My idiot inlaws...

[Anonymous]

My inlaws like to have the appearance that they are very well off (which they aren't). It's my MIL's 60th birthday this fall, and they want us to join them (with my SIL, her husband, their 2 kids, and then 2 cousins with 2 more kids) at a golf course near Pittsburgh (where our family lives) for a day of outdoor "fun" (ropes courses, zip lines, swimming, etc). All the "festivities" will cost each person around $200. I just had our first child 3 weeks ago, and she will be 4 months when this happens. FIL suggested we just leave DD with the onsite daycare for the day... is he crazy?

My husband hates heights, so he's not going to do anything in the trees. I'm breast feeding so I'll be mostly attached to DD (which is fine by me, I don't particularly like my inlaws, they are very selfish individuals), so I won't be doing most of the activities. The other thing is my husband's cousins don't have this kind of money (neither does my SIL, but they have the same mentality of "pretend we have millions of dollars" so they will just add this to the debt).

Seriously, we could all toss in $100 pp and send my MIL on a cruise... Not to mention we all are responsible for our own hotel rooms and the cheapest one is $435/night (2 night min). This is going to be a $1,000 weekend for us, and I can think of several dozen things I'd rather spend $1,000 on (daycare, diapers, jogging stroller...).

Would it be rude for us to go, but just for the day and sit out of essentially all activities? We obviously have the youngest child, the next oldest is 3, so she can participate to some extent.

[Anonymous]

I would have your husband tell your FIL/ MIL ( since they are HIS parents) that sadly your DR will not clear you for that kind of physical activity but you would love to take her to dinner etc another weekend to celebrate her birthday.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to stay at the $435/night (!) hotel? Surely there is someplace more reasonable within a 20 minute drive. Your ILs can stay there if they want, but you're under no obligation. If they protest, say "Sorry, it's not in our budget." Don't get into any details or explanations or negotiations.

And please don't lie as the PP said.

[Anonymous]

Say you can't swing it (literally!) but, like PP said, you'd love to take her to dinner to keep her celebration going. Between her unreasonably hurt feelings and your family's need not to spend $1000 on something you won't really enjoy, I think the choice is clear. Your MIL needs to accept the consequences of choosing such an expensive activity. To give her the benefit of the doubt, she may think it's a fun family vacation time together with things the kids can enjoy. But your DH can still tell his parents "no, sorry"!

[Anonymous]

I kind of disagree with the responses you've gotten so far. We went on a big trip for my inlaws 50th a few years ago - I am not crazy about DH's family and it was $$$$ but it was an important event and a nice opportunity for the family to be together. I guess I see this as similar. It's a big birthday, it's what MIL wants to do, suck it up to be with the family. Being with family sounds important to her so sending her on a cruise might not be a reasonable alternative.

It might be dependent on how your husband feels though. Is he as reluctant as you are or is he more excited about the get-together?

[Anonymous]

Cheapest room is $435 a night...in the Pittsburgh area? Really, I can't imagine that's true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cheapest room is $435 a night...in the Pittsburgh area? Really, I can't imagine that's true.

Nemacolin?

[Anonymous]

What does DH want to do?

In our house, he goes with the flow when it's my family, I go with the flow when it's his. Our families do a lot of things differently, so the way his family does things doesn't always make sense to me and vice versa.

Obviously, if you really can't afford it, that's different. But if you can, go with it.

DS is 3 months, and we found out right after he was born that my MIL has stage 4 lung cancer that has metastasized to her lymph nodes and bones. My MIL has driven me nuts on occasion, but she's a kind person and all she's ever wanted was grandkids.

Her diagnosis has made me glad I've always tried to go along and get along in their family.

I'm not telling you this to be morbid or try to guilt-trip you, just to say that sometimes it's good to foster relationships even if you have to do things you're not really thrilled about doing.

Still, I have to say, this weekend your MIL has planned doesn't sound like my idea of a good time. And I agree it's selfish for her to expect everyone to shell out that kind of $$$. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

You actually sound selfish. Maybe your FIL suggested that the baby stay in the nursery so that you could have some fun too. (How dare he?!) Just go with it. Wouldn't you want your kids to be there for you on such an important occassion?

[Anonymous]

No way "go with it" - that would only make it worse in next bdays. Discuss with DH what sensible alternative you want to propose to celebrate. If inlaws get offended, that's their choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheapest room is $435 a night...in the Pittsburgh area? Really, I can't imagine that's true.

Nemacolin?

NP here. Could be Nemacolin. OP threw me off when she described it as "a golf course near Pittsburgh." I think of Nemacolin more as a luxury resort.

Op, if you cannot swing it - don't. Just be straight up and you and DH tell the truth and offer to do something else with her. It will be a tough conversation, but it would be worse if you went and acted as if you did not want to be there.

[Anonymous]

I'd try to find a way to participate without shelling out so much money. It's a big birthday, so you don't want to just refuse altogether, but at the same time, I don't see why you have to spend all that money when you won't really be able to participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
No way "go with it" - that would only make it worse in next bdays. Discuss with DH what sensible alternative you want to propose to celebrate. If inlaws get offended, that's their choice.

This. We know we have to set up boundaries with our kids...well, we need to do the same with inlaws. Best done by DH, since it is his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
No way "go with it" - that would only make it worse in next bdays. Discuss with DH what sensible alternative you want to propose to celebrate. If inlaws get offended, that's their choice.

This. We know we have to set up boundaries with our kids...well, we need to do the same with inlaws. Best done by DH, since it is his parents.

It's not just a birthday - it's her 60th. I think it's nice that the family is trying to do something special. The event is about celebrating the MIL, not about what OP thinks would be fun. I have never regretted sucking it up and participating in the celebration of my family, including in laws.

[Anonymous]

It would be one thing if OPs ILs were footing the bill and OP just didn’t think a ropes course was her cup of tea but I think it is ridiculous for the ILs to expect everyone to shell out 1,000+ for MILs birthday. Her MIL is the selfish one here.

My parents wanted a big family beach trip for their 40th wedding anniversary so my they rented one of those huge sleeps 20 people right on the beach houses with a pool etc and invited everyone they wanted to celebrate with. We covered our flights but everything else was on my parents because they knew we couldn’t afford a trip like that but that is how they wanted to celebrate.