18 year old son and request for larger basement room

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He and his stepfather have never really had that great of a relationship and my husband seems determined to keep him in his place and make sure he knows who is the man of the house. My husband seems to be jealous of my relationship with my son and thinks he should just be out of the house simply because he's 18. He's from a different country and was brought up differently than me, so maybe that's where his way of thinking comes in.

A decision still has not been made because I don't want to make a decision that goes against what my husband decides. I did tell my son that even before making a decision, he needs to continue the weekly cleaning but do a better job at making sure things are really clean. I still have to discuss things with my husband and figure out what the best option for everyone would be

Why the hell would marry someone like that? What a horrible position you have put your son in! Since you mention you have younger children with this man, I assume, he has been in your/your older son's life for many years? Was your husband any nicer to your son when he was younger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. I wouldn't want him getting comfortable staying. He should be hungry to move out. Don't let him be complacent.

Hmm, maybe it's cultural, but I never really understood this type of sentiment of wanting to kick out the kids the moment they turn 18. Are they not part of the family anymore? They don't need support?

OP, I might let him move into the bigger room provided he keeps it clean and gives a small rent amount, maybe $100 a month.

[Anonymous]

"Why the hell would marry someone like that? What a horrible position you have put your son in! Since you mention you have younger children with this man, I assume, he has been in your/your older son's life for many years? Was your husband any nicer to your son when he was younger?"

I guess I should have been more clear about the relationship between my husband and son. Before we got married and before we had our first child together, who was extremely colicky, my husband and my son had a better relationship. My son was 10 when we started dating and they did get along then and actually seemed to have fun together, however that was short-lived when our first child was born. My oldest son was used to just he and I for the first 10 years of his life, so it was quiet and he was happy with how his environment was. Then it was turned totally upside down when I remarried, had more children and moved him to another home. He did know that I wanted to remarry and have more children as I discussed it with him beforehand. He has always been mature for his age and understand things at a younger age than I thought he would.

Neither my husband nor my son are without fault in the relationship as it is a two way street, so to speak. I believe my son resents the fact that I remarried, had more children and disrupted his quiet life. My husband thinks I baby my son and have let him get away with more than I should have. He also feels I choose my son over him in certain situations. That's probably true because he's my son and I felt I always had to make up for his biological father's mistakes.

Anyway, the more I think about it the more I think he deserves the bigger room because he has overcome a lot not only since I remarried, but even before that when we moved around so much. I know he will only be here another year or two before he decides to go away to finish college. He said if I let him have the larger room he would do all the moving of furniture and cleaning of each room. I still haven't made a firm decision, but I did tell him he has to continue to keep things as clean as possible.

Someone else mentioned the cleanliness of my other children's room. You're right, it's far from being clean and we're working on that. My husband isn't the best at remembering to clean either, so I remind him he can't have a double standard. He really likes that reminder! Our family isn't perfect, far from it of course, but who's family is perfect?

[Anonymous]

He wants the larger room, in part to have a place to put a desk and study. He is in college and certainly deserves a place to do his homework. Especially, if you or your DH encouraged him to pick an in-state school and live at home.

[Anonymous]

Well, if he keeps his promise to keep his current area clean, I don't see why you would not allow him to switch as requested, since the other area seems underutilized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"Why the hell would marry someone like that? What a horrible position you have put your son in! Since you mention you have younger children with this man, I assume, he has been in your/your older son's life for many years? Was your husband any nicer to your son when he was younger?"

I guess I should have been more clear about the relationship between my husband and son. Before we got married and before we had our first child together, who was extremely colicky, my husband and my son had a better relationship. My son was 10 when we started dating and they did get along then and actually seemed to have fun together, however that was short-lived when our first child was born. My oldest son was used to just he and I for the first 10 years of his life, so it was quiet and he was happy with how his environment was. Then it was turned totally upside down when I remarried, had more children and moved him to another home. He did know that I wanted to remarry and have more children as I discussed it with him beforehand. He has always been mature for his age and understand things at a younger age than I thought he would.

Neither my husband nor my son are without fault in the relationship as it is a two way street, so to speak. I believe my son resents the fact that I remarried, had more children and disrupted his quiet life. My husband thinks I baby my son and have let him get away with more than I should have. He also feels I choose my son over him in certain situations. That's probably true because he's my son and I felt I always had to make up for his biological father's mistakes.

