Child-proofing the marriage

[Anonymous]

Make sure both you and your DH still have time for yourselves, time with friends, family time, and of course time together. Make sure that you make time to talk and reconnect. And of course, have fun! The first year or two can be tough, but it can also be wonderful!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make sure both you and your DH still have time for yourselves, time with friends, family time, and of course time together. Make sure that you make time to talk and reconnect. And of course, have fun! The first year or two can be tough, but it can also be wonderful!!

But realize you'll get virtually none of that the first six weeks or so. A trip to the grocery store with the baby while DH stays home with the baby will seem a wild extravagance!

[Anonymous]

There really is nothing that can prepare you. You just need to be willing to get help early.

[Anonymous]

It really depends on what is important to you and your relationship. My husband and I are both very social so it was critical to us to be able to maintain some of that. We get a sitter and go out together once/week. We also take turns going out separately with our friends. I have book club and regular girls nights, and my husband has poker nights. We also take turns sleeping in on weekends.

Some people don't need date nights that much, but for us it is very important. We also go away a few times/year for a one-night getaway and once/year for a long weekend.

[Anonymous]

It will be really easy and tempting to get into pissing contests--I'm more tired! No, I work harder! Just step away from these lose-lose arguments. No one ever wins. Accept that you can't split the labor 50-50 and assume positive intentions. I breastfed, so that meant I was the one getting up in the middle of the night. It didn't make me the one who was working the hardest. My partner was doing other things like laundry and meals.

[Anonymous]

This is a really good question. As you can see by the wildly different advice, the answer is going to be as unique as you and your DH are. I can say this as someone whose marriage took a beating with the arrival of our first child, but when all is said and done, I love the heck out of my DH. So here's my own skewed advice, based on what worked for us.

Be fluid. Funny co-sleeping came up. We're pretty non-crunchy. But DS was one of those babies I didn't really believe existed until I had one. Colicky, 5-6 hours of nonstop crying daily, would basically only sleep while (yes, while!) nursing, or while one of us was walking around with him. We got a sling right away but it took me a long time to get over my bias against cosleeping. But it HELPED. And now we both kind of like it. Contrary to what many co-sleepers will tell you, though, our sex life absolutely did take a hit. Honestly, sometimes you have just enough energy to do it in bed, not to go do one another in the guest room. So if baby is in the bed, it's just as easy to roll over and go to sleep. There were definitely times I might have initiated if I knew that it didn't mean going into another room, etc, etc. However, there were not that many of these times because truthfully I was too damn tired for sex most of the time anyway. By the time we started emerging from the baby fog, then we absolutely did have the energy to be more creative about sex.

Be flexible and realize you may have to educate your husband (and he may have to educate you!). My husband helped. No, I didn't mispeak when I said "helped." He brought baby to me, he diapered baby, but at the end of the day (gosh, i'm full of cliches today, sorry!) I was the one nursing and comforting. When DS tried to take over, it didn't work as well. For a long time, we kept trying to make it 50/50, but in truth, this baby spent 9 months in my womb and was most comfortable in my arms. For many couples, the burden of BABY CARE (as opposed to everything else) falls squarely on mom. In my situation, DH tried splitting up baby duty (which didn't really work well, as baby was nursing) and then I think he had this expectation that I would pitch in 50/50 on housework, etc, as well. It doesn't work that way. My OB actually told DH when we were in the hospital "remember she is postpartum, she's not to be doing housework" and I thought to myself "how silly and old fashioned to say such a thing." But then even my evolved, awesome, totally-modern husband needed a reminder. I got mastitis and simply had to go to bed, and he was hit with the full impact of what I'd been doing. Shouldn't have let that happen. It caused resentment on both ends.

Be forgiving when you have to educate your partner (goes both ways) and resist the urge to compete for martyr award. Baby parenting gives you MAJOR tunnel vision. See paragraph above for how hard I felt it was on me, compared to my husband. If I were to call him into this room, I bet he'd talk about how hard he had it. Thing is, sometimes it's just so damn hard that it's impossible to imagine that someone else has it HARDER than you. In truth, I think I had it harder than my husband. I really do. And yet, now that DS is a toddler, my husband gets up at the crack of dawn with him so that I can sleep in. If you let the anger steep, then you'll ruin the chance for things to even out in the future. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon, and you need to let the other person take the headwind sometimes and the other person draft, so to speak.

