Do you ever wish your adopted child were more like you?

[Anonymous]

I'm 19:57. I'm also an adoptee and am preparing to adopt a child. It's not good for the OP or her child for these feelings go unaddressed. She needs to understand where they come from and process whatever that is, so I would caution folks not to go all DCUM harsh on her and to give her the space to talk it out here. We've clearly proved the point that being adopted is not related to how much one is like or not like his or her parents, so the real question for OP is why she feels this need to see herself reflected in her DD.

I'll start by offering that this is something my DH struggles with as well and is why we have not yet filed our adoption paperwork. DH believes that having his DNA carry on will somehow magically make him immortal and that it will connect him to his family in a way he doesn't feel connected now. At root, these feelings stem from his own sense of deep alienation from his family, who live very different lives from us and his belief that being part of a family imbues individuals with a kind of immortality. DH is afraid that without the DNA connection, he would have no connection to his family, that he would no longer belong, and that his life would go unnoticed. (FTR- he is in therapy and getting help with these powerful existential emotions. No, we won't adopt until he's resolved them.)

So, OP, your turn. Where do you think this might come from? What does it mean for *you* to see yourself in your DD?

[Anonymous]

OP is weird

[Anonymous]

OP is absolutely not weird, her feelings are valid, while you may not agree with them, they are still her feelings. I am an adult adoptee and can see where OP is coming from. I was an only child and had tons of cousins who were all biologically related and at times throughout my life I wish I either looked more like them or did something more like them. When I became pregnant, there was something oddly comforting that I would finally have one person in my life who shared the same genetic traits. I know it sounds ridiculous to some people but DS was all I had in that respect. Then I had DD and again I felt that same feeling. Of course as I grew up people told me I looked just like my mom, or did this or that just like her. I do think we have a lot in common but when someone tells me DD has my eyes or DS looks exactly like me I know that there is no area of grey like there was when people told me that as a child.

I don't have identity issues, I am very please with my life, love my parents and can't imagine anyone better to have raised me but I do still understand what OP is saying.

[Anonymous]

OP is absolutely not weird, her feelings are valid, while you may not agree with them, they are still her feelings. I am an adult adoptee and can see where OP is coming from. I was an only child and had tons of cousins who were all biologically related and at times throughout my life I wish I either looked more like them or did something more like them. When I became pregnant, there was something oddly comforting that I would finally have one person in my life who shared the same genetic traits. I know it sounds ridiculous to some people but DS was all I had in that respect. Then I had DD and again I felt that same feeling. Of course as I grew up people told me I looked just like my mom, or did this or that just like her. I do think we have a lot in common but when someone tells me DD has my eyes or DS looks exactly like me I know that there is no area of grey like there was when people told me that as a child.

I don't have identity issues, I am very please with my life, love my parents and can't imagine anyone better to have raised me but I do still understand what OP is saying.

You sound like a compassionate and loving individual.

[Anonymous]

As a scientist, I wish to point out that the instinct of passing on one's genes is all-powerful. Individuals recognize each other as genetically related and this motivates them to form tribes to better protect themselves against external dangers, including strangers.

OP's emotions are perfectly natural in that sense.
And even though she probably adopted her DC years ago, identity/relationship crises have a nasty habit of resurfacing in times of stress - like having a moody teen around .

I would even say that in a loving relationship some general type of questioning is healthy for both involved. Parents of bio children do it, too. A degree of distance must develop between parent and child in order for the child to become an adult. There is nothing like measured conflict to create that.

[Anonymous]

OP was wrong to adopt.
The kid was placed for adoption in the hopes that it was getting a better home.

[Anonymous]

8:08 you are a fool, OP never said she didn't love her child and wasn't providing DC a wonderful home.

[Anonymous]

Op, I wish You and your child peace. My brother was adopted and h still, at age 41, longs for someone who looks like him or is genetically connected to him. We have discussed this often as He cannot have biological children and I am struggling with TTC and might consider a donor egg or adoption. OPs questions are valid, let her work through them. Adoption isn't some magic process which makes human emotions, thoughts and feelings disappear. Everyone deals with things differently. That being said, my brother acts a lot like my mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is absolutely not weird, her feelings are valid, while you may not agree with them, they are still her feelings. I am an adult adoptee and can see where OP is coming from. I was an only child and had tons of cousins who were all biologically related and at times throughout my life I wish I either looked more like them or did something more like them. When I became pregnant, there was something oddly comforting that I would finally have one person in my life who shared the same genetic traits. I know it sounds ridiculous to some people but DS was all I had in that respect. Then I had DD and again I felt that same feeling. Of course as I grew up people told me I looked just like my mom, or did this or that just like her. I do think we have a lot in common but when someone tells me DD has my eyes or DS looks exactly like me I know that there is no area of grey like there was when people told me that as a child.

I don't have identity issues, I am very please with my life, love my parents and can't imagine anyone better to have raised me but I do still understand what OP is saying.

I understand what you are saying, but this is an entirely different situation than OP's. She was not adopted, at least not that she has shared, and so presumably has shared genetics with her parents, siblings, etc. You are writing from the perspective of her adopted child, not the parent who does have shared genes- if she wants to see someone like her, she only has to look to her parents or siblings.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm sorry so many of you see me as a terrible parent, but thank you to those who declared me "not weird." I love my child so much and don't care at all that we don't look alike in any way. But sometimes I just wish we had some personality traits in common, even though I treasure the person my daughter is becoming in her own right (even when she's being a moody teen).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm sorry so many of you see me as a terrible parent, but thank you to those who declared me "not weird." I love my child so much and don't care at all that we don't look alike in any way. But sometimes I just wish we had some personality traits in common, even though I treasure the person my daughter is becoming in her own right (even when she's being a moody teen).

OP, surely you and your child have more traits alike than you think. Don't discount nurture, you know.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally understand, tho my kids are bio. My DD is so different from me, it's amazing! I have to say that it's brought out new traits in me. She likes "girl" stuff much more than I and I'm finding myself really enjoying that. Teaching her to cook (even tho I don't do it much myself), taking great pains to decorate cupcakes just so, wearing more dresses/skirts/pink, having fun giving in to the tea parties and Barbies when I would rather play Legos. Anyway, just a possibly stupid suggestion to look at some of her traits that maybe could be things you would enjoy. You might be surprised! This now somewhat reformed Tom Boy sure is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm sorry so many of you see me as a terrible parent, but thank you to those who declared me "not weird." I love my child so much and don't care at all that we don't look alike in any way. But sometimes I just wish we had some personality traits in common, even though I treasure the person my daughter is becoming in her own right (even when she's being a moody teen).

Another I adopted a kid, wish it was more like me. Poor me, do others feel the same way etc

Did you get any pre-adoption counseling? Did anybody mention this before

[Anonymous]

you should read about Nature vs Nurture. Genetics Vs Epigenetics. You will be surprised about the evolution about the scientific studies.

[Anonymous]

My adopted child is so like me, it's almost scary. Grant it they pick up some of your personality by living with you daily and watching you. She is more like me as an adult then the way I was as a child. She pushes back more but I think it will serve her well later in life.