Anyway, the more I think about it the more I think he deserves the bigger room because he has overcome a lot not only since I remarried, but even before that when we moved around so much. I know he will only be here another year or two before he decides to go away to finish college. He said if I let him have the larger room he would do all the moving of furniture and cleaning of each room. I still haven't made a firm decision, but I did tell him he has to continue to keep things as clean as possible.

Someone else mentioned the cleanliness of my other children's room. You're right, it's far from being clean and we're working on that. My husband isn't the best at remembering to clean either, so I remind him he can't have a double standard. He really likes that reminder! Our family isn't perfect, far from it of course, but who's family is perfect?

It is yours and your husband's problem, because you were adults when you were married, your son was not. He had no choice. Your husband did, and he chose to marry you with the step son, I guess with the assumption that he would treat him the same as his own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"Why the hell would marry someone like that? What a horrible position you have put your son in! Since you mention you have younger children with this man, I assume, he has been in your/your older son's life for many years? Was your husband any nicer to your son when he was younger?"

I guess I should have been more clear about the relationship between my husband and son. Before we got married and before we had our first child together, who was extremely colicky, my husband and my son had a better relationship. My son was 10 when we started dating and they did get along then and actually seemed to have fun together, however that was short-lived when our first child was born. My oldest son was used to just he and I for the first 10 years of his life, so it was quiet and he was happy with how his environment was. Then it was turned totally upside down when I remarried, had more children and moved him to another home. He did know that I wanted to remarry and have more children as I discussed it with him beforehand. He has always been mature for his age and understand things at a younger age than I thought he would.

Neither my husband nor my son are without fault in the relationship as it is a two way street, so to speak. I believe my son resents the fact that I remarried, had more children and disrupted his quiet life. My husband thinks I baby my son and have let him get away with more than I should have. He also feels I choose my son over him in certain situations. That's probably true because he's my son and I felt I always had to make up for his biological father's mistakes.

Anyway, the more I think about it the more I think he deserves the bigger room because he has overcome a lot not only since I remarried, but even before that when we moved around so much. I know he will only be here another year or two before he decides to go away to finish college. He said if I let him have the larger room he would do all the moving of furniture and cleaning of each room. I still haven't made a firm decision, but I did tell him he has to continue to keep things as clean as possible.

Someone else mentioned the cleanliness of my other children's room. You're right, it's far from being clean and we're working on that. My husband isn't the best at remembering to clean either, so I remind him he can't have a double standard. He really likes that reminder! Our family isn't perfect, far from it of course, but who's family is perfect?

And on this two way street, one was a child, and one was an adult. There is definitely more culpability on one sidd than the ohter. Your son had no choice in the matter, the other did.

Just out of curiousity: what country is your husband from? I'm not from the US originally either--but I can't offhand think of a country other than the US that encourages their children to move away at 18. So I don't think it's cultural, but rather some resentement on the part of your husband--whoreally does come across like a jerk here.

[Anonymous]

12:51 one here. Looks like 12:48 and I pretty much had the same thought....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Just out of curiousity: what country is your husband from? I'm not from the US originally either--but I can't offhand think of a country other than the US that encourages their children to move away at 18. So I don't think it's cultural, but rather some resentement on the part of your husband--whoreally does come across like a jerk here.

I was wondering the same thing!

[Anonymous]

OP, believe in your kid and give him a shot. Let him live up to your positive expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just out of curiousity: what country is your husband from? I'm not from the US originally either--but I can't offhand think of a country other than the US that encourages their children to move away at 18. So I don't think it's cultural, but rather some resentement on the part of your husband--whoreally does come across like a jerk here.

I was wondering the same thing!

This is true. My husband was sent for by his father when he was 15, so he has spent more of his life here than his country. A year after being here, his father wanted to ship him back and he had to leave his father's house in the middle of the night to go stay with a relative because he wanted to stay in this country. He was on his own from the time he was 18, working, going to school and paying his own rent, so I guess that's why he thinks my son should be off on his own doing the same. I keep reminding him that this situation is different and I would not put my son out simply because my husband was on his own at the same age. Yes, my husband does sound like an ass after reading what I wrote and the responses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

"Why the hell would marry someone like that? What a horrible position you have put your son in! Since you mention you have younger children with this man, I assume, he has been in your/your older son's life for many years? Was your husband any nicer to your son when he was younger?"

