Perimenopause and no sex drive

[Anonymous]

This is what is happening to you:

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1LbrzD6KLd/?mibextid=wwXIfr

[Anonymous]

You have a psychological block from enjoying sex, not a physical or hormonal one. Spend a whole evening together alone, no impending responsibilities, in naked skin to skin contact, relax, and slow down your lovemaking to what feels like a snail’s pace. Rinse and repeat as able until your drive is rekindled. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a psychological block from enjoying sex, not a physical or hormonal one. Spend a whole evening together alone, no impending responsibilities, in naked skin to skin contact, relax, and slow down your lovemaking to what feels like a snail’s pace. Rinse and repeat as able until your drive is rekindled. Good luck!

Stupid advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, if you don't want to do it then are you ok with separating or letting your partner try it outside?

Whoa - hang on. Before we throw out the husband with the bath water, consider a comment someone made, up thread.

Maybe the issue is the OP is not having the kind of sex she wants. We often just expect men (well, husbands / soul mates), to read our minds.

But men are not mind-readers. Not even husbands. I think we can all agree that the OP has an intact libido because she still enjoys masturbating.

To the OP: have you given sincere, honest, thought to what exactly you would like to do? (sexually that is). If you’re truly answered your own question, can you summon the courage to have a serious, adult, but loving conversation with DH, where you tell him, in detail, your explicit desires?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s monogamy. It gets old after a decade and kills your drive. Nature wants you to strike out and try new things.

I’m sure that’s true for a few. For over 30 years my sex life with my husband was wonderful as we were both open to new ways. We then had a dry spell but meds really helped. For my husband ED meds really helped at around age 60 and we still have fun. Our adult children would be shocked!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s monogamy. It gets old after a decade and kills your drive. Nature wants you to strike out and try new things.

I’m sure that’s true for a few. For over 30 years my sex life with my husband was wonderful as we were both open to new ways. We then had a dry spell but meds really helped. For my husband ED meds really helped at around age 60 and we still have fun. Our adult children would be shocked!

Why would adults be surprised you’re still having sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 46 and on HRT but have zero drive with DH. Masterbating to others works but nothing turns me on with DH. Will this pass? Been on HRT for 9 months and nothing.

Many good suggestions so far (and some bad). Adding T could help; might be worth trying. Just to add: could you maybe approach DH to ask him to become part of your masturbating? It could become a part of your shared intimacy and a way to reconnect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s monogamy. It gets old after a decade and kills your drive. Nature wants you to strike out and try new things.

I’m sure that’s true for a few. For over 30 years my sex life with my husband was wonderful as we were both open to new ways. We then had a dry spell but meds really helped. For my husband ED meds really helped at around age 60 and we still have fun. Our adult children would be shocked!

Why would adults be surprised you’re still having sex?

Sshh, don’t break her delusional. Some people love the thrill of thinking how they will shock people. When the reality is everyone is too focused on their own lives to care/think much.

[Anonymous]

It’s not you. It’s him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not you. It’s him.

Wait, what?

Where has OP described any behavior from DH making this his fault?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not you. It’s him.

Wait, what?

Where has OP described any behavior from DH making this his fault?

It’s not his fault. It’s just that women don’t want the same man after a number of years. We’re biologically programmed to tolerate and want one man long enough to raise his kid through infancy, then we need to diversify the gene pool a bit and find a better, fitter partner. Unless a man continually makes himself a highly desirable partner, his woman will tire of him.

[Anonymous]

Let him take you from behind while you fantasize about the other men in your head. It's like using him as your masturbation toy. It's OK to disconnect like that during sex. He's probably doing the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let him take you from behind while you fantasize about the other men in your head. It's like using him as your masturbation toy. It's OK to disconnect like that during sex. He's probably doing the same thing.

how do you know? Stop spreading the FUD if you don't enjoy sex w your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you still love your husband? If not, then do some introspection about that. He deserves to be with someone who loves him. If you don't then let him go. And when you divorce, don't take him to the cleaners. You're the one who dropped the ball here, not him, so he shouldn't be screwed because you flaked on the marriage.

Please. You can’t always control who you want to have sex with. What if her DH let himself go?

Yeah not OP but my DH totally lacks any self reflection, he views my declining sex drive solely as a “me” problem rather than something he may have contributed to. First off, he’s totally let himself go and his big belly means that there are few sex positions that actually work anymore. He doesn’t even try to make himself attractive or get in shape. And I carry a disproportionate share of the mental load and household responsibilities, despite us both working full time. Even responsibilities that are supposed to be his he half-a$$-es, e.g. I cook dinner and he “cleans up” but never wipes down the counters or cleans dirty knives. Like literally every night I will come back down and there are crumbs and dirty chopping knives laying about, sometimes the pots and pans as well. He also doesn’t acknowledge things like Mother’s Day or my birthday, and whenever my kids are having a tough time he walks away leaving me to deal with them. But he totally seems to miss the connection that his lack of effort would have any influence on my attractiveness to him. And FWIW I am getting hormone levels checked and hopefully HRT could help but it’s not going to solve the above issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you still love your husband? If not, then do some introspection about that. He deserves to be with someone who loves him. If you don't then let him go. And when you divorce, don't take him to the cleaners. You're the one who dropped the ball here, not him, so he shouldn't be screwed because you flaked on the marriage.

Please. You can’t always control who you want to have sex with. What if her DH let himself go?

Yeah not OP but my DH totally lacks any self reflection, he views my declining sex drive solely as a “me” problem rather than something he may have contributed to. First off, he’s totally let himself go and his big belly means that there are few sex positions that actually work anymore. He doesn’t even try to make himself attractive or get in shape. And I carry a disproportionate share of the mental load and household responsibilities, despite us both working full time. Even responsibilities that are supposed to be his he half-a$$-es, e.g. I cook dinner and he “cleans up” but never wipes down the counters or cleans dirty knives. Like literally every night I will come back down and there are crumbs and dirty chopping knives laying about, sometimes the pots and pans as well. He also doesn’t acknowledge things like Mother’s Day or my birthday, and whenever my kids are having a tough time he walks away leaving me to deal with them. But he totally seems to miss the connection that his lack of effort would have any influence on my attractiveness to him. And FWIW I am getting hormone levels checked and hopefully HRT could help but it’s not going to solve the above issues.

A weekly house cleaner visit would erase much of your resentment. They don’t cost very much.