Saw my DH on our nanny cam.

[Anonymous]

I think that is just delaying the inevitable. Having her over to dinner does not seem like a good idea to me. She clearly already knows your marrried and knows you have a family, so she should already be aware of the situation and I do not think having her over will make anyone feel more quilty or behave better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, as someone who have had to confront my husband about an inappropriate relationship, I think that you should tell him what you saw and have him explain it. There is no need to accuse him of anything, just replay the facts and they ask him what the $$%# is going on.

It will not be pretty and it may take a few conversations for the whole truth to come out. He will tell a few half-truths, try to make it seem like you are imaging things but in the end if he values the marrige (and is not engage in a full blown affair) he will likley eventually give you the full story - just be prepared for it to take a while. It took about 3 months before by husband told me the full story of what I happened upon and about another month for him to acknowledge that he was wrong and I had a right to be upset.

When you talk to him just keep asking questions and probing his responses. When you talk to him, try to stay calm, if you feel yourself getting angry just stop and walk away and continue the conversation another time.

Also, look at the bright side - you may have caught this at a very early stage and you could still have a happy marriage.

BTW, while I understand that you are upset about the lie re the other other woman being out of town - it is not too surprising to me that he would not volunteer that she was at the house, I am sure that he knows that you would be upset if you knew she was at the house with him alone even if nothing happened.

Good luck and I hope that it all works out.

a nearly identical situation happened to me. i actually came to this board for advice and nearly everyone jumped on the "he's having an affair and you're dumb for not leaving!" bandwagon. i'm sorry OP, but everyone here is going to project their personal situation/experience/fears on you. people who have been cheated on will tell you that's what's happening to you. people who have gone through what this poster has (like me) will say that your situation is the same too. this may sound odd but i actually discourage you from seeking advice here or from reading those infidelity boards. they will drive you crazy. and they won't help you figure out the truth any more than your own mind will. though it might help to talk to someone who is close to you in real life who is familiar with his personality and character too. only then would you have even an inkling of some sound judgment.

you do need to figure this out with your husband. whether you talk to him now or later, how different would it be? if he's going to lie now, he'll lie later. if he's going to tell the truth later, he should be able to tell you the truth now. if you go digging deeper for "more information" you may find clues in every meaningless little thing only to confirm your fears. talk to him. hear his explanation. then decide if it makes sense and whether you can live with it or need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Marriage isn't always full of roses. OP, as 09:08 said, a guy is not going to admit that this woman was over because he knows it's wrong, unless he wants out of the marriage. Speak to him in a calm manner, let him know what you saw, and let him know that you're hurt and that your concerned. Find out why this is happening and why?
The conversation will hurt no matter what.
9:08 gave you some good advice. Hopefully the relationship between your DH is strong and he will be able to chalk it up as a minor distraction which won't happen again. Don't give any ultimatums yet. Try to repair the situation and allow him to do so.

[Anonymous]

what would your DH do if the shoe were on the other foot? I would confront him, you will know if he is up to something.

[Anonymous]

Good grief, do not play games and hire people or force your husband to lie!!!! I know this is hard and humiliating and (maybe) super hurtful, but PLEASE, if you are not going to get real honest now, WHEN? JUST TALK TO HIM. Let HIM talk...maybe he is unhappy in the marriage, so let him say so. If he does not talk to you, he will (maybe) talk to her. I don't know, but you are married, like another poster said. Do this NOW!!!! BE BRAVE!!!

[Anonymous]

I'm in the camp of going into "snoop" mode. My mom found out my dad was cheating. There is a "spy" store in DC and I can't remember the name...sorry.

My mom hired a PI, tapped the phones, and had cameras. She caught ALL kinds of things. Late night phone calls, money being sent, expensive gifts, fake business trips, and she would then question his actions in and "innocent" way. The web of lies my dad spun was UNBELIEVEABLE. In spite of all of the overwhelming evidence, my dad still tried to lie and call my mom crazy and paraniod.

To say the least, they separated (after all of the months evidence gathering took place) and she took his butt to the cleaners and mopped the floor with his cheating butt.