Divide and conquer, sort of. Yes, take turns napping. Do NOT, as the woman, fall into the "only I can comfort my baby" even if it is partially true. (again, see paragraph above). Yes, only you (sometimes) can comfort your baby, but you simply must let DH have a turn at bat. I'm not talking about nursing, but when babe is fed, nappied, burped, and pissed off, DH should absolutely take baby around the block for a walk to give mama a break from crying and to let dad develop his own special bond. Try not to micromanage this but at the same time, if he doesn't think of it, suggest it. Definitely let DH handle baby so you can nap sometimes, and vice versa. Don't try to do EVERYTHING as a team, because then nobody is sleeping. Yet.....some of our (DH and I were just talking about this!) most treasured baby memories is DH waking up to just sit with me when I nursed at night. He didn't do much, sometimes he would tickle my hair, sometimes he'd just watch us. It made us feel like a team. An exhausted team, sure, but a team.

Date night. See how far down the list I put it? But it's totally personal. I don't think you'll find two couples who agree completely on this. For us, it was about recognizing that the world as we knew it was changing. We had one date night at 7 weeks and it was too soon, and we basically didn't have another one until 9 months or longer. It was really not fun for us to go out and spend money to look at one another's exhausted mugs across the table and think "we could be in bed sleeping!". The next time we hired a babysitter, it was to take a nap together. Consider doing this!

Sex. Another one that differs according to the couple. I can honestly say that I'm turned off by these "remember your husband is not last, give him sex" bits of advice. Of course, sex is important. We (DH and I) were definitely not having enough of it and of course DH doesn't love that. Yet, if he would have really let a brief (it really is brief in the scheme of things) blip in our sex history where I just couldn't bring myself to think of it as anything else than yet another obligation (and gosh, did we try) sometimes you have to take it easy on yourself. The times we DID have sex early on weren't healthy feeling for me. I just wanted nothing to do with it and resented my husband for trying. When I finally told him my sex drive had taken a hit, that I felt so spread thin that it seemed hard to fathom doing it, he was SO understanding. Once the pressure was off, I felt more able to try it more often. But honestly this was like once every three weeks at BEST. And thank god, DH was fine with that. No, not ideal, but I can't imagine how I'd have felt if he'd have become a petulant brat over the whole thing. Now our sex life is back to normal and we're stronger than ever, sexually.

Resentment. It is poisonous. When you feel it, you feel it. It can take over. Try to figure out if you're really angry over one thing or many things. If it's one thing, try to forget it. If it's many things, talk about it. Don't delay. Resentment will kill your marriage.

Go ahead and fight sometimes. Yeah, it's not pretty, but sometimes you will use the other as a punching bag. Well, DH and I did. Not literaly, of course. But our moods affect one another. People with no sleep are not nice. So putting two of them together is like putting two pit-fighters in a room together and then start depriving them of food. You start to go into survival mode and battle for resources (sleep, time). When this happens, remember that you're basically in survival mode, you are a team, and that you simply MUST support your team mate because you will never make it alone. (*unless you're a single parent, and in that case, I admire the hell out of you!).

Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

We said before the baby came that the first 4 to 5 days after we came home from the hospital were for us alone.. we had a couple of visitors for about 45 minutes but no overnight parents helping etc... the 2 of us took the time to figure some things out on our own. We ordered pizza and hung out with the new baby.

It can be tough the first year but I found that the hard part came around the 12 month mark when exhaustion had really set in b/c of sleep regression, baby had a lot more preferences, weighed a lot more, didn't want to be held when he had to be etc... it is key to remind each other that your on the same team, not opponents.

