DH interested in nightly sex -- am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A need for nightly sex is not normal.

Hand him some porn and a bottle of lube and tell him to go take care of himself while you get some sleep.

I married to an Asian woman; I don't have this problem!

What does this mean?? Asian women don't complain about doing it daily??

[Anonymous]

Sure don't; part of their culture.

[Anonymous]

OP, you should find a calm time to have a conversation with your husband about this, about the needs and expectations both of you have. Tell him you want to communicate openly and hear him and be heard, rather than have him being upset and showing through "sarcastic comments about needs not being met." Really try to avoid interrupting -- let each other have a say, and empathize.

The communication breakdown seems like the bigger issue to me, rather than the actual number of times per week you have sex. Sullen little sarcastic comments will poison a marriage. Get it out in the open.

FWIW, my husband wants to get off daily and I've made clear that I'm 100% okay with that, but it can't always be with me; I just do not have the energy or drive for that and I would start to resent it. We do it maybe 3 times a week, and the other 4 he's on his own. I give him time and space and my total blessing to watch porn online!

[Anonymous]

Ha. If my husband told me that there is an expectation that we have sex nightly I wouldn't even be mad, I'd just laugh. And laugh and tell him good luck with that.

And we have sex fairly regularly given that we have a baby about the age of yours (perhaps twice a week) - which, judging from conversations w/ friends and Mom's groups, is more than about 95% of them!

[Anonymous]

I also have a husband that wants sex daily. I'm more of a 2-3 times a week type girl. Our kids are 3 and 5 now and at least they're sleeping through the night usually, but I am so exhausted by the time we get in bed, the last thing I feel like doing is exerting myself further. We had a TOUGH time in the early years of parenting because his desire for nightly sex did not wane and he felt very rejected very frequently.

We actually hit a serious low point that had a lot to do with the "lack" of sex. Keep in mind we were having sex at least twice a week still even with newborns and full-time jobs.

I think he wasn't only upset about the frequency but also my interest. You can tell when someone is just going through the motions.

Anyway, nowadays, I shoot for 5 times a week, which seems like a good compromise and similarly make it known that I have no issue with masturbation. I also have found that I am more interested in the morning or during nap time because I'm not totally exhausted. Frequently I just give him a really good BJ, which is more than fine with. It's less effort to give him oral when I'm exhausted for some reason.

No advice really except just to do it. Honestly it's not worth the stress it causes him and our marriage even though I don't understand it. It's just something about him that I had to accept and commit to. And like PP's said, I try to remind myself that it's awesome that he's interested and wants me so much. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man and SAHD. I see it like this: Before there were any kids, there was just you and him. It may be difficult to keep up your pre-kid routine, but you need to do your absolute best. Having kids may be as much of a strain on you as it is him and (I know for me) sex is the ultimate stress reliever. Being denied it, just compounds the stress even further. So many relationships fail after kids and I really think it's due to the mentality of "I'm tired because we have kids." If he's not pulling his weight, then that's a different issue altogether. But my opinion is that a happy marriage is one where sex is abundant. No one should be denied that in a marriage (there are exceptions of course). It's the one thing you can't get from someone else (at least you shouldn't). I can talk about my problems to anybody. I can share a laugh, but sex is between me and my wife and if she isn't giving it then that's a problem. Just make him do all the work and lay there and take a nap if it sucks. Now if he's a crappy lover then that's his problem.

I hate that--sex as a stress reliever. You know what's a stress reliever for OP? SLEEP! And I mean sleep without the guilt trip before and after. Sheesh! Get a stress ball. Don't make your wife into one!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man and SAHD. I see it like this: Before there were any kids, there was just you and him. It may be difficult to keep up your pre-kid routine, but you need to do your absolute best. Having kids may be as much of a strain on you as it is him and (I know for me) sex is the ultimate stress reliever. Being denied it, just compounds the stress even further. So many relationships fail after kids and I really think it's due to the mentality of "I'm tired because we have kids." If he's not pulling his weight, then that's a different issue altogether. But my opinion is that a happy marriage is one where sex is abundant. No one should be denied that in a marriage (there are exceptions of course). It's the one thing you can't get from someone else (at least you shouldn't). I can talk about my problems to anybody. I can share a laugh, but sex is between me and my wife and if she isn't giving it then that's a problem. Just make him do all the work and lay there and take a nap if it sucks. Now if he's a crappy lover then that's his problem.

I hate that--sex as a stress reliever. You know what's a stress reliever for OP? SLEEP! And I mean sleep without the guilt trip before and after. Sheesh! Get a stress ball. Don't make your wife into one!

I know, how dare that MAN have wants and needs too!

Remember, moms, kid first, then you, then your job, then your friends, then hubby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A need for nightly sex is not normal.

Hand him some porn and a bottle of lube and tell him to go take care of himself while you get some sleep.

I married to an Asian woman; I don't have this problem!

What does this mean?? Asian women don't complain about doing it daily??

Nonsense. My Asian DW hasn't given it up for a month already.

