dads/moms with "professional careers": do you eat dinner with family on weekdays?

[Anonymous]

One of us (usually me) is home to feed the kids supper and sit with them but we almost always eat later. My husband often works late and he is also the cook in our family so we usually eat after the kids go to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are all you government lawyers who get out so early? DH is a fed lawyer and he never gets home before 6:45/7:15.

DOJ? That used to be me, and I moved to our client agency. I went from leaving work at 7 to leaving at 3:30, and i get paid the same. Hard pill to swallow because I loved DOJ but couldn't justify giving away so many hours of my day.

[Anonymous]

nobody I know eats dinners with their kids on weekdays. it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:nobody I know eats dinners with their kids on weekdays. it sucks.

That is so sad.

What kind of a life is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

DH and I are both practicing lawyers, both working full time. We make it a family priority to eat dinner together as a family every night. We eat at 6:30. Coincidentally, we also live in Vienna, and my DH commutes to DC.

We do this by declining evening obligations as much as possible, going to work super early, working at home after dinner and being happy with secure but low to medium powered careers. Our HHI is over $300,000 though so not any financial sacrifice to do it this way.

this is the OP. getting to work early would not make a difference, unless I could change all of my co-workers and clients. I need to be there when they need me. and yes, if your combined HHI is $300K you are making a sacrifice. That is fine for you and I'm happy it works out, but my target in a few years is approx $350-400K or so myself. besides, it cuts my commute in half if I can get on 66.

Hey OP, I'm sorry to be judgmental since you are obviously trying to make more family time but $300K HHI is not a "sacrifice." If you want to pursue your career goals of making $350k-400k, then unless you are in charge of your own schedule, in most jobs, clearly you are not making it home for family dinner at 6pm. I am the PP who is a 2 lawyer family who has dinner at 6pm nearly every night. Our HHI is probably $250k. We own a house in DC, have 30 minute commutes via metro and have zero financial stress. I would not trade in our comfortable life (including family dinners) to make an extra $150k. But you do. You can't have it all.

OP here, and I will catch up on the rest of this thread - but wanted to respond to this one. for my career, there is not much middle ground possible. I would KILL for an in-house $200K type job. I've tried and tried, but I cannot get one. The market is impossible for people with my skillset and credentials (transactional, finance, corporate, real estate type stuff). I will continue to try. So for now, I can either advance (small firm) or get canned, not much in between. Not too many non-equity types at my firm. Besides, its not that hard to make equity where I am, and they don't work hard at all, and do make $400Kish. That would be the ideal life for my family. Comfortable good place to work and very family friendly. I can get there. But I've been laid off before and would rather not take that risk again. It is a real risk.

Then why were you so mean to the PP who said her HHI was 300k? Something doesn't add up here.

[Anonymous]

Is there something magic about eating dinner with the family on weekdays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there something magic about eating dinner with the family on weekdays?

You bet. Studies show that parents who prioritize nightly family dinners are much more likely to raise children who succeed academically and stay out of trouble. (Cue in the anecdotal exceptions. )

Sadly, DH is not one of these parents. And yes, he's a DOJ fed. So much for family values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

DH and I are both practicing lawyers, both working full time. We make it a family priority to eat dinner together as a family every night. We eat at 6:30. Coincidentally, we also live in Vienna, and my DH commutes to DC.

We do this by declining evening obligations as much as possible, going to work super early, working at home after dinner and being happy with secure but low to medium powered careers. Our HHI is over $300,000 though so not any financial sacrifice to do it this way.

this is the OP. getting to work early would not make a difference, unless I could change all of my co-workers and clients. I need to be there when they need me. and yes, if your combined HHI is $300K you are making a sacrifice. That is fine for you and I'm happy it works out, but my target in a few years is approx $350-400K or so myself. besides, it cuts my commute in half if I can get on 66.

