Getting coffee with an ex-boyfriend - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thx everyone for your input. I really appreciate it. I'm thinking now I won't go. I'll just have to wonder, and hope, that my ex is happy. I wish I could go, but since there still is a "flicker" of attraction, I suppose it's not a good idea (though I'm sure I wouldn't act on it). The idea of a dinner with spouses just isn't appealing. I don't think any of the 4 of us would enjoy that, least of all me. I'd be too worried about DH thinking I was flirting (inadvertently) with ex-BF. Ugh, it ties my stomach in knots just thinking about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would absolutely do it, regardless of whether DW liked it or not. I'd be up front and honest about it. But frankly, there's no place for petty jealousy in our marriage, and if those feelings come up, it's her job to deal with them as an adult, just like it would be my job to do so if the roles were reversed.

I'm trying to see your point, but quite honestly, that is just disrespectful to your wife. You don't get to unilaterally determine what is "petty" and what isn't in a marriage. Your wife gets a say as well and if she felt uncomfortable with it, calling her "petty" and doing it anyways is pretty obnoxious. Clearly she doesn't think it falls into "petty jealousy
. You are essentially telling her that your needs (to have coffee with an ex) are more important than her feelings.

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't care if my husband had coffee with his ex or with anybody for that matter. I trust him. I'm guessing my DH feels the same way. But it still doesn't change the fact that if he WAS jealous or insecure about it - for whatever reason - HIS feelings would be more important to me than the coffee (and if they weren't - doesn't that just prove that perhaps there IS a good reason to be jealous??).

Sorry, DW gets monogamy. She's my partner. Our relationship is based on trust. But her failure of trust doesn't create an obligation on my part. We're both adults and entitled to adult non-sexual relationships. Would I care? Sure. Would I help her deal? Yep. Would I be irritated? Yep. But I'd still maintain friendships that are important to me. You can't reward controlling behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry, DW gets monogamy. She's my partner. Our relationship is based on trust. But her failure of trust doesn't create an obligation on my part. We're both adults and entitled to adult non-sexual relationships. Would I care? Sure. Would I help her deal? Yep. Would I be irritated? Yep. But I'd still maintain friendships that are important to me. You can't reward controlling behavior.

NP here. We aren't talking about maintaining a friendship here, but rekindling a relationship with an old flame. If you can't see the difference, well...

It is still up the the OP to decide if her relationship with her spouse is more important to her than finding out if her ex is happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Sorry, DW gets monogamy. She's my partner. Our relationship is based on trust. But her failure of trust doesn't create an obligation on my part. We're both adults and entitled to adult non-sexual relationships. Would I care? Sure. Would I help her deal? Yep. Would I be irritated? Yep. But I'd still maintain friendships that are important to me. You can't reward controlling behavior.

NP here. We aren't talking about maintaining a friendship here, but rekindling a relationship with an old flame. If you can't see the difference, well...

It is still up the the OP to decide if her relationship with her spouse is more important to her than finding out if her ex is happy.

Problem is that this stuff doesn't end here. It's a slippery slope down the path to some pretty ugly behavior. And I'm not so sure the distinction between exes and friends is all that stark. I'm friends with a lot of my exes, some of whom I haven't seen in years. Your assumption seems to be that meeting her ex would entail sacrificing her relationship. If it's any kind of healthy adult relationship, that shouldn't have to be the choice.

[Anonymous]

^^ Protecting the marriage isn't being controlling. Yes, we all have the ability to be monogamous but that doesn't mean throwing yourself in the way of temptation to prove it. Otherwise, everything is on the table. All the people having cozy dinners with the ex, thinking affairs wont happen to them. It's sad.

Frankly, you're full of shit. I mean, lets say you go on a business trip with a work colleague. This colleague is attracted to you and you're a little attracted to her. Would you stay in the same room? If your wife minded, would she be being hysterical, irrational and controlling?

I think marriage, kids, stability and family are more important than being able to say "I can do whatever I want" but then I'm not divorced.

