S/O - If you were a 'gifted' kid, how does that inform your parenting choices?

[Anonymous]

I was never tested. I went to schools with programs. My mom remembers asking about them. I was clearly bright. But, I was never tested.

Hmm, we were poor, and my parents had a lot on their minds raising 4 kids. I was also shy, quiet, and bored out of my mind. I seriously thought school was where you re-learn stuff and do busy work. Those standardized tests were so easy, I would make codes out of them, then doodle.

In high school I survived by getting into the hardest classes and playing varsity sports year round. I got stellar grades, took the hardest possible schedule, and picked up over 30 college credits. Still not gifted, but I was a national merit semi-finalist. (I never took the SAT to advance, because no one told me to.) I did get perfect scores on the ACT except math. I went to a top 25 university.

I was tested by the military eventually. I got a 139 on the raven. So, I think I am somewhat gifted. And, as stupid as it sounds, I feel hurt I wasn't ID'd as a kid.

I just want to be more involved in my kids' academic stuff. My parents just did not care. They were very flippant about it. Still are. You would think they were trying to do me a favor, but I think they were just lazy.

(DH was ID'd in elementary, and he has a completely different story. FTR, he did worse in HS and college. But, he is doing great now.)

[Anonymous]

I went to really good private schools for elementary and middle school and was bored/isolated for the whole time. Then I got into a public high school that was test-in, enriched/GT. It changed my life: for the first time, the smartest kids were the coolest kids. It was a creative, inspiring, amazing environment.

Here in the DC area my kids are in magnet programs but they don't begin to equal the experience I had in high school.

[Anonymous]

What an interesting thread!

My husband was reading by age 4, was always the smartest kid in school, and I think that gliding really affected his ambition and work ethic.

I was also gifted, and growing up in a small town in a rural state, I was always a misfit. Grade school was fine, but starting in junior high and high school, it was only the advanced/AP classes that kept me there, well, that and two fantastic gifted teachers who sought out opportunities for us.

My take away, is to make sure my kids get, in addition to the life learning we teach unobtrusively, is to focus on social skills and sports, compentency in which would have made my childhood better and adult confidence stronger. I push at taking soccer camp rather than quitting after a season in which he was the worst kid and also make weekly trips to the library after collecting book ideas that meet his current specific interests. I stress trying even when it's hard.

But like a lot of others, I have little tolerance for busy work and don't push him to, say, spend time coloring work sheets "just so" when just indicating the correct column would do.

[Anonymous]

"In therapy a few years back, I mentioned I had been a gifted kid, and my therapist said, "That explains a lot." She had me go home and research the emotional impacts of being gifted. I found whole lists of my personality traits as a kid that I thought were just me but actually had to do with having such a high IQ that enabled me to grasp what was happening in situations without the emotional maturity to handle it."

This sounds so much like my 7 year old it scares me. He picks up on everything. We can't say anything within 50 feet of him without questions. He gives us career and personal advise (unrequested). He tell us why he thinks the neighbor's marriage is in crisis.

My DH was labeled gifted in school and it was great for him. I think he found the validation in school and scholastic acheivement that his parents never gave him in general. His mom did advocate for him when they moved - she'd go and say "Test my kid. Look at his records. He was considered gifted in the last school."

[Anonymous]

I was identified in early elementary school. There were no gifted programs to participate in but I did the GT enrichment. I was utterly miserable. I was bored, depressed, isolated, and bullied. By MS & HS I was a lot happier because I found "my people" but I struggled quite a bit in the advanced classes because I had never had to study or work hard so I wasn't prepared for the course work. By the time I left high school I was so tired of school that I refused to go to college because the thought of spending another day in a classroom sounded like a fate worse than death.

I obviously regret it now and contemplate going to college as an adult. On a more positive note I was able to find success without that degree and earn a decent living. I think I would have made a great doctor though. I read medical journals for fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was identified in early elementary school. There were no gifted programs to participate in but I did the GT enrichment. I was utterly miserable. I was bored, depressed, isolated, and bullied. By MS & HS I was a lot happier because I found "my people" but I struggled quite a bit in the advanced classes because I had never had to study or work hard so I wasn't prepared for the course work. By the time I left high school I was so tired of school that I refused to go to college because the thought of spending another day in a classroom sounded like a fate worse than death.

I obviously regret it now and contemplate going to college as an adult. On a more positive note I was able to find success without that degree and earn a decent living. I think I would have made a great doctor though. I read medical journals for fun.

I forgot about my parenting choices!

Basically I just take my role as advocate of my children seriously and stayed very engaged in their education inside and outside of the classroom. I know how damaging the "wrong fit" can be so I take great care to avoid the "good enough" attitude.

[Anonymous]

I was identified as gifted in middle school. And the first day of my first GT class, it was like a light was switched on: there are other people like me! I had "friends" before that, but they were superficial friendships and I felt very much out of place. It was such a relief to finally fit in somewhere. I was also angry that I had not been identified earlier because I would have had an easier time socially.

