DH interested in nightly sex -- am I being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

We have a 3YO and 9 month old. Between the two of them, one of us is getting up every night. Lately DH wants to have sex every night. I am generally happy about that except for the nights when the kids haven't been sleeping well or I've been nursing the infant who is still in the process of being night weaned. DH feels rejected on those nights and says I make it seem like sex is a chore. This is not my intention. I'm just physically exhausted and am asleep by 9pm or whenever the toddler finally goes to bed. DH makes me feel guilty when the next morning he makes sarcastic comments about needs not being met.

What is the best way to handle this so both of us our happy and understanding the other persons needs?

[Anonymous]

DH and I have had sex twice in the past three months. You all are having more sex than anyone else with kids.

Print out one of the sexless threads and show it to him.

[Anonymous]

A need for nightly sex is not normal.

Hand him some porn and a bottle of lube and tell him to go take care of himself while you get some sleep.

[Anonymous]

He is being a big selfish baby. You guys are lucky there is any sex going on at all.

[Anonymous]

Tell him that if he wants to meet his needs, he needs to take care of himself in the shower.

Then, if you have enough energy to get it on, it'll be like a bonus.

[Anonymous]

Gosh, this is depressing.

Nightly sex is not normal? Why not?

OP, sex is supposed to be a renewal of the marriage vows, a total giving of one to the other. The problem I see is that your husband is taking, rather than giving. Sex should always be both spouses giving of themselves.

The solution is not masturbation, but a renewed understanding of what sex means. Your husband needs to fix himself, not find a new way to be selfish. Because any energy he put into porn would be taken from you. You deserve all of him.

So instead of listening to this nonsense that you should encourage your husband to become even more self-centered, you should speak to him lovingly and say that sex is an expression of love, and you are always wanting to express your love that way, and assume he is, too. But sometimes, love needs to be expressed through meeting the needs of the kids, or other, more immediate needs. That is just as profund an expression of love as sex, because it is giving of oneself, selflessly. Explain that will make him even more sexy to you, to share that mutual understanding "how I wish we could just be making love right now, but I know you feel the same way, and you are putting aside your desire for the sake of our beautiful children, or for the sake of my health or my sanity. I am so thankful for that act of love."

I would hope that these ideas do not come as a shock to him. If they do, well, he had farther to go, but he can do it. It's called being a good man.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to grow up and realize that it's not all about him. Every night is not normal with kids that young draining your energy.

[Anonymous]

What about a BJ?

A marriage is about compromise - sometimes he won't get what he wants, but sometimes you'll do it even if you just want to sleep.

Maybe not every single night, but personally I'd love it if DH was a bit more like when we were in our 20s. Frequent sex is good for the marriage, seriously.

[Anonymous]

When I was breast feeding, I pumped now and then and had milk in storage. My solution would be this. I would give him all the sex he wanted (he could even chose what types of acts, positions, etc.) as long as he was the one that did night duty and allowed me to get 8 hours sleep. He could warm up milk from the storage. That would seem like a fair compromise. After a few sleepless nights I'm sure his sex drive would settle down. If not, you are getting your sleep and both are having lots of sex. Win win.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go with the "you need to tell him he needs to . . . " advice. But, I think it's reasonable to tell him you still think he's hot, he's a priority in your life, and you still think of him as a husband and a lover; not just a dad. But, every night is just exhausting. Then feel free to point out that 3-4 nights per week is still probably more frequently than 80% of the population. And probably 99% if you take the population of couples with two kids, the youngest of whom is under a year old.

[Anonymous]

Every night is nice but for your DH to expect it is crazy. DH and I have sex 4-5 times a week and every once in awhile he'll jokingly say it's been "a whole 24 hours" since he had sex. I tell him to come to these boards and read the posts by men whose wives haven't had sex with them in YEARS and get back to me.

[Anonymous]

Daytime sex?

[Anonymous]

It's not right for him to make you feel like you did something wrong or neglectful when you needed to sleep in order to feel rested. He needs to communicate in a more open and not passive-aggressive manner, and he needs to understand that you have needs, too. The next time he mentions his "needs," mention your own needs -- to get sleep so that you can take care of the children, work, manage household chores, etc.

Sex should be something that you both enjoy. It sounds like he is complaining on the one hand that you don't want to do it every night and then complaining on the other that you don't enjoy it when you agree to have sex every night but are exhausted. I think you should explain to him that you enjoying having sex when you are rested and able to focus on it. When you're exhausted, it's not possible to enjoy it. Perhaps you can give an estimated number of times per week that you think would be possible for you to enjoy having sex -- maybe 4-5 times, with other nights dedicated to resting up?

Is it possible that he's frustrated with not knowing ahead of time whether he can expect sex or not? Maybe there's a way to communicate earlier in the evening about your stress and exhaustion level. If he can anticipate that you aren't going to be up for sex, maybe he can accept that without having expectations.

Honestly, even before we had kids, we didn't have sex anywhere NEAR every day of the week -- usually 1-2 times a week.

[Anonymous]

Op 2 things. How often are you having sex? I can understand dh's feelings if he's constantly being turned down. However if your sex life is still very active then i think he's being a baby. I also really agree with pp about communicating beforehand. Of course it is going to feel like rejection if he is trying to get you in the mood and you aren't feeling it! Dh and i have done this and it made a huge difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What about a BJ?

A marriage is about compromise - sometimes he won't get what he wants, but sometimes you'll do it even if you just want to sleep.

Maybe not every single night, but personally I'd love it if DH was a bit more like when we were in our 20s. Frequent sex is good for the marriage, seriously.

+1

Just want to point out that it's not always the DH who wants it more. My own DH has almost no sex drive due to a medical reason... and at this moment I'm climbing the walls.

OP: I'll swap your DH for mine tonight if you want. Kidding of course... but if I allow myself to fantasize for a minute, I'd do anything for a c**k right now.