Someone please explain me marriage in America

[Anonymous]

After reading the threads about SAH vs WOH and other threads discussing childcare costs, sharing bank accounts I need some help understanding this...

I got married 4 years ago and it was just natural to put all the money we earned every month in one joined account and pay all our things from there. Nobody keeps tabs on who paid for what like, utilities were from DH's money or daycare was from my money. It is just one thing. Why some people do it separately? (the posts talking about %s made me even more curious... taking 10% of $100 means much more than taking 10% of $10.000!!! is it really fair????)

Our family has one savings account, DH uses some of the money for his stocks but we both know exactly where the money is going. How do people paying for it separately do this? Isn't it too much of headache?

When I decided to SAH, that became my job. BTW, it was FT but not 24/7. I would do what was supposed to be done during business hours but when DH got home we shared the tasks left. I.e. I love doing handy stuff, little maintenance, etc but I HATE folding laundry and putting it away so I'll make sure there's no fixing up for DH to do (he hates doing it) but he'll gladly fold the laundry and put away. Same thing when I went back to work and he stayed home between assignments. He'd do his share and when I came home the part I enjoyed doing was there waiting for me.

I thought it was natural to share things once you got married. Why some people think keeping it all separate (like you're not even married) is better? Am I missing something?

[Anonymous]

It's an interesting assumption on your part that no one in America does it the way you describe.

I know that DH and I share the way you are describing.

Most married couples have shared bank accounts, but not everyone does for a variety of reason.

[Anonymous]

To the extent that your question was about "marriage in America," the American thing that you're seeing examples of on this board is that different couples feel they have the freedom to choose the system that works best for them. I haven't lived anyplace else, so seeing this diversity doesn't surprise me in the least. Do you know of places where all marriages work exactly the same? Are people there happier?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading the threads about SAH vs WOH and other threads discussing childcare costs, sharing bank accounts I need some help understanding this...

I got married 4 years ago and it was just natural to put all the money we earned every month in one joined account and pay all our things from there. Nobody keeps tabs on who paid for what like, utilities were from DH's money or daycare was from my money. It is just one thing. Why some people do it separately? (the posts talking about %s made me even more curious... taking 10% of $100 means much more than taking 10% of $10.000!!! is it really fair????)

Our family has one savings account, DH uses some of the money for his stocks but we both know exactly where the money is going. How do people paying for it separately do this? Isn't it too much of headache?

When I decided to SAH, that became my job. BTW, it was FT but not 24/7. I would do what was supposed to be done during business hours but when DH got home we shared the tasks left. I.e. I love doing handy stuff, little maintenance, etc but I HATE folding laundry and putting it away so I'll make sure there's no fixing up for DH to do (he hates doing it) but he'll gladly fold the laundry and put away. Same thing when I went back to work and he stayed home between assignments. He'd do his share and when I came home the part I enjoyed doing was there waiting for me.

I thought it was natural to share things once you got married. Why some people think keeping it all separate (like you're not even married) is better? Am I missing something?

America is a land of individuals. Marriage is a consolidation of two economic units into one. Many Americans have trouble with this and cling to the fiction that they are still separate economic units, even though they are not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an interesting assumption on your part that no one in America does it the way you describe.

I know that DH and I share the way you are describing.

Most married couples have shared bank accounts, but not everyone does for a variety of reason.

Agree.

Does the OP actually think this is the way MOST people conduct their relationships based on what they are reading on DCUM?

OP-You really need to get out more from behind your computer.

[Anonymous]

OP here and let me apologize before you ladies focus on the wrong aspect of my post.

Yes, I'm writing this based on what I've been reading here because this is where people are open about their financial situation.

I don't know how the majority of Americans do it and it's not my intent to find out. I wanted to know FROM THOSE WHO DO IT THIS WAY, why they think it's better and how they do it. I wanted to know if I'm missing something.

[Anonymous]

my wife is insane in some ways and wants separate accounts. it used to bother me, but it gives me a lot of freedom as she does not know or care what I spend the money on.

but I do think it is bad for a marriage. less of a feeling of a partnership.

[Anonymous]

OP, we have separate accounts, and honestly, it would feel weird to me to do things the way you do them, the same way it would be weird to share an email account with my husband or to have a shared cell phone. I have my bank account, where my checks go, and he has his. We don't share credit cards. Our names are both on the mortgage and the utilities, but that's it. It works for us to have one person designated to deal with mortgage, one person designated to deal with the power bill, water bill, daycare bill, etc.

I say "it would feel weird to me" because while I love my husband and our marriage is great, it is important to me that we also maintain our independence. People are probably going to throw out ideas like "what if you get divorced" and I agree that in the extremely unlikely event that we were to divorce, you would have a harder time separating financially from your husband than I would.

To me, getting a joint bank account when I got married felt exactly the same as changing my name. Why would I give up the name I've always had? Why would I close the bank accounts and credit card accounts that predate my marriage in favor of a new, joint account? It was not a symbolic gesture that I wanted to make.

If it sounds like I am judging the way you do things, that is probably a little bit true, but your post seems to assume that my marriage is "abnormal" because we don't share a bank account and that's ridiculous. My bank account number has NOTHING to do with my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have separate accounts, and honestly, it would feel weird to me to do things the way you do them, the same way it would be weird to share an email account with my husband or to have a shared cell phone. I have my bank account, where my checks go, and he has his. We don't share credit cards. Our names are both on the mortgage and the utilities, but that's it. It works for us to have one person designated to deal with mortgage, one person designated to deal with the power bill, water bill, daycare bill, etc.

