My idiot inlaws...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again - For my birthday if I wanted to do something like this I wouldn't invite people only to say, "oh by the way to have a good time you'll probably spend around $500 (which is what my FIL just told DH on the phone)". That's ridiculous.

Yes FIL has currently agreed to pay for the room, but he's been known to promise one thing, and then the opposite happens. He also said he'd pay for dinner, but I know he's going to expect DH to cover half (dinner will include 8-9 adults and 4 children ages 3-15).

To give you some perspective into this crazy family they bought us an end table one time (they thought we'd like it, it was gawd awful) and when they brought it over MIL literally said "It cost $100, if you don't have the cash we'll take a check". We in NO way asked for this stupid table, or put in any sort of hint that we wanted or needed a table.

MIL also informed us when DD was hours old that she has FIL's "ugly" big toe, and was attempting to get DD to open her eyes by almost poking her in the eye... FIL was warned not to take DD out of the room by carrying her (hospital rules said she had to be in her bassinet) and of course he didn't listen and a nurse ran over. He then told us how awful the car ride home will be b/c DD will hate the car seat (she actually loves her car seat and the movement of the car).

Oh and MIL's gift at the baby shower was a solid wood "potty" chair that rocks... After we begged her to buy something off the registry (we had to spend another $400 to get misc things off the registry after the shower).

I'm not really surprised by this, but it's still frustrating. DH and I will maybe mini golf, but otherwise just walk around and hang out with DD. I have no inclination to spend $400 at the spa (I'd rather buy a CityMini stroller), and would prefer to spend the time as our little family, not passing DD off between the two of us so we can do things alone. That just doesn't sound like a good time to me.

If I described you to my awesome therapist, she would say that you were immature and entitled.

[Anonymous]

OP, at one time or another we all do things with or for our families that we truly didn't want to. That being said, I understand where you are coming from you just had your daughter and it's a weekend where you would like to just enjoy your new family, we all get that. Go go along with it and try to make the best of it and enjoy as much as you can.

This year my parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary in Europe where they currently live. Just to fly a family of 4 there is over $5k, this does not include car rental, and other expenses while we are there, this trip will easily cost $8k. My parents are retired and they could easily come here where they lived for 30 years and have a party. But they are choosing to have a ceremony at the church were they were married back in the '60s and then a reception afterwards. We are all going, because I know how much this means to them and we will have a good time, and this allows my kids an opportunity to experience the culture in which I was raised. Would I rather spend $8k on other things, you betcha! I've been in my house for almost 8 years and still don't have proper drapes in my living room and dining room..... etc.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't want to go as well. Paying for a venue which you aren't interested in, plus juggling an infant while trying to do family activities sounds like no fun at all...but I can see as how they are your family, and I think they will appreciate you being there.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to stop allowing your husband's parents to decide how to spend your money.

For example, when his parents showed up with the table you didn't ask for and then asked for $100 -- you should have very politely said "Oh, I'm sorry. You are going to have to take this table back. It wasn't in our budget, and it isn't something we want to buy. We appreciate you thinking of us when you see something we might like, but in the future, if you want us to buy something and reimburse you, please call us first and see if it is something that we want."

I hope that's what you said, and that you didn't pay them the $100 for it!

If I were you, I would decline this birthday vacation. Unless it is something YOU really want to do. I would tell them that this type of vacation just isn't in your budget at the moment but that you hope they have a good time.

If you do go, I would have something come up with the baby and NOT go out to dinner if you think your husband will be stuck with half the bill for the whole family. AGain, that if you both decide you do NOT want to treat the family! If you DO want to treat the family to dinner that's a different story.

But then, I'd have your husband confer with his dad ahead of time -- "Dad, I was thinking I'd pay half the bill at dinner. This is what I'm thinking it will cost and this is how much I am able to budget. Does that sound right? So I think I can afford XYZ but not ABC restaurant". He has to spell it out ahead of time -- sounds like his dad likes to be perceived as a big spender but not tai ethe consequences of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, at one time or another we all do things with or for our families that we truly didn't want to. That being said, I understand where you are coming from you just had your daughter and it's a weekend where you would like to just enjoy your new family, we all get that. Go go along with it and try to make the best of it and enjoy as much as you can.

This year my parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary in Europe where they currently live. Just to fly a family of 4 there is over $5k, this does not include car rental, and other expenses while we are there, this trip will easily cost $8k. My parents are retired and they could easily come here where they lived for 30 years and have a party. But they are choosing to have a ceremony at the church were they were married back in the '60s and then a reception afterwards. We are all going, because I know how much this means to them and we will have a good time, and this allows my kids an opportunity to experience the culture in which I was raised. Would I rather spend $8k on other things, you betcha! I've been in my house for almost 8 years and still don't have proper drapes in my living room and dining room..... etc. [/quote


OP Here - I am in no way complaining about the cost of traveling home. My issue is them "requiring" the attendee's to spend $$$ on the activities at a party we are invited to. I'm sure Nemacolin is beautiful and we'll have a fine time, it's just frustrating that they want us to shell out that kind of money. I would much rather them ask everyone what activities they want to do, and pay for that in lieu of the hotel room (and let us figure out our accommodations, which makes FAR more sense).