I might sound bitter as the daughter of my father, but he said some crazy lies to his girlfriend over the phone about our family. Like that my mom was a horrible person and how all of us kids hated her and all kinds of BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone, calm down. OP, of course he's not going to admit this woman was over because he knows it's wrong.
You need to tell him what you saw. COMMUNICATE! You are married, for goodness sake. Don't stonewall and become silent; that's not going to help anything.
I personally doubt your DH is cheating (in the sense of consummating a relationship with her). He is proably bored, having a mid-life crisis, needs an ego boost, all the numerous reasons that guys stray... He knows what he's doing is wrong, feels guilty about it. Maybe he wants to get caught because he's trying to tell you something. The encounter with this other woman is a red flag that something is wrong in YOUR relationship with him and it needs to be addressed quickly, before things go too far.
I wish you luck. You will be OK. I promise.
Sometimes a crisis like this is what it takes to get everyone talking and to get a marriage back on track.

I think this post is right on. The chances that he's actually cheating right now are probably small. But it could be a call for help, so nip it in the bud now. I can't believe all the people who are advocating for hiring a PI, doing more snooping, waiting to gather evidence, inviting her over to dinner, etc. Games like that have no place in a healthy marriage, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone, calm down. OP, of course he's not going to admit this woman was over because he knows it's wrong.
You need to tell him what you saw. COMMUNICATE! You are married, for goodness sake. Don't stonewall and become silent; that's not going to help anything.
I personally doubt your DH is cheating (in the sense of consummating a relationship with her). He is proably bored, having a mid-life crisis, needs an ego boost, all the numerous reasons that guys stray... He knows what he's doing is wrong, feels guilty about it. Maybe he wants to get caught because he's trying to tell you something. The encounter with this other woman is a red flag that something is wrong in YOUR relationship with him and it needs to be addressed quickly, before things go too far.
I wish you luck. You will be OK. I promise.
Sometimes a crisis like this is what it takes to get everyone talking and to get a marriage back on track.

I think this post is right on. The chances that he's actually cheating right now are probably small. But it could be a call for help, so nip it in the bud now. I can't believe all the people who are advocating for hiring a PI, doing more snooping, waiting to gather evidence, inviting her over to dinner, etc. Games like that have no place in a healthy marriage, IMO.

This is not a healthy marriage though. I'm sorry, but sitting together in the middle of the day alone and the comments he has made about her. I think the OP has her eyes wide open. Give this guy the benefit of the doubt...puhlease. Excuses of boredom and mid-life crisis....puhlease. I'm sometimes bored in my marriage and my DH uses the same old tricks in bed and our sex life it pretty flat (at best). I work with many attractive men and it has fleetingly crossed my mind that a fling would be fun, but then I come back to planet earth, and my children, and my husband that despite his faults love me very much and I take a cold shower and press on.

I have been the target of married men actually had to quit a job because my very catholic boss who had a SAH wife with 4 lovely children who would come into have lunch with him frequently made passes at me and would stand very close. He was disgusting and vile and gave me the creeps. I'm sure his wife saw the signs, but always made excuses. gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a nearly identical situation happened to me. i actually came to this board for advice and nearly everyone jumped on the "he's having an affair and you're dumb for not leaving!" bandwagon. i'm sorry OP, but everyone here is going to project their personal situation/experience/fears on you. people who have been cheated on will tell you that's what's happening to you. people who have gone through what this poster has (like me) will say that your situation is the same too. this may sound odd but i actually discourage you from seeking advice here or from reading those infidelity boards. they will drive you crazy. and they won't help you figure out the truth any more than your own mind will. though it might help to talk to someone who is close to you in real life who is familiar with his personality and character too. only then would you have even an inkling of some sound judgment.

you do need to figure this out with your husband. whether you talk to him now or later, how different would it be? if he's going to lie now, he'll lie later. if he's going to tell the truth later, he should be able to tell you the truth now. if you go digging deeper for "more information" you may find clues in every meaningless little thing only to confirm your fears. talk to him. hear his explanation. then decide if it makes sense and whether you can live with it or need to move on.