[Anonymous]

Someone once told me how when she was married, sex was expected every-other night. I was horrified. I can't imagine having someone pawing at me all the time like that. I'd never be able to stand it. And I'm far from a prude. I just prefer to actually work up an appetite before I sate it. Sex every day or every other day, to me, turns it into a merely biological function. There's no desire, no hunger. I couldn't live like that.
In your situation, I would say that your husband needs to understand that sex is a challenge with small children in the house. As you get over that challenge, I guess you need to address the deeper issue of your overall sexual compatibility. If he married a woman who liked it every day, it will be unfair for you to deny him that going forward.

This is one of the reasons why I never want to live full time with a man again. I would so much rather have our weekly dates be special, be excited to see him, and full of desire, rather than feeling like I'm being used so he can just get his rocks off. Gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a man and SAHD. I see it like this: Before there were any kids, there was just you and him. It may be difficult to keep up your pre-kid routine, but you need to do your absolute best. Having kids may be as much of a strain on you as it is him and (I know for me) sex is the ultimate stress reliever. Being denied it, just compounds the stress even further. So many relationships fail after kids and I really think it's due to the mentality of "I'm tired because we have kids." If he's not pulling his weight, then that's a different issue altogether. But my opinion is that a happy marriage is one where sex is abundant. No one should be denied that in a marriage (there are exceptions of course). It's the one thing you can't get from someone else (at least you shouldn't). I can talk about my problems to anybody. I can share a laugh, but sex is between me and my wife and if she isn't giving it then that's a problem. Just make him do all the work and lay there and take a nap if it sucks. Now if he's a crappy lover then that's his problem.

I hate that--sex as a stress reliever. You know what's a stress reliever for OP? SLEEP! And I mean sleep without the guilt trip before and after. Sheesh! Get a stress ball. Don't make your wife into one!

I know, how dare that MAN have wants and needs too!

Remember, moms, kid first, then you, then your job, then your friends, then hubby.

So even by your list DW is putting herself second, and you are still complaining. Whereas your list looks something like: me first (MAN needs), then my job... ah... then maybe everyone else.


I think this basically summarizes why things unravel into sexless marriages...!

[Anonymous]

9:24 I think you have an excellent point. I'm one of the PPs whose husband wants nightly sex and we had a tough time for so long because he wanted to be my #1 priority at all times even at the expense of my own needs. Couldn't understand why it would be fluid - him, the kids, me, job, house, family, friends - each would have their turn being the priority at times. It did strike me as really whiny that he would complain that I would go out with friends but not have sex with him that night bc I was too tired when I got home knowing I'd have to be up with the baby in a couple hours. In his mind, that was putting my friends and our kids needs above his (I don't think it occurred to him that my needs needed to fit in there somewhere too). Sure I was - THAT night. There were other nights I'd put his needs first, but it couldn't be every night. I don't think he really got that for a long time and to some extent he still doesn't.

[Anonymous]

And they make an awesome stir fry....

[Anonymous]

Someone once told me how when she was married, sex was expected every-other night. I was horrified. I can't imagine having someone pawing at me all the time like that. I'd never be able to stand it. And I'm far from a prude. I just prefer to actually work up an appetite before I sate it. Sex every day or every other day, to me, turns it into a merely biological function. There's no desire, no hunger. I couldn't live like that.
In your situation, I would say that your husband needs to understand that sex is a challenge with small children in the house. As you get over that challenge, I guess you need to address the deeper issue of your overall sexual compatibility. If he married a woman who liked it every day, it will be unfair for you to deny him that going forward.

This is one of the reasons why I never want to live full time with a man again. I would so much rather have our weekly dates be special, be excited to see him, and full of desire, rather than feeling like I'm being used so he can just get his rocks off. Gross.

You are a good candidate for a sister wife. Maybe like the sixth or seventh wife when the guy is older(60's), you could have the life of your dreams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Print out one of the sexless threads and show it to him.

Exactly! DH gets it really often, and he says the more he gets, the more he wants. I tell him that he should go complain at the water cooler about all the BJs I've given him this week, and see how much sympathy he gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Someone once told me how when she was married, sex was expected every-other night. I was horrified. I can't imagine having someone pawing at me all the time like that. I'd never be able to stand it. And I'm far from a prude. I just prefer to actually work up an appetite before I sate it. Sex every day or every other day, to me, turns it into a merely biological function. There's no desire, no hunger. I couldn't live like that.
In your situation, I would say that your husband needs to understand that sex is a challenge with small children in the house. As you get over that challenge, I guess you need to address the deeper issue of your overall sexual compatibility. If he married a woman who liked it every day, it will be unfair for you to deny him that going forward.

This is one of the reasons why I never want to live full time with a man again. I would so much rather have our weekly dates be special, be excited to see him, and full of desire, rather than feeling like I'm being used so he can just get his rocks off. Gross.

So much about this post is so sad. Sex should not be mutual or one-sided masturbation. It should be a union of souls. I can't imagine not wanting that every day of my life with the love of my life, or at least as often as possible. If I didn't have responsibilities, I would just make love to my husband endlessly.

So, so sad.