On NOT Waiting for Mr. Right-Single Women Having Babies

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't want to be a single mother and can't imagine doing it intentionally under any circumstances. There's a difference between making the most of a bad situation and choosing it.

This is the type of attitude that keeps many women in bad marriages, and leads many divorced single moms to quickly re-marry the closest warm body they can find. I have seen it happen time and again.
I, and most single moms by choice that I know, made this decision after having financial security and social support in place. And most of us lead calmer and less stressful lives than many of our married counterparts because we are not resentful or spending tiem dealing with a husband's needs.

Or, conversely, it could also be the attitude that helps women choose suitable partners for healthy, long-lasting marriages.

If you go into a marriage knowing that you do not want to divorce after having children, you may approach choosing a mate differently. Perhaps it influences the qualities you look for in a mate. Perhaps it leads you to get premarital counseling, not because you're having issues then, but to begin working on/preventing issues that may arise later. Perhaps it leads you to have many serious talks about what both partners views on childrearing and parenthood are. Perhaps you and your mate will have a frank discussion on what you think are offenses worthy of divorce. Perhaps it means that you won't have kids within the first year or so of marrying, so that you can experience life together, to see what it's like to live together without kids in the mix, and to identify and address whatever issues arise.

PP, I think you are very wise. When I got pregnant accidentally with my then-fiance's child, I thought about whether or not to continue the pregnancy. A big part of my decision to move forward was the fact that *I* could manage the baby solo both financially and emotionally. Although my fiance appeared to also want the child, our marriage blew up several years later. Looking back, I wish that I had never entered into having a child without a stable father in the picture. I can see every day what my children miss & this is true even though their father is still in their life regularly.

I've learned a lot from this lesson, at the expense of my children, and I know in the future that I will not get married or partner with anyone unless I spend extensive time contemplating marriage in the ways you mention above (and more).

I'm a feminist, and in that sense I totally believe that I am capable of raising my kids well and making them happy, but it is painful to know that I have given them less than they could otherwise have had in life.

[Anonymous]

You gave them what you had. It will be plenty. And you can not have chosen that badly if your ex remains involved in their lives.

[Anonymous]

10:37. Ask my ex. He left me. I was devastated. Yes, you are nosy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PP, I think you are very wise. When I got pregnant accidentally with my then-fiance's child, I thought about whether or not to continue the pregnancy. A big part of my decision to move forward was the fact that *I* could manage the baby solo both financially and emotionally. Although my fiance appeared to also want the child, our marriage blew up several years later. Looking back, I wish that I had never entered into having a child without a stable father in the picture. I can see every day what my children miss & this is true even though their father is still in their life regularly.

I've learned a lot from this lesson, at the expense of my children, and I know in the future that I will not get married or partner with anyone unless I spend extensive time contemplating marriage in the ways you mention above (and more).

I'm a feminist, and in that sense I totally believe that I am capable of raising my kids well and making them happy, but it is painful to know that I have given them less than they could otherwise have had in life.

Thanks! I think you're pretty smart as well. Don't beat yourself up over how things turned out with your kids' father. It's so easy to focus on what we did wrong instead of the positives of the situation. At least their dad is still a presence in their lives- I didn't have that. You've done all that you could- learned from your experience and decided to do things differently in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:10:37. Ask my ex. He left me. I was devastated. Yes, you are nosy.

Well, this is a discussion board. Offer up details of your life and people will ask about them...

He gave you no reason for leaving?

[Anonymous]

I'm a widow - no options, and no way to prepare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know many single moms other than myself but I think it makes a big difference whether you've been a single mom from the beginning or become one b/c of divorce. In the beginning, being a single mom was hard b/c newborn babies and infants are hard work. It is a constant job and the sleep deprivation can really kill you. Once I got past that stage, everything seems not so hard to me. I don't expect help which is key to single parenthood. I know it is all on me so I just do it. Nike has my favorite slogan. Just do it. It is tiring but I am guessing that parenting for married parents is tiring too. I have to do every single thing myself but when you've always done it, it doesn't seem like a big deal. Honestly, I feel like I can face anything with more than 6-8 hrs of sleep!

