K and dinner every night at home with our little one. We own a house near in, short commute, and sure, we aren't swimming in money and don't jet off for fabulous mediterranean vacations, but we don't worry about money and I'm thrilled that my DS is already noting how we have dinner at our house and his friend's families don't.

[Anonymous]

Wow
b/c maintenance workers, plumbers and construction workers always work 9-5

Step off your pedestal, snob.

[Anonymous]

I get home at 5:15 and lots of nights we still don't eat dinner as a family. Its pretty hard to cook five nights a week for the fam. We usually feed the kids and then fend for ourselves.

[Anonymous]

We eat together as a family most days but don't eat until 7:30pm. Our kids are 8 and 5. Although we both could get home somewhat earlier (and did so in the past before we had a nanny) we both found this had negative consequences for us in our respective workplaces. Even if the workplaces say they are "flexible," really we both can see the difference in our superiors' attitude toward us now that we don't dash out the door at 5pm. (and yes, we are quite flexible ourselves and get back online in the evening as needed). BTW, both of us work in Fed workplaces (although I grant that neither the workplaces nor our very interesting jobs would be considered "typical" Fed and we both have mgmt responsibilities).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

DH and I are both practicing lawyers, both working full time. We make it a family priority to eat dinner together as a family every night. We eat at 6:30. Coincidentally, we also live in Vienna, and my DH commutes to DC.

We do this by declining evening obligations as much as possible, going to work super early, working at home after dinner and being happy with secure but low to medium powered careers. Our HHI is over $300,000 though so not any financial sacrifice to do it this way.

this is the OP. getting to work early would not make a difference, unless I could change all of my co-workers and clients. I need to be there when they need me. and yes, if your combined HHI is $300K you are making a sacrifice. That is fine for you and I'm happy it works out, but my target in a few years is approx $350-400K or so myself. besides, it cuts my commute in half if I can get on 66.

This was your question originally:

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

Here is what you do: Look your kids in the eye and let them know that money is more important to you than them and then carry on with your conference call.

[Anonymous]

NP here.

Mon-Thurs, I eat dinner with the kids, usually between 6:30 and 7:00pm. DH arrives home at 7pm or shortly thereafter.

Sometimes it is hard/frustrating that he cannot get home in time to join us. But I appreciate the fact that he is very flexible about helping out in the mornings, as we get one child out to school and one child out to daycare. He takes on a lot of the morning responsibilities.

They don't ask yet about why daddy isn't home for dinner with us. But if/when they do, I would probably point out to them that daddy helps out in the mornings and so he has to stay at work a little later.

To alleviate some of my own stress and the fact that I HATE making dinner for the kids every night, DH comes home from work early one day/week, picks up the kids for me, makes their dinner, etc. On that evening, I typically will work a little later myself, and/or I'll make an acupunture or chiropractor appointment. Or go to happy hour.

Friday nights we try to all eat together - I let the kids have snacks so they can wait for him to get home. We usually get them fast food and then DH and I eat (better) takeout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get home at 5:15 and lots of nights we still don't eat dinner as a family. Its pretty hard to cook five nights a week for the fam. We usually feed the kids and then fend for ourselves.

Yes, it's very, very difficult for 2 adults to cook five nights a week for the fam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

DH and I are both practicing lawyers, both working full time. We make it a family priority to eat dinner together as a family every night. We eat at 6:30. Coincidentally, we also live in Vienna, and my DH commutes to DC.

We do this by declining evening obligations as much as possible, going to work super early, working at home after dinner and being happy with secure but low to medium powered careers. Our HHI is over $300,000 though so not any financial sacrifice to do it this way.

this is the OP. getting to work early would not make a difference, unless I could change all of my co-workers and clients. I need to be there when they need me. and yes, if your combined HHI is $300K you are making a sacrifice. That is fine for you and I'm happy it works out, but my target in a few years is approx $350-400K or so myself. besides, it cuts my commute in half if I can get on 66.

NP here. You sound really defensive. I'm extremely envious of the PP you are snarking at - she has a great setup and she doesn't deserve to be sniped at just because she was kind enough to answer your question. And I say this as someone who makes much more than you but would happily make 300k to have dinner with the whole family every night.

Just something to think about: if you don't think you could live comfortably (and save heavily) on 300k, you might want to re-evaluate your priorities and see if you can find a way to spend more time with your kids, since you seem to care about that.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we are both lawyers -- one at a firm and one in govt. We eat as a family every weeknight unless one of the kids has sports practice or one of us has a social event (which is infrequent). But (1) we've always eaten latish; (2) we have very short commutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

DH and I are both practicing lawyers, both working full time. We make it a family priority to eat dinner together as a family every night. We eat at 6:30. Coincidentally, we also live in Vienna, and my DH commutes to DC.

We do this by declining evening obligations as much as possible, going to work super early, working at home after dinner and being happy with secure but low to medium powered careers. Our HHI is over $300,000 though so not any financial sacrifice to do it this way.

this is the OP. getting to work early would not make a difference, unless I could change all of my co-workers and clients. I need to be there when they need me. and yes, if your combined HHI is $300K you are making a sacrifice. That is fine for you and I'm happy it works out, but my target in a few years is approx $350-400K or so myself. besides, it cuts my commute in half if I can get on 66.

