If you are (or have) a stepmom . . . (long message)

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound very thoughtful in that you want to please everyone. My husband's stepmom was nasty to him and wished the father had cut them off and his mom was no peach either. He calls his mom "mom" and his stepmom "stepmom" or her 1st name.

Even if you stepmom raised you and was very loving, I would not call her mom unless your mother abandoned or abused you. Just use her 1st name if it's OK. Now I would let her know how much she means to you. Even if you don't call her mom, I would send flowers and a note about how much she means to you on mother's day and do other things to show you really appreciate having her in your life and how wonderful she has been to you, but your mother is your mother.

[Anonymous]

OP, your situation is very similar to mine. I introduce my dad and his wife as my "parents" when my mom is not around. But I do have to say "stepmom" with those who know both parental units.

Perhaps you could ask her for a title she would be comfortable with. Second Mom? Other Mom? I don't know.

But now, as a divorced mom? I can feel for your bio mom. The title of "mother" is not one to be shared lightly.

[Anonymous]

OP,

If your DH remarried, what would you like your kids to call the stepmom?

[Anonymous]

I'm the stepmom and I take pride in breaking the old stereotype of being an evil bitch. I'm a great parent and know it, and thankfully the kids and their parents know it too. So I'm happy to be introduced as stepmom.

[Anonymous]

I'm a stepmother and I have a stepdaughter who is 15 and boy do I hate her. I really can't stand her. She is so rude and manipulative that I refuse to allow her in our house for more than a weekend. I also make it that she comes over 3 times a year and never on the holidays. I count the days until she turns 18 and we don't have to pay that child support check. If women lie about being in birth control and refuse to get rid of the baby then they should be solely responsible for their accidents. That is all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the stepmom and I take pride in breaking the old stereotype of being an evil bitch. I'm a great parent and know it, and thankfully the kids and their parents know it too. So I'm happy to be introduced as stepmom.

Another one who feels similarly. I AM the stepmom. And I'm a good one. I have no problem being introduced as such and the only people whose opinions matter are my husband's and my stepkids. And I expect if I am doing a good job, my step kids will probably think I am evil about 20% of the time (I try to track the same ratio as a non-stepparent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here. DSS refers to us collectively as his parents. If he's introducing us it's usually "This is my Dad and this is Jane". If I refer to him it's "our son" or "my stepson".

The word stepmom really does have so many negative connotations thanks to Disney, but it's still factually accurate. I'm not hurt by it, but do hate automatic assumptions that stepmothers are wicked and so forth. I also think it's that the word step- seems to imply an arm's length distance. I hate calling him my stepson when I've been one of his primary caretakers for the past ten years, yet it's factually inaccurate to say "my son". Again, because it seems like I'm pushing off responsibility or love for him. It's the word we're stuck with, though.

I am also a stepmom and I totally agree with this response. My stepson is now in his late 30's and I love him and I am as proud of him as much as the ones that grew inside me. FWIW, he can call me whatever he wants. He usually calls me by my first name. As far as the inlaws or outlaws or whatever, they need to grow up (or a set). If the biological Mom, or the child, has a problem with the stepmom, she needs to talk that out with her son. None of this is easy, but the adults need to leave their egos at the door and treat all with respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a stepmother and I have a stepdaughter who is 15 and boy do I hate her. I really can't stand her. She is so rude and manipulative that I refuse to allow her in our house for more than a weekend. I also make it that she comes over 3 times a year and never on the holidays. I count the days until she turns 18 and we don't have to pay that child support check. If women lie about being in birth control and refuse to get rid of the baby then they should be solely responsible for their accidents. That is all!

ANd your husband's genitals ended up in this woman accidentally? If he doesn't want a child, he wears a condom. If he's too lazy to make that $8.00 expenditure, then he steps up.

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when Iwas seven, and my mother essentially raised me ( and my sister) by herself, with the assistance of an appropriate monthly check and occasional visitation from my father. my mother died when I was 32.

I have a stepmother. She and my father began dating when I was 25, and married when I was 33. She is the person who remembers my birthday, and she has made handmade quilts for my son. She is a lovely woman, but I will never call her mother, since my mother made sure I had three meals a day and 24 hour supervision for 18 years. She was the one who went without new clothes so I could have debate team trips and college tuition. She was the person who picked me up from thousands of playdates and Mathletes meets.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a step dad who was, in my opinion, the greatest person born before my son. . He never once called my older brother and me his step children -- even when people asked. He was my Dad, even though my father is still alive (rat bastard). So I get the bond that you have with your "stepmother". Could you refer to your as your second mom, or your other mother? Personally, I think day's wife is even worse than stepmother, because it doesn't refer to any relationship you have with her.

I would also recommend telling your mom, if you haven't already, that your SM will never replace her, but something about how you are so incredibly fortunate to have two women who love and care for you. It must be scary to think that anyone can replace you as a mother, at any age, so she might need reassurance that it cannot happen.

Good luck and no matter what, enjoy it while you have it.

[Anonymous]

Can you work with your dad on this and convince him to introduce himself and your stepmom himself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

What about this is my mother, when you introduce your mother, and this is my father's wife FIRST NAME, when you introduce your stepmother.

I think your stepmother is being unreasonable by making an issue out of the term "stepmother." Especially after all these years. It strikes me as very odd. It's not the greatest word but it's the most accurate term.

Calling her your mother is disrespectful to your mother, even when your mother is not around, because she is not your mother, even if she helped raise you and you love her and all the rest. It's also confusing to folks who are hearing your refer to her as your mother. These terms are legal and social and have nothing to do with your feelings for them and they do not define their role in your life.

Sadly this type of story perpetuates the notion that stepmothers are self-involved. She needs to buck up and rise about the term. And stop making you have to deal with it.

She's your father's wife, she helped raise you, you love her. The term "stepmother" doesn't negate a stitch of that!

What if the stepparent raised the child from when they were 3 or 4? My best friend views her stepdad as her "real" and only dad because her real father was never in her life

[Anonymous]

I'm a step mom. I introduce myself as such. I have a very close relationship with my step kids now, but I went in making sure they knew I wasn't trying to take their mom's place and making sure they knew I respected that primary relationship. I thought of myself more like a close aunt who kept them safe, respected their limited time with their dad, and who had fun with them.

I don't really care about labels, though, I cared more about building the relationships in a way and at a pace that felt comfortable to the kids, who were 5-11 when I met them. It took a long time to become close. And maybe that was my initial distance. I don't know. But all is good today.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes I introduce my step-mother as my "bonus mother," since she has been (largely) a bonus in my life for the past 20+ years. But usually I just introduce her as my mother. She and my mother are NEVER in the same place, with the exception of weddings and the rare, important family event. even then, they steer pretty clear of one another so it's not a problem.

[Anonymous]

I've known my stepmom since I was a toddler, and I like her!, but I've me never introduced her as anything but my Dad's wife or stepmom. And now that I have kids, she is their grandmother. To them, she is totally an equal grandma to the others & I usually just introduce her that way.

I expect the same from my own stepson