Hey OP, I'm sorry to be judgmental since you are obviously trying to make more family time but $300K HHI is not a "sacrifice." If you want to pursue your career goals of making $350k-400k, then unless you are in charge of your own schedule, in most jobs, clearly you are not making it home for family dinner at 6pm. I am the PP who is a 2 lawyer family who has dinner at 6pm nearly every night. Our HHI is probably $250k. We own a house in DC, have 30 minute commutes via metro and have zero financial stress. I would not trade in our comfortable life (including family dinners) to make an extra $150k. But you do. You can't have it all.

OP here, and I will catch up on the rest of this thread - but wanted to respond to this one. for my career, there is not much middle ground possible. I would KILL for an in-house $200K type job. I've tried and tried, but I cannot get one. The market is impossible for people with my skillset and credentials (transactional, finance, corporate, real estate type stuff). I will continue to try. So for now, I can either advance (small firm) or get canned, not much in between. Not too many non-equity types at my firm. Besides, its not that hard to make equity where I am, and they don't work hard at all, and do make $400Kish. That would be the ideal life for my family. Comfortable good place to work and very family friendly. I can get there. But I've been laid off before and would rather not take that risk again. It is a real risk.

Then why were you so mean to the PP who said her HHI was 300k? Something doesn't add up here.

that came out wrong. I apologize. Its not that I am driven to make more money, it is that there is honestly no other career path for me right now. Either I work hard, develop clients and bill hours and make equity partner at boutique type firms (or try to land another biglaw job and work even longer hours as a non-equity or senior counsel type), or I go to plan B. And there really is no plan B. So I cannot be satisfied with that because it is not an option. I need to keep a roof for my kids, that is #1.

[Anonymous]

I was in biglaw and switched to a small and family-friendly firm after a lot of thought about what i wanted from my life. I still work a lot of hours, but it's understood--and respected--that I have to leave at 5:30 every day, barring emergency. I'm back online after the kids go to bed (7:30ish), for at least half an hour on a slow day to deal with emails, etc., and often for several hours to continue working. It's exhausting, for sure, but worth having my particpiation in a stable and consistent routine for the kids. My husband is a lawyer for the gov't, and is also home for dinner most nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

DH and I are both practicing lawyers, both working full time. We make it a family priority to eat dinner together as a family every night. We eat at 6:30. Coincidentally, we also live in Vienna, and my DH commutes to DC.

We do this by declining evening obligations as much as possible, going to work super early, working at home after dinner and being happy with secure but low to medium powered careers. Our HHI is over $300,000 though so not any financial sacrifice to do it this way.

this is the OP. getting to work early would not make a difference, unless I could change all of my co-workers and clients. I need to be there when they need me. and yes, if your combined HHI is $300K you are making a sacrifice. That is fine for you and I'm happy it works out, but my target in a few years is approx $350-400K or so myself. besides, it cuts my commute in half if I can get on 66.

Hey OP, I'm sorry to be judgmental since you are obviously trying to make more family time but $300K HHI is not a "sacrifice." If you want to pursue your career goals of making $350k-400k, then unless you are in charge of your own schedule, in most jobs, clearly you are not making it home for family dinner at 6pm. I am the PP who is a 2 lawyer family who has dinner at 6pm nearly every night. Our HHI is probably $250k. We own a house in DC, have 30 minute commutes via metro and have zero financial stress. I would not trade in our comfortable life (including family dinners) to make an extra $150k. But you do. You can't have it all.

OP here, and I will catch up on the rest of this thread - but wanted to respond to this one. for my career, there is not much middle ground possible. I would KILL for an in-house $200K type job. I've tried and tried, but I cannot get one. The market is impossible for people with my skillset and credentials (transactional, finance, corporate, real estate type stuff). I will continue to try. So for now, I can either advance (small firm) or get canned, not much in between. Not too many non-equity types at my firm. Besides, its not that hard to make equity where I am, and they don't work hard at all, and do make $400Kish. That would be the ideal life for my family. Comfortable good place to work and very family friendly. I can get there. But I've been laid off before and would rather not take that risk again. It is a real risk.

