Do you ever wish your adopted child were more like you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No but sometimes I do wish my bio child were a lot less like me.

Wish bio kid was a lot less like DH. A lot, lot less.

Hah. Me, too! I would never have imagined that "control freak" was a genetic trait, but now I know.

[Anonymous]

I am mother of 3 sons. Two adopted and one biological. Yes, when I am most honest with myself, in the quiet moments of my life, I realize that I do have a favorite child. I It feels horrible to even write that, and I hope my 3 kids never feel or sense that. But I have found myself most attached to one of my (adopted) sons. He is the most like me. We get along and always have. He is a young man now, and is truly a kindred spirit. I have never met such a gentle, calm, intelligent and generous person, and I am so blessed to have been given the opportunity to raise him. I would so love to meet his birth parents some day, as I am sure he carries these lovely traits from them. He has been this way since birth. We don't have every interest in common, and we don't need to, but our personalities are in common, if that makes sense.

I find that I do not have that same personality chemistry with my bio child and my other adopted child. So my relationships with them require more "work" and effort. That is part of family life and the effort is always worth it. But I do think a parent's connection with a child has everything to do with personality, and no with how they came into the family (by birth or adoption or stepchild). I love all 3 kids, and would do anything for them. But I know in my heart that there is a special place for my adopted son who is a ray of sunshine for me and for many people. I don't have to be genetically related to him to feel that. I am not genetically related to my wonderful husband, and I feel that connection and chemistry also.

[Anonymous]

No never.

My adopted child is the exact opposite of me and that's a good thing. I am as pessmistic as they come and she is totally ms. half glass full.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any adopted children, but I am an adoptee. I'm thankful that I'm nothing like my aparents.

[Anonymous]

I feel this way everyday. I can't relate to my 2 dd girls. They don't listen or respect me like I did with my parents. They can't read or write well despite tons of help and they just don't care

[Anonymous]

What a sad post

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am mother of 3 sons. Two adopted and one biological. Yes, when I am most honest with myself, in the quiet moments of my life, I realize that I do have a favorite child. I It feels horrible to even write that, and I hope my 3 kids never feel or sense that. But I have found myself most attached to one of my (adopted) sons. He is the most like me. We get along and always have. He is a young man now, and is truly a kindred spirit. I have never met such a gentle, calm, intelligent and generous person, and I am so blessed to have been given the opportunity to raise him. I would so love to meet his birth parents some day, as I am sure he carries these lovely traits from them. He has been this way since birth. We don't have every interest in common, and we don't need to, but our personalities are in common, if that makes sense.

I find that I do not have that same personality chemistry with my bio child and my other adopted child. So my relationships with them require more "work" and effort. That is part of family life and the effort is always worth it. But I do think a parent's connection with a child has everything to do with personality, and no with how they came into the family (by birth or adoption or stepchild). I love all 3 kids, and would do anything for them. But I know in my heart that there is a special place for my adopted son who is a ray of sunshine for me and for many people. I don't have to be genetically related to him to feel that. I am not genetically related to my wonderful husband, and I feel that connection and chemistry also.

This goes against everything being said here.

I would say however in my family that there are definite commonalities shared between the genetically related ones. Many of the guys (my brother, nephew, father, male cousins) have a similar gait and speech pattern. It is bizarre. they all sound the same and walk the same even though they have been raised in different families - the biological link there is strong. We are also as an entire family pretty much tone deaf with no musical people in the family other than one of my adopted cousins. I do think nature plays a significant role but I also think that biologically everything we are is inherited from the man and woman who created us and that can't be dismissed.

[Anonymous]

Our DC has some similar traits to each of us and some that are hers alone. We each related to each other differently and deeply. Of course, I wish DC had all our kind, loving, intelligent, etc. traits and not our more difficult characteristics. DC feels deeply loved and is very much herself, that's what's most important to us.

BTW, as the one in my family of origin who never felt similar to my family members at all, I can safely say that its not easy and that DC feels completely comfortable with us.

DC does not look like us and its not a factor, however we're white and she's another ethnicity so others may feel differently and so far have wisely kept their mouths closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this is an incendiary question. Obviously, a bio child can be very different from his/her parents. But the older my DD gets (early teens), I can't help but notice how opposite we are in personality, interests, etc. Of course, part of it is that most teens want to be the antithesis of their parents. But I sometimes I ask myself if I had been able to have a bio child if she would be more musical like me, love to read, be left handed, etc. I love her very much the way she is, but sometimes I can't help but wonder beyond looks, what a child might have inherited from me.

NP here. I'm not an adoptee or an adoptive parent, so I can't speak to those experiences. I read this as being about a new stage of grief for your experience of infertility and the inability to have a child of your body. It has nothing to do with your actual child and you should try not to make it about her and her differences. You can never know what a bio child would have been like, and the experience or option of knowing was something you were not able to choose. That is the loss that you have to accept and come to terms with, completely separately from your real life experience with your real life daughter. That's a completely normal process, and you need to not romanticize it or make it about getting along better or being more similar or whatever. Of course a bio child would have been imperfect, but it's not about what the child might or might not have been, it's about the fact that you were prevented from having that chance. Which is completely unrelated to the chance you *were* given, to be the parent to the wonderful child you do have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is absolutely not weird, her feelings are valid, while you may not agree with them, they are still her feelings. I am an adult adoptee and can see where OP is coming from. I was an only child and had tons of cousins who were all biologically related and at times throughout my life I wish I either looked more like them or did something more like them. When I became pregnant, there was something oddly comforting that I would finally have one person in my life who shared the same genetic traits. I know it sounds ridiculous to some people but DS was all I had in that respect. Then I had DD and again I felt that same feeling. Of course as I grew up people told me I looked just like my mom, or did this or that just like her. I do think we have a lot in common but when someone tells me DD has my eyes or DS looks exactly like me I know that there is no area of grey like there was when people told me that as a child.

I don't have identity issues, I am very please with my life, love my parents and can't imagine anyone better to have raised me but I do still understand what OP is saying.

I have heard this from all of my adult friends who are adoptees, that they just want to look at someone and have that comfort of familiarity that some of the traits they see in the mirror are reflected back in someone else's face. I know people who have searched for their bio parents for years, had one or two meetings with them, and never maintained contact after that, but were able to just have that one moment of a physically familiar (because it's like yourself) presence.