Someone please explain me marriage in America

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was married for 22 years. Their accounts were all joint. He took care of everything. She had, and still doesn't, have any clue how to budget, set aside for retirement or savings. She had no part in the money management process throughout their entire marriage.

I don't ever want to be that way. There. That's why we have yours/mine/ours accounts.

I'm someone who posted earlier who is on the extreme and has had a joint account since we were dating and properties owned....

However, I do NOT think that the status of your bank account determines if you are "all in" or not.

My mom was a SAH and they had joint accounts. Apparantly my dad was not "all in", as he traded her in for a younger, perkier model. They divorced despite having joint bank accounts. A joint bank account is not a litmus test to predict a successful marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have separate accounts, and honestly, it would feel weird to me to do things the way you do them, the same way it would be weird to share an email account with my husband or to have a shared cell phone. I have my bank account, where my checks go, and he has his. We don't share credit cards. Our names are both on the mortgage and the utilities, but that's it. It works for us to have one person designated to deal with mortgage, one person designated to deal with the power bill, water bill, daycare bill, etc.

I say "it would feel weird to me" because while I love my husband and our marriage is great, it is important to me that we also maintain our independence. People are probably going to throw out ideas like "what if you get divorced" and I agree that in the extremely unlikely event that we were to divorce, you would have a harder time separating financially from your husband than I would. To me, getting a joint bank account when I got married felt exactly the same as changing my name. Why would I give up the name I've always had? Why would I close the bank accounts and credit card accounts that predate my marriage in favor of a new, joint account? It was not a symbolic gesture that I wanted to make.

If it sounds like I am judging the way you do things, that is probably a little bit true, but your post seems to assume that my marriage is "abnormal" because we don't share a bank account and that's ridiculous. My bank account number has NOTHING to do with my marriage.

So, you really were NOT "all in" on your marriage.

How is PP not "all in" on her marriage? What's wrong with being independent & protecting yourself? People change - sometimes in different directions. While it's syrupy sweet to think love lasts forever, it's really naive, as many of us will end up divorced. I already know 4 women in that situation, and all four are grateful for their decision to keep their financial independence/jobs.

I'm the PP who is apparently not all in, and thanks, PP, for your support.

I just wanted to make it crystal clear though for people who seem to doubt it that I for one am not retaining my separate financial accounts out of a fear of divorce. I am not in any way concerned about divorce, nor do I think that one should consider potential divorce as a factor in making marital decisions. Our not combining was, as another PP said, inertia. I was simply pointing out that on this board, in this area, many people WILL say that you should maintain some kind of financial independence in the event of divorce. I do not personally think that, but there are a lot of people who do.

[Anonymous]

We don't separate finances. I assume most don't.

The people I know who do have separate finances fall mostly into two categories. The first is that one started out with significantly more financial resources (self-made or inherited) and feels proprietary about it. The more common one is that the marriage occurred at a point in life (35+) where the two people already had developed significant resources in their own name (real estate, investments, cash) and it felt more natural to them to let things be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have totally joint accounts. But a lot of people married later in life and had been managing their own money for years before they met. It can be hard to all of a sudden merge all your money when you have two different spending/saving styles. Easier for some couples to have some joint money and some individual money. I'm single and 39 so if I married, I'd do it this way - I will never be comfortable with an 100% joint account. (and I have assets and a child to protect.)

something is wrong if you are still single and 39 (trust issues) and it will show when you are married with your seperate accounts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have totally joint accounts. But a lot of people married later in life and had been managing their own money for years before they met. It can be hard to all of a sudden merge all your money when you have two different spending/saving styles. Easier for some couples to have some joint money and some individual money. I'm single and 39 so if I married, I'd do it this way - I will never be comfortable with an 100% joint account. (and I have assets and a child to protect.)

something is wrong if you are still single and 39 (trust issues) and it will show when you are married with your seperate accounts

What a ridiculous statement. Don't be hateful, PP.

[Anonymous]

I was 24 when I got married, with no assets to speak of. We still keep separate accounts more than 10 years later, but it just enables us to move freely and whoever has the available cash pays the bill that is due. No drama, no lack of trust, just no compelling reason to merge accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of people have totally joint accounts. But a lot of people married later in life and had been managing their own money for years before they met. It can be hard to all of a sudden merge all your money when you have two different spending/saving styles. Easier for some couples to have some joint money and some individual money. I'm single and 39 so if I married, I'd do it this way - I will never be comfortable with an 100% joint account. (and I have assets and a child to protect.)