I guess I should have been more clear about the relationship between my husband and son. Before we got married and before we had our first child together, who was extremely colicky, my husband and my son had a better relationship. My son was 10 when we started dating and they did get along then and actually seemed to have fun together, however that was short-lived when our first child was born. My oldest son was used to just he and I for the first 10 years of his life, so it was quiet and he was happy with how his environment was. Then it was turned totally upside down when I remarried, had more children and moved him to another home. He did know that I wanted to remarry and have more children as I discussed it with him beforehand. He has always been mature for his age and understand things at a younger age than I thought he would.

Neither my husband nor my son are without fault in the relationship as it is a two way street, so to speak. I believe my son resents the fact that I remarried, had more children and disrupted his quiet life. My husband thinks I baby my son and have let him get away with more than I should have. He also feels I choose my son over him in certain situations. That's probably true because he's my son and I felt I always had to make up for his biological father's mistakes.

Anyway, the more I think about it the more I think he deserves the bigger room because he has overcome a lot not only since I remarried, but even before that when we moved around so much. I know he will only be here another year or two before he decides to go away to finish college. He said if I let him have the larger room he would do all the moving of furniture and cleaning of each room. I still haven't made a firm decision, but I did tell him he has to continue to keep things as clean as possible.

Someone else mentioned the cleanliness of my other children's room. You're right, it's far from being clean and we're working on that. My husband isn't the best at remembering to clean either, so I remind him he can't have a double standard. He really likes that reminder! Our family isn't perfect, far from it of course, but who's family is perfect?

It is yours and your husband's problem, because you were adults when you were married, your son was not. He had no choice. Your husband did, and he chose to marry you with the step son, I guess with the assumption that he would treat him the same as his own children.



I agree with this. The fault is 100% yours and your husband's. Your son was and is a CHILD. You SHOULD choose your son over your (selfish and immature) husband each and every time. He is YOUR CHILD. That is what you signed up for when you gave birth to him.

Your posts infuriate me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just out of curiousity: what country is your husband from? I'm not from the US originally either--but I can't offhand think of a country other than the US that encourages their children to move away at 18. So I don't think it's cultural, but rather some resentement on the part of your husband--whoreally does come across like a jerk here.

I was wondering the same thing!

This is true. My husband was sent for by his father when he was 15, so he has spent more of his life here than his country. A year after being here, his father wanted to ship him back and he had to leave his father's house in the middle of the night to go stay with a relative because he wanted to stay in this country. He was on his own from the time he was 18, working, going to school and paying his own rent, so I guess that's why he thinks my son should be off on his own doing the same. I keep reminding him that this situation is different and I would not put my son out simply because my husband was on his own at the same age. Yes, my husband does sound like an ass after reading what I wrote and the responses.

Um, yes. He not only sounds like an ass, he IS an ass.

Your first responsibility is to your son. He is working in school, tolerating his ass of a stepfather, and trying to make his way. For the love of God, support him in this endeavor. Have you forgotten that you are his MOTHER?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Just out of curiousity: what country is your husband from? I'm not from the US originally either--but I can't offhand think of a country other than the US that encourages their children to move away at 18. So I don't think it's cultural, but rather some resentement on the part of your husband--whoreally does come across like a jerk here.

I was wondering the same thing!

This is true. My husband was sent for by his father when he was 15, so he has spent more of his life here than his country. A year after being here, his father wanted to ship him back and he had to leave his father's house in the middle of the night to go stay with a relative because he wanted to stay in this country. He was on his own from the time he was 18, working, going to school and paying his own rent, so I guess that's why he thinks my son should be off on his own doing the same. I keep reminding him that this situation is different and I would not put my son out simply because my husband was on his own at the same age. Yes, my husband does sound like an ass after reading what I wrote and the responses.

So his father was clearly an ass. One would think that would give him more empathy, not less. I feel really sorry for your sons. How can you be sure he won't be like this when your others are older? Don't set a bad precedent for them, because they ARE watching. And your oldest sounds like he's been through enough. It IS your job as his mother to help him find his way, which does not equate to coddling him. Just to helping him.



We would all still like to know what country, though. (Again, not US born either--so not prone to anti-foreign judgment).

[Anonymous]

Your son sounds like a great kid despite going through all the crap from the adults in his life. Give him the larger, unused room. He won't be around for long. Best wishes to him!