My idiot inlaws...
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Anonymous
You got it! My FIL is planning all this, I'm pretty sure my MIL has no idea what's going on. My husband also mentioned about dinner, I'm sure we'll be going to their fine dining restaurant, and FIL will expect DH to split the check... They're just idiots. DH and I decided to go, but we won't be participating in many of the activities (due to DD), which is just fine by us. We'll bring the camera and get some nice shots of of our new little family while they are climbing the trees. We in no way want to blow this off, but it would've been nice had my FIL picked something that all family members could actively participate. DH just told me FIL will be paying for everyone's hotel rooms (I'll believe it once we're there and it happens), so that's one less thing!
This is hardly an "important" occasion, as my MIL hates being the center of attention and isn't thrilled she's aging (she doesn't like it when people make a big deal out of her birthdays). This is all the doings of my FIL to put on a "show" that he and his wife are great (they cycle through close to divorcing, reconciling, and don't speak 75% of the time, sleep in different rooms, DH has to tell them both the same things since they don't talk to each other...). It's a crazy dynamic. Yes, I'm selfish to want to spend time with my child... such a crazy concept I'm sure! I would much rather carry her around than climb through the trees (keeping in mind that she will just be starting daycare 2 weeks prior and our weekends with her will become very sacred! |
Anonymous
I just wanted to call that out - I'd be careful about assuming you want your weekends "sacred." I'd run into a ton of family problems if we decided that since our kid was in daycare, we needed to completely hold every weekend for our own experiences. For me, we have to find a balance, but setting the standard of every weekend is setting yourself up to fail. I say this as a parent of a 13month old who has been in daycare since 14 weeks old. However, the weekend sounds like a clusterF. How does your husband feel about everything? |
Anonymous
| I'm a PP who said you should roll with it...this sounds even worse than you initially described it. I think you're doing the right thing, but your FIL sounds like a piece of work! |
Anonymous
| I have a question. What do you do on your birthday? Do you have requests for things you'd like to do? Dinner out? a weekend away? Well it is you IL's choice that they would like to do this. And yes I have miserable relationship with my MIL and have soldiered through a lot things I don't want to do because I felt it was important for the family as a whole and I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would be hurt if people didn't want to participate in something that was special to me. With that said I would go but make it in a manner that works for you. If you can't afford the trip - can you find another place? Share with other relatives to bring down the cost. Make a day trip out of it? Consider yourself very lucky in that you have the BEST excuse for getting out of things while you are there - breastfeeding and a 4 month old will need mom - and yes while it IS possible to leave the baby in daycare you don't (or can't pump for your FIL if he insists). You have to spend time with your child which means you get away from the family (oh how I milked - pun intended- breastfeeding and naps as my escape plan from the inlaws.) I think you will need to sacrifice something (money or time) to make this trip but ensure you establish what you will do - volunteer you won't zip line, or get a babysitter but would love to have a family dinner together one night. |
Anonymous
| Do a drive by visit. Stop in to visit the IL's prior to the event say hi, wish them a happy birthday - bring a cake but don't go to the event. Our DS was exhausted after his first two weeks of daycare as was I after heading back to work full time. He was also getting his first cold from the daycare setting. |
Anonymous
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I feel your pain OP. I think that with the newborn you can easily beg off, but DH may not be able to - why not just send him?
Our family is celebrating a milestone birthday for my elderly Dad out West. Nobody can afford it, but somehow it has turned into a week at a mountain lake in a huge vacation rental (think "with it's own elevator") plus of course airline tickets for our family of 4, the whole thing is going to cost us about $4500 unless we can work frequent flier miles tickets - which we were really hoping to use for a more exotic trip someday. So I guess my reaction is, $200 is not SO bad considering that Pittsburgh is not too far away and consider yourself lucky! Also, MIL is very fortunate to be able to celebrate her 60th in good health with all her family. Think of it as a celebration of life and family togetherness, not just a giant money suck. If you DO go, opt out of the activities, lounge around the pool with the baby and let the relatives ooh and aah over the newborn when they get a break from zip lining or whatever. |
Anonymous
| Maybe there is a Pittsburgh area friend or relation DH can stay with? Or somebody who would be happy to share a hotel room? |
Anonymous
| Funny I was thinking about taking the kids to Nemacolin as a getaway this past winter. We ended up going to Willaimsburg instead but it was very tempting with the kid's club they have (no age limit, which is rare) there is a small zoo with zebras there for baby to look at, a spa, nice indoor and outdoor pools... you might end up having a very nice time in spite of your reservations about it. Especially if FIL is paying for the room. |
Anonymous
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OP here again - For my birthday if I wanted to do something like this I wouldn't invite people only to say, "oh by the way to have a good time you'll probably spend around $500 (which is what my FIL just told DH on the phone)". That's ridiculous.
Yes FIL has currently agreed to pay for the room, but he's been known to promise one thing, and then the opposite happens. He also said he'd pay for dinner, but I know he's going to expect DH to cover half (dinner will include 8-9 adults and 4 children ages 3-15). To give you some perspective into this crazy family they bought us an end table one time (they thought we'd like it, it was gawd awful) and when they brought it over MIL literally said "It cost $100, if you don't have the cash we'll take a check". We in NO way asked for this stupid table, or put in any sort of hint that we wanted or needed a table. MIL also informed us when DD was hours old that she has FIL's "ugly" big toe, and was attempting to get DD to open her eyes by almost poking her in the eye... FIL was warned not to take DD out of the room by carrying her (hospital rules said she had to be in her bassinet) and of course he didn't listen and a nurse ran over. He then told us how awful the car ride home will be b/c DD will hate the car seat (she actually loves her car seat and the movement of the car). Oh and MIL's gift at the baby shower was a solid wood "potty" chair that rocks... After we begged her to buy something off the registry (we had to spend another $400 to get misc things off the registry after the shower). I'm not really surprised by this, but it's still frustrating. DH and I will maybe mini golf, but otherwise just walk around and hang out with DD. I have no inclination to spend $400 at the spa (I'd rather buy a CityMini stroller), and would prefer to spend the time as our little family, not passing DD off between the two of us so we can do things alone. That just doesn't sound like a good time to me. |
Anonymous
| You sound like a self-absorbed new mom (having been one myself!). Suck it up and go with a smile, unless you truly can't afford it. |
Anonymous
| You didn't choose them, just as they didn't choose you. Deal. |
Anonymous
| You're mostly justified but also a little selfish. "want to do things alone with our little family." Life's complicated. Draw boundaries as appropriate, but get over yourself and realize that not everything is designed to make sure you have the PERFECT experience! |
Anonymous
Nemacolin is wonderful whether you "climb the trees" or not. Stop bitching I'll take your place any day. |
Anonymous
| FYI, in case you go, usually if you book through a package you'll get some spa treatments or vouchers for use on the grounds during your stay. But yeah, it's crazy expensive and if you just don't want to do it, don't do it. |
Anonymous
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Dear OP,
I hear your pain. The earlier you set up boundaries, the better. It sounds like your in-laws are going to get offended at some point so, why not now? The key is to engage your DH, and for him to be comfortable in saying No to his parents. As they say, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives. |