I posted this. It is hard but it isn't impossible. I think I'll start another thread for all of the moms out there who think they will never be single mothers. My friends all say "I don't know how you do it. I could never do that." But what if they HAVE to b/c of divorce, spouse dies, etc? Occasionally, my ex comes over and takes care of my DD for half a day or so and I honestly do not know what to do with my "free time." I've already done everything that needs to be done so am I wrong in assuming that married moms have a lot of free time on their hands? Sorry if I am making that assumption but I have no problem doing it all. I can do anything with some sleep in me. When my DD was a baby, it was a different story and woke up multiple times each night, it was a different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know many single moms other than myself but I think it makes a big difference whether you've been a single mom from the beginning or become one b/c of divorce. In the beginning, being a single mom was hard b/c newborn babies and infants are hard work. It is a constant job and the sleep deprivation can really kill you. Once I got past that stage, everything seems not so hard to me. I don't expect help which is key to single parenthood. I know it is all on me so I just do it. Nike has my favorite slogan. Just do it. It is tiring but I am guessing that parenting for married parents is tiring too. I have to do every single thing myself but when you've always done it, it doesn't seem like a big deal. Honestly, I feel like I can face anything with more than 6-8 hrs of sleep!

I posted this. It is hard but it isn't impossible. I think I'll start another thread for all of the moms out there who think they will never be single mothers. My friends all say "I don't know how you do it. I could never do that." But what if they HAVE to b/c of divorce, spouse dies, etc? Occasionally, my ex comes over and takes care of my DD for half a day or so and I honestly do not know what to do with my "free time." I've already done everything that needs to be done so am I wrong in assuming that married moms have a lot of free time on their hands? Sorry if I am making that assumption but I have no problem doing it all. I can do anything with some sleep in me. When my DD was a baby, it was a different story and woke up multiple times each night, it was a different story.

NP. Actually, I do think this is a somewhat erroneous assumptions. Marriages take a lot of work, including a significant investment of time if they're to remain strong. In addition to just making time for sex and affection, you need to be a good listener, discuss/negotiate any major decisions, do things differently or less efficiently than you would if you were just doing it alone, etc. You also expend a lot of emotional energy, and conflicts can be draining. In a good marriage, there is probably a net gain in time and energy because you have a partner in child rearing and maintaining a home, and there is certainly a huge intangible benefit, but to assume that having a spouse is all 100% help toward the project of life is wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know many single moms other than myself but I think it makes a big difference whether you've been a single mom from the beginning or become one b/c of divorce. In the beginning, being a single mom was hard b/c newborn babies and infants are hard work. It is a constant job and the sleep deprivation can really kill you. Once I got past that stage, everything seems not so hard to me. I don't expect help which is key to single parenthood. I know it is all on me so I just do it. Nike has my favorite slogan. Just do it. It is tiring but I am guessing that parenting for married parents is tiring too. I have to do every single thing myself but when you've always done it, it doesn't seem like a big deal. Honestly, I feel like I can face anything with more than 6-8 hrs of sleep!

I posted this. It is hard but it isn't impossible. I think I'll start another thread for all of the moms out there who think they will never be single mothers. My friends all say "I don't know how you do it. I could never do that." But what if they HAVE to b/c of divorce, spouse dies, etc? Occasionally, my ex comes over and takes care of my DD for half a day or so and I honestly do not know what to do with my "free time." I've already done everything that needs to be done so am I wrong in assuming that married moms have a lot of free time on their hands? Sorry if I am making that assumption but I have no problem doing it all. I can do anything with some sleep in me. When my DD was a baby, it was a different story and woke up multiple times each night, it was a different story.