But, like some other PPs, I had no idea how to study and really suffered in college. Aced the SATs and had a 4+ GPA, got into an Ivy and then.......pfffffffft. That's the sound of my star falling.

So, I think my experience will just have me keeping an eye out for signs that my children are feeling "different" socially. But also, teaching them how to take notes, manage tasks, etc.

[Anonymous]

My own gifted childhood has left me deeply ambivalent about the value of formal education. I believe that being loving and joyful are skills that some children need to be taught, and those lessons are more important than any academic skills.

I was a gifted kid, who probably would be considered 2E today. I went to shitty public schools and was taught next to nothing between k and 12. Most of what I learned at home, I learned through reading or with my family. I almost dropped out of high school multiple times and then took a few years to party and work crappy jobs. After I got sick of cleaning up after other people, I weaseled my way into a decent liberal arts college and found that I can actually learn when smart professors teach. I went on and got a Ph.D. in a useless discipline from a University that thinks it's more intellectual than the ivys. My intellectual experience in grad school was just amazingly mind blowing and I feel so lucky to have had it. Now I have a good job and good home life. I'm an underachiever for the program from which I graduated, mostly because I don't want to do the work required to be really successful.

I think that smart people are smart no matter what, and thus I think that middle class people fret too much over the education of their children. That said, I wish I'd had better training as a child, particularly in math and science. I think education can be a really powerful means of self discovery, but I also know a large number of very smart, very unhappy people.

[Anonymous]

You may want to read Outliers. Really interesting read on what goes into extreme success in life, I.Q. is helpful, but it is not the be all and end all and the difference between an IQ of 140 and 180 in terms of where you end up in intellectual and other accomplishments is not as big as the number would imply, a threshold level of intelligence may be necessary for certain types of success but hard work is equally important. Einstein had an IQ of 150. Smart, absolutely, but not profoundly gifted. Creativty and other social traits contribute significantly to success in life as well.

The failure of many gifted children to learn good study habits, myself included, is a big problem. I am pretty certain both my children would test as gifted and I am doing my darndest to keep them interested and engaged by learning, but I am also a huge fan of the development of study skills as an end in itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was never challenged in school until high school. I was a lazy student because I never had to study and when I did homework I did it quickly in class. As a result I never developed good study skills and to this day I am a procrastinator. I just signed up my almost 5 year old for Kumon because I want him to develop study skills/ work ethic. He already can read and I don't care what level of math he is in right now. I am doing it so he gets used to working independently for 10 to 15 min. a day at his level.

This was me. I was the smartest kid in elementary and middle school but it came so easily that I never learned to sit my ass in a chair and work hard at something. This made for a very rude awakening in high school and despite my high SAT scores I got into only an OK college. I got it together and transferred, but it would have been easier to learn those lessons earlier. I can already tell that my 2-year-old is quite a bit smarter than average, although I wouldn't say he is profoundly gifted. (I don't think I was either, but I was always in all the GT programs.) Instead of making a big deal of things that come easily to him, I try as hard as I can to praise his effort, not his result. When I see him struggling with something I try as hard as I can not to swoop in and help or do it for him.

This was me as well. I loved school, but I was lucky in that my mom advocated for me and got me into a lot of enrichment programs. I'm also good at finding things to occupy myself, so if I got bored in class, I'd read or create my own work, often at the expense of the 'required' work. I struggle with busy work even now, my follow-through is very poor.

I also have my XH's and xBIL's experiences that I think about when it comes to learning and schooling. Both were gifted, but had undiagnosed LDs, so they HATED school. XH became a troublemaker, he's very charming and skated through with very little consequences for his behavior (still does actually). He has serious issues with authority and is very, very entitled. If it's not fun, he won't do it. He thinks school is a waste of time and academics are pointless. He also thinks he is a genius and everyone else is an idiot. xBIL was bullied and at one point was labeled Special Ed, which did a number on his self-esteem. Neither went to college, xBIL is now back in school at 31.

I want DC to have a good work ethic, to follow through on things and work hard even if there's no immediate reward. I know he loves to learn and I do encourage reading, questioning, figuring things out at home. I also don't want him to fall into the trap XH did, thinking that because he's smart, he's special and deserves to have the world handed to him on a platter. Success comes to people that work hard, not people that think faster than others.

[Anonymous]

15:33 here. When I think about what I want my kid to be, I don't think so much about "I want him to be academically advanced" (although, not going to lie, that would be nice)
I think more in terms of:
I want my kid to be curious, someone who likes and wants to learn because learning is fun. Someone who can creatively problem-solve on his own and try other methods when the first few fail. Who helps other kids understand what's going on/how a concept works because, 'hey this is cool, I want to share my knowledge'. And someone who is comfortable saying "I don't understand, can someone explain this to me?"
I want him to realize that you have to work hard for the things that matter and that just because it takes a few tries, it doesn't mean he's stupid or slow. I also want him to have some self-discipline and stick with things that aren't fun because it's the right thing to do or sticking with it will pay off in the long run. I want him to know how to study and practice, even if it's boring. I want him to try HIS best, not just better than others or 'eh good enough'
I don't want him to be 'gifted' I want him to be a good person.
Does that make sense? I feel like if I encourage the other traits, academic success will follow.

