Getting coffee with an ex-boyfriend - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

We dated for almost 7 yrs. Now, both of us are married and have kids with other people. Its been 11 yrs since we were together. I still care deeply about him, not in a romantic way, but as a person. Ran into him recently, and began exchanging a couple of emails. Is it a bad idea to get together for coffee? I don't worry that it will lead to any kind of affair. I'm happily married, and would never cheat on DH. But I would love to catch up and hear about various aspects of his life. Most of all, I want to know if he is happy. I hope he is. Is this a can of worms I'd be opening? Our breakup was amicable, and the relationship was largely a positive one. I just didn't feel like he was "the one" for me. But I find my ex to be intelligent, funny, insightful, and I know I would enjoy getting together with him. DH probably would not be terribly pleased with this idea, but he'd probably accept it. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

I'd leave it alone.

Sounds like you "like like" him and the feeling may be mutual.

[Anonymous]

Bad idea to get together just the two of you. If you want to reconnect, you and your spouse get together with him and his spouse. Anything else is asking for trouble.

[Anonymous]

I would do coffee with him and if it was fine, then dinner with the spouses. Trust yourself. Life is short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bad idea to get together just the two of you. If you want to reconnect, you and your spouse get together with him and his spouse. Anything else is asking for trouble.

+1

[Anonymous]

Don't even go there.

[Anonymous]

Bad idea?? What good can come of it? Would you be comfortable telling your husband that you still "care deeply for your ex" and that you are meeting him for coffee?

[Anonymous]

Will you let him set up a profile on Ashley Madison?

[Anonymous]

bad idea OP. you NEVER think anything will come of it but it can be such a slippery slope.

please, do not put yourself in this position - the way we rationally play it out in our head can get completely turned on its head once the "illicit" part of it becomes intoxicating.

it is so likely to twist itself in such a way that you don't recognize yourself and what you are doing to your marriage. by then it can be way too late.

[Anonymous]

You say your husband "probably" wouldn't be pleased. Translated from your "I want to believe this instead of reality" language, that means he "absolutely" wouldn't be pleased. Don't do it, OP, you already know it's not a good idea.

[Anonymous]

I would never do such a thing, esp. not in secret. I am divorced because my ex did sneaky things like this. I can't prove if he ever boinked any of the women but he was def. trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do coffee with him and if it was fine, then dinner with the spouses. Trust yourself. Life is short.

+1.

Agree this should be done with spouses on board if you're interested in having this person in your life, but that you're probably fine to do a quick coffee first to see if you'd actually enjoy spending the full length of a dinner with this person. But I'm also speaking as someone with small children, where arranging a dinner means using up scarce free time and hiring a babysitter, so I don't want to 'waste' a rare night out. If that's not the situation for you, I'd hop straight to a spouses-included dinner.

If you're not comfortable meeting up with your spouse with you, then getting together is a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

BAD idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bad idea to get together just the two of you. If you want to reconnect, you and your spouse get together with him and his spouse. Anything else is asking for trouble.

+1

+2
7 years consistent or off and on is a long time. people meet and have children that walk, talk, read, write, and wipe their own tushies in 7 years. He's not Will and you're not Grace. Unless there wasn't much of a sexual relationship between you two. Type of thing where you tried and it didn't work out or you mostly were friends.

[Anonymous]

If you already bumped into him and exchanged some emails, shouldn't you know already if he's happy? Simply getting an answer to that question shouldn't take several meetings.
Besides, what if he's unhappy? What then? Are you going to want to talk him through it? Commiserate? Are you sure you want to get into that?

I don't think there is automatically something wrong with wanting to stay in touch with exes. But it's not appropriate in every case, and it should be done openly.