NP. Actually, I do think this is a somewhat erroneous assumptions. Marriages take a lot of work, including a significant investment of time if they're to remain strong. In addition to just making time for sex and affection, you need to be a good listener, discuss/negotiate any major decisions, do things differently or less efficiently than you would if you were just doing it alone, etc. You also expend a lot of emotional energy, and conflicts can be draining. In a good marriage, there is probably a net gain in time and energy because you have a partner in child rearing and maintaining a home, and there is certainly a huge intangible benefit, but to assume that having a spouse is all 100% help toward the project of life is wrong.

I am the single mom who posted at 10:08. This pos explains what I was referring to WRT many of my married friends being more stressed than I am as a single mom. Obviously there are a few with true partners who overall make their lives easier, but a lot of them do not.

[Anonymous]

Very good points. When my DD goes to bed, it is just me and the well, laundry, dishes, etc. I don't have to work on another relationship. I imagine that is can be very draining in itself. I just assume that with 2 adults, things would be easier and each adult would do part of the work whereas single moms do it all. The hard part must be in deciding who does what and working on communication. I am pretty tired after DD goes to bed so maybe that is a sign that I shouldn't be married. I don't have much left to give anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know many single moms other than myself but I think it makes a big difference whether you've been a single mom from the beginning or become one b/c of divorce. In the beginning, being a single mom was hard b/c newborn babies and infants are hard work. It is a constant job and the sleep deprivation can really kill you. Once I got past that stage, everything seems not so hard to me. I don't expect help which is key to single parenthood. I know it is all on me so I just do it. Nike has my favorite slogan. Just do it. It is tiring but I am guessing that parenting for married parents is tiring too. I have to do every single thing myself but when you've always done it, it doesn't seem like a big deal. Honestly, I feel like I can face anything with more than 6-8 hrs of sleep!

I posted this. It is hard but it isn't impossible. I think I'll start another thread for all of the moms out there who think they will never be single mothers. My friends all say "I don't know how you do it. I could never do that." But what if they HAVE to b/c of divorce, spouse dies, etc? Occasionally, my ex comes over and takes care of my DD for half a day or so and I honestly do not know what to do with my "free time." I've already done everything that needs to be done so am I wrong in assuming that married moms have a lot of free time on their hands? Sorry if I am making that assumption but I have no problem doing it all. I can do anything with some sleep in me. When my DD was a baby, it was a different story and woke up multiple times each night, it was a different story.

Yes. At least for me. I'm married, my sister is divorced. Her ex takes the kids three nights a week, so it always seems to me like she has a LOT more free time on her hands. Of course, that's not true of all single moms....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very good points. When my DD goes to bed, it is just me and the well, laundry, dishes, etc. I don't have to work on another relationship. I imagine that is can be very draining in itself. I just assume that with 2 adults, things would be easier and each adult would do part of the work whereas single moms do it all. The hard part must be in deciding who does what and working on communication. I am pretty tired after DD goes to bed so maybe that is a sign that I shouldn't be married. I don't have much left to give anyone else.

I am in the same boat. But now that the dust has settled and I am more able to get everything done that needs to be done each day, I am a bit bored and lonely at the end of the day instead of plain exhausted and I'm starting to wonder how healthy it is to be the only adult in the house. I'm sure that's why I spend so much time on DCUM -- you all may be anonymous but at least you are grown ups!

[Anonymous]

I'm another single mother by choice. It's a hard road, but one I chose and don't regret at all. Things get easier between the ages of 7 and 11 or so. But now that my daughter is a teen, I have never wished so much that there was another adult in the house to help make decisions and just to discuss the myriad difficult issues, from older boys to alcohol. These are way harder subjects than, say, potty training, to bring up with my circle of other moms.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mom to a teen, a boy, and it is the hardest time. Man, I wish I had backup.

[Anonymous]

I waited. Hit 35 and decided I could wait to have kids until after I found Mr. Right. Found him, married, one baby - and still long for another. If I could do it all over again, I would have started having kids on my own. I love being a mom and it is the best thing that ever happened to me. I love DH, love our marriage, but being a mom is 50X better than that and something I almost missed. If you want it: don't miss it. Parenthood is more important to me than anything.