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Saw my DH on our nanny cam.
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Anonymous
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Let's circle back ... it's ok, probably, if a single neighbor of the opposite sex swings by your home when your spouse isn't there, and you two discuss lawn care while standing in the foyer, with 4 feet between you.
It's an entirely different thing the sit thigh-to-thigh on the couch with the same person. Let's assume the room with this couch also had at least one other piece of furniture to sit on. |
Anonymous
I agree, but I'm really worried (from past experience) that if she confronts him now without more proof, that he will lie his way out of this situation. She just needs a little more time before confronting him. But I respect your opinion - I just worry about the timing and proof. My husband would have "broken down" and told me some BS story about the woman coming over to flirt with him - I never would have gotten the truth out of him without solid proof. Therapists call it "gaslighting" - lying even though everyone knows you are lying. |
Anonymous
| Oh dear. I'm sorry, OP - that sucks. Definitely not a good situation. I just want to put in my vote for confronting him as soon as possible. This is your husband, for goodness sake. If I was in your situation - I couldn't imagine not sitting down immediately and asking what the deal is - though I can certainly understand being extremely nervous about what the answer may be. Do have a relationship with open communication? If not, that could be part of what's going on here in the larger picture... |
Anonymous
Yes, of course, but it's more complicated. Imagine this suddenly happening in YOUR life. You're in a state of shock; time stands still; you start panicking and want to believe that everything you have built in xxx years of marriage is NOT threatened - not a lie. This is tough stuff. And of course then again there is a slight possibility that her husband has boundary issues and the neighbor is a maniac. You never know. |
Anonymous
| OP, does your husband normally get too physically close to people when talking? Just trying to see if he has boundary issues. Hoping for the best. |
Anonymous
| I can't believe he said that he thought the neighbor was out of town. If he isn't being upfront about that, chances are when you confront him he will try to make it seem like it is all in your mind. Isn't that the line the comedians always joke about "Deny, deny, deny" - even if the guy is found buck naked in the bed with the other woman they make the wife/girlfriend think she was crazy and imagining things - "baby that wasn't me you saw". I think as everyone else has said, if you are getting red flags and a sick feeling you know if something isn't already happening it is a matter of time. The question becomes what do you want to do about it. I don't know the whole situation but the fact that he has made a point of mentioning how attractive the neighbor is to his wife (and this is different than noting a stranger or someone he doesn't have to see on a somewhat regular basis is attractive) and that he would hide the fact she was over and when you mentioned that you thought she was out of town he didn't correct you - I have to wonder where you can go from here - is he of the mindframe that you are the best thing that ever happened to him and not want to lose you or is he wondering if there is something better out there. |
Anonymous
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So...what were they talking about?
Who sat down first and did the second person purposely sit close to the other? Was there any sign of flirting or touching? Or was it simply a conversation that was too close for comfort? |
Anonymous
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Op, as someone who have had to confront my husband about an inappropriate relationship, I think that you should tell him what you saw and have him explain it. There is no need to accuse him of anything, just replay the facts and they ask him what the $$%# is going on.
