18 year old son and request for larger basement room

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't know whether there was an agreement for him to stay home. Maybe he effed around during HS and did not get in to any 4 year colleges or didn't apply and community college was his last resort. I wouldn't want my 18 year old thinking that he or she would have resources without earning them.

I wondered this, too. My guess from reading OP's post was that the step-dad was not happy with what the 18-year-old is doing with his life, so why should he want to reward him? But maybe I'm reading too much into it.

OP, it's possible that some more details would help people. What was the original agreement about college? Is your DH happy with the situation (other than DS's wanting a bigger room)?

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe you've already thought about this but what about taking the 2nd, larger room and doing a minor "re-do" to have a play corner, a workout corner and maybe a futon, TV on a stand, small coffee table and if room a chair, to give DS (and others) a small area to entertain and hang out that is not the bedroom?

He may then feel his current, smaller room is OK since he has some defined space for hanging out.

[Anonymous]

After having gone through this with my DD - If the room is being underutilized anyways, I would give him the larger room on the firm condition that he maintain MY approved level of upkeep. I think it is non-sense to ruin the family dymanic over something like this - especially with step parents and half-siblings around. And let me tell you, it will not keep your son from moving out when he is able.

However, and I cannnot state this emphatically enough. If DH is adamant about not giving 18YO DS the room and you decide to agree with DH, I would make it crystal clear that if 18YO DS does not get it, NONE of the boys get it in the future. No double standards!

[Anonymous]

I would either give him the bigger room as his bedroom, or turn the bigger room into more of a family entertainment room. TV, couches, radio, small fridge with soda/water. That way he can have a place for his friends to hang out.

Also, I would make it clear that he is to keep his room and bathroom clean. He is 18, that is unacceptable. I make my 12 year old clean/tidy and vacuum his bedroom every weekend as well as his bathroom.

[Anonymous]

Yeah the only thing that bugs me is the lack of cleanliness. Otherwise, DEFINITELY give him the bigger room. For all the reasons cited by PPs. I would like to think if he got the bigger room, he'd be motivated to keep it and the bathroom clean. Or maybe you could make a deal with him. You'll redo the big room for him around Christmas if he keeps the bathroom clean now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. I wouldn't want him getting comfortable staying. He should be hungry to move out. Don't let him be complacent.[/quote?

Why this attitude? He is a family member like others. In may cultures different generations live together. Why are American so anxious to get rid of their children the second they turn 18?

Let your son move, make him comfortable, I don't see what's the harm.

[Anonymous]

I think FIRST he keeps the room and bathroom clean and his grades up, THEN he gets the bigger room.

No way he'd going to keep them cleaner just because his friends are coming over and would see it.

[Anonymous]

The room isn't being used. It won't be any inconvenience to anyone to have your son get the bigger room. I don't see the problem here. Frankly, your husband sounds like an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't know whether there was an agreement for him to stay home. Maybe he effed around during HS and did not get in to any 4 year colleges or didn't apply and community college was his last resort. I wouldn't want my 18 year old thinking that he or she would have resources without earning them.

I wanted to address this comment, as well as a few others.

Actually, my son did very well in high school and had a 3.5 grade point average with half of his classes Honors or AP. He did get into each of the four schools he applied to, but they were all out of state and I told him that he would have to take out a student loan if he chose to go to school out of state. We discussed the community college option and getting his core courses out of the way much cheaper and then he can go away his junior and senior years. He agreed that was a better option financially.

As far as the cleanliness part, his definition of cleaning and mine are totally different, which I understand and do not expect him to clean the way I do. He is busy during the week and does his "cleaning" on Saturday or Sunday around his work hours.

He and his stepfather have never really had that great of a relationship and my husband seems determined to keep him in his place and make sure he knows who is the man of the house. My husband seems to be jealous of my relationship with my son and thinks he should just be out of the house simply because he's 18. He's from a different country and was brought up differently than me, so maybe that's where his way of thinking comes in.