[Anonymous]

It helps to have lots of money to spend. Money buys time, which can be key during the first year. Have meals (for adults) delivered, send out your laundry, hire cleaners and landscapers, hire a nanny or pay whatever it takes to host a beloved family member to care for the child as much as you like, etc.

Of course, the number one thing is to have a gentle and compliant child. It's eye-opening to see very nice people get crushed by a "difficult" child or the smugness of those whose babies easily took to the breast and slept through the night for 12+ hours.

I missed on both counts but maybe that means more luck for you!

[Anonymous]

Communicate with each other! That really is key. Talk it out when you are frustrated with him, and encourage him to do the same. When you are both tired and stressed, sometimes it's easy to keep things to yourself and let them fester instead of discussing them in the open and moving on.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are in our 2nd year of with-kid-marriage, and thanks to hard work and committment on both ends we're doing really well. Better than pre-baby, actually. Probably b/c we're both so afraid of falling into "that trap" that we are making more of an effort.
-Divvy up stuff. One p/u kid, one p/u dog food. One does bedtime, one does kitchen cleanup. Etc.
-You both need some alone/me time... I go to the gym (but wake at the a$$crack of dawn for it), DH is okay with just a few mins alone with the iPad. Whatever you need.
-Communication. You need to find a good way to say, "I love you but XYZ behavior is driving me nuts." You no longer have time for long, drawn out arguments and passive aggressiveness.
-Give DH alone time with baby early and often. Good for both of them and good for you too. Bonus points if it's regular (ie every Sat morning, or Tues evening, or whatever).
-Be flexible. You might think, now, that co-sleeping is a good/bad idea. Then you have a baby who thinks the exact opposite. Whatever arrangement gets EVERYONE in the house the MOST RESTFUL sleep is the best arrangement and all previously held ideas need to go away.
-Make regular time for each other but don't feel pressured into "date nights." DH and I have had exactly two "leave the baby with a sitter DATEs" in 16 mos and we are totally, completely fine with that. We have alone time almost every night after she's asleep and we make a point of spending qt together at that time. Thing is, we both WOH FT and at the end of the day/week/month... all we really want to do is put on comfy clothes, play with the kid a little, and veg out. Not put on nice clothes and go in public. I know others feel totally differently about this but whatever. Whatever works for you.
-Make sure DH is aware that the first weeks PP are... unsettling... for everyone, and that you may not be yourself. In fact, you may not be yourself for a while. Giving birth is not a walk in the park, bf can totally suck, and you are sleep deprived. Etc. I know that DH cut me a lot of slack the first few weeks, picked up more than his share, and did a great job running interferenece with relatives, etc. If you are doing birth classes, make sure that he attends.

[Anonymous]

Once bf got easier around 6 weeks (and I'm not saying that you should/have to, just my experience) I found that life got a lot easier.
Once baby could sit by herself for a moment, was smiling/babbling/interacting, DH found that life got a lot easier. In the early weeks he wanted nothing to do with mention of #2. Around the 8 mo mark we found we could discuss it without either of us breaking down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a really good question. As you can see by the wildly different advice, the answer is going to be as unique as you and your DH are. I can say this as someone whose marriage took a beating with the arrival of our first child, but when all is said and done, I love the heck out of my DH. So here's my own skewed advice, based on what worked for us.

Be fluid. Funny co-sleeping came up. We're pretty non-crunchy. But DS was one of those babies I didn't really believe existed until I had one. Colicky, 5-6 hours of nonstop crying daily, would basically only sleep while (yes, while!) nursing, or while one of us was walking around with him. We got a sling right away but it took me a long time to get over my bias against cosleeping. But it HELPED. And now we both kind of like it. Contrary to what many co-sleepers will tell you, though, our sex life absolutely did take a hit. Honestly, sometimes you have just enough energy to do it in bed, not to go do one another in the guest room. So if baby is in the bed, it's just as easy to roll over and go to sleep. There were definitely times I might have initiated if I knew that it didn't mean going into another room, etc, etc. However, there were not that many of these times because truthfully I was too damn tired for sex most of the time anyway. By the time we started emerging from the baby fog, then we absolutely did have the energy to be more creative about sex.

