Ex won’t make food our daughter will eat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my daughter can make herself a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal, but that's not what I'd consider a proper meal. She’s a kid so she doesn’t know how to make full meals. He's the parent and should be taking responsibility for feeding her. When she's with me, I make actual breakfasts—eggs, pancakes, waffles, oatmeal, bacon, etc.—not just tell her to fend for herself. My daughter likes hot meals, so I can’t send pre-made meals.

A bowl of cereal and a piece of fruit is absolutely a fine breakfast. Oatmeal or chia pudding with fruit is a fine breakfast. A sandwich with some cut up veggies and pretzels and water is a fine lunch. You say "she's a kid" but she's 16. You are failing as a parent if you haven't been teaching her to cook "full meals".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-husband and I share custody of our 16 year old daughter. One thing that has become a point of conflict is food at his house.

He doesn't make breakfast for her and basically tells her to grab a granola bar if she's hungry. She doesn't really complain about that, although I do make her breakfast every morning when she's with me.

The bigger issue is dinner. He makes dinner, but often it's nothing my daughter likes. He tells her she can either eat what he made or make herself a sandwich. He doesn't make her an alternative meal or seem concerned about whether she actually eats. As a result, there are days when she barely eats dinner and sometimes goes to bed hungry.

I find this upsetting because I feel like making sure your child is adequately fed is basic parenting. When I brought it up with my ex, he told me that if I want her to eat that food so badly, I can come over to his house and make it there myself. I told him, absolutely not—you need to make dinner for your own daughter.

I just don’t know what do anymore. How can convince to make her a proper dinner?

I don’t see a problem with what he is doing. She can make a sandwich if she is hungry. She can make her own breakfast.

I’m married and my son is 15. We make what we like. If he doesn’t want it, he makes is own dinner. He’s been doing this for over a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the 16 year old can learn to cook but the dad is an AH if he only has her half time and insists on making things she doesn’t like on his weeks. Every single human has food preferences — some more than others. When my oldest is home from school, I make the dinners I know she likes (quiche, shrimp scampi, etc) and avoid the things I know she hates (like pork chops and mashed potatoes). I do this because I love her and want her to be happy eating with me, and because I’m not an AH. It sounds like this girl is an only child so dad is cooking just for her and him — why is he going out of his way to make things she doesn’t like? He can eat those things the week she is with her mom.

She should learn how to cook and this is probably also an early lesson in “a man is not a plan.” This is the kind of girl that is gojng to think twice before getting married because why get saddled with a man when you’ll have to do all the work?

What’s going unsaid in this thread is the answer to the bolded: control. This is about him showing her that he’s going to parent on his terms and he’s in charge and she can take it or leave it. Except she can’t leave it because she has to be at his house.

The people chiming in about making a kid learn to cook and learning to eat different things are missing what’s really going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 11 year old and in the midst of an unwanted divorce from a man who refuses to cook and and relies on food trucks at work and the prepared food section of the grocery store for dinner- with no eye towards what a tween with dietary restrictions might eat. Think stuff like meatloaf with gravy and mashed potatoes in high summer.

I think about OP’s exact scenario constantly because STbX won’t mediate and is making everything go through hearings and trials. It’s pretty impossible to include something like “must feed tween child sufficiently” once it gets to that level of litigation.

I’ve been focusing on teaching DD the basics so she can have a proper breakfast, but am worried about the time and energy it will take for her to pack lunch every day (not hot lunch) and prepare an alternate dinner every night after school and sports practice and homework. Even as an adult it is sometimes a lot for me.

All I’ve gotten from my attorney is that I can’t force him to do anything, the court can’t force anything, and I have to accept that the court sees it as “different parenting styles.” Meanwhile I have a kid doing an intense sport, going to school without sufficient food, and being told if she wants something specific she can put it on the list and plan it. His response was similar when she complained about the gross state of his bathroom- clean it yourself if you don’t like it.

She’d be better off in an apartment by herself because she’d be doing the same amount of work but at least she’d be safe from his moods and games. It sucks. At least yours is 16 and away from this soon.

Your child is being fed. What is the issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you make for your 16 year old for breakfast everyday? Seriously curious.

NP who grew up grabbing a piece of toast or a granola bar and running into school but was constantly hungry and developed some ED-adjacent stuff because of it. I think today’s parents, particularly those of girls and athletes, are much more attuned to the intense schedules of HS kids and how challenging it is to eat a proper lunch during the school day, especially with rushes bell schedules, schools without lockers, and long lunch lines.

None of my friends had hot breakfast growing up, but it’s really common in my circle for kids to have hot breakfast now, particularly for families who make it the family meal if everyone is in different places or on different evening schedules.