I realize I may sound a bit entitled, but I am a new mom, and am completely enamored in my new little family. I also realize it would take me far too long to list out the many "interactions" I've had with my inlaws to give you more background, and sadly we've already set some boundaries (after 10 years I finally got my FIL to stop kissing me on the lips...), but they are very set in their ways and there will be many a battles down the road, and MIL's 60's birthday isn't a battle I'm willing to pick. We'll go, I'm sure DH, DD, and I will have fun (whatever we end up doing), and I'll just hope we don't end up spending $1,000!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, at one time or another we all do things with or for our families that we truly didn't want to. That being said, I understand where you are coming from you just had your daughter and it's a weekend where you would like to just enjoy your new family, we all get that. Go go along with it and try to make the best of it and enjoy as much as you can.

This year my parents celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary in Europe where they currently live. Just to fly a family of 4 there is over $5k, this does not include car rental, and other expenses while we are there, this trip will easily cost $8k. My parents are retired and they could easily come here where they lived for 30 years and have a party. But they are choosing to have a ceremony at the church were they were married back in the '60s and then a reception afterwards. We are all going, because I know how much this means to them and we will have a good time, and this allows my kids an opportunity to experience the culture in which I was raised. Would I rather spend $8k on other things, you betcha! I've been in my house for almost 8 years and still don't have proper drapes in my living room and dining room..... etc. [/quote


OP Here - I am in no way complaining about the cost of traveling home. My issue is them "requiring" the attendee's to spend $$$ on the activities at a party we are invited to. I'm sure Nemacolin is beautiful and we'll have a fine time, it's just frustrating that they want us to shell out that kind of money. I would much rather them ask everyone what activities they want to do, and pay for that in lieu of the hotel room (and let us figure out our accommodations, which makes FAR more sense).

I realize I may sound a bit entitled, but I am a new mom, and am completely enamored in my new little family. I also realize it would take me far too long to list out the many "interactions" I've had with my inlaws to give you more background, and sadly we've already set some boundaries (after 10 years I finally got my FIL to stop kissing me on the lips...), but they are very set in their ways and there will be many a battles down the road, and MIL's 60's birthday isn't a battle I'm willing to pick. We'll go, I'm sure DH, DD, and I will have fun (whatever we end up doing), and I'll just hope we don't end up spending $1,000!

OMG! I'm sorry but I find your FIL kissing you on the lips disgusting. I'm glad you were able to finally nip that one in the bud. Make the best of this trip, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you've shared some legitimate reasons for not enjoying your in-laws as much as some who truly love being with their extended family. Still, I think your use of the words "idiot inlaws" says a lot about your attitude and personality as well. You don't really sound as if you're particularly easy to please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to stop allowing your husband's parents to decide how to spend your money.

For example, when his parents showed up with the table you didn't ask for and then asked for $100 -- you should have very politely said "Oh, I'm sorry. You are going to have to take this table back. It wasn't in our budget, and it isn't something we want to buy. We appreciate you thinking of us when you see something we might like, but in the future, if you want us to buy something and reimburse you, please call us first and see if it is something that we want."

I hope that's what you said, and that you didn't pay them the $100 for it!

If I were you, I would decline this birthday vacation. Unless it is something YOU really want to do. I would tell them that this type of vacation just isn't in your budget at the moment but that you hope they have a good time.

If you do go, I would have something come up with the baby and NOT go out to dinner if you think your husband will be stuck with half the bill for the whole family. AGain, that if you both decide you do NOT want to treat the family! If you DO want to treat the family to dinner that's a different story.

But then, I'd have your husband confer with his dad ahead of time -- "Dad, I was thinking I'd pay half the bill at dinner. This is what I'm thinking it will cost and this is how much I am able to budget. Does that sound right? So I think I can afford XYZ but not ABC restaurant". He has to spell it out ahead of time -- sounds like his dad likes to be perceived as a big spender but not tai ethe consequences of it.

+1. This really nails it. The longer you wait to implement this advice, the more frustrated you will become.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how this thing ever turned out. It made an interesting read, and brought back memories of my own inlaws. I know what I'd have done, and it would not have been going on the expensive trip. If people want to 'act' like they are rich they can, just don't expect me to. I am all WYSIWYG.