Be flexible and realize you may have to educate your husband (and he may have to educate you!). My husband helped. No, I didn't mispeak when I said "helped." He brought baby to me, he diapered baby, but at the end of the day (gosh, i'm full of cliches today, sorry!) I was the one nursing and comforting. When DS tried to take over, it didn't work as well. For a long time, we kept trying to make it 50/50, but in truth, this baby spent 9 months in my womb and was most comfortable in my arms. For many couples, the burden of BABY CARE (as opposed to everything else) falls squarely on mom. In my situation, DH tried splitting up baby duty (which didn't really work well, as baby was nursing) and then I think he had this expectation that I would pitch in 50/50 on housework, etc, as well. It doesn't work that way. My OB actually told DH when we were in the hospital "remember she is postpartum, she's not to be doing housework" and I thought to myself "how silly and old fashioned to say such a thing." But then even my evolved, awesome, totally-modern husband needed a reminder. I got mastitis and simply had to go to bed, and he was hit with the full impact of what I'd been doing. Shouldn't have let that happen. It caused resentment on both ends.

Be forgiving when you have to educate your partner (goes both ways) and resist the urge to compete for martyr award. Baby parenting gives you MAJOR tunnel vision. See paragraph above for how hard I felt it was on me, compared to my husband. If I were to call him into this room, I bet he'd talk about how hard he had it. Thing is, sometimes it's just so damn hard that it's impossible to imagine that someone else has it HARDER than you. In truth, I think I had it harder than my husband. I really do. And yet, now that DS is a toddler, my husband gets up at the crack of dawn with him so that I can sleep in. If you let the anger steep, then you'll ruin the chance for things to even out in the future. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon, and you need to let the other person take the headwind sometimes and the other person draft, so to speak.

Divide and conquer, sort of. Yes, take turns napping. Do NOT, as the woman, fall into the "only I can comfort my baby" even if it is partially true. (again, see paragraph above). Yes, only you (sometimes) can comfort your baby, but you simply must let DH have a turn at bat. I'm not talking about nursing, but when babe is fed, nappied, burped, and pissed off, DH should absolutely take baby around the block for a walk to give mama a break from crying and to let dad develop his own special bond. Try not to micromanage this but at the same time, if he doesn't think of it, suggest it. Definitely let DH handle baby so you can nap sometimes, and vice versa. Don't try to do EVERYTHING as a team, because then nobody is sleeping. Yet.....some of our (DH and I were just talking about this!) most treasured baby memories is DH waking up to just sit with me when I nursed at night. He didn't do much, sometimes he would tickle my hair, sometimes he'd just watch us. It made us feel like a team. An exhausted team, sure, but a team.

Date night. See how far down the list I put it? But it's totally personal. I don't think you'll find two couples who agree completely on this. For us, it was about recognizing that the world as we knew it was changing. We had one date night at 7 weeks and it was too soon, and we basically didn't have another one until 9 months or longer. It was really not fun for us to go out and spend money to look at one another's exhausted mugs across the table and think "we could be in bed sleeping!". The next time we hired a babysitter, it was to take a nap together. Consider doing this!

Sex. Another one that differs according to the couple. I can honestly say that I'm turned off by these "remember your husband is not last, give him sex" bits of advice. Of course, sex is important. We (DH and I) were definitely not having enough of it and of course DH doesn't love that. Yet, if he would have really let a brief (it really is brief in the scheme of things) blip in our sex history where I just couldn't bring myself to think of it as anything else than yet another obligation (and gosh, did we try) sometimes you have to take it easy on yourself. The times we DID have sex early on weren't healthy feeling for me. I just wanted nothing to do with it and resented my husband for trying. When I finally told him my sex drive had taken a hit, that I felt so spread thin that it seemed hard to fathom doing it, he was SO understanding. Once the pressure was off, I felt more able to try it more often. But honestly this was like once every three weeks at BEST. And thank god, DH was fine with that. No, not ideal, but I can't imagine how I'd have felt if he'd have become a petulant brat over the whole thing. Now our sex life is back to normal and we're stronger than ever, sexually.