Then why were you so mean to the PP who said her HHI was 300k? Something doesn't add up here.

that came out wrong. I apologize. Its not that I am driven to make more money, it is that there is honestly no other career path for me right now. Either I work hard, develop clients and bill hours and make equity partner at boutique type firms (or try to land another biglaw job and work even longer hours as a non-equity or senior counsel type), or I go to plan B. And there really is no plan B. So I cannot be satisfied with that because it is not an option. I need to keep a roof for my kids, that is #1.

OP, I wonder if there is some other way to slice this. Can you leave your office with enough time to have dinner with your kids, and then log back on later to do an hour or two of work, after they are settled in bed?

Or, if you are an early-to-rise family, can you start having breakfast together in a (relatively) leisurely way?

I just wonder if you can flex your hours a bit to get at least a couple of weekday dinnertimes with your family.

[Anonymous]

that is where the commute BS comes in. I suppose I could be an early riser (against my nature), but driving from Vienna to DC/Arlington is SO MUCH easier if you get in late. My commute is 30 minutes if I hit the HOV lanes at 9, but probably an hour or so if I need to be in the office at 8:15.

From reading the replies, I think the best thing for us is to have later dinners. Say 7:15.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

No, we do not eat dinner with family during the week. BigLaw x2. We do not eat dinner as a family during the week except on very rare occasions. We tried family breakfast for awhile, but once the kids had to be at the bus stop at 7:30 a.m., that stopped working.

There is nothing to "explain" to my family. This is how it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you (OP or others) aren't home for dinner every night, how many hours/minutes do you see your kids every day?

I SAH, but DH eats breakfast with us in the morning, and is home for dinner every night. If he didn't get those two+ hours with the kids at night, he wouldn't even know them.... and I can't imagine that he'd feel all the work was worth it if he's MIA every night. That's how we live... but compared to some, we're practically impoverished at about $190K gross. Of course, we don't really feel like we live in poverty b/c our house and cars are paid off and we have $0 credit card or other debt.

I think it IS about choices... we choose not to be on a fast track b/c we like to have down time and be involved with our kids. BTW, I'm the lawyer in the family (the one who SAH -- so, yes, you can take the lower paying lawyer job if you want to... but that's a choice.)

this is not fair. our HHI is 150 and we both work. our house and cars are also paid off and we have no debt (inheritance). but that is NOT the case for most. it's really ignorant to come on here bragging about choices and priorities when you have a paid-off house, no loans, etc. it's easy for me to say everyone should work the low-ish paying jobs we chose in exchange for flexibility - we don't have a mortgage or student loan debt! be considerate of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:that is where the commute BS comes in. I suppose I could be an early riser (against my nature), but driving from Vienna to DC/Arlington is SO MUCH easier if you get in late. My commute is 30 minutes if I hit the HOV lanes at 9, but probably an hour or so if I need to be in the office at 8:15.

From reading the replies, I think the best thing for us is to have later dinners. Say 7:15.

Depending on how old your kids are, 7:15 should work fine. If your wife is home at e.g. 6PM, she could do "appetizers" hour with the kids and serve e.g. veggies and dip or something that will tide them over until you get home.

Good for you for working on figuring this out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:dad here, lawyer at midsize firm. zero chance I am home in Vienna before 7:30pm. and a few times a month, or more, I have board meetings, business development, etc. When I was in biglaw it would have been impossible to get home before 9pm.

So let me know, and if the answer is what I expect, how do you explain to your family?

No, we do not eat dinner with family during the week. BigLaw x2. We do not eat dinner as a family during the week except on very rare occasions. We tried family breakfast for awhile, but once the kids had to be at the bus stop at 7:30 a.m., that stopped working.

There is nothing to "explain" to my family. This is how it is.

No. This is not "how it is." This is your choice, BigLaw x2 was not ust dumped on you.

Not that you have to explain it if you don't feel that's necessary, but you are not a passive recipient of this life either.