Discipline and your spouse - if one person is much more strict...

[Anonymous]

I don't know about the babysitter example...i've done lots of things that i wouldnt want the babysitter to do (eg, yelled at my kids out of frustration) but i don't think i need counseling or parenting classes - so i don't think that's a good metric by which to decide whether a parent is abusive. (although in this case i do think the DH has been abusive).

[Anonymous]

OP, I really feel for your situation. I don't have any great advice, but I want to tell you that I am kind of like your DH. My dad was also like this - he didn't have any coping skills for dealing with being very stressed, frustrated, or angry - he had no skills for dealing with these emotions and he would lash out and act like a child. I find myself doing the same things with my own kids. I can easily see that I have no coping skills when the going gets tough -- just like my dad. If things are going smoothly, I am the most loving person, and very kind - if you met me on the street you would never imagine that I could be so mean to my kids, that I have yelled at them, even screamed at them...that I have picked my 3YO up very roughly by the arm out of anger...It sounds like your DH is the same. Although there is no excuse for the behavior, speaking as someone who does it, it is very, very hard to change. I don't know whether your DH realizes there is a problem or not....if he doesn't, then that's going to be more of a challenge...but for me, I know I have this problem, and I know that I need to fix this NOW. I see a therapist regularly and she has given me some breathing exercises, and little tricks to notice when I am starting to lose control and how to stop it before it starts. I was skeptical about whether therapy could help me, at first, but it really has helped.
It is really important to get this fixed ASAP. Like other PPs, my father's behavior ruined our lives, and our relationships with him. You don't want that to happen with your DH. Best of luck to your family. I know that this is very hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. And OP, you said that your husband thinks you're "defying" him when you parent differently. That makes him sound controlling and like he takes things personally that he should not. Does he expect you to fall in line with what he dictates rather than compromise together to reach the same page?

This is a good point. As his spouse, how can you be described as defiant? That's a term that describes, say, a government rebel. Where does "defy" come into play in a relationship between a man and his wife? Regardless of how endearing he may be at other times, his assertion that you are "defying" him says a lot about how he views you - apparently not as his life partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I fight this in myself, but if I fight it more successfully than your husband. I don't think what he's doing is right, stress or no stress. If he doesn't admit he has a problem and figure out a plan to work on it, then yes, I would remove the children from his care as much as possible. I didn't know I would feel the rage and anger I feel sometimes, and he may be shocked by it too. But he has a responsibility to improve. Force-feeding a child is really wrong. And honestly, my first instinct was: if this is what he feels okay doing in front of your parents, what is he doing when nobody is watching??

That was my thought too OP. I asked if you worked because I think this issue may cause you to leave. If he is like this with such tiny kids how is he going to react to older ones? The feeding shows a total lack of boundaries and was a choking hazzard. It's so obviously wrong, would it be permitted in a nursing home? It is so controlling and so "might makes right" and shows no respect for the kid or good judgment. I would not leave the kids alone with him. You cannot control someone else's "stress", I am in the process of divorce because of lack of healthy parenting and dealing with emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My child is 2.5 and I sincerely don't understand how one can force feed him. He would yell and say no nd shut his mouth etc. he would also never agree to have more if there is still food in his mouth.
So maybe he just made her sit and fork-fed her, not force fed?

A friend was a peds ER doc - he said you could tell which kids were abused b/c they were meek and complaint. She didn't act like your son b/c she was afraid of him.

OP, what he did in front of your parents seems like a weird staking of territory/test/show of dominance. I would be very concerned about the dynamics in your family. Renee Hackney is highly spoken of if you are in VA, I'd talk to someone like that, a parenting expert.

How does your H express his feelings about your "defiance"?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP, but your husband is an abuser. Protect your kids.

[Anonymous]

He shoved food in your child's mouth...he forced her to eat, while she was still chewing to prove that she finishes her meal?

How you didn't pick your child up and walk out the door.

Your husband is abusive and you are an enabler. I imagine your child won't speak to either one of you as an adult, after years and thousands of dollars of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He shoved food in your child's mouth...he forced her to eat, while she was still chewing to prove that she finishes her meal?

How you didn't pick your child up and walk out the door.

Your husband is abusive and you are an enabler. I imagine your child won't speak to either one of you as an adult, after years and thousands of dollars of therapy.

OP wasn't there when the incident happened, it was described to her later by her mother.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing the little girl didn't say anything as she is probably used to her father's mistreatment.

OP, do you think your kids are likely to pick healthy spouses or form happy families if they are treated in such a controlling and frightening way as small children? Aren't they going to be very angry?

[Anonymous]

Op here. Wish. I really mid-spoke when I said force-feeding; I did not mean that he put food in her mouth (nor did my mother mean that). She meants that her forced her to finish her 4 nuggets before getting up from the table even though she said she was full. Right before I left, I saw him holding a ketchup-dipped nugget in front of her while he was seated right beside her (so couldnt see her face) and say "take a bite now."
I was in a bad mood and snarled (in front of my mother) "her mouth is full, in case you didn't notice"

I think I have portrayed things as worse than they actually are. Also, this is all quite acute. A family friend's child was injured badly recently at their home and my DH blames the parent who was present, who has a similar style of parenting to me. I think he is reactIng to that. He is not usually like this.

He does have anger issues. We completed a year of couples therapy some time back. He doesn't wish to continue.

Thank you very much the posters who empathized and were honest. To read dcum, I would think I was the only mother who ever lost her cool, so it's nice to read that there are other human parents out there and that they are working on their issues.

To whit, I have tried beginning a discussion on discipline and parenting.

[Anonymous]

Wish was "woah!" autocorrect fail.

[Anonymous]

And the part of me defying him - that's my word. What he said was " I hate it when you contradict me in front of the kids; if we disagree, the person who wants the more conservative approach should 'win' and should get to apply their discipline" and he often says I let them run wild, which pisses me off no end. Because they are children.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are really backtracking now.

They ARE children and he mistreats them.

No excuses.

[Anonymous]

Refusing to go to counseling and saying the one with the more conservative approach (new euphamism for "punative"?) wins is just more control.

Read the Patricia Evan's book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. You need to be more hip to power over dynamics.

You need to get those kids out of there. They are just tiny and he physically overpowers and scares them. You know it's not ok OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And the part of me defying him - that's my word. What he said was " I hate it when you contradict me in front of the kids; if we disagree, the person who wants the more conservative approach should 'win' and should get to apply their discipline" and he often says I let them run wild, which pisses me off no end. Because they are children.

What he is saying is you have no voice and he should always "win". He devalues you as a parent and does not see you as an equal.

His "discipline" is barely controlled raging at people who probably weigh less than 30 lbs and who are dependent on you for survival. That is hardly lovingly teaching self control.

Would you let him abuse pets?