Ex won’t make food our daughter will eat

[Anonymous]

I have an 11 year old and in the midst of an unwanted divorce from a man who refuses to cook and and relies on food trucks at work and the prepared food section of the grocery store for dinner- with no eye towards what a tween with dietary restrictions might eat. Think stuff like meatloaf with gravy and mashed potatoes in high summer.

I think about OP’s exact scenario constantly because STbX won’t mediate and is making everything go through hearings and trials. It’s pretty impossible to include something like “must feed tween child sufficiently” once it gets to that level of litigation.

I’ve been focusing on teaching DD the basics so she can have a proper breakfast, but am worried about the time and energy it will take for her to pack lunch every day (not hot lunch) and prepare an alternate dinner every night after school and sports practice and homework. Even as an adult it is sometimes a lot for me.

All I’ve gotten from my attorney is that I can’t force him to do anything, the court can’t force anything, and I have to accept that the court sees it as “different parenting styles.” Meanwhile I have a kid doing an intense sport, going to school without sufficient food, and being told if she wants something specific she can put it on the list and plan it. His response was similar when she complained about the gross state of his bathroom- clean it yourself if you don’t like it.

She’d be better off in an apartment by herself because she’d be doing the same amount of work but at least she’d be safe from his moods and games. It sucks. At least yours is 16 and away from this soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you make for your 16 year old for breakfast everyday? Seriously curious.

NP who grew up grabbing a piece of toast or a granola bar and running into school but was constantly hungry and developed some ED-adjacent stuff because of it. I think today’s parents, particularly those of girls and athletes, are much more attuned to the intense schedules of HS kids and how challenging it is to eat a proper lunch during the school day, especially with rushes bell schedules, schools without lockers, and long lunch lines.

None of my friends had hot breakfast growing up, but it’s really common in my circle for kids to have hot breakfast now, particularly for families who make it the family meal if everyone is in different places or on different evening schedules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 11 year old and in the midst of an unwanted divorce from a man who refuses to cook and and relies on food trucks at work and the prepared food section of the grocery store for dinner- with no eye towards what a tween with dietary restrictions might eat. Think stuff like meatloaf with gravy and mashed potatoes in high summer.

I think about OP’s exact scenario constantly because STbX won’t mediate and is making everything go through hearings and trials. It’s pretty impossible to include something like “must feed tween child sufficiently” once it gets to that level of litigation.

I’ve been focusing on teaching DD the basics so she can have a proper breakfast, but am worried about the time and energy it will take for her to pack lunch every day (not hot lunch) and prepare an alternate dinner every night after school and sports practice and homework. Even as an adult it is sometimes a lot for me.

All I’ve gotten from my attorney is that I can’t force him to do anything, the court can’t force anything, and I have to accept that the court sees it as “different parenting styles.” Meanwhile I have a kid doing an intense sport, going to school without sufficient food, and being told if she wants something specific she can put it on the list and plan it. His response was similar when she complained about the gross state of his bathroom- clean it yourself if you don’t like it.

She’d be better off in an apartment by herself because she’d be doing the same amount of work but at least she’d be safe from his moods and games. It sucks. At least yours is 16 and away from this soon.

You can help her make a list of what she wants for breakfast and lunch. It is completely normal and reasonable for an 11 year old to get her own breakfast and pack her own lunch if there is food available. That is definitely not something to raise in court. He has said tell me what you need / want and put it on a list. That is a pretty straightforward way to be sure she has food for breakfast and lunch. As for dinner - meatloaf and mashed potatoes is not some crazy out there meal. A lot of people eat prepared food because they get home late from work and pick something up on the way. Do you work? You and OP seem to have a lot of time on your hands and have done everything for your kids and they aren't able to do age appropriate tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you make for your 16 year old for breakfast everyday? Seriously curious.

NP who grew up grabbing a piece of toast or a granola bar and running into school but was constantly hungry and developed some ED-adjacent stuff because of it. I think today’s parents, particularly those of girls and athletes, are much more attuned to the intense schedules of HS kids and how challenging it is to eat a proper lunch during the school day, especially with rushes bell schedules, schools without lockers, and long lunch lines.

None of my friends had hot breakfast growing up, but it’s really common in my circle for kids to have hot breakfast now, particularly for families who make it the family meal if everyone is in different places or on different evening schedules.

We never had a hot breakfast or hot lunch. I ate pretty much the same thing for breakfast (cereal or toast with peanut butter and jam) and made myself the same lunch (sandwich and a piece of fruit) throughout school - and was perfectly healthy.

[Anonymous]

When I clicked on this, I fully expected to read a thread about a young elementary student who was going to bed hungry at her dad's house.

OP, you are doing your daughter a MASSIVE disservice. She should be learning to cook, and experimenting with things she likes: this is a life skill, but is also fun. Why are you cooking her breakfast every morning as if she is a little kid?
What do you think she is going to do when she is at college? Knowing how to make an omelette, to make healthy foods, plan and buy groceries for meals you want to make, is a life skill. Not eating because she, a 16 year old, doesn't like the dinner her dad has is crazy: she should be able to tell him what food to buy before she comes and then preparing it herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Report him to cps

CPS definitely has time to investigate a 16 year old being told to make a sandwich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an 11 year old and in the midst of an unwanted divorce from a man who refuses to cook and and relies on food trucks at work and the prepared food section of the grocery store for dinner- with no eye towards what a tween with dietary restrictions might eat. Think stuff like meatloaf with gravy and mashed potatoes in high summer.