[Anonymous]

Ya' gotta love inlaws that hit you up every time someone in their family dies... and of course it's 1 of those families that bred like rabbits, continue to do so even though they don't have enough money between them to bury their own.
(not even the cheapest options)
I paid for everything when my spouse departed, and that was my obligation in my opinion. I had already paid out $$$ when their Dad passed. It would be a huge surprise if they don't come a knockin' soon for a couple more headin' that way soon.
Here's a clue, inlaws: get a j o b, and start planning on not burdening widow(ers) with the problems you created.

[Anonymous]

You are nicer than me. I would send DH to spend quality time with his family and stay home with the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws like to have the appearance that they are very well off (which they aren't). It's my MIL's 60th birthday this fall, and they want us to join them (with my SIL, her husband, their 2 kids, and then 2 cousins with 2 more kids) at a golf course near Pittsburgh (where our family lives) for a day of outdoor "fun" (ropes courses, zip lines, swimming, etc). All the "festivities" will cost each person around $200. I just had our first child 3 weeks ago, and she will be 4 months when this happens. FIL suggested we just leave DD with the onsite daycare for the day... is he crazy?

My husband hates heights, so he's not going to do anything in the trees. I'm breast feeding so I'll be mostly attached to DD (which is fine by me, I don't particularly like my inlaws, they are very selfish individuals), so I won't be doing most of the activities. The other thing is my husband's cousins don't have this kind of money (neither does my SIL, but they have the same mentality of "pretend we have millions of dollars" so they will just add this to the debt).

Seriously, we could all toss in $100 pp and send my MIL on a cruise... Not to mention we all are responsible for our own hotel rooms and the cheapest one is $435/night (2 night min). This is going to be a $1,000 weekend for us, and I can think of several dozen things I'd rather spend $1,000 on (daycare, diapers, jogging stroller...).

Would it be rude for us to go, but just for the day and sit out of essentially all activities? We obviously have the youngest child, the next oldest is 3, so she can participate to some extent.

You sound like such a bitch.

Of course you don't leave an infant in the day care, you stay with your baby. If your DH doesn't like heights, he's an adult and say he's not going to do the zip line.

SUCK IT UP. Your dislike of them is palpable, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws like to have the appearance that they are very well off (which they aren't). It's my MIL's 60th birthday this fall, and they want us to join them (with my SIL, her husband, their 2 kids, and then 2 cousins with 2 more kids) at a golf course near Pittsburgh (where our family lives) for a day of outdoor "fun" (ropes courses, zip lines, swimming, etc). All the "festivities" will cost each person around $200. I just had our first child 3 weeks ago, and she will be 4 months when this happens. FIL suggested we just leave DD with the onsite daycare for the day... is he crazy?

My husband hates heights, so he's not going to do anything in the trees. I'm breast feeding so I'll be mostly attached to DD (which is fine by me, I don't particularly like my inlaws, they are very selfish individuals), so I won't be doing most of the activities. The other thing is my husband's cousins don't have this kind of money (neither does my SIL, but they have the same mentality of "pretend we have millions of dollars" so they will just add this to the debt).

Seriously, we could all toss in $100 pp and send my MIL on a cruise... Not to mention we all are responsible for our own hotel rooms and the cheapest one is $435/night (2 night min). This is going to be a $1,000 weekend for us, and I can think of several dozen things I'd rather spend $1,000 on (daycare, diapers, jogging stroller...).

Would it be rude for us to go, but just for the day and sit out of essentially all activities? We obviously have the youngest child, the next oldest is 3, so she can participate to some extent.

You sound like such a bitch.

Of course you don't leave an infant in the day care, you stay with your baby. If your DH doesn't like heights, he's an adult and say he's not going to do the zip line.

SUCK IT UP. Your dislike of them is palpable, OP.

So you realize you're responding to a thread that is over 3 years old, yes?

[Anonymous]

Let me tell you now, if you agree to this weekend you will be stuck doing it every 5 years until she dies.

My MIL similarly demanded (not requested or invited) my DH and I along to a family trip some 6 hours drive away when our DS was about 2 or 3 months old. We simply said "no, sorry, we can't do that" without an explanation.

Later she tried to guilt trip us into travelling 3.000 miles for her boyfriend's 75th birthday (we had moved to the US) and again we said no, can't do it, didn't do it for my folks, not doing it for your bF, but have fun.

You have to say no early so as not to establish a pattern of expectation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me tell you now, if you agree to this weekend you will be stuck doing it every 5 years until she dies.

My MIL similarly demanded (not requested or invited) my DH and I along to a family trip some 6 hours drive away when our DS was about 2 or 3 months old. We simply said "no, sorry, we can't do that" without an explanation.

Later she tried to guilt trip us into travelling 3.000 miles for her boyfriend's 75th birthday (we had moved to the US) and again we said no, can't do it, didn't do it for my folks, not doing it for your bF, but have fun.

You have to say no early so as not to establish a pattern of expectation.

THIS THREAD WAS STARTED IN MAY 2012.