Oh, and I'll also be on the alert to make sure he IS adequately challenged at school. I have no problem and fully intend to advocate for him, whether he's labeled gifted, has an LD like his father or is just super into art and not sports. If his school isn't providing enough enrichment opportunities, I'll seek them elsewhere (music and art are very important to me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was identified as gifted in middle school. And the first day of my first GT class, it was like a light was switched on: there are other people like me! I had "friends" before that, but they were superficial friendships and I felt very much out of place. It was such a relief to finally fit in somewhere. I was also angry that I had not been identified earlier because I would have had an easier time socially.

But, like some other PPs, I had no idea how to study and really suffered in college. Aced the SATs and had a 4+ GPA, got into an Ivy and then.......pfffffffft. That's the sound of my star falling.

So, I think my experience will just have me keeping an eye out for signs that my children are feeling "different" socially. But also, teaching them how to take notes, manage tasks, etc.

OP here. LOL - can definitely identify with this one! Though I think my issue was being more interested in the social aspect, and not necessarily having a driving goal for what game after to keep me focused.

That's one reason I think I will encourage my kids to take a gap year (or more!). Not to sit on their duffs - I wouldn't help support them for that - but to see them pursue service or other non-academic interests, or just to test out the career they think they want to pursue. I went to a fantastic college, and feel like I wasted some great opportunities because I didn't know myself enough by that point to take advantage of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:15:33 here. When I think about what I want my kid to be, I don't think so much about "I want him to be academically advanced" (although, not going to lie, that would be nice)
I think more in terms of:
I want my kid to be curious, someone who likes and wants to learn because learning is fun. Someone who can creatively problem-solve on his own and try other methods when the first few fail. Who helps other kids understand what's going on/how a concept works because, 'hey this is cool, I want to share my knowledge'. And someone who is comfortable saying "I don't understand, can someone explain this to me?"
I want him to realize that you have to work hard for the things that matter and that just because it takes a few tries, it doesn't mean he's stupid or slow. I also want him to have some self-discipline and stick with things that aren't fun because it's the right thing to do or sticking with it will pay off in the long run. I want him to know how to study and practice, even if it's boring. I want him to try HIS best, not just better than others or 'eh good enough'
I don't want him to be 'gifted' I want him to be a good person.
Does that make sense? I feel like if I encourage the other traits, academic success will follow.

Oh, and I'll also be on the alert to make sure he IS adequately challenged at school. I have no problem and fully intend to advocate for him, whether he's labeled gifted, has an LD like his father or is just super into art and not sports. If his school isn't providing enough enrichment opportunities, I'll seek them elsewhere (music and art are very important to me).

OP again. I completely agree with this. I guess my struggle isn't with the Big Picture, but more specifically with figuring out exactly HOW to do this.

For instance - we definitely focus on praising effort. But I can clearly see I need to do better at it, and I'm not sure how to confront my child's perfectionist tendencies (i.e. she has gotten upset and stated "But I'm not a great X!" when she couldn't do X activity perfectly, even though for her age she is objectively ahead at that task.)

And then there is figuring out how to get her to work hard and stick with things - figuring out how specifically I help instill that trait (though I'm lucky - DH is a great role model for this) without forcing her to participate in an activity she truly doesn't like. How to help her learn to creatively problem solve, etc., etc.

[Anonymous]

I entered 1st grade when I was 3. Entered college, Ivy, when I was 14. So did my brother, Hopkins, but he started school when he was suppose to but skipped high school.

I suppose it makes me realize "we are what we are" and parents don't really have much to do with it. That hard work and self discipline is as important and probably more than intellectual gifts and what one does with one's gifts matters more than just having a high IQ.

Overall, my parents didn't pay much attention to me or my sibs when we were children. I realize that my job as a parent is to be loving and supportive but my kid is his own person and be what he'll be.

[Anonymous]

I tested into gifted in kindergarten through an IQ test. My parents were both working class immigrants with little formal education, but they had met a friend who encouraged them to have me do puzzles and other things as a child. So my parents listened and made me do a lot of puzzles. I guess it paid off because I got into the gifted program.

I definitely wouldn't say that I am more intelligent than most people, but I am a creative thinker. I think I got that from my dad who didn't have a formal education, but is a super sharp thinker. He's always problem solving and coming up with creative solutions for things. I think I must have picked that up from him.

We're expecting with our first child now and I'm definitely start to think about what my parents did with me and wondering if there are things I can do to assist my child in their problem solving capacity. It's not that I would want her to be gifted necessarily, but I'd like to give her some critical reasoning skills early on that would make her life easier as she gets older. I'm not sure if it'll work or not because at the end of the day, each child is his/her own individual and my child might be completely uninterested in puzzles or anything critical. We'll see...