I say "it would feel weird to me" because while I love my husband and our marriage is great, it is important to me that we also maintain our independence. People are probably going to throw out ideas like "what if you get divorced" and I agree that in the extremely unlikely event that we were to divorce, you would have a harder time separating financially from your husband than I would. To me, getting a joint bank account when I got married felt exactly the same as changing my name. Why would I give up the name I've always had? Why would I close the bank accounts and credit card accounts that predate my marriage in favor of a new, joint account? It was not a symbolic gesture that I wanted to make.

If it sounds like I am judging the way you do things, that is probably a little bit true, but your post seems to assume that my marriage is "abnormal" because we don't share a bank account and that's ridiculous. My bank account number has NOTHING to do with my marriage.

So, you really were NOT "all in" on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

I met my husband when we were 25/26. We married at 27/28. We have always had joint accounts and joint credit card accounts. Both houses are in our names, as well as both cars. We've been married 14 years and it has worked perfectly.

We do both work and we have very similar spending habits. We are both EXTREMELY frugal people by nature.

We've been out with a married couple that actually fought over which one was going to pick up their portion of the tab. That was beyond bizarre to me! However, one party in that couple is a complete spendthrift so I think they have to separate accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have separate accounts, and honestly, it would feel weird to me to do things the way you do them, the same way it would be weird to share an email account with my husband or to have a shared cell phone. I have my bank account, where my checks go, and he has his. We don't share credit cards. Our names are both on the mortgage and the utilities, but that's it. It works for us to have one person designated to deal with mortgage, one person designated to deal with the power bill, water bill, daycare bill, etc.

I say "it would feel weird to me" because while I love my husband and our marriage is great, it is important to me that we also maintain our independence. People are probably going to throw out ideas like "what if you get divorced" and I agree that in the extremely unlikely event that we were to divorce, you would have a harder time separating financially from your husband than I would.

To me, getting a joint bank account when I got married felt exactly the same as changing my name. Why would I give up the name I've always had? Why would I close the bank accounts and credit card accounts that predate my marriage in favor of a new, joint account? It was not a symbolic gesture that I wanted to make.

If it sounds like I am judging the way you do things, that is probably a little bit true, but your post seems to assume that my marriage is "abnormal" because we don't share a bank account and that's ridiculous. My bank account number has NOTHING to do with my marriage.

Thanks for being kind and honest. That's exactly the point I can't understand. What's the point of being married, then? If you're not "all in"?

In my country you get to choose who will change names and you don't need to do it. It's not necessarily the wife getting the husband's last name so I'm not familiar with that. I didn't adopt DH's last name for other reasons (visa issues and inability to recognize our marriage in our countries), but I understand that some people feel the need to keep their individuality... what I can't understand is why people get so caught up in preserving something (the individuality) and end up sacrificing the relationship.

[Anonymous]

we had separate checking and some separate savings accounts until our daughter came along (3 years into our marriage). It just worked for us for a while. Once we had to start paying daycare, it was a whole different ballgame.

I would like to figure out a way to give both of us some fun money to play with/buy presents with, but that's unlikely to happen anytime soon. We just bought a house that needed renovation, so our "fun money" is spoken for unless we want to be in debt up to our eyeballs.

[Anonymous]

My DH and I combined bank accounts when we moved in together, YEARS before marriage. We also purchased a home and a rental property years before marriage. We have been financially intertwined since day 1. I also work FT and over the years, he has earned more and sometimes I have earned more...however we always look at our incomes as fully combined. We also share the exact same view on how money should be handled and have never once argued about money. We both do it the same...maybe because we met young and pratically grew up together. I could see how people do it different who meet later in life and are already financially established. If I were to divorce and remarry, I would be bringing a lot of assets to the relationship and I could see how I would be protective of that. I'd probably enve requre a pre-nump if I were to marry again.

We are as American as apple pie. I never weigh in on those separate account topics becuase I have nothing do add.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I combined bank accounts when we moved in together, YEARS before marriage. We also purchased a home and a rental property years before marriage. We have been financially intertwined since day 1. I also work FT and over the years, he has earned more and sometimes I have earned more...however we always look at our incomes as fully combined. We also share the exact same view on how money should be handled and have never once argued about money. We both do it the same...maybe because we met young and pratically grew up together. I could see how people do it different who meet later in life and are already financially established. If I were to divorce and remarry, I would be bringing a lot of assets to the relationship and I could see how I would be protective of that. I'd probably enve requre a pre-nump if I were to marry again.

We are as American as apple pie. I never weigh in on those separate account topics becuase I have nothing do add.

OP here and that's something to think about... We married late but we didn't have anything. I can see people who own assets trying to be protective of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading the threads about SAH vs WOH and other threads discussing childcare costs, sharing bank accounts I need some help understanding this...

I got married 4 years ago and it was just natural to put all the money we earned every month in one joined account and pay all our things from there. Nobody keeps tabs on who paid for what like, utilities were from DH's money or daycare was from my money. It is just one thing. Why some people do it separately? (the posts talking about %s made me even more curious... taking 10% of $100 means much more than taking 10% of $10.000!!! is it really fair????)

Our family has one savings account, DH uses some of the money for his stocks but we both know exactly where the money is going. How do people paying for it separately do this? Isn't it too much of headache?

When I decided to SAH, that became my job. BTW, it was FT but not 24/7. I would do what was supposed to be done during business hours but when DH got home we shared the tasks left. I.e. I love doing handy stuff, little maintenance, etc but I HATE folding laundry and putting it away so I'll make sure there's no fixing up for DH to do (he hates doing it) but he'll gladly fold the laundry and put away. Same thing when I went back to work and he stayed home between assignments. He'd do his share and when I came home the part I enjoyed doing was there waiting for me.

I thought it was natural to share things once you got married. Why some people think keeping it all separate (like you're not even married) is better? Am I missing something?

This is what we do. We have always done this. We are an American couple. Many American couples do it this way.