Black and Jewish

[Anonymous]

Wow, if both my husband and I died, I wouldn't expect family to take them to a different place of worship than they go themselves.
The idea is that you and your husband will be dead and the family taking in your children will take them in and love them as if they were their own. They can certainly introduce the faith, but I don't see how you can expect someone to change for your children. They will have enough to do just taking in your children. Isn't it enough that they are loved and taken care of? Do you have to dictate from your grave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think of the two choices?

In his words, being Jewish is a big part of her everyday life (friends, community, synagogue, holidays etc.) so aside from being black, she has nothing in common with his family.

It doesn't matter to society that Judaism is a big part of her life. People will be looking at skin color. So if you choose your side over his, I'd make certain that she is in contact with ALL kids - especially those who mirror her.

I have a Jewish friend who adopted two Asian children and another who adopted an AA child. Personally, it will be a bit harder on the African American child should something happen to her parent b/c it's not often you see an AA who's a practicing Jew - whereas I have seen plenty of adopted Asian kids living in Jewish households.

Family can "protect" you only so much before you have to hit the real world, and think how confusing her life could potentially be if she sees few people who look like her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think of the two choices?

In his words, being Jewish is a big part of her everyday life (friends, community, synagogue, holidays etc.) so aside from being black, she has nothing in common with his family.

It doesn't matter to society that Judaism is a big part of her life. People will be looking at skin color. So if you choose your side over his, I'd make certain that she is in contact with ALL kids - especially those who mirror her.

I have a Jewish friend who adopted two Asian children and another who adopted an AA child. Personally, it will be a bit harder on the African American child should something happen to her parent b/c it's not often you see an AA who's a practicing Jew - whereas I have seen plenty of adopted Asian kids living in Jewish households.

Family can "protect" you only so much before you have to hit the real world, and think how confusing her life could potentially be if she sees few people who look like her.

PP, have you ever heard of Ethiopian Jews?

Or Rain Pryor (Richard Pryor's daughter)?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, but are not those ethiopian Jews in Israel. OP said her family was an English speaking country, so I doubt she will find very many Ethiopian Jews in the U.K.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think of the two choices?

In his words, being Jewish is a big part of her everyday life (friends, community, synagogue, holidays etc.) so aside from being black, she has nothing in common with his family.

It doesn't matter to society that Judaism is a big part of her life. People will be looking at skin color. So if you choose your side over his, I'd make certain that she is in contact with ALL kids - especially those who mirror her.

I have a Jewish friend who adopted two Asian children and another who adopted an AA child. Personally, it will be a bit harder on the African American child should something happen to her parent b/c it's not often you see an AA who's a practicing Jew - whereas I have seen plenty of adopted Asian kids living in Jewish households.

Family can "protect" you only so much before you have to hit the real world, and think how confusing her life could potentially be if she sees few people who look like her.

PP, have you ever heard of Ethiopian Jews?

Or Rain Pryor (Richard Pryor's daughter)?

Yes

And I've heard of Sammy Davis Jr, too. What's your point?

Do you think OP's kid knows who Rain is?

I work in a very diverse public school. We have many Africans. I have yet to meet or to teach an Ethiopian Jew, as most are Christian or Muslim.

FWIW, my son attends a Jewish preschool. We're Catholic. So I am not an anti-Semite. far from it

I am, however, practical. And people will FIRST judge you on looks.

[Anonymous]

When we made this decision we went with two underlying factors.

1) The decision will change over time and that is ok.
2) We talked about it with the people we were considering and asked for their feedback.

We've changed our wills once already.

In the end, we have a family member who we trust to do what is best for our children and for herself, but that that may involve her moving here. We have made sure we have enough insurance to cover the house so she would have minimal costs, and the other side of the family will probably make a lot of effort to visit frequently to help and support where ever she chooses to live with the children.

If her life circumstances change, we wil reconsider our decision again, and we know she is comfortable talking with us about it.

Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

OP's DD will not have the same cultural background as an Ethiopian Jewish child. You have to consider the same for most Biracial Americans with an African-American racial mixture and African Americans, these groups have very little in common with native born Africans.

[Anonymous]

OP, we in a somewhat similar situation went with the relative we thought he'd be closest to during the hardest first years based on current relationships. This will mean that his Jewish education would cease, so I just hope my work on forging that identity would have been strong enough. Something had to give.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for the comments. We have a lot to think about but I agree that we will need to reevaluate as DD gets older

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your husband think of the two choices?

In his words, being Jewish is a big part of her everyday life (friends, community, synagogue, holidays etc.) so aside from being black, she has nothing in common with his family.

It doesn't matter to society that Judaism is a big part of her life. People will be looking at skin color. So if you choose your side over his, I'd make certain that she is in contact with ALL kids - especially those who mirror her.

I have a Jewish friend who adopted two Asian children and another who adopted an AA child. Personally, it will be a bit harder on the African American child should something happen to her parent b/c it's not often you see an AA who's a practicing Jew - whereas I have seen plenty of adopted Asian kids living in Jewish households.

