Getting coffee with an ex-boyfriend - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Ashley Madison poster here.

For a marriage to work there has to be some degree of equality. Even open marriages will founder if one partner is getting more/having more fun than the other (or, quite often, one partner meets someone he/she is willing to be exclusive for.)

What you are doing is enjoying the company of old flames -- which, despite what the anti-cheating brigades might say, is not wrong for every marriage -- but not permitting your husband this privilege.

[Anonymous]

Do it!

[Anonymous]

How would you feel if your husband met up with an old girlfriend?

NOTHING good can come of this. You are playing with fire if you go.

[Anonymous]

If you know it would upset your DH, then why would you even be considering it? Is it really worth upsetting your spouse over?

I agree that if you continue this friendship, spouses should most definitely be on board. If you're uncomfortable with that, then you should run, not walk, away from this friendship.

A telling question to ask yourself is how you would feel if your DH wanted to get together with a serious ex-flame of his, just the two of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you know it would upset your DH, then why would you even be considering it? Is it really worth upsetting your spouse over?
I agree that if you continue this friendship, spouses should most definitely be on board. If you're uncomfortable with that, then you should run, not walk, away from this friendship.

A telling question to ask yourself is how you would feel if your DH wanted to get together with a serious ex-flame of his, just the two of them.

This. Exactly.

I don't see necessarily anything wrong with catching up with an ex-boyfriend over coffee, but if I knew my husband wouldn't like it, or if I even considered not telling him about it, then I absolutely wouldn't do it.

I'm all for the dinner with spouses or just nothing at all. Even though you make it sound like you are totally over him, blah blah blah, you seem to acknowledge that there is something there. And that "something" is probably what would upset your husband and makes this a bad idea.

[Anonymous]

I'd do it, but only if I was comfortable telling my husband about it. And only if there was absolutely no risk that it would turn into more than just coffee. I'm friends with a few of my exes - and I'm single, so the potential to say "what if" would theoretically be there. (let's face it, i'd rather be "taken" than "single.") But in reality, my exes are nice people whose company I enjoyed, but we wouldn't have worked out, and i don't do the "what if" thing about them.

if there's any degree of "what if things had been different", I'd leave it alone. But if this is rekindling a friendship that only ended up because you stopped dating... maybe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do coffee with him and if it was fine, then dinner with the spouses. Trust yourself. Life is short.

I think you're going to get a lot of flack from folks posting here who have very poor impulse control, and very little trust in their own marriage, but I agree with you. The key to a strong marriage is not eliminating all other adult humans from your social sphere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you know it would upset your DH, then why would you even be considering it? Is it really worth upsetting your spouse over?
I agree that if you continue this friendship, spouses should most definitely be on board. If you're uncomfortable with that, then you should run, not walk, away from this friendship.

A telling question to ask yourself is how you would feel if your DH wanted to get together with a serious ex-flame of his, just the two of them.

This. Exactly.

I don't see necessarily anything wrong with catching up with an ex-boyfriend over coffee, but if I knew my husband wouldn't like it, or if I even considered not telling him about it, then I absolutely wouldn't do it.

I'm all for the dinner with spouses or just nothing at all. Even though you make it sound like you are totally over him, blah blah blah, you seem to acknowledge that there is something there. And that "something" is probably what would upset your husband and makes this a bad idea.

I would absolutely do it, regardless of whether DW liked it or not. I'd be up front and honest about it. But frankly, there's no place for petty jealousy in our marriage, and if those feelings come up, it's her job to deal with them as an adult, just like it would be my job to do so if the roles were reversed.

[Anonymous]

Op you know this is wrong and you are very selfish.

If you want to "catch up" have a double date with your spouses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would absolutely do it, regardless of whether DW liked it or not. I'd be up front and honest about it. But frankly, there's no place for petty jealousy in our marriage, and if those feelings come up, it's her job to deal with them as an adult, just like it would be my job to do so if the roles were reversed.

I'm trying to see your point, but quite honestly, that is just disrespectful to your wife. You don't get to unilaterally determine what is "petty" and what isn't in a marriage. Your wife gets a say as well and if she felt uncomfortable with it, calling her "petty" and doing it anyways is pretty obnoxious. Clearly she doesn't think it falls into "petty jealousy
. You are essentially telling her that your needs (to have coffee with an ex) are more important than her feelings.

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't care if my husband had coffee with his ex or with anybody for that matter. I trust him. I'm guessing my DH feels the same way. But it still doesn't change the fact that if he WAS jealous or insecure about it - for whatever reason - HIS feelings would be more important to me than the coffee (and if they weren't - doesn't that just prove that perhaps there IS a good reason to be jealous??).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd do it, but only if I was comfortable telling my husband about it. And only if there was absolutely no risk that it would turn into more than just coffee. I'm friends with a few of my exes - and I'm single, so the potential to say "what if" would theoretically be there. (let's face it, i'd rather be "taken" than "single.") But in reality, my exes are nice people whose company I enjoyed, but we wouldn't have worked out, and i don't do the "what if" thing about them.

if there's any degree of "what if things had been different", I'd leave it alone. But if this is rekindling a friendship that only ended up because you stopped dating... maybe.

I agree with this. As a general rule, I don't do anything behind my wife's back, using the old, "it's completely innocent, but I kept it from you because I know you'd be upset" excuse. That leads down a bad road. If you feel like you can tell your husband, then go. Note - I didn't say ask for permission, I said tell. He may not love it, but that's not a reason not to go. If he creates a huge stink, or "forbids" you to go (hah!), then there are deeper issues you may want to address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would absolutely do it, regardless of whether DW liked it or not. I'd be up front and honest about it. But frankly, there's no place for petty jealousy in our marriage, and if those feelings come up, it's her job to deal with them as an adult, just like it would be my job to do so if the roles were reversed.

I'm trying to see your point, but quite honestly, that is just disrespectful to your wife. You don't get to unilaterally determine what is "petty" and what isn't in a marriage. Your wife gets a say as well and if she felt uncomfortable with it, calling her "petty" and doing it anyways is pretty obnoxious. Clearly she doesn't think it falls into "petty jealousy
. You are essentially telling her that your needs (to have coffee with an ex) are more important than her feelings.

By the same token, the irrational among us don't get to dictate the terms of their relationships. That's why both - the "absolutely I would go no matter what she said" and the "if he's upset I absolutely wouldn't go" are both wrong. (Good rule of thumb there - anytime you say ayou woudl absolutely never (or always) do something, you're probably a little too far out on the limb.) Context and nuance are everything. Absolutes are silly in this situation.

[Anonymous]

I have also maintained friendships with exes, and the spouses are involved in all instances. With my college ex (that fizzled because we were really more friends than anything else) the first time I reconnected with him in person, the four of us all went out to dinner together. It was a bit awkward (I think his girlfriend-now-wife wasn't sure at all what to expect). We are now all comfortable with each other (we were invited to their wedding 10 years ago and get the families together when we are back home) and it's because it's completely clear that there's no flicker of anything beyond friendship between the two of us who dated. That being said, this was a very casual ex, and I don't think this would be possible for more serious or longer-term exes.

Anyway, I would suggest a dinner and then if that goes well for everyone you can always follow up with a coffee date for more relaxed chit chat between the two of you.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the "no, don't meet him" camp. I would be pissed if DH had written your post and I was on the other side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bad idea to get together just the two of you. If you want to reconnect, you and your spouse get together with him and his spouse. Anything else is asking for trouble.

+1

+2. Definitely a bad idea to get together with him alone, especially because you know your DH wouldn't be pleased about it.