If you are (or have) a stepmom . . . (long message)

[Anonymous]

I've had my stepdad in my life since I was about 2. He's always been Dad and I introduce him as my Dad. I also introduce my bio-Dad as my Dad. If the folks receiving the introduction overlap, I clarify (my bio-Dad, my step-Dad, etc).

My bio-Dad has had marriages after divorcing my Mom; I called all of them by their first name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had my stepdad in my life since I was about 2. He's always been Dad and I introduce him as my Dad. I also introduce my bio-Dad as my Dad. If the folks receiving the introduction overlap, I clarify (my bio-Dad, my step-Dad, etc).

My bio-Dad has had marriages after divorcing my Mom; I called all of them by their first name.

You sound like my ex-stepdaughter (I was #2 of 4).

I think it's fine to call Mom and Mom or Dad and Dad - we adopted parents, step parents, bio parents, two daddys, two mommys, we don't pick how famlies are formed - they just ARE. Whatever makes the OP and her family comfortable should be what works for them.

[Anonymous]

I'm a step mom and have no problem being introduced as such. I love my DSC but have no desire to replace her biological mom. We're all playing on the same team.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you say "step-mom" instead of "step-mother" when introducing her? It sounds more affectionate. I can see why your mother would be unhappy at sharing the term "mother" with her ex-husband's second wife. (Not saying she's right or wrong, but it's understandable.). I think in this instance your step-mom has to just go with the flow and live with the differentiation, especially in circumstances where your biological mom is present.

[Anonymous]

I have a stepmom, I refer to her as my stepmom or my dad's wife. But if I am speaking about them as a couple I might say "my parents." SOmetimes she refers to me to others as her daughter, sometimes stepdaughter. Whatever.

I also have a stepchild. I refer to myself as stepmom there because I am not the bio mom and I feel like it would be presumptuous of me to refer to myself as the mom. But by the same token I certainly would not mind (would find it touching) if my step child referred to me as mom or as part of 'my parents'. I also introduce myself as the stepmom to avoid confusion, esp when I meet parents of school friends for the first time, etc.

[Anonymous]

I don't have this issue with my own parents, but DH's parents divorced when he was in college and his dad remarried (so DH was in his 20's when his dad remarried). While DH has a good relationship with his father's second wife, DH does not consider her his step-mother, as she did not raise him and he did not meet her until he was an independent adult. He calls her by her first name, and he introduces her as his "father's wife X." Our kids do call her Grandma X, but they have know her their whole lives and consider her a grandmother. So, I think that the term step-mother already implies a kind of closeness, at least that the step-parent was involved in one's life while growing up; however, I do agree the term "step" can be construed as a distance on the relationship, but I like the suggestions to use "step-mom" - some may say that's a distinction with no difference but I do think it helps dissipate the distance that could be construed by the word "step." I have to say, as a mother myself, the idea of my kids callig a woman they meet when they are 12 years old the term "mother" or "mom" would probably crush me, no matter how close she becomes to them. If I died and DH remarried I would want him to find a partner to love and help raise our kids, but I would hope they would find a term to call her other than mother

[Anonymous]

People are so weird about names/labels. That said, my biggest issue with what to call my step-mother was driven by my dad. My mother died when I was a teenager, and they started dating maybe six months later. My dad was rather insistent that we call her "Mrs X" (she was divorced). Which worked fine for maybe the first couple years they were dating ... but by the time I had graduated from college it felt ridiculous, and I reverted to not calling her anything at all, basically, unless I had to introduce her and then I would use FirstName LastName. They got married when I was in my mid-twenties and I started making a point of calling her by her first name. I couldn't very well call her "Mrs X" any longer, since we shared the same last name! Given the chronology, there was never an issue of calling her "Mom" -- I was an adult by the time they married -- but it does feel nice to finally have a less formal name for her!

I realize this doesn't help you, but I just had to share this ridiculous story ....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so weird about names/labels. That said, my biggest issue with what to call my step-mother was driven by my dad. My mother died when I was a teenager, and they started dating maybe six months later. My dad was rather insistent that we call her "Mrs X" (she was divorced). Which worked fine for maybe the first couple years they were dating ... but by the time I had graduated from college it felt ridiculous, and I reverted to not calling her anything at all, basically, unless I had to introduce her and then I would use FirstName LastName. They got married when I was in my mid-twenties and I started making a point of calling her by her first name. I couldn't very well call her "Mrs X" any longer, since we shared the same last name! Given the chronology, there was never an issue of calling her "Mom" -- I was an adult by the time they married -- but it does feel nice to finally have a less formal name for her!

I realize this doesn't help you, but I just had to share this ridiculous story ....

That is pretty funny...calling your step-mom 'Mrs. X'

[Anonymous]

I always say, "This is my dad and his wife, Mary."* Or "This is Timmy's grandma." I call her by her name. I don't like the term "stepmom," and using "mom" would hurt my mom's feelings. In fact, my mom is offended if I refer to Mary as "stepmom" since my dad marrried Mary when I was a teen. So I have to be extra careful. Luckily, Mary is a chill woman who doesn't care what I call her.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same situation as 23:27s DH. my mom died in my 20 s and my dad remarried. I don't call his wife my stepmom because to me that term implies the relationship OP describes - somebody who helped raise you as a mom of sorts. That probably doesn't help you OP, but I think speaks to the fact that stepmom is not necessarily a negative and at least to me connotes a certain closeness.

To me, she's my dad's wife and children's grandmother and a great woman all around.

[Anonymous]

My stepmother complained about being called that. But she was a total nightmare bee-yotch.

I think you need to stop trying to manage everyone's feelings here. If stepmom wants to feel hurt for being referred to accurately, that is her problem. Call her "Mary," or "my dad's wife Mary."

[Anonymous]

I'm a stepmom and have no problems being called that or introduced as such, because it's what I am. But I have a stepmother as well (she and my father married the year I graduated high school, so she did not raise me in any way) and I remember shortly after my daughter was born, DH and I went up to visit her and my father. My dad was returning from a work trip late, so DH, stepmother, DD and I went out to dinner. While waiting on a table, we ran into a friend of my stepmother's. She introduced us as "John's daughter, her husband, and his granddaughter." I think after she said it she realized it sounded weird because she tacked on, "And she (DD) is my little gem!" It was so awkward because she basically made it sound as if she had no connection to us whatsoever- we solely belonged to my dad. I remember thinking, "Why not just say this is my stepdaughter and her family and my new little granddaughter"? It would have sounded so much nicer. I know she's not my "mom" but we are family and her introduction made it sound like we were mere acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

I say stepmother, but if I'm referring to them I might, as shorthand, say "my parents" as in "my parents are coming into town." Even better, I say "the grandparents are coming" since we think of stepmom as a grandmother too.

[Anonymous]

Ewwwwww.....I never, ever say stepmom, always "my father's wife." She married Dad when I was in my late 30s though.

[Anonymous]

My step-mother is so mean she spoils her real daughter and gives her whatever she wants. My step-mother favorites her real daughter. And I'm the older one so my step-mother says that I need to act mature but I do. I wanna live with my real mom but I don't have the guts to tell her AND my dad!