If you are (or have) a stepmom . . . (long message)

[Anonymous]

If you are a stepmom, do you hate being introduced as such? If you have a stepmom, how do you introduce them?

My parents were married for 15 years, split when I was 9, and a few years later my dad met a woman and married her. This year marks my dad and stepmom’s 25 wedding anniversary. Mom never remarried. I’m in my mid-30s. For all intents and purposes, I have 2 moms. I love them both as individuals and love that they are both my mothers. They are civil but not friendly – long history there.

If my mom isn’t around, I always introduce my stepmom as my “mother” – b/c she is. Or I say “these are my parents” if dad is with her. But this irks my mother so I avoid introducing people to them if they are all in the same room. [Fortunately it doesn’t happen much anymore now that I’m grown and live farther away.]

However, my stepmom would be devastated if I introduced her as “stepmother” or “stepmom.” She thinks it has such an awful connotation. DH once overheard her asking someone not to refer to her as such – it was some random person at a family friend’s wedding (where all 3 of my parents were in attendance) and this person was confused b/c he thought he had just met my “mother.” So she said “I’m not her biological mother.” DH got away as quickly as he could.

I love both of my mothers. I totally get why it would piss off my mom for me to refer to my stepmom as “mother” – for the record I have never referred to her as “mom.” I call her by her first name. But I also get why it bothers my stepmom and want to be sensitive to that. My parents had 50-50 custody so my stepmom definitely raised me (she was home more often than either my dad or my mom) – and she didn’t have any bio children of her own. I could go on and on about how wonderful BOTH of these women are, but that’s not the point.

My post is more out of curiosity. We’ll all be together again soon – in a small room – and I am strategically trying to remember which of the other guests have met my dad/stepmom before so I don’t have to introduce them within earshot of my mom. My mom has met virtually all of my pals since she visits more often.

It just made me wonder if anyone deals with this – as the child or as the stepmom or the biological mom. And before you say it, yes, everyone needs to grow up a little. But our forward progress on the whole has been huge. This is one of the few problems that remains, and it doesn’t happen often, so I just take a little extra time to prepare and try to please everyone -- which again, I know isn’t a long-term solution but it’s what works for me.

[Anonymous]

Op, I don't blame your mother.
Would it bother you if she adopted a new child to replace you?
Step mother needs to get a grip.
My father has remarried a woman wo is "nice". Yes, but she is not my mother and that is that.

[Anonymous]

Stepmom here. DSS refers to us collectively as his parents. If he's introducing us it's usually "This is my Dad and this is Jane". If I refer to him it's "our son" or "my stepson".

The word stepmom really does have so many negative connotations thanks to Disney, but it's still factually accurate. I'm not hurt by it, but do hate automatic assumptions that stepmothers are wicked and so forth. I also think it's that the word step- seems to imply an arm's length distance. I hate calling him my stepson when I've been one of his primary caretakers for the past ten years, yet it's factually inaccurate to say "my son". Again, because it seems like I'm pushing off responsibility or love for him. It's the word we're stuck with, though.

[Anonymous]

O, sigh, I have a related issue and it is so annoying -- I totally feel for you. I have two MIL's, and both are lovely. Actually, I like my stepMIL more because she just doesn't carry all the baggage that a MIL does with her son, so she is much more pleasant. I always refer to both as my MIL, and our daughter knows both as her grandmothers (no stepgrandmother). But, my MIL always wants to be acknowledged in small ways as the "real" mom. Gets her feelings hurt if we do more things with the stepMIL, etc.

Seriously, I wish she would just let it go. From the DIL and granddaughter's perspectives, whatever drama went down 20+ years ago, we don't want to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

For my DH he simply calls her by her first name and, like you, will introduce them as "his parents." Mostly to avoid awkward explanations, etc. However, he is clear that he doesn't call her Mom nor does he consider her Mom. They didn't have 50/50 custody and while she is a very nice, she never acted motherly to him.

I'd say do what feels right to you and bow out of any disagreements on who is the 'real' Mom, etc. If anyone has a problem they need to deal with it amongst themselves and not involve you in the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Question for you OP. (I'm a PP):

If you father passed away first, would you take your step-Mom into your own home? Likewise, would you take your Mother into your own home?