Family can "protect" you only so much before you have to hit the real world, and think how confusing her life could potentially be if she sees few people who look like her.

PP, have you ever heard of Ethiopian Jews?

Or Rain Pryor (Richard Pryor's daughter)?

Yes

And I've heard of Sammy Davis Jr, too. What's your point?

Do you think OP's kid knows who Rain is?

I work in a very diverse public school. We have many Africans. I have yet to meet or to teach an Ethiopian Jew, as most are Christian or Muslim.

FWIW, my son attends a Jewish preschool. We're Catholic. So I am not an anti-Semite. far from it

I am, however, practical. And people will FIRST judge you on looks.

I did not accuse you of anti-semitism. Not sure how you jump from point a to point b. Your remark about an Asian child vs. a black child raised in a Jewish household seems absurd as is choosing a guardian based on how other people perceive you. Who cares what people think.

OP is lucky that both sides of her child's family would be loving and caring. She's trying to figure out which would be the best fit, and I don't think there's a clear cut answer to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Glad I have friends. My kids would be screwed if I had to rely on family.

Here here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd go with the in-country guardians.

'Cause they be American. YE-HAW!

No, because the child shares their nationality and dominant culture.

Er, not necessarily. Nationality yes, dominant culture -- well, in my experience, Southern Baptists are a completely different culture from Northeast Jews. American culture is filtered through many lenses and I have often felt I had more in common with Jewish friends from other countries (Britain, Australia), than deeply Christian friends from the US.

If you want her to grow up with a sense of being Jewish, I'd go with the Jewish relatives. I don't know that I'd worry about people "judging" based on her race, they will do that anyway. I mean, no one walks down the street and looks at me and thinks, "hey, there's a Jew" -- they think, "hey, there's a white chick." And then after they get to know me maybe they consider the Jewishness.

And I have known a number of black American Jews, all either adopted or part of a mixed-race family. It is unusual but not as unusual as it used to be.

Of course, hopefully none of this will ever be necessary, but it's a good thing to think about.

[Anonymous]

I would not fight over this
OP, you will not die. You will live to be old and your kids will not be left stranded with strange relatives

If it was up to me. I would choose the black family. I say this because I perceive them as being very warm people. With the jewish, you really have to be jewish to be accepted

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Glad I have friends. My kids would be screwed if I had to rely on family.

Here here

OP, I think that the willingness and ability to keep the child connected to both sides of her family, while parenting in a way that's acceptable to you, trumps all. I might look for a third party, if I were you.

The quoted above is us, too. Though I don't have the Jewish cultural and religious overlay to consider (we're Episcopalian), my DD is biracial, and I decided that neither her (deceased) father's family or mine could fully do right by her if I were to die. So, her guardians are people who are my dear friends, but not related by blood. I know that they'll cultivate her AA/French bi-racial identity, develop her character and intellect just as I would have done, irrespective of their race and the faith that she learns while in their care. More importantly, I know that they would welcome and involve both sides of her birth family in her life. Can't say that about my (AA) family or her father's (caucasian agnostic/Catholic French) family. My daughter's guardians are a white, Quaker/agnostic couple, who I know will uphold my desire for DD to be fully fluent in French (so she can communicate with the in-laws), to be fully aware of her African-American heritage, and who will parent her to be a kind, thoughtful human being, with reference to her race and religion, but the without limitations prescribed by the same.

It's not perfect, but what guadianship plan is? Both parents dead? That's a dictionary definition of "stuff that sucks and screws with my head, fodder for therapy." There's nothing that I, as her parent, can do to change that, I can only mitigate by appointing guardians who will love her like I do and who share my values across the board, even if they practice a different religion and are of a different race.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd go with the in-country guardians.

'Cause they be American. YE-HAW!

No, because the child shares their nationality and dominant culture.

Er, not necessarily. Nationality yes, dominant culture -- well, in my experience, Southern Baptists are a completely different culture from Northeast Jews. American culture is filtered through many lenses and I have often felt I had more in common with Jewish friends from other countries (Britain, Australia), than deeply Christian friends from the US.

If you want her to grow up with a sense of being Jewish, I'd go with the Jewish relatives. I don't know that I'd worry about people "judging" based on her race, they will do that anyway. I mean, no one walks down the street and looks at me and thinks, "hey, there's a Jew" -- they think, "hey, there's a white chick." And then after they get to know me maybe they consider the Jewishness.

And I have known a number of black American Jews, all either adopted or part of a mixed-race family. It is unusual but not as unusual as it used to be.

Of course, hopefully none of this will ever be necessary, but it's a good thing to think about.

Dominant culture as in US culture, the same that you and I share although we're of different backgrounds and live in different states.

And it's easy for you to say that you wouldn't worry about race- you're white, a member of the dominant race in the US.