Is my friend a b**** or am I?

[Anonymous]

I have tons of friends that aren't kid friendly. Don't take it personally. As a mom I sometimes visit friends or family without my kids and do NOT want to spend time with their kids. I'm on a break and need some adult time!!!

[Anonymous]

This is so weird. I don't have kids. Is it really expected that you would visit you friend's children? And inquire after them? I understand family but friends? Isn't that what grandparents and siblings do? I feel like friends are for you, and you alone? I mean, I don't visit my friend's ailing parents either.

[Anonymous]

I would let it go...Enjoy the night out without kids...have some wine, and a relaxing dinner.

[Anonymous]

Your friend is not a bitch. I have a toddler and another on the way and would never expect any friend doing a short visit to come pay tribute to my children. What a weird concept! In fact, I would actually appreciate taking a break and going to see her by myself. Since you asked, I don't think you're a bitch, but you sound self-centered and/or clueless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that it's pretty normal for her not to want to bring her new guy around to meet your LO. BUT, what sucks is that she hasn't made an effort to come down and visit and spend time with you, for you. That is what would signal that maybe the friendship isn't what it used to be....

I have a sibling who has made a similar (lack of) effort to visit me and my now 7 month old son. One visit down from NYC when he was 6 weeks old. That's it. I DO hold it against her, and while I understand that she's single and doesn't have kids of her own, I am her sister, this is her nephew, she sucks. My out of town friends have made a larger effort than that.

But this assumes that you have made an effort to visit them similar to the effort you are expecting from them. Becoming a parent doesn't mean that others should visit you while you stay at home. If you stay at home, then expect others to do the same. It sounds like the OP made one visit in a year. It seems like she should give it a little more time before she declares the friendship uneven.

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I disagree. A FTM with a new baby should NOT have to make the same effort as her single, without children, friends to travel. Are you serious? Selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so weird. I don't have kids. Is it really expected that you would visit you friend's children? And inquire after them? I understand family but friends? Isn't that what grandparents and siblings do? I feel like friends are for you, and you alone? I mean, I don't visit my friend's ailing parents either.

Yes. It is. Don't you have friends who have had babies? I was not the first of my friends to have children and I made every effort to meet their new arrivals, check in on them, and provide support to them. AND, I do help out my friends with ailing parents. You sound like a shitty friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that it's pretty normal for her not to want to bring her new guy around to meet your LO. BUT, what sucks is that she hasn't made an effort to come down and visit and spend time with you, for you. That is what would signal that maybe the friendship isn't what it used to be....

I have a sibling who has made a similar (lack of) effort to visit me and my now 7 month old son. One visit down from NYC when he was 6 weeks old. That's it. I DO hold it against her, and while I understand that she's single and doesn't have kids of her own, I am her sister, this is her nephew, she sucks. My out of town friends have made a larger effort than that.

But this assumes that you have made an effort to visit them similar to the effort you are expecting from them. Becoming a parent doesn't mean that others should visit you while you stay at home. If you stay at home, then expect others to do the same. It sounds like the OP made one visit in a year. It seems like she should give it a little more time before she declares the friendship uneven.

\

I disagree. A FTM with a new baby should NOT have to make the same effort as her single, without children, friends to travel. Are you serious? Selfish.

I don't think its selfish. I also don't think that a FTM has to travel out of town to visit her friends. I know that I didn't do this when I had young children. I do think that a FTM (or anyone, for that matter) who doesn't travel out of town to visit friends can't then be mad at those friends for not visiting. Single, childless people do have a greater responsibility to the friendship to travel. If traveling is going to be curtailed for a few years, it is acceptable that it is curtailed on both sides.

[Anonymous]

That should read single people "do not have a greater responsibility to travel"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The quick story is this:

Dear friend and I have known each other for 10+ years. Went to college together, she was in my wedding, she lives in nyc, we made trips back and forth at least 1x/year on both of our parts over the years. I had a baby over a year ago. She came to DC once (last summer) for the weekend and spent a few hours with him. Fine. Great.

We chat every month or so and she always says she wants to come down again bla bla bla but she is super busy, maybe next month. Whatever. Fine. I get a call from her today saying she is seeing a new guy and he hasn’t been to DC and they are coming down this weekend and would I be free for dinner one night? Of course I say yes. She proceeds to tell me their plans – tourist-y type crap because he has never been. Now, though I did not come out and directly say, “will you be seeing my child while you are in town?” its pretty clear she has no intention to do so.

My feelings are hurt and I am slightly pissed.

Not only does it seem like DS and myself aren’t good enough to warrant a visit on our own, but she has seen my baby ONCE since he was born 16 months ago and can’t make the time to do so on this trip bc she needs to play tour guide for some random guy that (given her history) will no doubt be gone in a few months.

Do I have a right to be mad? Am I being too sensitive? Should I say anything or just ignore?

Ignore. Your DS is only the center of your world and you need to remember this. Stop so damn ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

World doesn't revolve around you and your damn kid. How many trips to NYC have you made??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I agree that it's pretty normal for her not to want to bring her new guy around to meet your LO. BUT, what sucks is that she hasn't made an effort to come down and visit and spend time with you, for you. That is what would signal that maybe the friendship isn't what it used to be....

I have a sibling who has made a similar (lack of) effort to visit me and my now 7 month old son. One visit down from NYC when he was 6 weeks old. That's it. I DO hold it against her, and while I understand that she's single and doesn't have kids of her own, I am her sister, this is her nephew, she sucks. My out of town friends have made a larger effort than that.

But this assumes that you have made an effort to visit them similar to the effort you are expecting from them. Becoming a parent doesn't mean that others should visit you while you stay at home. If you stay at home, then expect others to do the same. It sounds like the OP made one visit in a year. It seems like she should give it a little more time before she declares the friendship uneven.

\

I disagree. A FTM with a new baby should NOT have to make the same effort as her single, without children, friends to travel. Are you serious? Selfish.

I don't think its selfish. I also don't think that a FTM has to travel out of town to visit her friends. I know that I didn't do this when I had young children. I do think that a FTM (or anyone, for that matter) who doesn't travel out of town to visit friends can't then be mad at those friends for not visiting. Single, childless people do have a greater responsibility to the friendship to travel. If traveling is going to be curtailed for a few years, it is acceptable that it is curtailed on both sides.

Sure, it's "acceptable", if you don't want to see your friends for a few years....which isn't really acceptable at all if you want to maintain a friendship. When I didn't have children, I made an effort to go visit my friends BECAUSE I knew it would be easier for me than them to travel. Pretty inconsiderate not to see that and act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree. It isn't all about you.

Amen. Get over yourself/ it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dont say anything but just realize that you are growing apart. It's sad but I lost friends when I got married and more when I had a baby. You have different priorities but in my case my single friends were jealous and there was too much negativity so I had to move on.

Right. If by "jealous" you mean "bored that you turned into one of 'those women' that can only talk about her kid."

[Anonymous]

Just seeing a bunch of either bitter people whose friends abandoned them when they had kids, or shitty friends who abandoned their child-rearing friends.

It doesn't have to be that way. I'm really kind of shocked at the attitudes on this thread. Friends should be there to support one another through life's various seasons. If that means you put more effort out to visit your sick/pregnant/stressed/otherwise needy friend, you do it. They will return the favor when it's you who isn't as able to bring as much to the table.

Maybe you people don't have real friends...

As for OP, it is totally understandable why this friend doesn't want to visit your kid with her new BF. The trip isn't about visiting YOU, it's about going on a trip with her boyfriend. Invite her down some other time to stay with you for a weekend.

[Anonymous]

*aren't* not *isn't* sorry.