It will not be pretty and it may take a few conversations for the whole truth to come out. He will tell a few half-truths, try to make it seem like you are imaging things but in the end if he values the marrige (and is not engage in a full blown affair) he will likley eventually give you the full story - just be prepared for it to take a while. It took about 3 months before by husband told me the full story of what I happened upon and about another month for him to acknowledge that he was wrong and I had a right to be upset. When you talk to him just keep asking questions and probing his responses. When you talk to him, try to stay calm, if you feel yourself getting angry just stop and walk away and continue the conversation another time. Also, look at the bright side - you may have caught this at a very early stage and you could still have a happy marriage. BTW, while I understand that you are upset about the lie re the other other woman being out of town - it is not too surprising to me that he would not volunteer that she was at the house, I am sure that he knows that you would be upset if you knew she was at the house with him alone even if nothing happened. Good luck and I hope that it all works out. |
Anonymous
I couldn't agree more. Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com. You will need their support. Even if he hasn't consummated this inappropriate relationship yet, it is merely a matter of time. He has started to hide it from you. That is BAD. There is NO innocent explanation. But you need to stay calm, get your ducks in a row, protect yourself and your children, gather evidence. No offense, but the people preaching honest approach, etc. have probably never been in this situation. signed, Mom who learned all this the hard way. Good luck to you, my dear. |
Anonymous
But wouldn't it be better to catch this/confront him BEFORE it turns into a full blown affair? If OP hasn't had trouble in her marriage up until this point, and she has the chance to nip it in the bud, why wouldn't she do that? The thing I find odd is the fact that he has commented to her about how attractive this woman is. If I had an inkling that I wanted to have an affair with someone, NO WAY would I point that person out to my husband and comment on his appearance. I don't doubt that he's infatuated...but he might just really like the extra attention. IF her marriage has been good up to this point, and she never would have been suspicious but for what she saw on the nanny cam, it just seems to me that waiting to discuss it will lead to nothing but a worse outcome. The resentment and distrust will build and build, making it less possible to have a rational conversation. Plus, he may very well NOT be having an affair (yet); if she confronts him now he may come to his senses. I understand the rationale about building evidence, etc. I mean, if he IS having an affair, and does not want his marriage to end, no doubt, he'll lie about it. But what if she never sees anything again? What if she keeps watching and watching, and just drives herself nuts with worry that is unfounded? How do you bring it up a month later, when you've seen nothing new? |
Anonymous
| I personally think lying is just as bad as cheating. I wonder if the poster who mentioned "gaslighting" is still married. I thought that was ain interesting post, and didn't realize other liars also "fake confess" and are only lying again. When I realized that this was going on -- the fake confesions which were really new lies -- I thought he must be insane. But when I interviewed a mediator over the phone before going to court, she said, "Of course, when a man is having a relationship with two women, that's when he'll lie -- a lot. HA HA HA HA." Then added, as if she heard how frivolous she sounded, "Of course, lying isn't healthy for children...." as if lying weren't a big deal at all. (I didn't choose her as a mediator.) I thought being lied to was devestating. OP, good luck. |
Anonymous
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Everyone, calm down. OP, of course he's not going to admit this woman was over because he knows it's wrong.
You need to tell him what you saw. COMMUNICATE! You are married, for goodness sake. Don't stonewall and become silent; that's not going to help anything. I personally doubt your DH is cheating (in the sense of consummating a relationship with her). He is proably bored, having a mid-life crisis, needs an ego boost, all the numerous reasons that guys stray... He knows what he's doing is wrong, feels guilty about it. Maybe he wants to get caught because he's trying to tell you something. The encounter with this other woman is a red flag that something is wrong in YOUR relationship with him and it needs to be addressed quickly, before things go too far. I wish you luck. You will be OK. I promise. Sometimes a crisis like this is what it takes to get everyone talking and to get a marriage back on track. |
Anonymous
I agree. If you tell him another neighbor saw him, they might just start meeting elsewhere. |
Anonymous
| If your could bring yourself to do it, perhaps you could suggest to your husband that you would like to get to know this woman better, invite her out for dinner with the two of you, etc. If something's going on, you may be able to tell from his response to this suggestion. Also, if things are at an inappropriate flirtation level between them and nothing more, perhaps you and your husband jointly hosting her for an event will put the proper parameters back in everyone's minds. This of course wouldn't solve the larger issue if there is one (my guess is that there is), but it would buy you some time, give you a chance to find out more information, and possibly neutralize their interactions a bit. It may also give your perhaps guilty feeling husband an opening to behave well. I too feel completely sick for you. |
Anonymous
| I like that idea. If he keeps talking about her, just invite her over. Show her your life, your marriage etc. Maybe at least she'll feel guilty about even considering pursuing something. |