S/O - If you were a 'gifted' kid, how does that inform your parenting choices?

[Anonymous]

The assorted threads in the private school forum got me thinking about this.

If you were a 'gifted' kid, how has your experience with that label, both positive and negative, informed the choices you have made for your own kid(s)? And how do you strike the balance between letting your experience inform your parenting and recognizing that your child is a different individual in a different time / place?

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a family with a lot of gifted kids. Two of us were probably highly gifted and one in the superior range. The fourth was always a poor student but I bet you anything he was gifted/LD.

We spent so much time reading, solving puzzles, researching, inventing things. We were very curious about everything and never stopped wanting to learn new things.

We didn't have anything like a GT or TAG program in school when we were growing up. When you got to 8th grade they finally started tracking kids a bit -- honors classes and so forth. School got a tiny bit better for us by that point, but it didn't get really OK until late high school/college.

My two kids are nothing like I remember my siblings and I, growing up. They are smart enough, but I doubt they fit in the "gifted" range. I am a bit perplexed because they don't seem interested in any of the things my brothers and sister and I were, growing up.

They do qualify for the GT program in school, but it is hard for them. They aren't great students, just OK ones, and they don't seem to have a lot of intellectual curiosity or persistence. This troubles me. I don't know if it was something about the way they were raised, or just their own temperaments.

None of the children of my siblings are highly gifted, either.

[Anonymous]

I was in what was then called a GT program in FCPS once I got into MS. I took AP and GT classes through HS. I took a couple of "regular" classes in HS and they were the bane of my existence at the time. I have my child in a private elementary school because of my own awful experiences in ES in FCPS. Her private school teaches a similar curriculum to the current AAP curriculum in FCPS.

[Anonymous]

I feel like it makes me more relaxed.

I was labeled gifted, and it wasn't the ticket for my happiness or success...certainly hearing it, over and over, made me less of a hard worker, and more prone to fall apart under criticism.

I am interested in the PP's comments about school, since my parents scraped up the money to send me to private school early on. THAT was a gift, but I was planning to send my DD to public school here in Fairfax so we actually get to go on vacation once in awhile (which I never got to do growing up)-- but it sounds like that was a horrible experience...

[Anonymous]

I was a gifted child growing up. Starting in second grade, I was pulled out and attended fifth grade for my math and reading classes. It was a horrible experience for me as these pull outs were in addition to a "gifted program" which was a pull-out for me and some other kids in my class. At least in the "program" I had company, when I went to the other classrooms, I was going alone. I was miserable socially and was very happy when we moved from that school system (Colorado) to this area when I was in sixth grade.

This area does a much better job of not ostracizing gifted children and allows them to be challenged without making it a burden for them.

I believe it is important to provide a good learning environment for children, no matter whether they are gifted, or LD, or none of the above. For all of my "giftedness" early on, I think it all evens out eventually. I was able to qualify for scholarships to a private university and later went on to graduate school, but other than being able to test out of college math classes, there is nothing notable about where I've ended up.

One of our children is in the AAP program (her qualifying surprised me a little as I do not find her overwhelmingly gifted, though others have told me it is clear that she is). She has much more a verbal/language arts strength and I'm trying to be careful that the advanced math doesn't cause her too much angst.

Our son is not old enough to be tested yet, but I sense that he is actually more gifted than our daughter -- from a very young age he was able to synthesize information from disparate sources and put it together. I'm not sure his temperament will fit in an advanced environment, so we'll see what the testing says this year.

Again, either way, I am thankful that there is no social stigma associated with the programs here, so that they will at least be spared that. And all of this is hilarious to my husband who only attended school in order to play sports -- and then went to college and grad school for the same reason.

[Anonymous]

I try to make my kids' environment as rich and interesting as I can. That doesn't mean I pay through the nose for Mandarin for Twos and Classical Guitar for Threes, but we read a lot of books -- fiction and nonfiction -- do simple science experiments, talk about why stuff happens/doesn't happen, etc. Sources for more information are always discussed as well -- "Let's get a book on that from the library," "I bet we can find a video of that on the computer."

I want them to grow up knowing the difference between extra learning that's interesting and extra work that's just, well, work. I remember far too many times that it was assumed that if the "regular" kids were getting one page of math problems, the way to challenge the gifted kids was to give them three pages of the same crap.

[Anonymous]

I suppose I was gifted. Skipped a grade, put into TAG programs, etc. One problem was that I moved a lot and my parents didn't really push for me at each new school so I wasn't usually identified quickly as a gifted kid. So I skated through school and wasnt really challenged. When I got to college I had problems because I had absolutely no idea how to study. At all. So, I had mediocre grades. I was so usd to just floating through school because it was easy.

My experience has led to two things that stick out in my head: 1. I will keep them in one school system so they know my kid and 2. I am a strong advocate for my kids. Not necessarily just for gifted services, but if I see a need for any sort of help or program, I make sure we are heard (and evaluated, tested, whatever).

[Anonymous]

I was never challenged in school until high school. I was a lazy student because I never had to study and when I did homework I did it quickly in class. As a result I never developed good study skills and to this day I am a procrastinator. I just signed up my almost 5 year old for Kumon because I want him to develop study skills/ work ethic. He already can read and I don't care what level of math he is in right now. I am doing it so he gets used to working independently for 10 to 15 min. a day at his level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was never challenged in school until high school. I was a lazy student because I never had to study and when I did homework I did it quickly in class. As a result I never developed good study skills and to this day I am a procrastinator. I just signed up my almost 5 year old for Kumon because I want him to develop study skills/ work ethic. He already can read and I don't care what level of math he is in right now. I am doing it so he gets used to working independently for 10 to 15 min. a day at his level.