Resentment. It is poisonous. When you feel it, you feel it. It can take over. Try to figure out if you're really angry over one thing or many things. If it's one thing, try to forget it. If it's many things, talk about it. Don't delay. Resentment will kill your marriage.

Go ahead and fight sometimes. Yeah, it's not pretty, but sometimes you will use the other as a punching bag. Well, DH and I did. Not literaly, of course. But our moods affect one another. People with no sleep are not nice. So putting two of them together is like putting two pit-fighters in a room together and then start depriving them of food. You start to go into survival mode and battle for resources (sleep, time). When this happens, remember that you're basically in survival mode, you are a team, and that you simply MUST support your team mate because you will never make it alone. (*unless you're a single parent, and in that case, I admire the hell out of you!).

Good luck, OP!

This post was so good, that I'm quoting it just to put it up there again.

[Anonymous]

Definitely understand the power of sleep deprivation! You will both be tired and won't feel like yourselves, so be merciful with each other. This may sound odd or harsh, but I think it's really important to recognize that sometimes you feel really irritated with your spouse when actually, you are mad at the baby. Of course, you can't get mad at a baby just for being a baby, so you sometimes get mad at your husband just because you need to be mad and he's the one in sight. Don't get me wrong-- we adored our child from the start, loved being parents, never thought of splitting up at all, and my husband is fantastic about being an equal partner in all ways. Even so, there were times when I was mad at the baby for not sleeping, for being grumpy for no apparent reason, for needing yet ANOTHER thing as soon as I'd finished doing something for her, needed changing right when I sat down for the first time all day, etc., etc. etc. I realized that sometimes I was getting mad at my husband for something dumb, just because that was a lot more permissable than being mad at the baby. Hope that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It helps to have lots of money to spend. Money buys time, which can be key during the first year. Have meals (for adults) delivered, send out your laundry, hire cleaners and landscapers, hire a nanny or pay whatever it takes to host a beloved family member to care for the child as much as you like, etc.

Of course, the number one thing is to have a gentle and compliant child. It's eye-opening to see very nice people get crushed by a "difficult" child or the smugness of those whose babies easily took to the breast and slept through the night for 12+ hours.

I missed on both counts but maybe that means more luck for you!

I'm so glad someone said this! There has been a lot of good advice on this thread (even the conflicting advice can give you ideas about topics to think about) but one thing to remember about parenting is that you are bringing a third personality into your home and into your family. I always say "parenting is like a box of chocolates. you never know what you're going to get" a la Forrest Gump, because it is so true! So the poster who said "be flexible" is also right on. If you get a difficult child (or a child with special needs, for that matter) it will absolutely be harder on your marriage than if you get an easy one. The poster who said "prepare for the worst, hope for the best" -- that's about the size of it. It was amazing to watch when all the ladies in my childbirth class had their babies and we would get together in the weeks and months thereafter. It was so obvious that my baby was so much more challenging than theirs and it was NOT FAIR. Fast forward five years and two more kids, and my oldest is still challenging while his two siblings are much more easygoing. (And thank god).

Also would echo the above advice about if he's a good guy it will all work out. My DH has endured sex droughts during breastfeeding three times now. He is a very hands on parent and does his share or more of work around the house even though I SAH now. He is a good guy and always has been. I never worried about how our marriage would weather children and was right not to worry. We are different as parents than we were as a young childless couple but our marriage is as strong as it ever was, or stronger. Being on the same page about parenting topics has helped (e.g. we do not believe in spanking, both placed value on breastfeeding, stuff like that that could cause a major conflict if you disagreed about it).

[Anonymous]

All Dh's are different. My DH had trouble connecting with our baby for the first 6 months and it was rough on me. He had no desire to hold her, etc. Now she is a year old and he is great with her and interacts, but he could not relate to her during baby stage. My DH also tried to keep doing things he did in his pre-kid life, he did not realize it's a lifestyle change and he continued to think he could come home and watch TV for hours, or go to a movie with friends at the drop of a hat. He still does some of these things but he is much better.