A decision still has not been made because I don't want to make a decision that goes against what my husband decides. I did tell my son that even before making a decision, he needs to continue the weekly cleaning but do a better job at making sure things are really clean. I still have to discuss things with my husband and figure out what the best option for everyone would be.

[Anonymous]

No. Dorm rooms are usually even smaller than rooms at home. He doesn't need a larger room, he needs to keep his room cleaner and can use the room next door as a room to overflow into with friends if it isn't being used. My room sure didn't magically get bigger when I turned 18. Also, you reward taking care of things. It doesn't sound like he's making a huge effort at that.

[Anonymous]

OP, your son sounds like a great kid; your husband doesn't sound so great at all by comparison.

It's a shame you can't find a way to help your son get out of the house and away from living under the roof of a man who resents him and is jealous of the the relationship the poor kid has with HIS MOM. For Pete's sake.

Whatever you decide, be nice to your son. Sounds like he's going through a lot. I appreciate his desire to not take out too many loans. Shame your husband doesn't support your son more, but I guess what can you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't know whether there was an agreement for him to stay home. Maybe he effed around during HS and did not get in to any 4 year colleges or didn't apply and community college was his last resort. I wouldn't want my 18 year old thinking that he or she would have resources without earning them.

I wanted to address this comment, as well as a few others.

Actually, my son did very well in high school and had a 3.5 grade point average with half of his classes Honors or AP. He did get into each of the four schools he applied to, but they were all out of state and I told him that he would have to take out a student loan if he chose to go to school out of state. We discussed the community college option and getting his core courses out of the way much cheaper and then he can go away his junior and senior years. He agreed that was a better option financially.

As far as the cleanliness part, his definition of cleaning and mine are totally different, which I understand and do not expect him to clean the way I do. He is busy during the week and does his "cleaning" on Saturday or Sunday around his work hours.

He and his stepfather have never really had that great of a relationship and my husband seems determined to keep him in his place and make sure he knows who is the man of the house. My husband seems to be jealous of my relationship with my son and thinks he should just be out of the house simply because he's 18. He's from a different country and was brought up differently than me, so maybe that's where his way of thinking comes in.

A decision still has not been made because I don't want to make a decision that goes against what my husband decides. I did tell my son that even before making a decision, he needs to continue the weekly cleaning but do a better job at making sure things are really clean. I still have to discuss things with my husband and figure out what the best option for everyone would be.

Please do not let your son down, op. Your husband sounds like a major asshole.

[Anonymous]

Op, it sounds like you have a lovely boy, and the fight really isnt about the room, but about your son's place inthe family. My question to you:

Why are you content to have your boy treated as a second class citizen I his own home?

What relationship do you want with your son when he is older, has more options, and he has faced the fact that you care more about your own marriage than you do about your own offspring?

I really don't care about the cultural baggage your husband brings--that is a cover and a hedge. This is about you and your choices. You.

Those are the real questions, and not the size of the room. If your house is big enough for a playroom, it is big enough for everyone who needs it to have a quiet and comfortable work space. What do the rooms of the little kids look like? I bet sun drenched and lovely.

[Anonymous]

I am a PP who said to keep him in the smaller room but make the larger room more hangout friendly-- this is hard. It sounds like you raise a good kid who is making good decisions, which will never be good enough for your husband. I do say tread very carefully. If he gets the big room I see you DH taking it out on him. This is very tough. I feel really bad that you have put your child in this position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He and his stepfather have never really had that great of a relationship and my husband seems determined to keep him in his place and make sure he knows who is the man of the house. My husband seems to be jealous of my relationship with my son and thinks he should just be out of the house simply because he's 18. He's from a different country and was brought up differently than me, so maybe that's where his way of thinking comes in.

A decision still has not been made because I don't want to make a decision that goes against what my husband decides. I did tell my son that even before making a decision, he needs to continue the weekly cleaning but do a better job at making sure things are really clean. I still have to discuss things with my husband and figure out what the best option for everyone would be.

Why the hell would marry someone like that? What a horrible position you have put your son in! Since you mention you have younger children with this man, I assume, he has been in your/your older son's life for many years? Was your husband any nicer to your son when he was younger?