Parenting limits different now than in the 90s?

[Anonymous]

I think it’s regional.

Parents in the DMV are more protective than what’s typical these days. I live elsewhere, a suburb of a major city, and teenagers do the same things we did growing up.

I actually think teenagers have even more freedom now? Maybe backlash from being restrained during covid?

Teens drive everywhere, have far more independence, huge parties. There is access to more money. It’s an interesting time that’s for sure. I try very hard to keep my kids grounded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read some of Lenore Skenazy’s writing on this. That and Jonathan Chait’s book, The Anxious Generation, have motivated me to push against this trend and to give my kids a lot of autonomy and independence in the real world. This is to build confidence but also make the real world more interesting than the virtual one. My 11 y/o gets off the bus in the afternoon and goes to the park with friends. She often walks around our very walkable DC neighborhood by herself or with friends and goes to stores by herself, including to pick up milk etc for us. This summer I’m going to let her start riding the metro or DC bus by herself. To each their own but I am already seeing so much confidence in my kid and it has helped massively with her anxiety. She feels competent and happy. Eliminating all risk is impossible and attempting to do so just creates other risks, like getting sucked into online worlds, IMHO.

You’re going to let an 11 year old girl ride alone on the Metro? Where shootings and stabbing take place and weird men are? Wow. You’re nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your teen will find their people — which will include parents that parent like you.

For example, my daughter is friends with the girls whose parents are generally pretty strict on tech, but fairly free range. The girls did generally have Apple Watches in 6th grade. Some didn’t have actual phones until 8th grade. None of them have social media as 8th graders.

But these friends were allowed to come to our beach house for long weekends when the parents barely knew us. They did likely check behind the scenes with parents who had known us since elementary, but they were cool with us taking their kids three hours away for three nights. I was super clear with them before the kid came for the first time, that we let kids be pretty free range at the beach. They can swim without an adult, but no one swims alone. They don’t swim without a red flag warning. They can walk the beach on their own and get up early and go get breakfast by themselves. These are all girls who could go to the mall together on a Saturday afternoon with no parent starting in 6th grade. These are girls who have gone to the pool with no parents since 6th grade. Not my kid, but two of them go on long runs by themselves (they are into track). No one freaks out if these girls are hanging out at one house and the parents leave the girls at the house while the parents go out to dinner.

Middle school is where relationships are built on common interests. Your free range kid with find other free range kids because they will want to do similar things together — beach, mall, whatever the activity of their choice is without having some random parent hanging out all the time.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a big difference between letting a middle schooler walk to school and letting a newly licensed 16 yr old drive several hours to a party/vacation house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read some of Lenore Skenazy’s writing on this. That and Jonathan Chait’s book, The Anxious Generation, have motivated me to push against this trend and to give my kids a lot of autonomy and independence in the real world. This is to build confidence but also make the real world more interesting than the virtual one. My 11 y/o gets off the bus in the afternoon and goes to the park with friends. She often walks around our very walkable DC neighborhood by herself or with friends and goes to stores by herself, including to pick up milk etc for us. This summer I’m going to let her start riding the metro or DC bus by herself. To each their own but I am already seeing so much confidence in my kid and it has helped massively with her anxiety. She feels competent and happy. Eliminating all risk is impossible and attempting to do so just creates other risks, like getting sucked into online worlds, IMHO.

You’re going to let an 11 year old girl ride alone on the Metro? Where shootings and stabbing take place and weird men are? Wow. You’re nuts.

Ah I see the judgy anxious person has joined us, commenting on my post and another one. So yes, she will be either riding the metro or bus home from a camp with her younger brother. They have been riding transit with us for years here and I let them navigate whenever we have the time. I am fully confident in their ability to handle this and they are excited for the challenge. To each their own. To me, the “weird men” on the internet are a much more serious concern than a random homeless person talking to themselves on the metro.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read some of Lenore Skenazy’s writing on this. That and Jonathan Chait’s book, The Anxious Generation, have motivated me to push against this trend and to give my kids a lot of autonomy and independence in the real world. This is to build confidence but also make the real world more interesting than the virtual one. My 11 y/o gets off the bus in the afternoon and goes to the park with friends. She often walks around our very walkable DC neighborhood by herself or with friends and goes to stores by herself, including to pick up milk etc for us. This summer I’m going to let her start riding the metro or DC bus by herself. To each their own but I am already seeing so much confidence in my kid and it has helped massively with her anxiety. She feels competent and happy. Eliminating all risk is impossible and attempting to do so just creates other risks, like getting sucked into online worlds, IMHO.