I'm curious about this post - what ended up happening? Anyway, I'm not saying "leave the bum". I guess at the end of the day the question is does your husband want to be married to you - you can't work on the marriage, communicate, go to counseling etc. if the desire isn't there on his part. Assuming he really wants to be married to you, does he think that you may leave him if he F&^ up? There could be some guys that want to have their cake and eat it to so to speak. They like the convenience of being married but also like the variety of what else is out there but if they know they are "risking" the marriage - that could be the little voice that stops things from going too far. The other side of the equation is what are you prepared to do if the answer is he doesn't know what he wants out of the marriage, he's not sure if he wants to stay married or its worth working on, or worse yet he is the type that wants to be married but isn't worried about if something were to happen with the neighbor - are you prepared to walk or will you have to stay silent for whatever reason - money, child worries, etc. No one can answer those questions but you and your husband. So there are lots of advice out there because there are lots of situations out there - people are carrying baggage from their parents divorce and possible infidelity by a parent, people have spouses that cheated or came close to crossing the line and sometimes they could work it out and sometimes they couldn't. You are also the only one that has an idea how your husband would react if it came to a separation situation - would he hide or spend the money, is he vindictive, is he a control freak? Some people have dealt with that type of spouse or possibly dad so that may be where the advice comes from to get all your ducks in a row before you confront him.

[Anonymous]

I don't have time to read the other responses, so I apologize if this is redundant. Don't play games with your husband. Your marriage should be based on trust, so I think you need to honestly confront him with what you saw and ask him to tell you what was going on. The fact that she was over there and he didn't tell you seems really weird to me. Does he typically have a lot of people dropping by your house like this? I don't really know your situation, but I do know you need to talk about this with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in the camp of going into "snoop" mode. My mom found out my dad was cheating. There is a "spy" store in DC and I can't remember the name...sorry.

My mom hired a PI, tapped the phones, and had cameras. She caught ALL kinds of things. Late night phone calls, money being sent, expensive gifts, fake business trips, and she would then question his actions in and "innocent" way. The web of lies my dad spun was UNBELIEVEABLE. In spite of all of the overwhelming evidence, my dad still tried to lie and call my mom crazy and paraniod.

To say the least, they separated (after all of the months evidence gathering took place) and she took his butt to the cleaners and mopped the floor with his cheating butt.

I might sound bitter as the daughter of my father, but he said some crazy lies to his girlfriend over the phone about our family. Like that my mom was a horrible person and how all of us kids hated her and all kinds of BS.

I think going to the PI and do all of the sneaky things are a last option before prove to him/her that they are lying. I always think it's best to get it out into the open first and discuss it on a one to one basis. If they continue to lie, then it is time to get the proof. By the way, cheating is part of a marriage which is going awry and is all too common. Who's fault is it, we'll never know for sure why it happened. If the person who cheated is willing to make a concerted effort to make things right it can be a good growing experience. Bad broken marriages and messy divorces can affect everyone in the family horribly.

[Anonymous]

I have never been cheated on by my husband, but these are my 2 cents. First, don't jump to conclusions that your husband is cheating. Chances are that if he was having an affair, you would not have seen the interaction you did. You would have seen worse (or nothing - bc he would be super careful). Second, yes - he is lying. Why? Because as others have pointed out - he knows you would not be pleased about having this single woman in your house chatting it up w/your hubby.

You have a nanny cam, which means you have children.

Because of them, I would say give him the benefit of doubt - that he lied, but it was an innocent meeting and he is not cheating. Then, discuss it with him. Be honest and tell him exactly what you saw and how you feel. Figure out how he found himself on your couch alone with a single woman in the middle of the day.

Tell him this has hurt your ability to trust him and go to counseling. I think you owe this much to your kids.

[Anonymous]

So, I WAH. How does this conversation go?

He's sitting on his computer. Doorbell ring. Ding-Dong.
Girl says "I was baking some cookies and ran out of sugar, do you have a cup I can borrow?"
He says "Sure, why don't you come inside while I get some in the kitchen."
They somehow manage to end up on the couch thigh to thigh talking about...errrr.....what? Cookies? Baking Bread? Some asshole he's dealing with at work? How pretty her hair is?
After some tete a tete-a-tete on the sofa, he shows her the door? Or shows her his new bed spread?

I guess we'll never know, as the nanny cam is only in the family room.

[Anonymous]

OP, please come back and give us an update, please? I've been thinking about you all day and hoping you are okay.

[Anonymous]

I would definately confront him without letting him know how you found out. If he asks you can redirect the questions to him. Some men dont consider not telling the whole truth lying, especially if they think you would make a bigger deal out of something that was nothing. Im not saying that its right. But, you really need to tell him that he should be completely honest with you. I think if you let him know immediately how you found out he will be too distracted to discuss the real issues and that is whether he is bored or unhappy. Please dont act rashly or spy on him.