This was me. I was the smartest kid in elementary and middle school but it came so easily that I never learned to sit my ass in a chair and work hard at something. This made for a very rude awakening in high school and despite my high SAT scores I got into only an OK college. I got it together and transferred, but it would have been easier to learn those lessons earlier. I can already tell that my 2-year-old is quite a bit smarter than average, although I wouldn't say he is profoundly gifted. (I don't think I was either, but I was always in all the GT programs.) Instead of making a big deal of things that come easily to him, I try as hard as I can to praise his effort, not his result. When I see him struggling with something I try as hard as I can not to swoop in and help or do it for him.

[Anonymous]

From the very beginning, I used books and learning to escape a rigid and stressful household. Teachers determined this tendency made me "gifted." Er, okay. I ended up testing "highly superior" but was never competitive about academic successes. Unhappy, fat kid coping. That's all.

My children appear bright to me, but I'll let them guide me in regards to their talents.

I absolutely require that my children are well-mannered and exposed to culture as part of their overall literacy. They have a solid nerd model in me. They see me reading the paper and books or hunched over the computer, files and other papers organized. As for any active drilling and striving?...I don't feel the need for it.

[Anonymous]

I also went through a public school gifted program from sixth grade on. My state mandated the program the year before, and I was tested in fifth grade. It was pretty clear nobody knew what they were doing. We also got the one day a week pull out for a little while, but then they simply started tracking kids with different sections of the same class. The messages were conflicting (Be creative! Well, we didn't mean that creative!). It was very poorly handled, and by the time high school rolled around, it was all about the AP tests and so on. Creativity was out the window at that point. I thought high school was very boring and I felt like a misfit constantly. I also hated the grades pressure, of which there was a lot. I also thought that being tracked as a gifted kid made me both feel above working hard in subjects I didn't like, and feel bereft if I didn't get 100 on every test in subjects I did like. It also made me avoid subjects where I thought I would "fail" (meaning not get straight As with no work) because I thought everything was supposed to be easy for me, so I couldn't let anyone know that some things actually didn't come instantly to me. I also don't think the teachers really knew what to do with me a lot of the time. I agree with the poster who said that there are many educators who seemed, at least back then, to think gifted simply meant more of the same work, not deeper, broader or more creative work.

DH also went through a public school gifted program. He hated it for different reasons. He felt like he didn't belong anywhere. As a football player tracked with all the gifted kids, he felt like both groups (athletes and the gifted kids) viewed him with suspicion.

As a result, we chose private school for our children - in part to avoid the tracking, and in part because we like the more liberal arts focus (more art, more languge, more music and more PE, as well as the focus on core academics). We also like the smaller class size, which should allow the teachers to know our children better. So far, that has been true, and so far, no one has come home upset that they want to be in Johnny's math group because that's the one for "smart kids." Thus far, the school has handled ability grouping really well.

[Anonymous]

For more on the "effort effect" concept mentioned by many posters above, check out these articles (and Carol Dweck's terrific book, which is the foundation for both):

http://www.stanfordalumni.org/news/magazine/2007/marapr/features/dweck.html

and

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

[Anonymous]

i was identified as gifted (through an IQ test, not sure which) in very early elementary school. I was reading before I went to preschool at age 3, so they had reason to believe I was gifted and had me tested. At a couple of points, my parents were offered the chance to skip me a grade and we always declined.

I didn't really enjoy being singled out as gifted. I hated feeling different and weird. In the Midwest in the 70's and 80's, it wasn't the "cool" thing parents think it is now in DC. Some of the kids were very weird and socially awkward - I recognize now that a couple of them were probably Aspergers. But all of my classes were super easy for me, and I was reading many years above grade level, so G&T meant extra work and enrichment activities to keep me challenged. I mostly hated it.

I got tired of taking all honors classes -of being grouped with the same people all the time - so when I got to college (on scholarship, thanks in part to a perfect math SAT and 99th %ile Verbal and a 4.3 GPA), I didn't take any honors classes. College and grad school were easy for me.

I'd be ok if my daughter wasn't G&T. I'd probably actually prefer it. The most successful/happy people I know are very smart, but not G&T. But my daughter's dad was G&T too, so it's pretty likely she will be too. I think there are a lot of issues that go along with being at the extreme end of the intelligence scale. Some of my smartest friends are socially awkward, and some are chronically underemployed and depressed.

[Anonymous]

I am all for being in classes that are just-enough to be challenging/interesting with a lot of time for positive activities, where they can manage "As" nicely, but not so challenging that they spend all their time on that subject and get "Bs". All that extra work is for naught. The really smart kids get the 3.8-4.0 in regular classes and have lots of time to have a life outside of school, not spend every single second trying to get the 4.0+ in APs. That kind of work load affects your outlook and character.

[Anonymous]

I was in a public school gifted program. I now don't think much of it because, from catching up on Facebook, the kids in my class didn't necessarily do better than other friends of mine. In fact, some completely bombed, really. It's made me worry less about my kids because I see there's so much more to adult success and happiness than that part of their education. They'll make it in their own time. The love and support of family is much more important.