You’re going to let an 11 year old girl ride alone on the Metro? Where shootings and stabbing take place and weird men are? Wow. You’re nuts.

Yes, because I ride the metro daily myself, and know that it’s not as scary as you say it is.

As for OP, the answer is clear— move to a place where there are other parents like you, because there are many of us who teach our kids how to ride the metro safely to school at age 11, as well as the many other safety and social skills one needs to learn by 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Modern times. It’s the norm. My adult niece came over last week, and really had a hard time with basic tasks. She doesn’t even know how to properly make a cup of coffee. She doesn’t know how to cook anything, and forgets how to do laundry. She can’t even put sheets on the bed. She’s 27.

That's women's work and modern parents don't want to teach boys or girls how to do any of that.

[Anonymous]

Meh. People act like if your 7 yo doesn’t walk up the store alone, your 15 yo will be helpless. Not true. My kids are 12 & 16, and they know how to cook, clean, do laundry, basic sewing, gardening, things around the house, etc.

But we didn’t let them walk places alone until middle school, age 11-12. I’m not worried about kidnapping, but them getting hit by a car (esp the younger, who is very easily distracted).

By high school, my oldest was walking all over with friends, taking the metro alone, going on 15+ mile bike rides alone, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Modern times. It’s the norm. My adult niece came over last week, and really had a hard time with basic tasks. She doesn’t even know how to properly make a cup of coffee. She doesn’t know how to cook anything, and forgets how to do laundry. She can’t even put sheets on the bed. She’s 27.

That's women's work and modern parents don't want to teach boys or girls how to do any of that.

Huh? I don’t think so. I think it’s UMC parents doing everything for their kids so their kids can focus on school, sports, and other ECs and get into college, while missing out on essential life skills and experiences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Modern times. It’s the norm. My adult niece came over last week, and really had a hard time with basic tasks. She doesn’t even know how to properly make a cup of coffee. She doesn’t know how to cook anything, and forgets how to do laundry. She can’t even put sheets on the bed. She’s 27.

That's women's work and modern parents don't want to teach boys or girls how to do any of that.

Huh? I don’t think so. I think it’s UMC parents doing everything for their kids so their kids can focus on school, sports, and other ECs and get into college, while missing out on essential life skills and experiences.

Yeah it’s this, see the post about the picky teenager where another mom says that since her daughter is just so busy, she (the mom) butters her toast every morning and prepares snacks on demand whenever the young lady feels peckish. Any time spent not studying or practicing is wasted so it is a mother’s job to do all menial tasks.
Personally I live on a street with a lot of kids based on the stuff/signs in their yards and some of the kids never leave their own property. I found out last week that a boy exactly my sons age lives two doors down, has lived their for four years, and none of us had ever laid eyes on this child (different schools). My kid is all over the neighborhood biking and having little adventures while this kid sits safely inside.

[Anonymous]

I think this very much depends on the family and the area in which you live. My kids can't walk to friends houses because we live off of a very busy road that does not have a sidewalk, for example. We do, however, let them roam freely in our neighborhood and in the woods behind our neighborhood. We definitely don't stay at sports practices or things like that, literally the only time people stay is if it's too inconvenient to drop them off (like yesterday. my husband stayed at my kid's sports practice because it's 20 minutes from our house and it's not worth it to drop off and then pick up later).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Modern times. It’s the norm. My adult niece came over last week, and really had a hard time with basic tasks. She doesn’t even know how to properly make a cup of coffee. She doesn’t know how to cook anything, and forgets how to do laundry. She can’t even put sheets on the bed. She’s 27.

That's women's work and modern parents don't want to teach boys or girls how to do any of that.

Huh? I don’t think so. I think it’s UMC parents doing everything for their kids so their kids can focus on school, sports, and other ECs and get into college, while missing out on essential life skills and experiences.

Yep. I will occasionally do chores for my teens when they have especially busy days, but also ask them to do my chores on days work is especially busy for me.

