18 year old son and request for larger basement room

[Anonymous]

I have an 18 year old son, soon to be 19, who just started college at Montgomery College over the summer. We have two rooms in the basement and the one he is using is really small. He has been asking to switch to the larger basement room, which we have been using as a playroom for our three younger boys and is where I exercise. The boys rarely go down there to play and when they do it's usually to play the Wii. My husband, who is my older son's stepfather, is dead-set against letting him switch over to the larger room, mainly because he is not paying rent and does not keep the room and bathroom in the basement clean. I'm kind of split because I agree with my husband regarding the not keeping the rooms clean, but I also understand my son's point. He is an adult now and in college, so he would like the larger room so when he has friends over there is a place for them to sit besides on his bed, as well as having a larger space to put a desk where he can do his homework. I just wanted to see what other people's thoughts were.

[Anonymous]

Why can't he hang out in the playroom with friends since no one else is down there mist of the time. The mess in the larger room would drive me nuts...no way would I give him the bigger room.

[Anonymous]

Is he a full time student? I only ask because it would be ridiculous in my mind to charge him rent if he is a full time student who happens to live at home. Why not keep him in his small room but make the playroom/exercise room more hangout friendly for him? I get needing your own space at that age but I can assure you that if he lived in a college dorm he would have less space. Plus you don't want to make him too comfortable!

[Anonymous]

How well do your son and husband get along?

Do you have an expectation he is paying rent and he just isn't paying or is their no rent agreement? you can't hold not paying rent against him if that isn't an expectation.

Does it really matter if the small room and bathroom are dirty or the big room and bathroom are dirty? Maybe if he had more space and was therefore inviting friends over he would clean the room more for the sake of the friends. If he isn't holding up his bargain for cleanliness I would address this but probably not by digging heels in and keeping him in the small room.

I would let him move - the other room is barely used and this sounds to me like a step dad trying to exert some authority/power over a step son he doesn't have a great relationship with who he thinks is spoiled and lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How well do your son and husband get along?

Do you have an expectation he is paying rent and he just isn't paying or is their no rent agreement? you can't hold not paying rent against him if that isn't an expectation.

Does it really matter if the small room and bathroom are dirty or the big room and bathroom are dirty? Maybe if he had more space and was therefore inviting friends over he would clean the room more for the sake of the friends. If he isn't holding up his bargain for cleanliness I would address this but probably not by digging heels in and keeping him in the small room.

I would let him move - the other room is barely used and this sounds to me like a step dad trying to exert some authority/power over a step son he doesn't have a great relationship with who he thinks is spoiled and lazy.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't let him move, but I have a small house and I can't imagine giving up that much space.

Why can't you all work together and make the larger room a space that better-meets everyone's needs. He can have a sitting room (that he keeps clean) and you still have the space for the kids and exercise. I can see why he needs some more private space than a small room, but I don't see why he gets to be the sole owner.

Also think about why he doesn't feel comfortable sitting upstairs with his friends.

[Anonymous]

3.5 GPA this semester and he gets the bigger room. Done.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. I wouldn't want him getting comfortable staying. He should be hungry to move out. Don't let him be complacent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. I wouldn't want him getting comfortable staying. He should be hungry to move out. Don't let him be complacent.

If he is a member of the family and there is an agreement he would stay home during college then I am not sure why you would want a family member to be uncomfortable in their own home. He likely already feels uncomfortable being the odd man out in the family. There is mom and dad and the cute little boys then there is 18 yr old living in the basement...not part of that nuclear family but not yet old enough to be out on his own. It is a really hard place to be in or many teens. I am not sure that moving to a bigger room is going to keep him living in the basement for years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. I wouldn't want him getting comfortable staying. He should be hungry to move out. Don't let him be complacent.

If he is a member of the family and there is an agreement he would stay home during college then I am not sure why you would want a family member to be uncomfortable in their own home. He likely already feels uncomfortable being the odd man out in the family. There is mom and dad and the cute little boys then there is 18 yr old living in the basement...not part of that nuclear family but not yet old enough to be out on his own. It is a really hard place to be in or many teens. I am not sure that moving to a bigger room is going to keep him living in the basement for years

Totally agree. You expressed my thoughts very well. It's not even a hard question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. I wouldn't want him getting comfortable staying. He should be hungry to move out. Don't let him be complacent.

If he is a member of the family and there is an agreement he would stay home during college then I am not sure why you would want a family member to be uncomfortable in their own home. He likely already feels uncomfortable being the odd man out in the family. There is mom and dad and the cute little boys then there is 18 yr old living in the basement...not part of that nuclear family but not yet old enough to be out on his own. It is a really hard place to be in or many teens. I am not sure that moving to a bigger room is going to keep him living in the basement for years

Totally agree. You expressed my thoughts very well. It's not even a hard question.

I'm a stepmom and I agree.

[Anonymous]

We don't know whether there was an agreement for him to stay home. Maybe he effed around during HS and did not get in to any 4 year colleges or didn't apply and community college was his last resort. I wouldn't want my 18 year old thinking that he or she would have resources without earning them.

[Anonymous]

My parents gave me the third floor when I started college. It was my bedroom, a larger room that I made a living room and a bathroom. The stairway was closed off so I was on my own up there. I saved a ton of money that way and my parents and I kept our sanity. I am the baby so by the time I left my dad had children in the house for 34 years. Obliging me for 4 years was no big deal in light of where I was when I graduated and left. Giving him some space for a few years won't kill you and will probably build a stronger adult relationship with your son.

[Anonymous]

Why not give him money for room and board or an apartment

[Anonymous]

OP , just to clarify, is your 18 year old son yours from a previous relationship? And are the younger kids from your current relationship?

If so, I would tread carefully.
And if no one is using the larger room, I would let him have it.