Maintaining separate accounts does not mean that your assets are safe if you marry and then things go south. Laws differ in jurisdictions so it depends but as a general statement, keeping things in your name only during marriage does not mean that they're not truly owned jointly. It will be harder for the other spouse to claim those funds or assets (it will take legal proceedings) but it's pretty straight forward. Let's say if you're earning more $ than a spouse and have it deposited into an account with just your name on it--doesn't mean your spouse doesn't have legal rights to it.

[Anonymous]

First of all OP, variety is the spice of life. What works for you may not work for others, it doesn't mean either of you is missing anything.

DH and I have a joint account where money for bills and household maintenance is contributed. Anything we jointly do together, be it caring for DC, furniture purchase, travel, dining out, joint gifts for friends etc. goes in that account. We also have separate accounts where we put personal discretionary funds. That is YOUR money and can be used to purchase whatever your little heart desires. I have a shoe fetish, I can dip into my account and buy as many shoes as I want and DH can't say peep, it is MY money. Same with him, if he wants to dip in his account to purchase a new car, I don't blink because it is HIS money to do as he wishes.

Being married doesn't mean you lose your individuality. And Lord knows I have lived on this earth for 32 years not to have ANYBODY tell me how to spend my money.

Neither one of us saves for a rainy day in case of divorce because neither one of us is going anywhere, that much I know.

[Anonymous]

I guess my question is -- why do you need "Your" money and "my" money?

All our accounts are joint and I still buy whatever I want.

[Anonymous]

"OP here and that's something to think about... We married late but we didn't have anything. I can see people who own assets trying to be protective of it. "

Yes. When we got married, I owned a house with more than 20% equity and had several thousand dollars in investments. My DH had a negative net worth. I didn't change my name when we got married, and I sure didn't put his name on my money until we'd been married a few years.

I'm "all in," but I wasn't all in financially for the first few years.

[Anonymous]

OP, your mistake is in thinking that you haven't merged your economic lot just because you have separate accounts. When we got married, we both had paychecks coming into our separate accounts. We still do. We also have two children; you can't get more "all in" than that. We are tied to each other for life, in a great way.

I can buy him presents with the money in my account and he doesn't know how much they cost. I can buy an expensive item for myself without having to discuss it with him. We both pay for meals, childcare, diapers, etc. It works out because we both make a fair amount. When I have extra in my account, I write him a check because he runs the investment side of our finances.

We are a smoothly operating economic unit, in addition to being in love and being parents together. You just don't need one joint account to be a single economic unit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:separate accounts is usually a result of trust issues. Once you are married everything is equal unless on doesn't trust the other.

The opposite is true for us. We trust the other person's spending habits and financial decisions so we don't have to join them and see precisely what the other person is buying/spending all the time.

If we didn't trust each other, I can see the distrustful one going for a joint account.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess my question is -- why do you need "Your" money and "my" money?

All our accounts are joint and I still buy whatever I want.

I need my money because I sometimes succumb to impulse buying and splurge on stuff that would seem unreasonable to my husband. He does the same thing. We try not to begrudge each other that simple life pleasure. Take my shoe fetish/addiction for example, my husband doesn't get it and he never will, but since I finance it with my money, he doesn't care. He likes his power tools which I consider rather silly because half the time, they just sit in the garage collecting dust, but once again, he uses his money for these purchases so if that's what gets him off, more power to him.

You don't know how many fights we've avoided with this arrangement. Neither one of us questions the other about purchases because frankly, we both find it annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess my question is -- why do you need "Your" money and "my" money?

All our accounts are joint and I still buy whatever I want.

Did you read all the posts from people who have separate finances?

A lot of us said that it's not that we NEED it - it's just that we didn't bother to change it. You are reading motives into something that, at least in my case, is motiveless. We didn't change our accounts because it was easier not to. No secret meanings.

[Anonymous]

We have separate accounts for tax reasons. I don't pay US taxes and am not a citizen. If we had a joint account my American DH would have to pay taxes on my not insignificant income. Having said that, DH is a SAHD, has my ATM card and uses my cc to buy everything we need. I reconcile every few months - not bcos I distrust him but because we have savings targets that we want to meet. Separate accounts and keeping your own name does not mean you are not all in.