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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a really good question. As you can see by the wildly different advice, the answer is going to be as unique as you and your DH are. I can say this as someone whose marriage took a beating with the arrival of our first child, but when all is said and done, I love the heck out of my DH. So here's my own skewed advice, based on what worked for us.

Be fluid. Funny co-sleeping came up. We're pretty non-crunchy. But DS was one of those babies I didn't really believe existed until I had one. Colicky, 5-6 hours of nonstop crying daily, would basically only sleep while (yes, while!) nursing, or while one of us was walking around with him. We got a sling right away but it took me a long time to get over my bias against cosleeping. But it HELPED. And now we both kind of like it. Contrary to what many co-sleepers will tell you, though, our sex life absolutely did take a hit. Honestly, sometimes you have just enough energy to do it in bed, not to go do one another in the guest room. So if baby is in the bed, it's just as easy to roll over and go to sleep. There were definitely times I might have initiated if I knew that it didn't mean going into another room, etc, etc. However, there were not that many of these times because truthfully I was too damn tired for sex most of the time anyway. By the time we started emerging from the baby fog, then we absolutely did have the energy to be more creative about sex.

Be flexible and realize you may have to educate your husband (and he may have to educate you!). My husband helped. No, I didn't mispeak when I said "helped." He brought baby to me, he diapered baby, but at the end of the day (gosh, i'm full of cliches today, sorry!) I was the one nursing and comforting. When DS tried to take over, it didn't work as well. For a long time, we kept trying to make it 50/50, but in truth, this baby spent 9 months in my womb and was most comfortable in my arms. For many couples, the burden of BABY CARE (as opposed to everything else) falls squarely on mom. In my situation, DH tried splitting up baby duty (which didn't really work well, as baby was nursing) and then I think he had this expectation that I would pitch in 50/50 on housework, etc, as well. It doesn't work that way. My OB actually told DH when we were in the hospital "remember she is postpartum, she's not to be doing housework" and I thought to myself "how silly and old fashioned to say such a thing." But then even my evolved, awesome, totally-modern husband needed a reminder. I got mastitis and simply had to go to bed, and he was hit with the full impact of what I'd been doing. Shouldn't have let that happen. It caused resentment on both ends.

Be forgiving when you have to educate your partner (goes both ways) and resist the urge to compete for martyr award. Baby parenting gives you MAJOR tunnel vision. See paragraph above for how hard I felt it was on me, compared to my husband. If I were to call him into this room, I bet he'd talk about how hard he had it. Thing is, sometimes it's just so damn hard that it's impossible to imagine that someone else has it HARDER than you. In truth, I think I had it harder than my husband. I really do. And yet, now that DS is a toddler, my husband gets up at the crack of dawn with him so that I can sleep in. If you let the anger steep, then you'll ruin the chance for things to even out in the future. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon, and you need to let the other person take the headwind sometimes and the other person draft, so to speak.

Divide and conquer, sort of. Yes, take turns napping. Do NOT, as the woman, fall into the "only I can comfort my baby" even if it is partially true. (again, see paragraph above). Yes, only you (sometimes) can comfort your baby, but you simply must let DH have a turn at bat. I'm not talking about nursing, but when babe is fed, nappied, burped, and pissed off, DH should absolutely take baby around the block for a walk to give mama a break from crying and to let dad develop his own special bond. Try not to micromanage this but at the same time, if he doesn't think of it, suggest it. Definitely let DH handle baby so you can nap sometimes, and vice versa. Don't try to do EVERYTHING as a team, because then nobody is sleeping. Yet.....some of our (DH and I were just talking about this!) most treasured baby memories is DH waking up to just sit with me when I nursed at night. He didn't do much, sometimes he would tickle my hair, sometimes he'd just watch us. It made us feel like a team. An exhausted team, sure, but a team.

Date night. See how far down the list I put it? But it's totally personal. I don't think you'll find two couples who agree completely on this. For us, it was about recognizing that the world as we knew it was changing. We had one date night at 7 weeks and it was too soon, and we basically didn't have another one until 9 months or longer. It was really not fun for us to go out and spend money to look at one another's exhausted mugs across the table and think "we could be in bed sleeping!". The next time we hired a babysitter, it was to take a nap together. Consider doing this!

Sex. Another one that differs according to the couple. I can honestly say that I'm turned off by these "remember your husband is not last, give him sex" bits of advice. Of course, sex is important. We (DH and I) were definitely not having enough of it and of course DH doesn't love that. Yet, if he would have really let a brief (it really is brief in the scheme of things) blip in our sex history where I just couldn't bring myself to think of it as anything else than yet another obligation (and gosh, did we try) sometimes you have to take it easy on yourself. The times we DID have sex early on weren't healthy feeling for me. I just wanted nothing to do with it and resented my husband for trying. When I finally told him my sex drive had taken a hit, that I felt so spread thin that it seemed hard to fathom doing it, he was SO understanding. Once the pressure was off, I felt more able to try it more often. But honestly this was like once every three weeks at BEST. And thank god, DH was fine with that. No, not ideal, but I can't imagine how I'd have felt if he'd have become a petulant brat over the whole thing. Now our sex life is back to normal and we're stronger than ever, sexually.

Resentment. It is poisonous. When you feel it, you feel it. It can take over. Try to figure out if you're really angry over one thing or many things. If it's one thing, try to forget it. If it's many things, talk about it. Don't delay. Resentment will kill your marriage.

Go ahead and fight sometimes. Yeah, it's not pretty, but sometimes you will use the other as a punching bag. Well, DH and I did. Not literaly, of course. But our moods affect one another. People with no sleep are not nice. So putting two of them together is like putting two pit-fighters in a room together and then start depriving them of food. You start to go into survival mode and battle for resources (sleep, time). When this happens, remember that you're basically in survival mode, you are a team, and that you simply MUST support your team mate because you will never make it alone. (*unless you're a single parent, and in that case, I admire the hell out of you!).

Good luck, OP! [/quote]

This post was so good, that I'm quoting it just to put it up there again.  :)[/quote]

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