I think about OP’s exact scenario constantly because STbX won’t mediate and is making everything go through hearings and trials. It’s pretty impossible to include something like “must feed tween child sufficiently” once it gets to that level of litigation.

I’ve been focusing on teaching DD the basics so she can have a proper breakfast, but am worried about the time and energy it will take for her to pack lunch every day (not hot lunch) and prepare an alternate dinner every night after school and sports practice and homework. Even as an adult it is sometimes a lot for me.

All I’ve gotten from my attorney is that I can’t force him to do anything, the court can’t force anything, and I have to accept that the court sees it as “different parenting styles.” Meanwhile I have a kid doing an intense sport, going to school without sufficient food, and being told if she wants something specific she can put it on the list and plan it. His response was similar when she complained about the gross state of his bathroom- clean it yourself if you don’t like it.

She’d be better off in an apartment by herself because she’d be doing the same amount of work but at least she’d be safe from his moods and games. It sucks. At least yours is 16 and away from this soon.

Ugh, so sorry.

[Anonymous]

OP, my daughter can make herself a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal, but that's not what I'd consider a proper meal. She’s a kid so she doesn’t know how to make full meals. He's the parent and should be taking responsibility for feeding her. When she's with me, I make actual breakfasts—eggs, pancakes, waffles, oatmeal, bacon, etc.—not just tell her to fend for herself. My daughter likes hot meals, so I can’t send pre-made meals.

[Anonymous]

You can't micromanage this. Teach her how to cook some quick and simple dishes if she's picky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my daughter can make herself a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal, but that's not what I'd consider a proper meal. She’s a kid so she doesn’t know how to make full meals. He's the parent and should be taking responsibility for feeding her. When she's with me, I make actual breakfasts—eggs, pancakes, waffles, oatmeal, bacon, etc.—not just tell her to fend for herself. My daughter likes hot meals, so I can’t send pre-made meals.

She's 16, if she desperately needs to eat more than a sandwich she can learn to make it. There are kids her age who work in restaurant kitchens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my daughter can make herself a sandwich or pour a bowl of cereal, but that's not what I'd consider a proper meal. She’s a kid so she doesn’t know how to make full meals. He's the parent and should be taking responsibility for feeding her. When she's with me, I make actual breakfasts—eggs, pancakes, waffles, oatmeal, bacon, etc.—not just tell her to fend for herself. My daughter likes hot meals, so I can’t send pre-made meals.

Eggs, pancakes, etc. should be easy things for her to learn how to make herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you make for your 16 year old for breakfast everyday? Seriously curious.

NP who grew up grabbing a piece of toast or a granola bar and running into school but was constantly hungry and developed some ED-adjacent stuff because of it. I think today’s parents, particularly those of girls and athletes, are much more attuned to the intense schedules of HS kids and how challenging it is to eat a proper lunch during the school day, especially with rushes bell schedules, schools without lockers, and long lunch lines.

None of my friends had hot breakfast growing up, but it’s really common in my circle for kids to have hot breakfast now, particularly for families who make it the family meal if everyone is in different places or on different evening schedules.

+1

I am surprised that so many people think that a sandwich is an acceptable dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you make for your 16 year old for breakfast everyday? Seriously curious.

NP who grew up grabbing a piece of toast or a granola bar and running into school but was constantly hungry and developed some ED-adjacent stuff because of it. I think today’s parents, particularly those of girls and athletes, are much more attuned to the intense schedules of HS kids and how challenging it is to eat a proper lunch during the school day, especially with rushes bell schedules, schools without lockers, and long lunch lines.

None of my friends had hot breakfast growing up, but it’s really common in my circle for kids to have hot breakfast now, particularly for families who make it the family meal if everyone is in different places or on different evening schedules.

+1

I am surprised that so many people think that a sandwich is an acceptable dinner.

The sandwich is being offered because she is refusing the dinner. There is nothing wrong with meatloaf, mashed potatoes & gravy during “high summer.”

[Anonymous]

My mother made my brother (the favorite) "first day of school French toast" each year on the first day of school. She otherwise never made either of us breakfast from kindergarten on. We had yogurt and a piece of bread, or cold cereal or Farina or Cream of Wheat. When we got older we might make scrambled eggs on occasion (but cleaning up from that took time we didn't have in the mornings).

She never made our lunches. We either took an American cheese sandwich, a salami sandwich or most of the time, a PB&J. We either got a bag of potato chips or Fritos with that, and were expected to drink from the water fountain. By 16 we had each been cooking dinner for the family at least once a week, for several years.

Our stay at home mom wasn't super nurturing regarding food, but neither of us had food issues from it, and do things differently as adults with our own kids now. My point is, teach your kid to be self-sufficient. If time after school is an issue teach her to batch cook.

[Anonymous]

Clearly the 16 year old can learn to cook but the dad is an AH if he only has her half time and insists on making things she doesn’t like on his weeks. Every single human has food preferences — some more than others. When my oldest is home from school, I make the dinners I know she likes (quiche, shrimp scampi, etc) and avoid the things I know she hates (like pork chops and mashed potatoes). I do this because I love her and want her to be happy eating with me, and because I’m not an AH. It sounds like this girl is an only child so dad is cooking just for her and him — why is he going out of his way to make things she doesn’t like? He can eat those things the week she is with her mom.

She should learn how to cook and this is probably also an early lesson in “a man is not a plan.” This is the kind of girl that is gojng to think twice before getting married because why get saddled with a man when you’ll have to do all the work?