If she wants a hot breakfast, she can get up early and make it herself. My teens can fully cook. This is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the 16 year old can learn to cook but the dad is an AH if he only has her half time and insists on making things she doesn’t like on his weeks. Every single human has food preferences — some more than others. When my oldest is home from school, I make the dinners I know she likes (quiche, shrimp scampi, etc) and avoid the things I know she hates (like pork chops and mashed potatoes). I do this because I love her and want her to be happy eating with me, and because I’m not an AH. It sounds like this girl is an only child so dad is cooking just for her and him — why is he going out of his way to make things she doesn’t like? He can eat those things the week she is with her mom.

She should learn how to cook and this is probably also an early lesson in “a man is not a plan.” This is the kind of girl that is gojng to think twice before getting married because why get saddled with a man when you’ll have to do all the work?

What’s going unsaid in this thread is the answer to the bolded: control. This is about him showing her that he’s going to parent on his terms and he’s in charge and she can take it or leave it. Except she can’t leave it because she has to be at his house.

The people chiming in about making a kid learn to cook and learning to eat different things are missing what’s really going on here.

This.

Just two more years and she's free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Report him to cps

CPS definitely has time to investigate a 16 year old being told to make a sandwich.

Maybe CPS will give Dad custody. Mom failed to teach her basic life skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my daughter can make herself a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal, but that's not what I'd consider a proper meal. She’s a kid so she doesn’t know how to make full meals. He's the parent and should be taking responsibility for feeding her. When she's with me, I make actual breakfasts—eggs, pancakes, waffles, oatmeal, bacon, etc.—not just tell her to fend for herself. My daughter likes hot meals, so I can’t send pre-made meals.

She can reheat them in a oven, stove, microwave or toaster oven. She needs to grow up. This has to be fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Clearly the 16 year old can learn to cook but the dad is an AH if he only has her half time and insists on making things she doesn’t like on his weeks. Every single human has food preferences — some more than others. When my oldest is home from school, I make the dinners I know she likes (quiche, shrimp scampi, etc) and avoid the things I know she hates (like pork chops and mashed potatoes). I do this because I love her and want her to be happy eating with me, and because I’m not an AH. It sounds like this girl is an only child so dad is cooking just for her and him — why is he going out of his way to make things she doesn’t like? He can eat those things the week she is with her mom.

She should learn how to cook and this is probably also an early lesson in “a man is not a plan.” This is the kind of girl that is gojng to think twice before getting married because why get saddled with a man when you’ll have to do all the work?

What’s going unsaid in this thread is the answer to the bolded: control. This is about him showing her that he’s going to parent on his terms and he’s in charge and she can take it or leave it. Except she can’t leave it because she has to be at his house.

The people chiming in about making a kid learn to cook and learning to eat different things are missing what’s really going on here.

He's probably making the things HE likes to eat and eats when she's not there. He's inviting her into his routine rather than changing his routine for her.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll. He is doing a better job managing her pickiness than you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my daughter can make herself a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal, but that's not what I'd consider a proper meal. She’s a kid so she doesn’t know how to make full meals. He's the parent and should be taking responsibility for feeding her. When she's with me, I make actual breakfasts—eggs, pancakes, waffles, oatmeal, bacon, etc.—not just tell her to fend for herself. My daughter likes hot meals, so I can’t send pre-made meals.

He should be, but he is a jerk.

Look at meal prep options. Most of these can be reheated durig the week in the microwave or air fryer. You can teach DD to make a batch with you and then she can take it with her. And eventually learn to make it herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is old enough to make her own food if she doesn't like what's being served. She should be cooking dinner for everyone in the house at least weekly as well.

This. My brother and I took turns cooking dinner when we were 8 and 10. She's 16!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach her to make a few things. Send her with ingredients. Problem solved.

The stupidest sentence in the English language.

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old makes her own breakfast every morning. She either fries an egg and makes avocado toast, or she makes Nutella toast with some strawberries, or yogurt and fruit. I leave the house before she gets up. I haven’t offered an alternative dinner since she was maybe 4. I do take her suggestions, but I also make what I like some nights, and something healthy and balanced every night. If she doesn’t like it, she can make herself a sandwich (she’s great at making paninis) or just eat part of the dinner or leftovers. DH doesn’t cook at all probably because he was catered to by a SAHM.

Seriously, stop babying your sixteen year old and start preparing her for independence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 12 year old makes her own breakfast every morning. She either fries an egg and makes avocado toast, or she makes Nutella toast with some strawberries, or yogurt and fruit. I leave the house before she gets up. I haven’t offered an alternative dinner since she was maybe 4. I do take her suggestions, but I also make what I like some nights, and something healthy and balanced every night. If she doesn’t like it, she can make herself a sandwich (she’s great at making paninis) or just eat part of the dinner or leftovers. DH doesn’t cook at all probably because he was catered to by a SAHM.

Seriously, stop babying your sixteen year old and start preparing her for independence.

Does your 12 year old also make her own dinner and go back and forth between two houses while managing a high school course load, schlepping her stuff back and forth, and get told her feelings don’t matter?

NP asking on OP’s behalf.