This was your question originally:

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

Here is what you do: Look your kids in the eye and let them know that money is more important to you than them and then carry on with your conference call.

You are completely out of line. DH works in a field common in DC that has long hours and is rarely home in time for dinner with the kids. Not because he doesn't love them and NOT because he is making anywhere near the big bucks others are claiming on this site, but because it is his career and he can't really switch at this point. The kids know that he is late because that is his job's hours and that he works to make money for our family. They get plenty of time with him in the mornings, on weekends and days off/vacations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

DH and I are both practicing lawyers, both working full time. We make it a family priority to eat dinner together as a family every night. We eat at 6:30. Coincidentally, we also live in Vienna, and my DH commutes to DC.

We do this by declining evening obligations as much as possible, going to work super early, working at home after dinner and being happy with secure but low to medium powered careers. Our HHI is over $300,000 though so not any financial sacrifice to do it this way.

this is the OP. getting to work early would not make a difference, unless I could change all of my co-workers and clients. I need to be there when they need me. and yes, if your combined HHI is $300K you are making a sacrifice. That is fine for you and I'm happy it works out, but my target in a few years is approx $350-400K or so myself. besides, it cuts my commute in half if I can get on 66.

This was your question originally:

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

Here is what you do: Look your kids in the eye and let them know that money is more important to you than them and then carry on with your conference call.

You are completely out of line. DH works in a field common in DC that has long hours and is rarely home in time for dinner with the kids. Not because he doesn't love them and NOT because he is making anywhere near the big bucks others are claiming on this site, but because it is his career and he can't really switch at this point. The kids know that he is late because that is his job's hours and that he works to make money for our family. They get plenty of time with him in the mornings, on weekends and days off/vacations.

You are reading the post you are responding to out of context and your response is myopic.

The dad is certainly choosing a large salary over spending time with his family, he said it, not me. A paltry 300K salary is not enough to make it worth his time with his kids.

I'm sure his children unimpressed with his w-2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

DH and I are both practicing lawyers, both working full time. We make it a family priority to eat dinner together as a family every night. We eat at 6:30. Coincidentally, we also live in Vienna, and my DH commutes to DC.

We do this by declining evening obligations as much as possible, going to work super early, working at home after dinner and being happy with secure but low to medium powered careers. Our HHI is over $300,000 though so not any financial sacrifice to do it this way.

this is the OP. getting to work early would not make a difference, unless I could change all of my co-workers and clients. I need to be there when they need me. and yes, if your combined HHI is $300K you are making a sacrifice. That is fine for you and I'm happy it works out, but my target in a few years is approx $350-400K or so myself. besides, it cuts my commute in half if I can get on 66.

This was your question originally:

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

Here is what you do: Look your kids in the eye and let them know that money is more important to you than them and then carry on with your conference call.

You are completely out of line. DH works in a field common in DC that has long hours and is rarely home in time for dinner with the kids. Not because he doesn't love them and NOT because he is making anywhere near the big bucks others are claiming on this site, but because it is his career and he can't really switch at this point. The kids know that he is late because that is his job's hours and that he works to make money for our family. They get plenty of time with him in the mornings, on weekends and days off/vacations.

Did the same person post both of these? I thought the issue was OP's job, not OP's spouse's job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

DH and I are both practicing lawyers, both working full time. We make it a family priority to eat dinner together as a family every night. We eat at 6:30. Coincidentally, we also live in Vienna, and my DH commutes to DC.

We do this by declining evening obligations as much as possible, going to work super early, working at home after dinner and being happy with secure but low to medium powered careers. Our HHI is over $300,000 though so not any financial sacrifice to do it this way.

this is the OP. getting to work early would not make a difference, unless I could change all of my co-workers and clients. I need to be there when they need me. and yes, if your combined HHI is $300K you are making a sacrifice. That is fine for you and I'm happy it works out, but my target in a few years is approx $350-400K or so myself. besides, it cuts my commute in half if I can get on 66.

This was your question originally:

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

Here is what you do: Look your kids in the eye and let them know that money is more important to you than them and then carry on with your conference call.

You are completely out of line. DH works in a field common in DC that has long hours and is rarely home in time for dinner with the kids. Not because he doesn't love them and NOT because he is making anywhere near the big bucks others are claiming on this site, but because it is his career and he can't really switch at this point. The kids know that he is late because that is his job's hours and that he works to make money for our family. They get plenty of time with him in the mornings, on weekends and days off/vacations.

Did the same person post both of these? I thought the issue was OP's job, not OP's spouse's job.

No, just another person who got defensive. Par for the course around here.

[Anonymous]

We have a toddler and both work 'professional jobs' though not with salaries that would impress OP, apparently. I do daycare pickup and get home with LO at 6. DH gets home at 630. We feed the baby first, put him to bed, and eat together afterwards. When he is older we will start family dinners.

OP, you claimed that a HHI of 300k isn't enough, so you should tell your family that making the big bucks is a priority, bottom line. DH is a lawyer, btw. There are other ways.