[Anonymous]

How about something like "this is my dad Tom and Betty. And this is my mom Jean."

Or, can you introduce them in relation to, say, your children: "These are Alice's grandparents, Tom and Betty, and Alice's grandmother Jean."

[Anonymous]

I call my step mom her name, and introduce her and my dad as "my parents." Sometimes I clarify that it's my stepmom, although she is a different race than me and my biological parents, it is probably clear to anyone not to make assumptions.

[Anonymous]

OP,

What about this is my mother, when you introduce your mother, and this is my father's wife FIRST NAME, when you introduce your stepmother.

I think your stepmother is being unreasonable by making an issue out of the term "stepmother." Especially after all these years. It strikes me as very odd. It's not the greatest word but it's the most accurate term.

Calling her your mother is disrespectful to your mother, even when your mother is not around, because she is not your mother, even if she helped raise you and you love her and all the rest. It's also confusing to folks who are hearing your refer to her as your mother. These terms are legal and social and have nothing to do with your feelings for them and they do not define their role in your life.

Sadly this type of story perpetuates the notion that stepmothers are self-involved. She needs to buck up and rise about the term. And stop making you have to deal with it.

She's your father's wife, she helped raise you, you love her. The term "stepmother" doesn't negate a stitch of that!

[Anonymous]

My stepmom is the best and most loving person in the world. I LOVE her so much! In fact, I'm closer to her than I am to my mother. However, she's not my mom; she's my stepmom. I refer to her that way with pride. If your stepmom is having problems with the term stepmom, maybe what she really needs is some reassurance from you that whatever the term, she is VERY much a parent figure and a beloved family member to you. I can actually understand the negative connotation with stepmom. My stepmom doesn't mind the term, but my MIL hates the term "mother in law." so maybe I can relate. I call her my "mom in law" or "DH's name's mom" which seems to soften it. And when I'm using mom in law, I almost always add an affectionate describer, like "lovely or aweseome" to sort of imply, yeah, MILs get a bad rap but mine is great.

[Anonymous]

P.S. A man I know introduced me to his parents once at a sporting event. Then I heard his father died. I sent a condolence note about how much I enjoyed meeting him and how I loved hearing about their wonderful travels. Well, it turns out he'd introduced me to his STEP-FATHER. But didn't bother to note that. I was mortified and he was embarrassed, too. It was really awkward. So, that's a case for calling a step-parent a step-parent.

If he'd introduced his mother and his mother's husband, I would have understood.

I also think stepmother is much less loaded than it used to be. But boy, when I hear stories about a stepmother making an issue of the term, and putting a child in an awkward situation because of her hangups, it makes me mad!

OP, you should not have to deal with this!

[Anonymous]

PP, I don't think there's anything wrong in OP thinking as both women as her mom. Or introducing a step mother without defining her as a "step."

OP, it's a conundrum that fortunately won't come up very often. It's definitely better than a woman I know whose parents have been divorced since she was 5 or so, her mother remarried over 20 years ago, but her dad still refers to his ex as his "wife." Yikes!

[Anonymous]

My P.S. is to post 15:22.

[Anonymous]

15:30 I didn't say there was anything wrong with OP considering both women as her mother. (Even though I think it's a bit odd, why doesn't she just think she has a wonderful stepmother.) But I do think it is wrong for her to introduce her explicitly as her mother because a.) it would hurt her mother's feelings, which is understandable and b.) it's confusing to folks who are meeting her.

And I think it is a shame this the stepmother's issue. If she didn't mind the term, OP wouldn't be thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Do you have to introduce them? It sounds like some people have already met, and if this event is some type of informal gathering and people will not all be forced to interact with everyone else, maybe you could just conveniently not introduce anyone and then they can introduce themselves and if someone gets bent out of shape, it has nothing to do with you. Sure, it's extremely passive agressive, but when you're dealing with people who are going to take offense to anything, bowing out of their little tiff seems like it might be the healthiest thing for you.