Discipline and your spouse - if one person is much more strict...
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Anonymous
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We have 2 kids: 2 and 3. DH is a very strict parent. He says No a lot and gives frequent time-outs. He has lightly smacked the younger one several times. He thinks I am defying him/not on the same page/questioning his parenting/disresepcting him because I am much more free-range and do not agree with his harsher methods. He also blames me when our kids acts up (the older one was recently really whiney in a restaurant and I look her outside for a time out and he totally blamed me and my "permissiveness" for her tantrum. I blamed the fact that food took a long time and she was too-hungry and tired.)
I have encourgaed him to read books about parenting or talk to our friends or look it up on dcum, but he seems unwilling to admit that he could be wrong. He is also a loving, caring person; he just has this image of kids behaving perfectly all the time. And, frankly, he grew up in a very strict household with a lot of rules and restrictions, which he feels were the "right" thing to do. So, here is my current problem: my parents, who live pretty nearby, have visited us the past 3 weekends in a row and they called me last night to say that they are unvomfortable with his parenting style - my mother said it makes her sick to her stomach b/c he is too harsh and too quick to smack/ time-out. My mom is a VERY free-range grandparent/parent. I feel somewhat accused by her distress: as if I am letting my DH abuse the kids. Incident she described: I was going to a funeral; DH had to work and kids needed to get fed while GP were here. I got McDonalds, kids started eating, then GP arrived and DD wanted to get up and hang out with them. DH got really angry; told her she could not get up til she finished and put each subsequent bite in DD's mouth, even while her mouth was full. My mother responded a little hysterically "she's gpoing to become bulemic if you keep foere-feeding her. I do beleiev the forec-gfeeding wass wrong, but i think he got over-whlemed with having to care for both while i suddenly disappeared when he needed to work at home and the in-laws showing up, He does NOT handle acute stress well. So, what would you do? |
Anonymous
| sorry for the mis-spellings; for some reason, the screen stopped advancing, so i was typing without seeing what i was typing... |
Anonymous
| I would get my kids the hell away from him. |
Anonymous
OP here: really? See, I posted b/c I don't want to miss something that is a red flag, but he is a really good father, just stricter than I am (probably as strict as most dcum parents, given the responses to threads about rowdiness in restaurants). He smacked our little one when he threw a toy at the older chld twice. He definitely does better with older toddlers than younger, but he kisses and cuddles them non-stop, puts them to bed, gets them ready in the morning, takes them to classes on the weekend.... |
Anonymous
| He needs to deal with whatever is underlying his need for control - anxiety, rage from how he was treated as a child, whatever. The putting food in her mouth is a huge red flag. Do you work OP? Taking the toy away would have been a more effective way to make the same point. |
Anonymous
| That he is loving at times does not offset that he is violent and controlling at others. |
Anonymous
| Force-feeding a child, especially in the way you described it, with him physically putting food into her already full mouth, is abusive. Period. What if he did it to you? Seriously, imagine sitting at the table eating and someone shoving food into your already full mouth. My husband is also stricter than I am and has higher expectations of children's behavior than I do, but would never do anything like that. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry that the first PP was cruel (and unhelpful, by recommending something that isn't feasible or best for the kids)...but your DH's behavior does raise some serious red flags and is outside of the realm of normal and healthy discipline, IMO. He needs help. Whether it's counseling, parenting classes, etc...something definitely needs to be done.
If he is unwilling, then maybe the first PP's suggestion might be something you need to think about. Sorry OP. |
Anonymous
| OP, I am embarrassed to admit this, but your DH sounds a little like me sometimes. I am very loving and affectionate under normal circumstances, and am not strict with the kids at all..but if I lose my cool, I have been abusive, and I have done things on par with the food-forcing that you describe. (For example, I have, more than once, handled my toddler roughly - even once pulling her by the hair). I feel horrible, and immense guilt, and I am working hard on this. It's a product of my shitty parents, I feel. I am in counseling for this. This is what I would recommend for your DH, at the very least. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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OP,
What would your reaction be if they did those things to a toddler at daycare? I think you would be wise to heed your parents' concerns. |
Anonymous
| OP, has he ever been abusive or physically controlling to you? Has he ever been one to be in bar fights, have road rage and the like? If not, then he can control himself, he just chooses to behave abusively to vulnerable little kids because they can't fight back. Your kids need to know unequivocally from you and your parents that this behavior is NOT ok. I would not have more kids with him and I would not leave the kids alone until this is addressed. I would document all of it in writing as well and have your parents do the same. Electronic is not as good. |
Anonymous
| If you haven't already, I would consider not mentioning to your DH that your parents expressed concern. You don't want to complicate that dynamic or create a situation where your parents aren't welcome in your home, etc. |
Anonymous
Agree with this but would have them around more. If you don't work, look for a job. It gives you a lot more options. |
Anonymous
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What do you mean when you say he "smacks" the kids? To me, that sounds like a quick and immediate slap/hit that comes from a place of anger rather than discipline.
How do you respond when you see him 'discipline' your kids in this way? If it makes you uncomfortable, than I think the two of you need to sit down - possibly with a professional - and come to an agreement as to how you will discipline your children together. To be effective, discipline is something that both parents need to be at least in the same neighborhood on - it doesn't sound like you and your husband are. |
Anonymous
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Your DH sounds like my dad -- kind and loving when he's in a good mood, but when he's stressed or cranky he can get REALLY nasty and controlling. I don't remember any incidents from when I was your DD's age, though I'm certain there were some, but it created a huge number of issues for his relationship with his kids.
I get on with him pretty well now, since I'm out of his house and an independent adult, but my college-age sister still calls me in tears because of something he'll say or do. For your kids' sake, I really hope that your DH can get some counseling to help him handle his emotions better. |