Running a household is a family effort.

[Anonymous]

Modern parenting has a lot of fear mixed up with it. I'm not saying our parents never worried, but I don't think they often operated primarily from a place of fear.

One of the biggest impacts on my parenting was a casual conversation with a mom with teens when my kid were early elementary. She said - make sure there are more than a couple of years between them learning how to cross to street independently and learning how to put on a condom. That put a LOT in perspective for me and it definitely affected the way I think about my kids gaining independence and life skills.

Sometimes it seems that many parents think that risk can be *fully* eliminated. It comes up all the time here when people say "teenage driving is risky, therefore I'll keep my kids from driving until they aren't teenagers anymore (or 18+)" ... which always makes it seem like all risk has been eliminated. But what risks are present with preventing a kid from gaining independence at this age? If your child doesn't drive, are they allowed to ride with friends who do drive? (Note that it is much harder to tell what kind of driver your kids' friends are, you will know how good of a driver your kid is bc you're the one teaching them!) Or if they're not allowed to be with any teen drivers at all, how does that affect them socially and mental health wise?

Teen driving is a hot-button issue but you can substitute any scenario at all for this, including walking to the park and cooking and pretty much anything else, but the point is that I think that the idea of eliminating risk altogether is a modern parenting thing, even though eliminating 100 percent of risk is not possible or really desirable.

Even as I write this, I know it's likely that there will be a response saying that obviously I don't care about my kids (or that Im a "checked out parent" like someone has already stated about a PP) but I actually think this mindset makes me a better parent and helps prepare my kids for leading their lives independently.

I wouldn't categorize myself as a free range parent -- the idea of middle schoolers swimming in the ocean without an adult is not for me -- I say this to make it clear that it is definitely possible to allow freedoms and independence while still having some guardrails on. I lessen risk when I can. I try very hard to allow my kids to experience situations that are appropriate ... even if they are uncomfortable for me ... because, while I know that some things ARE easier about the days where you have that little baby on your hip and you get to control so much of what happens, the goal here is to raise independent adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is 11, so I'm barely entering the tween zone with him. Maybe my question will come off the same way questions from parents of babies come off to me, when they're like "I'll never let my child go to bed past 8pm" and "just offer them a rainbow of foods and they'll eat what their body requires, it's not that hard for me to do this with my 8 month old, you're just lazy!"

My question is basically, why are teens not allowed the same freedoms and responsibilities that we had when we were younger? I see on this board, and in some cases with the teenagers in our neighborhood, that they aren't allowed to drive more than a few hours away, aren't allowed to babysit past 10pm even on weekends, have parents stay at their sports practices, have their parents coordinating their college apps for them, etc. Obviously this stuff is a few years off for me, but what's changed? I let my 11 year old walk the half a mile to school alone with a friend, on a residential 25mph road with sidewalks and a crossing guard present at the 4 way road intersection he needs to cross to get to the school. Even if it's cold, or rainy, they walk. But barely anyone else does this even on gorgeous days. Kids get driven the half a mile by their parents. On rainy or cold days, the line to drop off in the morning is blocking traffic because it stretches down the 4 lane road that the school is on. Next year they'll be at middle school and the middle school is a mile away as opposed to a half mile away, but also completely on residential roads with one street crossing at a traffic light and his friend's mom has said she won't allow her kid to walk to middle school because of that street crossing. It's disappointing to me but am I in the minority here that I think that walk would be safe and fine, with a friend, at age 12?

I dispute your premise. My town and neighborhood is filled with kids walking home from school by themselves, riding their bikes around after school without parents hovering, etc.

[Anonymous]

I'm personally afraid of someone calling CPS on us.

I had to fight the school to let my 9.5 year old 4th grader walk home alone. There's a crossing guard and we live 1/5 mile from school (we can see the school from our front door!). This is a quiet neighborhood with sidewalks. Even still, one day last month, the school called me and said my kid was in their office and needed picked up. They hadn't let her walk home and prevented her from doing so. It's insane. I'm still so angry at the administrator for that.

Something that worries me is all the parents who are constantly tracking their kids on their iphones or watches. I think it's mental illness on the parent's part. Half the time that they're checking, kids are in school. Do they think they're abducted from school in the middle of the day?