[Anonymous]

Sure, I would go. I am in touch with a couple exes and my DH knows and doesn't really care.

When you meet up after so many years, it is fun to catch up and see each other again but posters are taking a big leap that then this turns into something you do over and over again but it really doesn't. Part of the fun and excitement is catching up and chatting but then once you do meh, they just become another FB "friend" or someone to send a Christmas card too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thx everyone for your input. I really appreciate it. I'm thinking now I won't go. I'll just have to wonder, and hope, that my ex is happy. I wish I could go, but since there still is a "flicker" of attraction, I suppose it's not a good idea (though I'm sure I wouldn't act on it). The idea of a dinner with spouses just isn't appealing. I don't think any of the 4 of us would enjoy that, least of all me. I'd be too worried about DH thinking I was flirting (inadvertently) with ex-BF. Ugh, it ties my stomach in knots just thinking about it.

Why can't you ask him, without meeting behind your DH's back, whether your ex is happy? Why is this an all or nothing thing? There are less potentially destructive ways of finding this out. The fact the idea of dinner is so unappealing to you really answers the question here.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Talked to DH about it tonight, told him I was considering meeting ex-BF for coffee. DH is strongly opposed. Moreso than I'd anticipated. He said he couldn't see what good could come of it. As usual, DH is probably right. So despite lingering curiosity, I will have to try to get this idea out of my head. Oh well. I must confess I'm a bit disappointed. Now how do I tell this to ex-BF without sounding like I have no mind of my own?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Talked to DH about it tonight, told him I was considering meeting ex-BF for coffee. DH is strongly opposed. Moreso than I'd anticipated. He said he couldn't see what good could come of it. As usual, DH is probably right. So despite lingering curiosity, I will have to try to get this idea out of my head. Oh well. I must confess I'm a bit disappointed. Now how do I tell this to ex-BF without sounding like I have no mind of my own?

"Ex, I'm sorry, but my husband just isn't comfortable with this, and I think I understand where he's coming from. I need to respect his wishes, just as I wouldn't be comfortable with his meeting an ex either."

And then let it go.
It's over.
You're married.

[Anonymous]

OP, I was on the other side of this issue a couple months ago. situation was a bit different (this was an ex my DH had real trouble getting over, and who caused him pain, confusion, and definitely played a role in an early break up we had while dating, etc). My issue was not with trust--that he was trying to have an affair, etc. It was more like "what will it really accomplish?" I could not see any positive benefit, but definitely could see negative consequences, esp since I was not entirely convinced that his feel ins were so cut and dried.... so, why stir up a lot of stuff? Its fine to catch up by email, etc, but I think if it makes your spouse uncomfortable, not worth rocking the boat.

[Anonymous]

OP, a few people have asked why you can't "find out if he's happy" via your email exchanges. Are you sure that's why you really want to get together, or is that just an excuse to have a potentially exciting, slightly flirtatious night out with someone "new" yet comfortable?

I'm genuinely curious, and wouldn't blame you for feeling that way, as long as you don't act on it. But the question remains-- why would it take a one-on-one dinner to find out if he's happy?

[Anonymous]

OP, I recently went through a similar situation. The relationship had been over for 10 years and we are both with other people. I am married, the ex has a live in partner. But the main difference is I have zero attraction for my ex. My husband has no problem with me hanging out with the ex because he knows I would not sleep with the guy even if he were the last man on earth. I understand the curiosity and wanting to reconnect but if there are still feelings involved, no matter how slight, I would stay away.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Why tell him your husband opposes? Why not say you thought about it and it doesn't feel right! And why are you so invested in his happiness? If he's not, then what? Trouble! It's the past. Let it go!

[Anonymous]

. DH probably would not be terribly pleased with this idea, but he'd probably accept it. What would you do?

So why do it? You care more if your ex is happy than the upset to your CURRENT DH?

[Anonymous]

You sound like two reasonable adults. Reasonable adults should be able to get together for coffee.